What It Takes To Win Bell
by FizzingWhizbeez
Summary: -COMPLETE- Oliver Wood just can’t believe that pretty, popular Katie Bell is dating an obnoxious git like Zacharias Smith, but he's determined to find out why.... Oh, and maybe win her heart along the way.
1. Zacharias Smith?

Yay! A new story! Wooohoooo!

This one's is a bit different from _Always Remember _in that it's more light-hearted and amusing. No stalkers like Montague or long, annoying bouts of denial this time. Also, less fluff, unfortunately. I don't know, we'll see. Anyway, I made a change in Oliver's age. He's only one year older than Alicia, Angelina, and the twins. Therefore he's in 7th year; Alicia, Angelina, and the twins are in 6th; Katie is in 5th. Also, this story doesn't correlate with any of the books, and I rated this a T for mild cursing and some teen drinking.

Now, without further ado... oh wait. I forgot something. **Disclaimer**: None of the characters, setting, etc etc etc belong to me. Obviously. (rolls eyes)

Enjoy!

**Chapter 1**

First practice of the season. We were melting slowly in the heat of one of those rare scorching days in September. Our bones and skin were going to turn into useless jelly any moment now, yet still I had no mercy. I mean, I'm Oliver Wood. I have a reputation to maintain.

"You can fly better than that, Harry!" I shouted from the ground. "George, we need to work on that aim…_FRED! _THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO BE MAKING SEXUAL GESTURES TOWARD ANGELINA**—**oh Merlin, Angie, don't tell me you're actually encouraging him…Alicia _stop laughing_, it's not even that funny…Katie, what the hell are you doing!"

For she had swerved away from the field and two seconds later, stopped in front of me, her broom hovering just inches away from my face.

"Oliver, this is ridiculous," she complained. "It's only the first practice of the year and you're already driving us insane…" She went on but I'd stopped listening long ago. I was…preoccupied, shall we say. My eyes were riveted on her chest, which was at my eye level.

_In the name of all things holy, when did Katie Bell have a rack like—_

"Ollie, if you'd stop staring at my chest and let us have a break soon that would be great, thanks."

She got my attention with that. First off, I hate, **hate**, being called Ollie. I hate it. Did I mention that I hate it? With the utmost passion, since the moment the twins sprang it up on me only seconds after meeting me for the first time. Secondly, she'd caught me in the act and was being upfront about it.

"Bloody hell," I groaned, "I—"

"Hate that name," she finished. "Sorry, but it was the only way I could get your attention, you looking all lost and all." She grinned at me cheekily and I wanted to yank her ponytail the way I used to when she was still a squeaky-clean pre-teen.

"Lost. Huh," I scoffed. "All right… EVERYONE DOWN TO THE BLEACHERS!"

"Thank God for miracles," Fred grumbled, grabbing his water bottle and chugging down its contents in all of three seconds.

"All right, team," I said, all about business. "This year, the Quidditch Cup's got our name written on it, understand? All we have to do is make sure we don't lose focus.

"We're a good team. The best ruddy team in the school, hear me? Nothing can stand in our way, not the Hufflepuffs, the Ravenclaws, and especially not those damn Slytherins. I have faith in each and every single one of you and I know you'll make me proud. So don't prove me wrong."

The twins yelled, "Hear, hear!", Harry gave me one those quiet smiles of his, and the girls beamed at me. I paused, then…

"WELL DON'T JUST STAND THERE!" I barked, so loud, so unexpectedly, that Angelina and Alicia jumped and Katie fell off the bench. "Back on your broomsticks NOW!"

The team trudged back onto the field, with the twins grumbling about what an obnoxious, two-faced git I was.

I smiled with content. It was good to be back.

xxx

"Wood, mate, how's it going?" A hand smacked down on my shoulder. It was Roger Davies, one of my closest friends since childhood. Even being captains of rival teams hadn't broken up our friendship.

"Hey. How was your first practice?"

"Not as bad as yours, I hear," he grinned. "Katie told me what a dictator you were being."

"_Captain_. I was being a good _captain_. Merlin, I'm not half as bad as my team says."

"Not according to my sister… hey here she comes."

I looked in the direction he was facing and saw Katie coming towards us. "Hey Roger," she greeted him with a hug and he smiled at her fondly.

You know, their story is really funny. Not as in 'ha ha funny' but as in 'weird funny.' Catch my drift? I mean, they used to hate each other. _Hate_. When Roger was nine, his parents divorced and his dad married Katie's mum, to say that Roger and Katie didn't get along would be putting it mildly. Then when Mr. Davies got fed up with their attitudes and tied them together for a whole day, they both worked off the binding spell and got to spend the day doing what they usually did. Ever since, they've gotten used to the other and lately their relationship has gotten unusually close for a brother-sister relationship…

"Oliver? Oliver? Oliver!"

"Whoa." I snapped out of my trance as Katie's hand waved wildly in front of my face.

"I called your name three times. I guess you were too busy thinking about Quidditch. Or… Quidditch involving something dirty?" She gave me that cheeky grin of hers.

"Hey, hey. Roger, you better make your baby sister here watch her mouth," I said.

She scowled. "I'm not a baby. Shut up, Oliver." She flounced away.

"Well, she is!" I said defensively when Roger gave me that overprotective _You better watch it around my sister_ look that he's taken up lately.

"I don't know," he sighed. "Yeah I know we used to poke fun of her and everything but… she's not such a baby anymore. The Muggle boys can't keep away from her when she comes home for the holidays."

For some reason, that disturbed me. I mean, instead of flirting with Muggle guys at home, _she should be practicing for Quidditch. _Sheesh.

"Katie doesn't flirt with them though," he said, answering my question. He rolled his eyes. "She's dating the most obnoxious prick in the castle and I would murder him if only Katie wouldn't get mad at me." Oh, well this was news. Gossip hot off the press.

"Who?"

"Zacharias Smith. He's on the Hufflepuff Quidditch team." My jaw dropped. _Obnoxious, stuck-up, holier-than-thou Zacharias Smith?_

"I know, that's exactly what I think about him. Except worse," Roger said. Oops. I guess I'd said my thoughts aloud.

"But… but… _Zacharias Smith?_"

"I'm still pissed off 'cause I don't think the git is good enough for Katie. Come to think of it, _no one _is good enough for her." Whoa. The brotherly overprotectiveness is starting to get out of hand.

"Hey, not even me?" I joked. He seemed to think that was very funny. I guess he doesn't think his best friend is good enough for his stepsister. But then again, I wasn't offended. I mean, it was _Katie Bell_. I've known the kid for eight years, since she was a little tomboyish girl in overalls who, after getting over her inital hatred for Roger, had followed him and me around all the time.

But still… _Zacharias Smith!_

xxx

_Dear Diary,_

_It's so great to be back at Hogwarts again. I've missed all the excitement. Wood gave us such a killer first practice today that it'll go down into the history books. Like Hermione's beloved _Hogwarts, A History.

_You would think that considering I'm the sister of one of Wood's closest friends, he'd treat me better. Huh. Not quite. He called me Roger's "baby sister" today. I know I shouldn't let it, but it really gets to me. After all these years, Oliver Wood still thinks I'm a little kid in pigtails._

_Really, I shouldn't let it get to me. I mean, my four-year-long crush on him has long since been over, and besides it was only a childhood fantasy to be with my stepbrother's gorgeous best friend. But it still upsets me that he looks at me not as who I've become, but who I used to be…_

_Whatever. Screw Oliver Wood. No one gives a damn about him anyway, except his fan club. I have the best, sweetest boyfriend in the world and I'm so lucky. Today Zach wrote me another poem. I think that's what made me first fall for him—his sentimentality. Today Angelina and Alicia made fun of him for being a Hufflepuff, even though I also pointed out that **Cedric Diggory **is also in Hufflepuff but they ignored that. T__hey just can't seem to understand that Zach is perfect for me. Of course we have our little arguments, and he always turns out to be right, but I love him anyway._

_Oh, got to go. I'm sleeping in Angelina and Alicia's room tonight and Angie's threatening to knock me into a coma if I don't turn out the light soon. _

* * *

A/N: To clear things up this is written in Oliver's point of view with Katie's diary entries stuck in here and there. Sorry if you were confused. Also, Zacharias Smith is that really annoying Hufflepuff who's unbelievably obnoxious at the first DA gathering in the Hog's Head, if you remember from the fifth book. 

First chapters are always so boring...


	2. In Which Angelina Enlightens Oliver

Hey everyone! Sorry for the three week lapse between updates. I was at camp and I completely forgot to mention it.

Many thanks to: **dahlia, GredAndForge4President, BrownEyedAthena, Spexy, fleur137, TooSweet4Words, LPLC, Joaniekins, Laura, FirstDays of Summer, Eruaphadriel, Star of the North, birdsofmorrigan, Gallon of Firewhiskey, bubblishness, WILD-JAGUAR, Giddyupgal, Girl with the Evil Computer, **and **Nathifa Femi**.

Just to answer a few questions people had:

_Star of the North_- I guess it kind of is AU because it doesn't correlate to any of the books.  
_birdsofmorrigan_- sheesh, Rhi, you always have to be so nitpicky. ;)  
_BrownEyedAthena_- well considering Mr. Davies isn't Katie's biological father, no. Katie and Roger were born _before_ Katie's mum and Roger's dad got married. Hope that clears things up for ya.

This part is for everyone: if some of you were puzzled about the whole Roger and Katie relationship, it was created as a whim of mine. I just thought it would be cool to have them related, but that's just me being random like that. Also, Zacharias Smith is such a random character that I still have no idea how I came up with him and Katie being together. But as I said, **that's just me being random like that**.

omg omg omg has anyone here read the Half-Blood Prince? (well, _obviously _you all have by now...) I must say I was absolutely **shocked **by the ending. But I won't give it away just in case someone here hasn't read it yet. And wasn't that whole Katie incident involving the cursed necklace weird? I'm soooo glad she came out of it alive, otherwise I would've given up on this story just because I would've known in the back of my mind that she's supposed to be dead...

Ahem, but on a more positive note, here's...

**Chapter 2 **

"It seems Mr. Wood believes catching up on his sleep is of more importance than my Potions class. I must say I'm rather offended."

You know when you're sleeping but you can kind of hear what's going on around you? That's what was happening in Snape's class. _(A/N: ARGH! I **hate **Snape!) _I could hear his voice but my eyelids refused to open...

"...Perhaps if he was awoken with a douse of Veritaserum? It isn't the most pleasant of experiences to awake spewing all of your innermost secrets..."

I heard snickering from the Slytherin side of the room. A loud chainsaw started buzzing louder and louder and I thought my eardrums would explode and I was thinking _Who the hell has a chainsaw at Hogwarts?_ when I opened my eyes and realized it was just Marcus Flint laughing.

"Ahh, he is awake. Wood, would you care to explain how to create the potion I've just been discussing?"

"Mrfla?" The class started laughing and I couldn't help but grin. I'm not the most lucid of people after being just woken up.

"You seem to be pretty confident," Snape sneered. "Since you are, why don't you come to the front of the room and give the class a demonstration on how to create today's potion?"

Shit. Oh shit. Snape has always been exceptionally talented at embarrassing people. I stood slowly, darting a quick glance at the board to get a few pointers from today's notes before making a complete fool out of myself... Shit. Oh shit. The bastard. Snape had already erased the board. I looked down at my notes, but no help there. I only saw a doodle of me single-handledly beating up the Slytherin Quidditch Team, plus a little spot where I'd drooled during my nap. Lovely.

"Wood, we don't have all day." I dragged my feet to the front of the room, where Snape had laid out all the ingredients already. He gave me a smile, one of those smiles that you see in the Muggle movies when the executioner is leading the convicted to the gallows. Or one of those smiles in those nature films when the snake is about to devour a mouse whole. Or one of those-

"Ahem."

I grabbed the first bottle. "Ah, Wood." That smile again. "Surely you must have known that you do _not_ put in the wolfsbane until _after_ the potion has simmered."

Oops. Let's try again.

"No, I'm afraid not. Clearly you've been too busy gallivanting around in your daydreams to listen to my lecture."

Clearly. I picked up some weird powder stuff.

"Why even bother looking at that?" Snape smiled. "That ingredient is never used in this potion... or is it?"

Bastard. Trying to trick me, eh? I grabbed my wand and started a huge, roaring fire under the cauldron. I threw in ingredient after ingredient, mixing the whole mess counterclockwise. I even threw in entire boxes and bottles. The flame was turning dark purple and the whole of the cauldron's contents was turning blacker and blacker. Finally I threw in the powder that wasn't even supposed to be in the potion (or was it?) and there was a loud explosion. Sparks were flying everywhere. I grabbed a ladle and shouted at Snape, "You wanted a potion? TAKE THIS!"

I tossed the whole thing in his face, which crumpled immediately. His features started melting and sliding off his face, then he started shrinking...

"I'm melting, I'm melting!" he shrieked in a voice two octaves above normal. I only laughed and laughed and laughed until there was only a pile of black robes on the floor where Snape had previously stood...

"Wood, you're absolutely hopeless. How you even managed to sneak your way into NEWT level Potions is beyond me."

Damn. Too bad your fantasies never come true. Snape was still staring at me, the Slytherins were laughing at me, and the cauldron was still empty.

_BRRING!_ Saved by the bell. I hurried over to my desk and grabbed my books, but just as I was about to leave, Snape grabbed my arm and snarled, "Detention. Tonight starting at seven. Be here, and _be here on time_."

Needless to say, I was very pissed off as I stormed through the door. At least Snape hadn't taken any House points from Gryffind...

"Fifteen points from Gryffindor, Wood!" Snape's voice roared down the corridor. Great. Just great.

It seemed that day was destined to be horrible for me. Turns out I wrote my fifteen-inch Transfiguration paper on Animagi instead of Metamorphmagi and had to redo it. I accidentally poured extra-rich dragon manure fertilizer on the monster Devil's Snare in the greenhouse and it took Professor Sprout an hour to get it under control. After spending a half hour cleaning up the mess with her, I was late to lunch and just missed the last course as it vanished from the plates, and I stomped to Quidditch practice with a growling stomach and a raging temper.

"There's no time to be fooling around!" I roared at the twins, who were chasing each other around the field chanting, "A llama's got your arse!" I was in a foul mood all throughout practice.

"No, Harry, for the last time," I snapped, "keep out of the sun. There'll be a glare and you won't be able to-- ARGH!" A bloody Bludger just missed my head. "Merlin!" Both Bludgers were pelting after me and I was forced to circle around the field dodging both of them. Below me I could see the twins guffawing, rolling around on the grass as if the situation was actually funny. The bloody prats had charmed the Bludgers to chase me around.

"I'll show them," I said through gritted teeth. I flew this way and that until both Bludgers were coming toward me from opposite sides, then I swerved up...

BANG

The Bludgers crashed into each other and started falling downward. _Hopefully one will crash down on each of the Weasleys, _I thought grimly as the Bludgers picked up speed to meet the ground when suddenly a streak of long hair was flying by...

"KATIE WATCH OUT!" I yelled, but one of the Bludgers crashed down on top of her and then both Bludgers and Katie were tumbling toward the ground...

xxx

"Where is she? I want to see Katie immediately," said an awfully pushy voice. I looked up from my chair beside Katie's bed and saw a sixth year storming into the hospital ward. I recognized him as none other than stuck-up, obnoxious, holier-than-thou Zacharias Smith.

"What happened? Is she okay? Tell me now or I'll press charges."

"Please, calm down," Madam Pomfrey scolded as she bustled in with a bottle of suspicious-looking fluid. "Katie's had quite a nasty blow to the head but she'll be out of bed in a week or so."

"Good." Smith crossed his arms. "Hey, what's that?"

"It'll relieve the swelling in her head." Madam Pomfrey took a spoonful of that icky looking stuff. She went over to the still-unconscious Katie, tilted her head back and opened her mouth, and was about to pour it in when-

"Are you sure it'll work?" Smith was closing in and peering at the spoon's contents. "Has it worked before? Have you actually seen it relieve swelling in the head?" _Dude, how can you see it working when it goes on _**in** _the head, _I thought sarcastically.

Madam Pomfrey sighed. "I'm a professional, young man," she said patiently. "I know what I'm doing."

"Has it been tested by officials?" Smith said suspiciously, narrowing his eyes.

"Yes, but right now you're testing my patience. Step aside, please." _Yeah Madam Pomfrey!_ I thought. _You're the man! Er- woman..._

"There," she said when she was finished. "Now you two will have to be quiet and let this young lady here sleep or else I'm booting the both of you out the door." She left, leaving us in silence. Smith pulled up a chair beside Katie's bed and took her hand.

"Er, so..." I said, trying to break the silence. "How is it? Dating her, I mean."

Smith raised his eyebrows. "What are you talking about?"

"Isn't it weird? I mean, especially when our teams are playing against each other... the both of you being Chasers and all."

"No, it's fine."

What a conversationalist. Seriously, what did Katie see in this guy anyway? Was it at all for his looks? I looked closer at him.

Nope. I mean, I suppose he's decent compared to Goyle or Crabbe but compared to myself, Oliver Wood, owner of the titleship "Gryffindor Heartthrob" for four consecutive years? I think not.

Perhaps he's intelligent? I looked at him again. No, he didn't give off one of those intelligence vibes. So what the bloody hell did Katie see in this kid anyway?

"Look," he snapped, breaking into my thoughts. "I'd appreciate it if you stopped staring at me. Or better yet, you could leave."

Huh. Fine, be that way. I stood, threw him one of my nastiest glares, and left the hospital ward. But the mysterious question of the day refused to stop nagging me-- **_what did Katie Bell see in Zacharias Smith?_**

xxx

"To tell the truth, I don't get it myself."

It was the next day, after Quidditch practice. Angelina had wanted to practice scoring and I'd agreed to play Keeper for her. I tossed the Quaffle back and said, "So you've never talked about it?"

"Sure we have. In full detail. Yet I'm still unsure." She swerved to the left and tried to score but I caught the Quaffle. "Damn."

"Sorry." I threw the Quaffle back. "So what is it about him?"

"He has this sarcastic sense of humor that she really loves," she explained, narrowing her eyes as she looked at all three hoops, as if trying to decide which one to go for next. "He's a bit down-to-earth, always questioning things. He's hard to trick. I think Katie has fun trying to think up ways to surprise him but he being such a skeptic and all, it's not easy..." She tried to score a goal but I blocked it. "Damn!"

"Sorry." I threw the ball back.

"Anyway, she likes that side to him, thinks it makes him seem perceptive. But I don't know, I think it's annoying."

"I see... so what else?"

"They're both into poetry, I guess," she shrugged. "That's how they met. In the library."

I stared at her. "Katie's into poetry?"

"You'd never expect it, right?" she laughed. "Her being such a social butterfly and all. But she's a hardcore Keats fan; she digs him more than Chocolate Frogs... well, _almost_ as much, anyway... _damn_, stop blocking the bloody hoops!"

"Sorry." Wow. You learn something new every day. Since when did Katie Bell like _poetry?_ I shuddered. Ugh, imagine me reading that stuff...

"And she says he's sweet. I suppose he is. He takes good care of her. But..."

"But?"

Angelina sighed. "I don't know. It just doesn't seem... right; it's just so... _weird_. I mean, you have Zacharias- or Zach, as she calls him- on one side, then you have... Katie. And you know Katie..."

Right. Pretty, popular Katie. The same Katie whom I've noticed has been getting quite a bit of attention from the guys lately ever since she grew out of her tomboy phase.

"Why are you so curious, anyway?" she asked, giving me a sly look. "It couldn't be that you... _fancy_ her, could it?"

"Merlin, no!" I shuddered.

"If you say so..." Then, very calmly, she said, "She used to like you, you know." Shocked beyond belief, I missed the Quaffle hurtling toward me. It rammed into my stomach and I flew backwards into one of the goals.

"Oof!"

"Ohmigosh Oliver are you okay?" Angelina flew over to me.

"I'll be fine," I wheezed, sounding like an emphysemic, and she started laughing.

"Sorry, can't help myself... But did that count as a goal, I wonder?"

I made an effort to grin. "You wish."

"What I said..." Angelina began curiously. "It surprised you?" _Hell yeah. _"...Because she used to be _infatuated _with you for the longest time... Four years, I think."

_Four years?_ _Holy shit! _

"Then she realized that there were other guys out there, so..." She shrugged. _What? So I'm not good enough for her anymore?_

"Hey, I never said that. I'm just saying..." Shit, I should really learn not to say my thoughts out loud... "But anyway, what does it matter to you? You're one of Hogwarts "most eligible bachelors," as your stupid fan club calls you. Heck, you even used to date Elizabe-"

"Please! Shall we not?" I said, wincing.

"Oh. Sorry."

"Very sensitive subject, you know."

"Yes, I know."

"Clearly you don't, since you brought it up."

"My apologies, dear Captain."

I glared at her and she grinned. "Bitch," I muttered.

"Egotistical prat."

Angelina Johnson had never been one to be at a loss for words.

xxx

I visited Katie again that afternoon but she was still unconscious. I looked around at all the balloons, flowers, and get well cards around her and I felt this horrible sense of guilt that was just eating away at me because I couldn't help thinking it was all my fault...

My head was swimming with pessimistic thoughts. Suppose the medicines or Madam Pomfrey's care didn't work. Suppose she never woke up again. Like those people you hear about on Muggle news that stay in comas for seven years. Hogwarts would have its very own Sleeping Beauty...

She _was_ pretty though. I looked down at her face, with all her dark hair splayed out around it. You know there's something special in a girl who still manages to look pretty even when she has a huge purple bruise on the side of her face...

Damn Angelina. I almost wish she'd never told me about Katie. Now that I knew, I was looking at Katie in a totally different light...

Bloody hell. Did I just say that? Me and Katie? _No way!_...but what's wrong with that?..._she's **Roger's little sister**_... so? ..._not to mention she's with Smith_...

Oh. I'd forgotten about that. Damn.

I heard the rustling of the bedsheets moving. I looked up in time to see Katie's eyes opening slowly, and she blinked a couple times as if trying to figure out where she was. She must've realized it soon though, because before I knew it those green eyes were focused on me and Katie was giving me a heart-stopping smile.

I, Oliver Wood, hereby admit that I am a goner.

* * *

A/N: I know this chapter was all dialogue and Oliver's thoughts, but it'll get better, trust me. I just need to set up the situation so that Oliver starts getting interested in Katie when he'd never thought about her before. 

Also, to Gallon of Firewhiskey: You might have noticed that I used the very idea I gave you for your story. (You know, about the whole bewitched Bludgers and all.) I hope you don't mind!


	3. In Which Oliver Enlightens Himself

YAY! Everyone seemed to really like the last chapter, especially that bit about Snape. Hmm I should really get cracking on my stories because I'm going into my Junior/hell year, which means I won't be able to update frequently at all. ARGH! (pulls hair in frustration)

Anyway, I might as well start the chappie instead of making all of you stressed out by reading my complaints. Just a quick reminder - Katie's POV is shown through her diary, which is in _italics_; Oliver's POV is shown in normal font.

**Chapter 3**

_Dear Diary,_

_I'm up and about again. Madam Pomfrey told me I'm very lucky - if the Bludger had hit me only an inch or two to the right, I could've gotten a serious concussion. She said it seems to her like students are rushing to get themselves killed like it's going out of fashion. She also told me she never wants to see me in the hospital wing again unless I'd come to visit. _

_Zach greeted me with a kiss and a bouquet of beautiful roses when he saw me. We had a splendid welcome-back snogfest in the broom closet on the third floor corridor. 'Twas lovely, although the roses got crushed. _

_After that, the twins and Oliver came up to me, apologizing for the accident. Not that I blamed them for it, anyway. At least, not much... Speaking of Oliver, I admit it was surprising to see his face the moment I woke up, and no one else's. I was a little disappointed that it wasn't Zach sitting there instead, but I guess it was nice to see that Oliver cared enough to look in after me... _

xxx

Oliver Wood

Sex: Male  
Height: 6'2''  
Status: Single  
Sign: Capricorn  
Future Goal: to become Keeper for Puddlemere United  
Immediate Goal: to find out why Katie Bell is dating Zacharias Smith  
Current Mood: very perplexed

xxx

I've become obsessed with Katie and Zacharias. According to all the Social Rules at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, those two are **not **supposed to be going out. And trust me, I, Oliver Wood, am very aware of all the Social Rules at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I know Angelina gave me that whole spiel about why Katie likes him, but I still can't believe it. I mean, the only git with a head more inflated than his is Percy Weasley.

The answer came to me so fast that I collided into Colin Creevy, who squeaked and dropped his camera. The flash went off with a blinding glare.

"Aw bloody hell!" I shouted, momentarily blinded. I heard another squeak (I think I stepped on Colin), and in the confusion, more flashes kept going off from the bloody camera, blinding me even _more_. I groped around with my hands outstretched when suddenly I felt soft flesh...

"Ooh, Ollie!" I heard. Then there was a sickeningly feminine giggle. "You're so naughty!" More giggles. I opened my eyes slowly, wincing even before I could fully see... Taylor Somers, Number One Stalker of Oliver Wood.

"Sorry, didn't mean to," I blurted, squinting.

Taylor batted her eyelashes at me in what she thought was a very attractive manner. "Oh really?" she cooed, smiling knowingly. Merlin. I felt like gagging.

"Excuse me," I said, pushing past her. I could see that Colin had already scurried away.

She grabbed my arm. "You can make up for bumping into me, you know," she purred. "Apologies don't have to be _spoken_."

"Yeah, yeah," I said, yanking my arm away. "Now really, I have some serious thinking to do." Which was true, I thought as I made my escape from her grasp. I mean, my discovery had been so profound that it had led to that whole disaster with running into Colin. But it was worth it, because now I knew...

Smith was **blackmailing **Katie into going out with him!

* * *

A/N: Short chappie, I know, but with this particular story, I'm aiming for shorter chapters but lots of them. Plus, I still have all these ideas running through my head and I haven't gotten them sorted out yet. 

Thanks to my reviewers! I wrote out individual replies this time and updated, but I've heard from three people that fanfiction is actually _penalizing _people for doing that... ? I got scared and went back to delete all of them. My apologies!


	4. The Survey That Didn't Help At All

Hello everyone! Thanks for reading and reviewing and just being awesome in general.

Disclaimer: The "Zipadee doo da" (sp?) song belongs to Disney. Don't ask.

**Chapter 4**

"Wood, that's bull. Think what you will, but Katie's not stupid. She wouldn't let anyone blackmail her into dating."

"Maybe it's something big. Maybe it was a life or death situation," I insisted.

"I doubt that." Apparently Roger wasn't taking me seriously. But it was a very serious issue! I mean, Katie's life could be at stake here!

"Look," he went on. "She's my stepsister. I think I'd know her better than you do, and my brain is telling me that Katie's dating Smith on her own free will."

_Your brain could be wrong! Have you even considered that, you pitiful excuse for a Ravenclaw?_

"Excuse me?"

Grrr! _Why_ must I continue speaking my thoughts aloud? This was getting to be a problem.

"Never mind," I said. "Forget I said anything. And don't mention this to Katie. Just between us, man to man, eh?"

"Right. But only because you never ratted on me that time I shagged Celeste on McGonagall's desk and spilled ink over her test papers."

"Always the innocent one, Davies," I said dryly.

He smirked. "Can't you see the halo?"

xxx

So not even the dear stepbrother of the damsel in distress will acknowledge that she's... well, distressed. This calls for action, and if no one else will do it, Oliver Wood will.

I ran into my dormroom to grab a few supplies. I was soon armed and ready: my favorite Puddlemere cap backwards on my head, clipboard in one hand, quill in the other.

My first victim - er, helper - was none other than Percy Weasley, Number One Most Annoying Roommate in Hogwarts History. I felt he owed it to me after making me and our two other roommates hear his nasal voice saying,"Would you turn off the light already?" or "The houselves didn't wash my socks again!" (who blamed them?) or "Be sure to only engage in **_protected_ **sex!" He was big on that one.

"Oi, Percy. I was wondering if you would spare a few moments and take my survey." It was a rather brilliant plan, actually. I would ask people's opinions of various couples in the school, and Katie and Smith would be one of them. That way it wouldn't look so suspicious, see? Sheer brilliance.

"Do you honestly expect me to pass all my NEWTS, be top in our class, and get a superior job in the Ministry of Magic when you're constantly shoving yourself in my presence?"

So much for that. "My apologies, your Majesty. Thy humble servant will be sure never to intrude upon thy personal privacy ever again."

"Good," he sniffed. The prat. Fine then. Time to find some other, more _appreciative _people.

Those other, more appreciative people came in the form of Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil, who were the first Gryffindors I ran into in the common room. Their first response to my "Oi, could you girls help me?" was: giggle. Giggle giggle. Heck, why not even some more giggles?

"Um. Are you okay?" They shot a glance at each other and giggled again.

"Sure, Oliver, how can we help?" Parvati said at last, batting her eyelashes a little.

"Okay, I'm doing a survey," I said in my best business voice, my quill poised at the ready. "What do you think about Percy Weasley and Penelope Clearwater dating?"

Lavender's dazed grin was replaced by a frown. "What kinda survey is this anyway?"

"Top secret," I said vaguely. "Anyway, you don't seem keen on answering, so tell me what you think, Parvati."

"No, wait, I want to do it!" Lavender said hastily. "Um, I think Penelope's on, like, something to go out with someone like Percy.

"Yeah, that's what I think," Parvati agreed. "She's on something. Something strong."

"Yeah, definitely something strong. Maybe crack."

"Crack, yeah."

I stared at them. Okay let's _not_ do this Polly the Parrot thing and repeat ourselves. But I made little scribbles on my clipboard anyway to make it look like I was taking down their answers. "All right, moving on... What about Draco Malfoy and Pansy Parkinson?"

"They are, _so_, not like, going out!" Parvati snapped. "It's like you can _totally_ tell he just uses her whenever he's craving a shag."

"Parvati's just jealous 'cause she thinks Draco's a sex god," Lavender explained.

I winced. This discussion was making me feel slightly nauseous. "Ooookay, moving on! What about... Katie Bell and Zacharias Smith?"

"Um, who?" Lavender said stupidly but Parvati elbowed her in the ribs, whispering to her friend, "You're like _totally _behind in the gossip. I'm disappointed." Then, to me, she said, "Odd couple. But they're sweet, anyway. Kind of. I guess. He like gave her this ginormous cuddly teddy bear on their two-week anniversary and it was like the sweetest thing ever."

Not exactly what I wanted to hear... but then again, these are the two most empty-headed girls in Gryffindor.

"He has a funny name. Zacharias," Lavender giggled but Parvati ignored her and said, "So are there any other couples on your list?" before I could ask more questions about Katie and Smith.

I sighed, reluctant to move on, but I did anyway. "Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. I'm a Jennifer Aniston supporter myself, but..."

Ever look into a cow's eyes? Huge, brown, pools giving you blank, empty stares. That's what I was getting from these two. "Never mind," I said quickly, crossing out Brad and Angelina off my list. How the hell did they make it there in the first place? "Thanks. I'll see you girls later."

They giggled again and I heard a muffled voice as I walked away, saying something that sounded suspiciously like, "He said see you _later_. That means we have a chance!"

I walked a bit faster.

xxx

Survey Results  
(only the Katie Bell/Zacharias Smith parts)

**Angelina Johnson**: "Ooh Oliver, why're you so interested?"

**Alicia Spinnet**: "I think it's rather... _unexpected_, but I guess I'm used to it now. I think they're a cute couple.

**Fred Weasley**: "This survey is boring."

**George Weasley**: "Zipadee doo da! Zipadee ay! My, oh my, I think Oliver's gay!"

**Cedric Diggory**: "I really don't see how they're anybody else's business."

**Padma Patil**: "Um. I have to pee."

**Taylor Somers**: "Instead of analyzing other people's relationships, why don't you start your own?" _(followed by a lot of eyelash-batting)_

**Ernie Macmillan**: "Well, let's think about this. First, let's analyze love. What is love? Merely a feeling of attraction or something... _tangible,_ something _there? _It's a rather abstract concept. Then you add the complications of forbidden love, unrequited love, love/hate, and all those other kinds of love. So basically one could categorize Katie and Zacharias into "unexpected love"... no wait, that came out wrong. Let me start over. Let's think of Katie and Zacharias in terms of two magnets. You would think that they oppose each other at first, because their two like sides oppose. But if you think about it, their different sides attract. Therefore you might think they don't go together, but they do because of their differences, see? So basically I guess what I'm trying to say is that love is related to science... no wait, that's not right either, is it? Hold on... wait! Oliver, where are you going! I'm not finis - "

**Marcus Flint**: "She's hot."  
_When asked to comment on the couple, not only the female half: _"She's hot. Really hot. Like, I'd bang her if she wasn't half Mudblood."  
_(this was followed by a severe beating, which was followed by a very injured Flint, which was followed by a trip to Madam Pomfrey)_

**Luna Lovegood**: "They should watch out. I heard there's a wild Snorkelhuffler roaming about, and its only weakness is dwarf nosehair. Make sure Kaylie and Zachary have some. Or they could die."

xxx

As you can see, that didn't go so well. All I got was a load of BS. The only half-way decent response was from Alicia, but even she didn't give me the answer I wanted. Perhaps it was time to confront Katie herself -

"Oliver, I need to speak with you." And there she was. It was like... magic?

"Sure. What's up?"

"What's this I hear about you doing... a survey? One that involves couples in the school including Zacharias and me?"

"Oh, well, _you_ know..." I said airily. _Quick, think of a lie, **think of a lie**! _

Katie frowned. "No, I _don't _know."

"Um... well I thought I might learn something from it. So I... er... I chose the most successful couples in the school to analyze so... um... maybe I could learn to have a relationship like that too one day 'cause usually mine end up becoming disasters... so um. Yeah."

That was the most pitiful excuse I've heard. And I've heard many.

She raised her eyebrows. "Draco and Pansy were on the list."

"Yeah, well... um. I heard they have good sex?"

Katie's eyes widened and she opened her mouth as if to speak, then closed it. Then suddenly she was laughing. And laughing. And laughing.

"Oliver, you're priceless!" she gasped, wiping tears from her eyes.

"What?" I said, annoyed.

"So anyway, you think Zach and I make a good couple. And you want a relationship like ours one day."

"Uh - "

"It's kind of cute, actually," she smiled. "Who knows, maybe the girl you'll end up loving is standing right in front of you, and you'll both realize it someday."

The irony of it all was just killing me.

"Anyway, I'm heading up to my room now. See you in the morning."

"Wait." I caught her wrist and her eyes widened in surprise. "I want to ask you something... Is there anything that's making you... _uncomfortable_? Anything you want to talk about? In your relationship, I mean."

She looked puzzled. "About Zach?"

"Yeah," I said quickly.

"Umm... well actually, there's this one thing... it's been bugging me for ages now."

Yes! I was on the verge of a major breakthrough! "What is it? You can tell me," I said in my best you-can-trust-me voice.

Katie laughed a little. "It's kind of stupid..."

"It doesn't matter, just tell me."

"I have no idea what to get Zach for his birthday! It's next week." I stared at her, dumbfounded. "It's easy for boys to get things for girls but it's just so_ difficult _to do that for a boy!" When I didn't say anything, she smiled at me sheepishly. "I told you it was stupid."

_You're right, it is!_ I thought, but I said, "Maybe you can give him something Quidditch-related, 'cause he's on the Hufflepuff team. Like, since your dad has connections, could you get him tickets to see his favorite team or something?"

Katie's face broke out into a beatific smile. "I never thought of that! I'll owl my dad tomorrow. Thanks, Oliver!" She lifted my cap off my head and ruffled my hair. "You're the best."

"Aren't I?" I said dully.

"See you tomorrow. 'Night!" Then she kissed my cheek and left.

The kiss was hardly any consolation. I mean, I had _helped her_ choose _a gift _for her _boyfriend!_ Talk about betraying your own self.

All right, I'll admit it. I don't think she's being blackmailed. If she was, she wouldn't go through the trouble of finding the _perfect _gift for her _perfect_ boyfriend. That is, not unless she wasn't _aware_ that she didn't really love him... I wasn't sure if even Smith would stoop that low, but soon I was convinced.

_He was using a **love potion!**_

**

* * *

**

A/N: I'm still a little spooked about the whole fanfiction's-going-to-kill-you-if-you-respond-to-your-reviewers thing (I even removed _all_ my replies from my last chapter!). However, I'm not so paranoid anymore, so I'm not going to give up doing replies entirely, but I'm only going to reply to people who had questions or whatever.

Also, I'm really sorry about this- and I remove all blame whatsoever from me ahead of time- but my parents have banned me from fanfiction! On account of "junior year being so much work" and all that jazz. I had to sneak on the computer today to write this chappie. So I'm not sure when the next chapter of this or my other story will be updated, but please stick with me anyway because I WILL FIGHT THE SYSTEM!

(ahem. cough)

Thanks to: **birds of morrigan, FirstDaysofSummer, Wingsofthefae** (thanks for the chocolate!)**, Galasriniel, Merry Faerie, Emelinee, Spexy, Star of the North, Maria Casey Wood, BrownEyedAthena, Giddyupgal, CarbonMonoxide, Onasi26, name, TooSweet4Words, midnightmoo220, LoonyLuna48, loo loo, luvin-it, pokethepenguin01** (thanks for leaving so many reviews for my other story!)**, Georgeluver92, **and **siriusblackhottie**.

See that itty bitty button down there? In the left hand corner? The one that says "Go"? Click it!


	5. There's a First Time for Everything

I haven't updated in forever! SO sorry, everyone. I promise such a wait won't happen again. In fact, I'm already planning the next chapter.

Also, someone commented that there's not much interaction between Katie and Oliver at this point. Don't worry, it's getting there!

**Chapter 5**

I was in a bad mood. A week's worth of spying and careful observation had proved that I was wrong yet again -- Katie wasn't under the influence of a love potion. If she was, she'd be babbling every second she was away from him. "Ohmigosh I need Zacharias; I need him like I need oxygen," or something else pitiful like that. Instead, she seemed to have no trouble saying goodbye to him before stepping into class, or lasting three classes in a row without acting like a fish flopping on the grass dying from lack of oxygen, wishing she wasn't dying such a slow, unbearable death.

But enough with the vivid imagery. Seriously.

xxx

_Dear Diary,_

_Oliver has been acting very strange. He doesn't look me directly in the eye; whenever he's watching the rest of us practice, his eyes slide right over me as if he forgets I even exist. Today I ran into him on the way back from the locker rooms and I tried to have a normal conversation with him but he went off muttering, "Can't believe it wasn't a potion." _

_Is he having trouble with schoolwork? Perhaps he's struggling so much in Potions that he thinks about it outside of class. Whatever it is, I hope he gets over it because I can't stand to look at that furrowed, almost constipated look on his face any longer._

xxx

I don't know how I first came up with the idea to steal Katie away from Zacharias Smith. I think I thought of it while walking in the corridor, in between thinking that I was going to fail my Transfiguration exam next period, and that if Pansy Parkinson's shirt was any tighter, she'd lose blood circulation in her breasts. Then it hit me -- I wanted Katie Bell. It was later on that I realized -- basically that comes down to stealing her from Smith.

Too bad it's not as easy as it sounds. If only it was as simple as stealing her literally, as you would a diamond or something like that. I could carry her out of her room in the dead of night and scream from the tower, "Katie Bell is mine! MUHAHAHAHAHA!"

Um, no. In order to win her, it would have to be through subtler means. Hmm... well I _am_ the King of Suave. I can take any challenge.

xxx

_Plan 1: Woo the lady using my superior charm and wit._

xxx

I had to start off casually. "Nice shirt, Bell. It really compliments your eyes."

Katie looked down at her green tank top, startled, while her friend Leanne snickered. Then she looked up at me, and I gave her my most charming smile. She grinned. "Nice one, Wood," she said, punching my arm. "You had me believing you for a second."

"What if I was being serious?" I said, miffed.

She rolled her eyes. "The only time you've ever commented on one of my outfits was the time you said, "Did you pick out your outfit with your eyes closed?" and "You look like a cucumber.""

"I never called you a cucumber!" I said, indignant that she could accuse me of saying such a thing.

"I never said you did. I said you said I _looked _like a cucumber."

"But I say, why would you say I said you looked like a cucumber?"

"Because you did!" she said, exasperated, "that day I wore all green third year."

"You remember things I've said from back then?"

She paused, then flushed. "No! I mean, that just stuck in my head."

"That I called you a cucumber?"

"That you said I looked like one, yes!"

At this point, Leanne laughed out loud, and Katie and I glared at her. "This is serious!" I reprimanded her. Katie's mouth twitched, and then she was laughing too.

"Let's call this a truce," she said, "as Leanne and I have to get to class. But you _did _say I looked like a cucumber that day and I'll never forgive you for it." She winked, then pulled on Leanne's arm. "Let's go."

"What does she look like today?" Leanne called over her shoulder as they left. "An asparagus?" The two burst out laughing and I could hear the echo of their laughter as they turned the corner.

I hate girls.

xxx

Oliver Wood

Age: 17  
Hair color: Brown  
Eye color: Dark brown  
Pet Peeve: Unflushed toilets  
Current Mood: Annoyed

xxx

Supposedly I'm right at the top of Hogwart's Most Eligible and Wanted Men. And supposedly the longer the other guys on the list and I remain single, the more we're wanted. I'm okay with that, really - attention from the opposite sex is never unappreciated - except for one thing: I'm right behind Cedric Diggory on the list, and I resent that. First of all, the bloke is younger than me. Second, he's not even that good-looking. Compared to my own rugged good looks, his pretty boy face is worth nothing. Third, he's _an enemy._

For instance, right now I was losing horribly to him in a game of gobstones. A stone had just spat some darn foul-smelling liquid on my face and I scowled, especially when Diggory smiled.

We were at our monthly Captains' meeting. After seeing the competitive, kill-or-be-killed attitude Quidditch games had come to mean at the school, Madam Hooch and Professor Dumbledore had come up with the **brilliant** idea to get us together to chat it up once a month, to promote Interhouse Unity. HA! Interhouse Unity my arse.

"Gobstones not one of your strong points, eh?" Flint smirked.

"Shut up," I snapped, wiping the nasty stuff off my cheek.

"He was always better at Exploding Snap," Roger acknowledged, and I looked approvingly at him. "Except when I beat him, of course." My 'approving' look vanished and was replaced by a disgusted one.

"The only thing Wood is good at is losing," said Flint maliciously.

"Oh and I suppose you took it well when Gryffindor beat Slytherin last year?" I shot back, smirking when his face turned red with anger. There is a lot of smirking done at these meetings, I've noticed.

"Enough with the insults already," Diggory said, kicking the gobstones aside and leaning back to recline lazily on a couch. "Let's all agree on something for once."

"Yeah, that Wood is stupid?" Flint said.

"Or that Flint has a face only a mother gorilla could love?" I retorted.

Oooh did that get him mad. "What about the fact that you've been single since the beginning of the year?"

"Have you been keeping track?" Roger smirked. "Interested, are you?"

You know when throw-up reaches the back of your mouth but you swallow it back? That's what happened to me just then. Flint looked nauseous as well.

"Please!" Diggory shouted, holding out his hands. "Shall we _not?_"

As if he hadn't even brought up those grotesque images in our minds, Roger said in my defense, "Still, can you blame him for staying single after the whole ordeal with Elizabe-"

"STOP!" I shouted, covering my ears. "Not listening!"

"Wait," said Diggory, sitting up. "Flint, _you're_ single too!"

"So?" Flint said, but he turned beet-red.

"And you, didn't you break up with Celeste?" Diggory asked Roger, who shrugged.

"I've decided not to have permanent relationships anymore. That way there's no strings attached, see?" I rolled my eyes at him.

"I'm not going out with anyone either," Diggory admitted.

Flint's eyes glinted. I thought 'Uh-oh' even before he said "I have an idea."

"Try to get each of us with a girl we absolutely would never be interested in under normal circumstances, and whoever does so first is the winner?" Roger suggested.

Flint frowned, unhappy that his glory from thinking of something so stupid was taken away. "Yeah."

"No way," I said firmly. "Absolutely no bloody way. You guys would land me with... Hermione Granger or someone like that."

"Not a bad idea," Flint said with an evil grin, and I groaned.

"I think it'll be fun," Diggory said. Stupid Diggory. "Whoever wins gets their room cleaned from top to bottom by the others, who have to call him 'your Majesty' for a whole day."

Hmm. Flint slaving away under my command. Not a bad idea. "What are the rules then?" I said.

"We have to pick people in our own Houses," Flint said adamantly. "No way am I ever going to hook up with a Gryffindor."

"No cheating, like using love potions," Roger said. "And you can't try to sabotage anyone else's chances of winning."

"Whoever gets a kiss from their girl is the winner, but the others have to be there to see it."

"Agreed." Diggory said. "Do we have an accord?"

"Aye," said the others. They paused, looking at me when I remained silent.

"Don't be a wuss," Flint hissed. I stared him down.

"I'm in," I said. This would go down in history as the first time Marcus Flint, Cedric Diggory, Roger Davies, and Oliver Wood came into an agreement.

Diggory conjured a big top hat with his wand with a dramatic flair. Always the show-off, that one. He gave three slips of paper to each of us. "Write down the name of the girl you want the others to be with. Try to pick girls you think the others would _never _want to hook up with. Then we'll pick out of this hat."

I chewed on the end of my quill, trying to think of the worst girls possible in Slythern for Flint. It was a tough decision, as there were many repulsive girls in Slythern, but I finally chose Pansy Parkinson. I picked Hannah Abbott, a nerdy goody-two-shoes, for Diggory. Then, unable to keep a straight face, I chose Luna Lovegood for Roger. I could hear snickers around me as the others made their choices.

"All right, put in your choices for Flint," Diggory said, holding out the hat, and we put our papers in. Since it was his turn, Flint reached in his hand to pick. His cocky grin fairly melted off his face.

"Millicent Bulstrode," he read, looking sick. We three hooted with laughter, and I couldn't believe I hadn't chosen her also. Pansy was a slut and a bitch but she wasn't _ugly_. Like Millicent.

Still laughing, Diggory slipped his hand into the hat when it was his turn. His smile turned upside down as he read, "Hannah Abbott! But she's such a _nerd!_"

"She's not as bad as Millicent," I smirked, earning a hard punch on the shoulder from Flint. Perhaps I deserved it.

Roger went next. He looked very, very pale as he read, "Luna Lovegood." We laughed and laughed while he pouted. Flint overturned the hat to reveal that all three of us had picked her for Roger.

Last (but _certainly _not least!), I went. I held my breath, praying, "Please don't let it be Hermione Granger, please don't let it be Hermione Granger," but knowing full well it would be Hermione Granger. I chose a slip of paper and drew it out.

I stared at the name on my paper, shocked.

* * *

A/N: There. A long chapter to make up for my long absence. 

The review number for this story has been 99 for the longest time, probably to drive me crazy. :) Who will be the 100th?

Thanks to **GiddyupGal, CarbonMonoxide, Spexy, Georgeluver92, justawriter, TooSweet4Words, (blank), FirstDaysofSummer, Star of the North, luvin-it, Wings of the Fae, WendyLady, Maryann, siriusblackhottie, Gallon of Firewhiskey, Emelinee, LoonyLuna48, WILD-JAGUAR, Merry Faerie, Padfoot's Sidekick, nitwit9790, zodiun, pokethepenguin01, loo loo, Realist, birds of morrigan, Girl With the Evil Computer, berry-scented, Ellen Jacee, **and **Tea/Anzufan**. I would've done individual responses this time except my mom is coming home soon and I have to finish before she comes. Me so sneaky... :D


	6. Absolutely Loony

Happy Thanksgiving to all my American reviewers! And to those who don't celebrate it, I hope you're having a wonderful day anyway.

A big thank-you to my 100th reviewer, LoonyLuna48. (Are you a big Luna fan? She makes a grand appearance in this chapter.) Thanks also to everyone else who got me over 130 reviews! Woohoo! As for those who wanted more interaction between Katie and Oliver, you're about to get it.

Now, who's name will be on that paper?...

**Chapter 6**

"HERMIONE GRANGER!"

Funny how Flint and Diggory, bitter Quidditch enemies for _years_, had just shouted Hermione's name simultaneously, and were now clutching each other. Dying of laughter. Together. It was rather disconcerting. As for myself, my jaw had dropped open and I had to physically shut it close with my hand. Luckily no one noticed how stupid I looked, because they were too busy laughing.

My eyes read the name one last time to make sure, because really, seeing is _not _always believing. I cleared my throat. "No, actually. That's not what it says." Their laughter stopped abruptly, though not before Flint let out one last donkey-like hee haw.

I showed them the slip of paper, unable to believe it myself. In clear, bold handwriting,was the name **Katie Bell. **

"But, but..." Flint spluttered. And then in two seconds he and Diggory were shouting about it "not being fair" because "she's a nice girl" not to mention "very pretty" and "hot!" (this came from Flint), and so she "didn't qualify" in this contest.

And while they ranted on and on, Roger crossed his arms and leaned back. "I do hope you both know you're talking about my stepsister."

Silence. Then, "Don't tell me **you **put Katie's name in!" Diggory cried. Apparently he and Flint had both chosen Hermione.

"I did," Roger said smugly. "Tell them why, Wood."

At first I didn't get it. Then... "Bloody hell!" I shouted. "Roger, you wanker! I'll bloody _kill _you!" I groaned and buried my face in my hands.

Flint looked visibly confused, but then again that wasn't something new. "Huh?"

"Kissing her would be like kissing my own sister!" I wailed. "If I had one, that is. I fairly grew up with their folks, and I have to get her to _kiss _me!" I slumped against the sofa behind me and threw in another groan for good measure. Diggory looked relieved, though Flint seemed unconvinced. Bah, screw Flint.

"Good choice, huh?" Roger bragged. "You'll never win, Wood, admit it. "

I only groaned again and hid my face in a cushion. But that was only to hide the wide smile that spread across my face. Oh, Roger you idiot, if you only knew...

xxx

Now that our little contest was turned in my favor, it only gave me more incentive to win Katie over. I studied my opponents a bit closely beforehand, making notes:

_**Flint **- quite the Neanderthal. Not even Millicent Bulstrode would kiss him.  
**Diggory** - Hannah Abbot? She can give full summaries of the Goblin Wars without stopping for breath but I bet she doesn't even know what a kiss is. Much less how to give one.  
**Roger **- ...hahahahahahahaha!_

Therefore I was the clear winner. Except for a tiny, insignificant problem...

Katie had a boyfriend.

xxx

"Katie, I want you to stay after practice," I said, frowning as if in disapproval after she'd failed to score a goal past me.

She scowled. "Just me?"

"Just you."

The others picked up their belongings and trudged away, and Alicia and Angelina looked back curiously, but I paid them no mind. "Your grip shifts sometimes, and it's wrong," I said. I stopped my broom in midair beside her, showing her the correct position of the hands.

She crossed her arms, refusing to cooperate. "Just explain again why only I have to stay?"

I sighed, as if trying to be patient. "The best players are the ones who have the most room for improvement."

Katie's face remained blank. "And you're saying...?"

"That you're a great player but you can be even better."

After a brief hesitation, she sighed. "All right. But I hope it won't be long."

"It won't be. Now look at my hands and do exactly as I do. Good, that's right. No, now you have it wrong." I leaned closer to her, taking her smaller hands in mine, and positioned them correctly on her broom. "See?"

"Okay. Now what?"

"That's it. You're done." Though I didn't want to let her go so soon, I really couldn't think of any other reason to keep her longer.

Katie frowned, puzzled, but then she smiled. "Thanks, Wood. Want me to help you pack the balls away?" It was uncomfortably quiet for a while as we returned the balls to their box, until Katie broke the silence by saying, "You know, Snape could learn a thing or two from you. Five-minute detentions would be more appreciated than his three-hour ones."

"Are you comparing me to a greasy-haired, hook-nosed git who's probably as chaste as McGonagall because he couldn't get any girls in his prime and never will?"

Katie's mouth formed an o, and then she laughed delightedly. "Oliver!"

"I know. I'm funny. No need to tell me."

"Prat."

She had just strapped in one Bludger and reached for the next when suddenly it took off the ground, swerving dangerously close to her head. "Not again!" she groaned. "These almost killed me last time..."

We set off in hot pursuit of the stubborn ball. "Here!" I shouted. "I'll chase it toward you." I flew behind the Bludger, maneuvering it toward Katie, when suddenly it did an about-face and went after me.

"I'm coming, Oliver!" Katie shouted, dashing toward the ground and picking up a bat. "Fly back to the ground!"

I did, and she managed to fly behind the Bludger and smack it toward the ground, where I wrestled with it. Katie joined me and pushed it into the box, and I slammed the box shut. We stood in silence, our hands clasping the top of the box, until Katie looked at me and let out a merry peal of laughter. She flopped down on the grass, her body shaking with laughter.

"That was fun," she gasped. "You should've seen your face!"

"Well you weren't exactly calm yourself." I lay down beside her, propping my hand under my head.

"Look, there's a bunny," Katie said suddenly, pointing at the sky.

I squinted against the sun. "No, I'd say it looks like a duck."

"Bunny."

"Duck."

"Not cucumber?"

I stared at her and she laughed. "Never mind..." She sighed. "I've missed this." Her voice was soft, wistful.

"Missed what?"

"This." She swept her arm toward the sky. "Doing absolutely nothing with you. If Roger were here, it'd be just like the old days."

"Except the difference is that now I would prefer him not being here." Katie looked sharply at me, startled, but I went on, "I've missed this too, Katie, and I think we should do something about it."

"How?" Her voice was low.

"We should spend more time together. There's still a bit of a kid left in me and you bring him out when you're around." I grinned, positive she would laugh and make fun of me. But instead...

"That's beautiful, Oliver," she said slowly, "it really is... it would make for a lovely poem."

I stared at her as she looked peacefully at the sky, wanting to blurt out, "When did you get so _weird?_" But I didn't. I suppose every girl is allowed to keep her funny little quirks.

Katie smiled softly to herself. "You think I've changed," she said without looking at me.

"No," I said, a bit too quickly.

"But I have." She smiled at me and stood, brushing grass off her robes. "However, I accept your offer, Mr. Wood. 'Twould be a delight to be in your good company more often now."

"Aye, fair lady, that would brighten any rainy day." I stood also, and extended my arm to her, which she took. We walked in solemn silence until suddenly we both said, "You're so _weird!_" and burst out laughing.

xxx

Elated by my success in improving my relationship with Katie, I bounced into the library and flopped down beside Roger. No, wait. Cross that from the records.

Elated by my success in improving my relationship with Katie, I strode confidently into the library and sat with dignity beside Roger.

"How are things going?" I said rather smugly.

"The contest?"

"No, I meant McGonagall's menstrual cycle," I said dryly."Yes, the contest!"

"As far as I know, Flint hasn't even tried to step within a three-mile radius of Millicent. He is _very _repulsed by her. Which is good, I suppose," he mused. "Diggory said hello to Hannah in the hallway but it confused her and all the other girls so much that they all dropped their books and Filch came storming into the hall wondering if the War had started."

I laughed. "Cor, that's brilliant! And what about you and Luna?" At this, his ears flamed red and he slammed his forehead against the table over and over. "Davies!" I shouted, "Davies! _Roger!_" I grabbed his head.

"Leggo my head," he mumbled.

"Only if you tell me why you were bashing your brains in." I released his head.

He slumped in his chair miserably. _"Luna Lovegood!"_ he whispered hoarsely. "I haven't even made an attempt, Wood."

"Flint hasn't either," I said soothingly. I should be a bloody shrink, I should.

"He will. But I... I _can't_." I stared in horror as he burst into tears.

"Roger!" I exclaimed. "You... you're crying!"

"Isn't it bloody well _obvious_? Leave me alone to die in peace."

"Roger--"

"GO!" He shouted, earning a death glare from Madam Pince. Intimidated by Roger's shout and the look on the librarian's face, I left the library.

The poor bloke. I don't blame him at all for crying. Girls are bloody lucky -- they can always rely on the excuse that it's their time of month.

xxx

"Wood, I have a problem."

I stared at Diggory, who had a little redhead attached to his arm. "If you call _that_ a problem, I don't see how I can help you," I said."Oh wait, maybe I can." I winked at the girl and she laughed appreciatively.

"Actually, this _is _the problem," she said. "Ced and I want to start dating but there's that little problem of the bet."

I stared at Diggory, dumbfounded. "You told her about the bet?"

"So?" He shrugged. "Don't worry, Blanche won't tell anyone." The innocent look on her face told me otherwise. The fool!

"Whatever, start dating," I said impatiently. "Go and get bloody married, for all I care. And when you post the banns, tell the whole world about the bet while you're at it."

"Wood..."

_Leave me alone,_ I thought furiously. _Go and have a hot wild shag. Or better yet, go bother Flint and Davies with your stupid problems._

"_What?_" Diggory squawked. Blanche looked shocked. **Damn **me and my habit of saying my thoughts out loud!

"Never mind!" I shouted, stomping away, leaving the fool and the foolettte staring after me. Well this was just brilliant. Katie would be absolutely livid if she found out...

"Get out of the way!" I yelled as I nearly ran into someone. That someone grabbed my arm.

"Ah, I've been meaning to speak to you."

I stared into the calm face of Luna Lovegood. "Luna," I said blankly.

"Oliver," she said cheerfully.

"Um...hi?"

"I've been meaning to speak to you about something." Bloody hell. She found out about the bet. She was going to... to _use_ me somehow against Roger!

"Here," she said, handing me a card:

_**Luna Lovegood**_

_Language and Speech Therapist  
Also specialised in Counseling and Psychiatry_

_Private sessions held in the Room of Requirement  
during evening hours. Confidentiality guaranteed._

"_Why_ did you give this to _me?_"

"You have the tendency to speak your thoughts aloud," Luna said very matter-of-factly. "And I can rectify that."

_Rectify_. Bloody hell, who uses the word _rectify?_

"I do," she said calmly. "And you've just done it again. Case proven."

ARGH! I knew just how Roger felt: I felt like banging my head against the wall. "Luna, this is --"

"Plus you tend to get overexcited," she interrupted. "I can teach you ways to calm down and relieve your stress."

"WHY do you know all this?" I shouted. The stalker!

"I'm always on the lookout for potential clients. So, what do you think?"

"No! The answer is no! You think I'm crazy? You think I should be in the loony bin?"

"No, I--"

"YOU belong in the loony bin!" I screamed, storming away.

I need a vacation. Badly.

* * *

A/N: Did I fool you at the beginning about Hermione? -cackles evilly- 

I _really _can't do individual replies now because they've been officially banned! (Check fanfiction's homepage.) There's a new system they've set up but I don't like it. But I'll try to respond to people with questions and particularly unusual comments deserving replies.

Now, I don't usually do this type of thing for my characters, but Oliver Wood really requests that I speak to you on his behalf, that he is -- under any circumstance -- _not crazy_. Thank you very much and have a nice day.


	7. Songs and Scandals

Hello everyone! I am in a very happy mood because I had no school yesterday, on the account of heavy snow. Let us have a moment of peace to appreciate the wonders of that form of precipation called snow...

-moment of silence-

Okay, now that that's done and over with, back to the story! I must say I am very pleased, albeit a bit surprised, to see how well this story's doing. I don't think I'm that much of a good writer; in fact, I went back to read _Always Remember_ over again and I gave up in the middle of the fifth chapter because I found it unbearable to read... But then again, I really like _What it Takes to Win Bell, _and I really appreciate everyone's enthusiastic response to it. Thank you all!

Oh, and to those who think Oliver was unnecessarily mean to Luna- don't fret! I absolutely love Luna; I think she is misunderstood and isn't given as much credit as she deserves. Here's a hint to appease the unhappy Luna fans out there: Even though I didn't plan it when I first began the story, she's going to end up playing a _very _big role in the plot.

But enough of my rambling. On with the story!

**Chapter 7**

_"Snape, oh Snape what have you done?"_

_"You've gone off and upset your mum."_

_"How is it that you didn't know,"_

_"That having a sordid love affair with a mermaid with googly eyes and funky gills and green hair and fishy breath and a long whiplash tail to boot,"_

_"Is not the way to go?"_

_"Ohhhh ohhhh ohhhhh..."_

_"Severus, oh Severus, you've just gotta let us know..."_

_"Why oh why are you such a hooooooe?"_

Silence.

"Blimey, Fred, do you hear all the applause?"

"I do, ol' George. It's almost deafening, it is."

"But our audience doesn't quite look impressed."

"Not at all. I wonder why?"

"It's just that we don't understand," said Angelina at last.

Fred opened his mouth to speak, but shut it, as if thinking. He rubbed his chin and said at last, "I can't say I understand it myself."

George's brow furrowed, and he gave Fred a look of utmost disapproval. "You don't understand. You don't _understand_. _You_ don't understand. _You don't understand_. Why?"

"How can Snape have a sordid love affair with a mermaid? What I mean to say is... how is that physically possible?"

"Exactly," said Alicia."How do mermaids have intercourse anyway?"

"Well, in fact, it just so happens that... er... well... That is actually a very good question," stuttered George.

"I've never thought about it before, really," Fred said, a look of wonder on his face.

"Huh. _Amazing_ what you can think of by pure accident..." George was wearing an identical look. "I mean, who would have thought..."

This was the conversation I happened to walk into as I joined my team for practice that afternoon. At first I didn't believe it, and I wondered if I had lost the last of my sanity. But this was what they were talking about, I swear.

"I don't want to hear about Snape's sordid, physically impossible love affair with a mermaid!" I shouted at the twins. "Practice starts _now!" _Fred and George grumbled about me being a loud and obnoxious git, and mounted their brooms.

I swear, those two will be the death of me.

xxx

_Dear Diary,_

_Oliver was in a great mood today because McGonagall had given us a note that allowed us to take the field from Slytherin two days before the Gryffindor/Slytherin match so we could practice. But it was only fair, since Snape had let Slytherin do that to us before._

_Unfortunately, we had an awful practice. Oliver said miserably that practice was over half an hour before it was supposed to end. He trudged into the locker rooms long after the rest of us had gone inside. Angelina, Alicia, and I had just finished changing and were heading out of the locker room when we stumbled onto the twins and Oliver... and you will **not** believe what the twins did to our dear Captain... I think they were pissed about Oliver starting practice early, saying he didn't want to hear the twins' song about Snape's sordid, physically impossible love affair with a mermaid..._

_"Cheer up, mate," said Fred. "We don't like seeing you down."_

_"But we want to see this down!" George said gleefully, pulling down Oliver's pants. __The girls and I could only stare at Oliver, wondering how he would react. _

_Any other guy would have turned bright red, and would have chased the twins around in rage after hastily pulling his pants up. But Oliver wasn't like that. With the calmest air imaginable, he casually picked up his pants, zipped them up, and slung his robes over one arm. And with the most impressive show of sophistication I've ever seen, he walked out of the room without even a backward glance._

_You really can't help but admire a guy like that._

xxx

I couldn't believe that the twins had pantsed me. Later, Harry told me how brilliant I was, walking out all coolly and indifferently (and naturally, I agree), but I was embarrassed nonetheless. And they did it in front of Katie, too! I won't ever let anyone know how embarrassing I found that, but I swear to get revenge on the twins by overworking them -- and only them -- in practice tomorrow.

These were the thoughts that were occupying my mind as I strolled through the halls, when suddenly what I saw made me stop in my tracks. There was a huge, lurid, neon-orange poster on the wall in front of me that said:

**QUAFFLES AREN'T THE ONLY THINGS ****THIS KEEPER'S HANDS GRAB AT**

And underneath was a picture of me that looked an awful lot like I was..._feeling_ _up _a girl... a girl who happened to be Taylor Somers! I couldn't believe it. Someone had gotten hold of that Colin Creevey's camera... that time I had run into him and the flashes had gone off and Taylor had gotten mixed into the whole mess... but that had all been an **accident**!

I was going to _kill _someone.

* * *

A/N: Rather pointless chapter, I know, but I thought it was so funny I _had_ to post it! 


	8. A Smack in the Head

Hello everyone! I had to finish this chapter quickly today because I think Fanfiction's having a makeover or something tomorrow, during which stories can't be updated. In any case, I decided to give you a much-longer-than-usual chapter this time, since some people have been commenting on how short my chapters are. But for future reference, remember -- shorter chapters mean more frequent updates! Just so you know...

Oh, and about the last chapter -- it wasn't _entirely _pointless because it gives rise to how stressed poor Oliver is getting; you'll see, after this chapter. And I'm very sorry about the lack of Katie-Oliver interaction, but we're getting there! All in good time, folks, all in good time... :) I really like this chapter, so I hope all of you will too!

Happy New Year, everyone!

**Chapter 8**

It was the twins, I knew it. Those nasty little brats. My hands clenched, as if I was holding one of their necks right then. _Squeeze..._

"Enjoying the view?" I turned and saw Marcus Flint, who smirked. "It's a rather clever poster, if you ask me."

"I wasn't asking you," I growled through tightly clenched teeth. I turned my back on him and pointed my wand at the poster, ripping it down from the wall.

"There's no point taking that down. Everyone's seen them; they're all over the school... I wonder if Katie's seen one yet."

No. No way... I glared at him. "It was you, wasn't it?"

Flint smirked. "Of course not, why would I do something like that?"

"To kill off your competition," I said, seething. "So girls would see this, think I'm some kind of pervert, and not want anything to do with me. _Especially _Katie."

"Actually, I rather think this poster will encourage some girls."

Boy, was he fast approaching the top of my _Top Five People Oliver Wood Wants To Kill_ list. "Not Katie. And you know it."

"Perhaps." And then there was that infuriating smirk again.

"_Wood!_" We turned and saw McGonagall, who was storming down the hall toward us. _Uh oh..._

"Good luck worming your way out of this one." Flint grinned and snuck away.

McGonagall swooped down on me like Madam Pince does when she catches you doodling in one of her precious library books. "You have some serious explaining to do, young man!"

xxx

**_Top Five People Oliver Wood Wants to Kill_**

5. Colin Creevy (Reason: for taking the bloody picture, albeit accidentally)

4. Taylor Somers (Reason: for being in the picture and just _existing _in general)

3. Zacharias Smith (Reason: for dating Katie Bell)

2. Fred/George Weasley (Reason: for an embarrassing pantsing in front of the aforementioned Katie)

1. Marcus Flint (Reason: _Because he deserves to **die**_)

xxx

Believe it or not, I was let off.

McGonagall didn't believe me at first when I told her it was accident ("I caught you snogging Patricia Stimpson just last week; are you saying the same didn't happen with Taylor Somers?"), and then I said, "That may be true but _why _would I put up such embarrassing posters of myself on the walls?" She finally let me go, especially after Colin Creevy appeared and told her what had really happened. Afterwards, he found me and told me he wasn't sure how Flint had gotten the picture, but it was probably when a couple Slytherin bullies had stolen his camera for the fun of it.

Lucky for the little booger, I took him off my _Top Five People Oliver Wood Wants To Kill _list. In fact, I was so pleased with Colin that I gave him my last box of Chocolate Frogs. He said something, but in such a squeaky voice that I alarmingly mistook him to say "Spank me" when he really said "Thankee."

...No, I _didn't_ spank him, thank you very much to the people who were thinking -- or hoping -- I did. You perverts.

Anyway, now that I was let off the hook, I allowed myself to take a detour from wooing a certain Katherine Bell, so as to get sweet revenge on someone who was _long _overdue in feeling my wrath...

In other words, a certain Marcus Neanderthal Flint.

xxx

_Dear Diary,_

_I'm writing this in the middle of History of Magic because it's the only thing that will keep me awake in the class. I have fun news for you anyway..._

_We were at breakfast this morning when the owl post came in. I was reading a letter from my sister when suddenly there was a sort of hush at the Slytherin table, one of those uh-oh-someone's-just-gotten-a-Howler hushes. Naturally, everyone in the Hall turned to look, and we saw this enormous scarlet envelope sitting in front of Marcus Flint, who looked like a bomb had just been dropped in front of him. Since everyone knows by now what happens if you don't open one of those immediately, he peeled it open looking very frightened, and suddenly a deep, booming voice started echoing through the Hall:_

**MARCUS EBENEZER FLINT! **(there were quite a few guffaws at this)** WHAT IS THIS I HEAR ABOUT YOUR RECENT BEHAVIOR AT SCHOOL? HAVE YOU REALLY BEEN PUTTING UP POSTERS WITH LIES ABOUT PEOPLE? ****HAVE YOU REALLY BEEN STALKING A HOUSE ELF NAMED PIPSY? _HAVE YOU REALLY BEEN STREAKING THROUGH THE HALLS AT TWO IN THE MORNING?_**

**DO YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH PAIN AND HUMILIATION YOUR MOTHER AND I ARE GOING THROUGH, YOU INSUFFERABLE, PITIFUL EXCUSE FOR A SON? IMPROVE YOUR BEHAVIOR AT ONCE OR I'LL DRAG YOU HOME BY THE EAR!**

_There was a pause, and everyone thought it was over when suddenly the voice roared:_

**AND DO NOT THINK WE DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER! YOUR AFFAIR WITH YOUR AUNT GERTRUDE IS FORBIDDEN FROM NOW ON, DO YOU UNDERSTAND? _FORBIDDEN!_**

_There was a roar of laughter, especially from our table. I nearly snorted my milk from laughing. Marcus Flint was as beet-red as Professor Sprout got that time George knocked over her prized Venomous Tentacula. And for some reason, Oliver couldn't stop laughing. It was as if he was on some kind of happy gas or something, because he was laughing long after everyone had gotten over the incident. _

_Speaking of Oliver... the Howler mentioned something about posters... it must have been Flint who put up those posters of Oliver. I knew Oliver wasn't some kind of pervy groper!_

xxx

The Gryffindor vs. Slytherin match was only four days after the whole Howler incident (which I'm _very_ proud of, by the way. Not only did I clear my reputation about the poster, but I got revenge as well! _MUHAHAHAHAHA_...). Anyway, the day was bright and clear. Birds were chirping merrily, the sun was smiling, and the happy little flowers were dancing in the wind...

Er, in other words, it was pretty nice out. The team followed me onto the field, where we were met by deafening cheers and boos. Lovely mixture, eh?

"Captains, shake hands!"

Flint grabbed my hand, squeezing painfully. I gripped his hand even more tightly, and we stared in each other's eyes, our hands still locked as we tried to outdo each other.

Madam Hooch, who was looking rather pissed off, said, "That's enough! A handshake lasts a couple seconds, not a lifetime. Everyone, mount your brooms!"

Three...two...one...

The shrill sound of the whistle pierced the air, and we kicked off. I flew to the hoops, and watched as Angelina got hold of the Quaffle and zoomed toward the hoops on the Slytherin side. Soon after, the Quaffle was taken by the Slytherins, and before long Flint was flying quickly toward me. He feinted to the right, but I knew he was aiming for the left and I blocked his attempt easily. As I threw the Quaffle to Alicia to bring down to the Slytherin end, Flint gave me a nasty glare. I saw a suspicious movement; he had his wand concealed except for the very tip...

_Where _was Madam Hooch at a time like this? My eyes caught her; she, like the rest of the crowd, was watching the Quaffle that my teammates were taking down to the other side of the field. Flint's lips moved and immediately after casting the spell he laughed and flew back towards the action.

I couldn't see! Okay fine, I _could_ see, but my vision was horribly distorted. Well of _course_ it was distorted; the stupid 'tard had made me cross-eyed!

It wasn't long before Flint -- _was _it Flint? it was awfully hard to tell -- was coming down the field toward me again. He was definitely going for the right hoop... I dashed to the right, and he scored to the left! There was a triumphant roar from the Slytherin side of the crowd, and I heard Lee Jordan exclaiming, "Wood! It was right in front of you, man!"

"Having trouble seeing?" Flint laughed. I could just _tell_ he was smirking; he spoke in a very smirk-y voice.

"This is against the rules!" I shouted. "You can't mess with a _game!_" But he only laughed again and flew away.

The Slytherins scored four more goals that way, with me having spazz attacks in the completely wrong direction.

"Wood, what's the _matter _with you?" Katie shrieked in frustration.

That did it. Unable to take it any longer, I flew down toward Madam Hooch to demand a time-out. Except I couldn't really see very well, and I zig-zagged toward the ground, consequently almost knocking Madam Hooch over. The Slytherins roared with laughter.

"I need a time-out," I said.

"I can see that," she replied curtly, a bit pissed that the end of my broom had poked into her before she could step aside. The rest of the team joined me, ignoring the jeers coming from the Slytherins.

"Wood, what's going on?" Harry demanded immediately. "This is your worst game ever!" Whoa... I could see like... two Harrys. If I narrowed my eyes... _whoa_ I could see _three_ Harrys!

"Looks like only _you_ should be getting up early in the mornings practicing, not us," Fred grumbled, and I gave him the finger. Except my vision wasn't very good and I think I accidentally did it to Angelina.

"Look," I said, "I have a _problem_, can't you see--"

_"Bloody hell, your eyes are crossed!" _Alicia shrieked.

"Yes, that is the problem I was talking about," I said dryly. "Alicia, did you know you have four heads?"

"Oh Oliver!" Katie said anxiously. "This is awful... did someone hex you?"

"Flint, unfortunately. Hooch didn't even see."

"Oh gosh, this is awful...We can't forfeit, of course; that would be like handing the Slytherins the Quidditch Cup on a silver platter..." Katie started biting her nails.

"Get Hermione." We all looked at Harry like he was bonkers. "She can undo any hex." We all looked at Harry like he was a god.

Harry turned toward the Gryffindors, searching for Hermione. When he found her, he waved. She smiled and waved back. Harry groaned and tried waving again, harder. She beamed and waved back harder. "Hi Harry!"

"You know, for a smart girl, she's not very smart," Angelina said dryly.

_Come here,_ Harry mouthed, beckoning her to come forward.

_Me?_ Hermioned mouthed back, pointing to herself.

_Yes, YOU! _the entire team mouthed back. Looking confused, she hurried down.

"_What_ is going on here?" Madam Hooch demanded. "You can't cause a commotion like this during a game!"

"Just two seconds," I pleaded.

"Merlin, are your eyes crossed?" Madam Hooch cried, but we ignored her because Hermione had reached us.

"What's the problem?" Hermione said, panting from her run.

"This." Harry pointed at my eyes.

"Oh dear..."

"You know the anti-jinx, don't you?" I said desperately.

"No."

"Oh my God!" Alicia wailed. "Just _shoot_ me now..." Always the drama queen, that one.

"But there's another way..." Hermione reached up and...

_SMACK._

Ow.

"You just smacked Oliver in the head." Katie said in disbelief.

"Yes, I did," Hermione replied smugly. "This particular case of his didn't require an anti-jinx."

My eyeballs did this peculiar twirly thing (I heard a "Gross!" from Alicia and a "Cool!" from the twins) and then swiveled into place. With my newly un-crossed eyes, I looked at Hermione, who was beaming. I don't know what possessed me, but I grabbed her, twirled her around, put her down, kissed her cheek, jumped onto my broom, and flew back to the goals in all of five seconds. To say the least, I think I stunned everyone, but I didn't care. I could see normally again!

Fueled by our anger against the dirty, rotten, cheating, Slytherin scum, we Gryffindors kicked their arses and won 210-40.

xxx

**_The Good and Bad Results of Today's Quidditch Game_**

_Good_  
1. We won.  
2. The after-party.  
3. Hooch found out who hexed me and Flint was put in detention for three weeks for "tampering with a sport, an _absolutely unacceptable_ and _highly injurious _offense!"

_Bad  
_1. My head still hurts from that smacking.  
2. Some people don't know that I was hexed, thus thinking I'm a walking, talking, breathing spazz attack.  
3. Rumors have been circulating that a certain Oliver Wood and Hermione Granger have been carrying on a heated, intensely passionate love affair unbeknownst to the remainder of the entire student population, and Hermione's uncalled-for rampage onto the field during the game today had been caused by her recent discovery that she was carrying Oliver's child, which was why she smacked him upside the head in hot anger, but Oliver reacted to the news ecstatically, thus explaining why he had spun her around and kissed her, then returned to the game because that is what professional Quidditch players, who have just found out they're about to become fathers, must do.

xxx

I've had posters of me supposedly groping Taylor Somers put up around the school. I've been pantsed in front of the girl I am madly "in like" with. I've been hit with a cross-eye jinx and spazzed out before all of Hogwarts. I've been smacked in the head by Hermione Granger. I've been accosted with the rumor that's been explained in that horrible run-on sentence above.

My feet carried the rest of me as if of their own accord. Only half-conscious as to what I was doing, I walked back and forth three times... the door to the Room of Requirement appeared... I knocked... it opened, and a head poked out.

"Oh, Oliver! I knew you'd come."

I felt my hand being taken; I was pulled gently inside, and Luna Lovegood shut the door behind us.

* * *

A/N: Oh gosh, that last part makes it sound like they're about to have a shag... which they're NOT, believe me! 


	9. Words from the Wise

-chants- SATs are OVER! SATs are OVER! SATs are OVER!... Do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight! -does happy dance around the room-

Er...sorry. Didn't mean to get so carried away.

Anyway, I am BACK with a VENGEANCE! I'll try to update more frequently...but then again, you should never trust a fanfiction writer to keep that promise, 'cause things never work out that way...Anyway, I was absolutely _delighted_ to see how well my last chapter was received...mwah! -throws kisses to reviewers- I've listed all you wonderful people below.

Now, without further ado, we shall find out that...Oliver and Luna DID have a shag in the Room of Requirement!

...just kidding.

**Chapter 9**

"Sit down, won't you?"

I sat in the chair Luna pointed to. Well actually, it wasn't exactly a chair; rather, it was more like a sofa without a back or arms. One end was raised and propped with pillows, which I assumed were for my head.

"Tea?"

"Er, no thanks."

"Coffee?"

"No, thank you."

"Pumpkin juice?"

"No, really, I don't need anything--"

"Butterbeer?"

"No. Yes."

Luna smiled a little, tossing a bottle to me, and I chugged down its contents gratefully. I'd been starting to regret my decision to come here, and the frothy drink at least gave me something else to think about.

"Whenever you're ready, Oliver," said Luna brightly. She sat in a chair beside me and crossed her legs.

"Um, okay. You need me to lie down?" I asked uncertainly.

"Whichever you prefer, Oliver. You run the show here."

"Er...right." I remained sitting. "Uh, I'm kinda new at this, so..."

"No problem! How about I ask a few questions to get you started?" Luna picked up a clipboard and a pair of square glasses, which she placed on her nose.

"Uh, why are you wearing those?"

"They make me look more professional, no?" she asked brightly.

I stared blankly. "There are no lenses in them."

"'Course not, silly. I have 20/20 vision!" She laughed blithely.

_Why _did I come here?

"Because of your speech problem. You just spoke aloud again, you know." She smiled serenely. "However, I think we should focus on your inner mind, however, because that is what is causing your speech problem -- your inner struggles and turmoils."

"Er...right."

"I'll be taking a few notes, if you don't mind." Luna held up her quill. "Now...name?"

"You know it already!"

"_Name?"_ she repeated insistently.

"Oliver Wood."

"Good." I heard her quill scritching and scratching against the parchment. "Age?"

"Seventeen. Why are you aski--"

"Have there ever been any cases of insanity in your family? Mindless salivating, incurable insomnia, or spontaneous bouts of violence?"

"NO!" I shouted. "What kind of dumb question is that? You think I'm _insane?"_

"No," she replied calmly. "This is just standard procedure."

"You do this to all your clients?" I asked in disbelief.

"No. I have no other clients. Everyone else just laughs at me when I offer them help." She didn't look hurt at all as she said this, but instead remained perfectly matter-of-fact. She always did have that knack of telling the truth, and boy, was that blunt honesty enough to make anyone feel uncomfortable.

"Anyway," Luna went on, "Any problems going on in your life? Like, anything that makes your head just spin?" She rolled her head around to demonstrate, and her radish earrings swung all over the place.

I repeat, it was a mistake coming here.

"Come on, you can trust me. I promised you confidentiality, didn't I?"

To tell the truth, I actually _did _trust her. Well not _trust_, exactly, since I didn't know her at all really. But I had a feeling she wasn't the type of person to go spewing people's secrets around the whole school.

Wait. Maybe she _could _help me. Such as, for example, on how to get Katie!

"Okay. So, hypothetically, say I really liked this girl..." I began.

"Hypothetically?" Luna repeated.

"Yes."

"Right." She made a note on her clipboard.

"What are you writing?" I said suspiciously.

"Oh, nothing," she replied airily. "Please continue."

"Anyway...I like this girl, you see. Hypothetically, of course. And say, hypothetically, that she has a boyfriend. And I _know_ _-- _er, _hypothetically_ -- that she doesn't like him deep down inside, and has a secret burning passion for me, but she doesn't know it."

"So, essentially, you want to steal this girl from her boyfriend? Hypothetically."

"No, not _steal_," I said hastily. "Just merely...take? Well not _take, _because that makes her sound like just a _thing _that I want...I really like this girl, you see."

"Ahh, yes, I see." Luna adjusted her glasses. "And part of the reason you're so mentally disturbed sometimes is because of your hidden feelings for this girl?"

"Er, I suppose...?"

"And no one knows about your feelings for her."

"No, I don't think so."

"Have you tried_ showing_ your feelings for her?"

"I've tried to be...charming, I guess...It hasn't worked very well though."

"Have you tried determining exactly what it is about her boyfriend that makes him so appealing?"

"I've tried figuring out _why_ she likes him, if that's what you mean, but...wait." I stared at Luna. "What you're trying to say is..."

"Learn from your rival. The human race has been doing it ever since its creation."

"You're a _genius!"_ I shouted, taking her hand and shaking it up and down rather vigorously. "Merlin, you're brilliant!"

"Thank you, but my name isn't Merlin. It's Luna." She smiled serenely.

I blinked.

"Anyway, it was only an _idea,"_ Luna warned. "I'm not _advising _you to go through with it, because you see, this girl might not--"

"Oh nonsense," I said cheerfully.

"No, really, you should think twice about--"

"I'm going to do it!" I insisted.

Luna raised her eyebrows. "But this is all hypothetical, isn't it?"

"Oh. Right. Yes, it's all hypothetical." To my surprise, I was finding that this girl didn't miss a thing.

"I think we've accomplished much today," Luna said with satisfaction, taking off her glasses. "A short session, yes, but we've broken the barrier and gotten you to confide in me. We'll end for today, right after..." She pulled something out from behind her. "..._this."_

Again, she struck me speechless. I watched, jaw hanging, as she placed this _ginormous_ hat shaped like a lion's head on top of her head.

"Watch this," she said cheerfully, and suddenly there was this enormous ROAR that shook the room.

"BLOODY HELL!" I shouted, scared out of my wits. The bottle of butterbeer fell from my hands. "That just about popped my bloody eardrums!"

"Yes, it _is _a bit loud..." Luna said thoughtfully. "You're the first person to see this, actually; I'm still working on the volume adjustment... But anyway," she said, turning to me happily, "this guy will help you release your emotions."

"My emotions," I repeated blankly.

"Yes. All that pent-up anger, the confusion, the worries? You're going to purge yourself of them. It's called catharsis," she explained when I continued giving her my blankest of blank stares.

"And how do you propose we do that?"

"Roar with me."

_"Excuse me?"_

"Roar with me," she repeated. Her hand reached toward the lion again, and then suddenly there was that huge ROAR again, and this time, Luna was roaring with it.

"C'mon, Oliver!" she shouted over the noise. "Roar with me and _release your inner soul!"_

_Oh my God, **what **possessed me to come here? _

"No way in hell am I doing that!"

"What? I can't hear you!" Luna yelled cheerfully. Then she continued roaring with her hat.

"I'M NOT GOING TO BLOODY _ROAR_ AND THAT'S FINAL, LUNA LOVEGOOD!" I screamed over the noise.

Suddenly it was silent. So silent it was kind of scary.

"Oh, well you could have said that in the first place," Luna said calmly, removing her now-silent hat. "It seems you're not prepared to undergo catharsis with me yet. Perhaps some other time."

"Yes, some other time," I said hastily, getting to my feet. "Thanks for your help, Luna. See you around."

"Next week!" she called blithely as I reached the door.

"What?"

"I'll be seeing you next week. Same time, same place."

"Er... all right," I said, though I groaned inwardly. I would have to go through this again?

"Oh, and would you please tell the next person in line to come in?" Luna asked politely.

"Uh, sure." I said. Didn't she tell me before that she had no other clients? Feeling confused, I exited the room quickly and looked around for a line of people outside.

No one else was in the hallway.

xxx

"_Why _are we having this meeting? We had one a couple _weeks _ago and we're only supposed to have this stupid Captains' meeting once every _month."_

For once, I agreed with Flint. I mean, I was _trying _to start plotting my latest schemes (with a new twist, thanks to Luna), when Cedric practically dragged me by the ear to an uncalled-for meeting. I mean, what the flip?

Cedric snorted impatiently. "Because we're breaking rules already," he said sternly, glaring at us three. "I don't mean to point fingers, but there's a general consensus now that Marcus here started it by putting up those posters--"

"Are you accusing _me _of that misdemeanor, Diggory?" Flint roared, his manly pride ruffled. I smirked, especially because I could hardly believe Flint was intelligent enough to use the word _misdemeanor._

"I _said_ I wasn't trying to point fingers," Cedric snapped. "What I _am_ saying is that you did it, and then Oliver retaliated with that Howler."

"Are you accusing _me_ of that misdemeanor, Diggory?" I said hotly, and this time _Flint_ smirked. Except Roger chose that moment to laugh and say, "Nice one, Wood, using Flint's words exactly!" and I laughed too, pretending that was my intention all along.

"And _then_," Cedric went on, ignoring us, "Flint put that hex on Oliver durnig the match -- which is completely _illegal_, mind you, not just in our bet but in school in general -- and was landed with detention. I'm only surprised Oliver hasn't tried to get revenge again."

"I thought three weeks of detention scrubbing Moaning Myrtle's toilet was enough for him," I said smugly, as if I was above petty acts of revenge, when really it was because I was so preoccupied with thoughts of Katie. Flint glowered at me.

"Anyway," Cedric said, "we are _not _allowed to engage in such "misdemeanors," as you so eloquently put it, that jeopardize others' chances of winning. Didn't we strictly agree on that?"

"Yeah," Roger said, snapping his gum. He looked bored as hell, as if to say _Hey don't look at **me**, I didn't break any rules._

"But have we abided by our rules?"

"No," Roger drawled, now looking down at his fingernails with casual disinterest.

"Who uses the word 'abide' in conversation?" Flint snorted.

"At least I don't use _misdemeanor_," Cedric shot back. Ooh, Ceddy Teddy, good one. "Anyway, as I was saying, I called for this meeting because I think we should renew our pact. For _real_ this time." He looked at each and every one of us with a no-nonsense attitude that you don't usually associate with Hufflepuffs, so that even Roger paid attention. "Do you swear not to jeopardize any other man's chances of winning the contest, or to cheat, lie, or commit any other _misdemeanors_, so help you God?"

"This is like a bloody court case," Roger muttered.

_"Do you?"_ Ceddy repeated.

"Yes," I said quickly, so as to shut him up as soon as possible.

"Me too," Roger seconded.

"Flint?"

There was a pause. "You're no fun," Flint said at last, disgruntled, "but I'll agree to it."

"I don't trust him," I said suspiciously. "You can never trust a Slytherin not to stab a knife in your back when you're not looking."

Flint snapped his head in my direction so fast we heard the bones cracking, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw Roger wincing. _"Care to repeat that?"_ he snarled.

"Slytherins can't be trusted," I repeated, narrowing my eyes. He growled. "And they're so stupid they make animal noises. Like the one you just made."

"Is that so?" he roared. "Well, well...your _mum_ is stupider!"

I laughed at his measly attempt at a comeback. "Nice try, Flint. But it's not working." Then my voice hardened. "And do _not _bring my mother into this conversation."

"Your mum's so stupid she threw a rock at the ground and missed," Flint said, sneering.

"Your mum's so stupid she actually goes around throwing rocks as a hobby," I retorted.

"_Your _mum's so stupid she fell out of a tree raking leaves!"

"_Your _mum's so stupid she stole a free sample!"

"_Your _mum's so stupid, when I look into her eyes I see the back of her head!"

"_Your _mum's so stupid she thinks you're smart!" Ooh that one made him mad.

"_Anyway..._" Ceddy said, drawing out the word so it sounded like _'ennnnywaaay.'_ "Before I was _so _rudely interrupted...I was saying, do we have an accord?"

"Aye," said Roger, jumping up with relief. "Sorry gents, but I have a snog appointment in the Astronomy Tower at seven thirty that I _must_ get to, so if you'll just excuse me..."

So we ended the meeting, because of course, everyone must adjust their schedules to fit around the love life of Roger Davies.

xxx

_Plan 2: Learn from the enemy._

xxx

As you can see from above, I'm on to step two of my wooing process. But of course, a spy _must_ be properly attired like one!

I immediately took my favorite Puddlemere United cap off my head and tossed it in the corner. A spy must not look so casual, after all. Then I stood before my closet, wondering what to wear. I pulled out a long-sleeved black sweatshirt. Heck, a black top requires a black bottom, so I pulled out black pants. Then black socks. Black shoes. Black boxers? No, not _quite _necessary.

I put on the whole outfit, and though I was sweating like crazy in my thick sweater, I looked at my reflection, pleased. Hmm, something wasn't right. I pulled out my sunglasses and put them on.

Ah. That did the trick. I was decked out in full spy gear, and looked _very _sophisticated. Cool. Collected. _Chic. _I smiled at my reflection, but then wiped it off immediately because spies must_ never_ reveal emotion.

I, Oliver Wood, renowned secret agent, professional spy, and ardent suitor, am on a mission. Watch out world, here I come.

* * *

A/N: This chapter made me giggle as I was writing it. Teehee.

**GredAndForge4President **mentioned something that I should explain. I've implied that Oliver has quite a few flings, even as he is trying to win Katie, but do not fret - those side relationships _will_ end once and for all when (or _if?_ muhahahaha) he is finally with Katie. Oh, and **sweetblonde13 **brought up a good question before -- WHO THE BLOODY HELL IS ELIZABETH? Well, dear readers, I _may_ decide to elaborate on that later on, but for the most part, it is up to _your _imaginations to decide what happened!

I haven't listed you all in a long time, so it's time I did it now, yes? A big thank-you to:  
**ebonyquill, MahoganyEmbers, CarbonMonoxide, Patented Daydream, zodiun, Merry Faerie, GallonofFirewhiskey, GredAndForgeForPresident, dragoneyes5000, SpazZzZzAttack, sweetblonde13, Anonymous, FirstDaysofSummer **(no, I didn't sell my soul to the devil but thanks for asking! lol but really, thanks for the compliment)**, HopelessxRomantic x3, Nathifa Femi, Star of the North, distorted prep queen, Procrastinator-starting2morrow, birds of morrigan, gracie lou freebush, ink-blot88, sharp-tounged, WoodCrazy, luvthefluf, Giddyupgal, BeautifulMisconception, Black Flaming Heart, Dragontune172, Amadea, Fallen-Angel189, Tea/Anzufan, sh0rty,wandless, Mandy, TooSweet4Words, **and **aznchic2009.**


	10. Oliver Goes Nuts

I'm back again! Although, unfortunately, I am rather disappointed with the review turnout for the last chapter. -pouts- But don't mind me, I'm just another selfish fanfiction review whore. ;)

Disclaimer: The name "Beauty and the Geek" belongs to the show also called "Beauty and the Geek." Funny, ain't it? Not.

Now, on to the next chapter, featuring Oliver in the role of Desperate Stalker!

**Chapter 10**

It's not easy stalking someone. I mean – ahem – _tracking _someone. I blame it all on the fact that I am forced to stalk – er, _track _– not the girl that I am madly in like with, but the _boyfriend _of the girl I am madly in like with. How messed up is that?

Anyway, The Search For Zacharias began (yes, it deserves to be capitalized – The Search For Zacharias) with me heading downstairs from the boys' dormitory, and having everyone in the common room stare at me. I heard a couple whispers and quite a few appreciative comments ("Oh, I just _adore _a man in black!") and I was just about to wink at the girls who'd spoken when I heard two identical snorts of laughter.

"You look like you're going to your grandmother's funeral!" the Weasley twins whooped.

"I'll have you know that _both_ my grandmothers are still alive and well, thank you," I said coldly, and left the room.

Now, where to start? I pondered as I stood in the hallway. Well, dinner was over and it was a Friday night – with the absence of the usual threat of classes the next morning – so it was very likely that Zacharias the Geekwith a capitalG was hanging somewhere inside school with dear Katherine the Beautiful with a capital B. Now the question was, _where?_

Perhaps I should have planned this more thoroughly first.

xxx

_List of Places Zacharias the Geek with a capital G Could Be (from best to worst):_

5) Library. On a Friday night, not likely. However, most ideal place to locate (and study) a person easily.  
4) Kitchen. Not hard to get to. Provides chance to grab small snack even if "Z the G" isn't there.  
3) Room of Requirement. Requires some waiting behind a suit of armor, etc, until "Z the G" exits. Only problem: how to know if he's in there in the first place.  
2) Hufflepuff Common Room. Password-protected, thus extremely difficult to penetrate into.  
1) Astronomy Tower. Number one snog session location for couples of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry; popular choice because of illusion of romance and mystery in a tower facing the moon and stars; notorious for being a place of passionate embraces, often leading to reckless actions despite the hard stone floor; often a location where babies are began.

xxx

I was just kidding about the babies. But the rest was all true, which is why I was hastily making my way up all 152 steps of the Astronomy Tower, thoughts of murder in my head as I thought of the scumbag's lips on Katie's...

Panting, I finally made it to the top and pushed the door open. My eyes scanned the tower, but I couldn't really tell who was who or who was where because it was so dark. I approached the nearest couple.

_"Lumos." _(It was a rather rude way of doing it, I know, but oh well.)

"Merlin's tits!" a deep voice exclaimed, and I heard a girlish squeal of protest from his companion.

"Hello Roger," I said dryly, looking at my friend/Quidditch rival and the cute little brunette in his arms. "Enjoying the night?"

"_What _are you doing?" he asked in confusion, but I only replied, "Merlin didn't have tits," and left.

I checked a few other couples, and after quite a few "Hey!"s and "What's the big idea?"s and "Bloody hell, mate!"s, I reached the last couple. I heard a sound rather like a plunger being sucked out of a toilet as someone pulled away from her tonsil hockey partner and faced me.

"Oliver!" an irritating high-pitched voice squealed. "What are you doing here?"

"Uh, just looking for someone," I said awkwardly. "You can go back to your business, Taylor."

She bit her lip, her indecisive eyes traversing from me to the dark-haired boy she was with, then back to me, as if she had to make a very important decision indeed.

"I'm leaving," I said hastily, making the decision for her. I wasn't too pleased with the death glare I received from her little boy toy. I left the Tower, feeling relieved to see Katie and Zacharias weren't making babies up there. Another reason for my relief came from escaping that hot sensual tension up there. I mean, if you're with someone, that hot sensual tension is perfectly fine. But if you're _alone _in the midst of hot sensual tension, you really feel out of place. And kind of intimidated. In the midst of that hot sensual tension. Which gets...hotly...sensually...tense?

Couples suck.

xxx

Oliver Wood

Mood: Undecided  
Success at "Tracking": None. Nil. Nada. Zilch. (Get the picture?)  
Next action: Give up and try again tomorrow.

xxx

_The next day..._

Ahh, a fresh new day. Anything is possible on a Saturday morning.

I breathed in the crisp autumn air. It would be winter soon. It would soon be time for hot chocolate. Warm mittens. Frosty breath. Snow fights. Ice skating on the lake. Frostbitten arses after Quidditch practices.

But I digress. I strolled the lake that morning, feeling in a particularly good mood because they had raisin scones in the Great Hall this morning.

Yes, I am easily pleased.

Anyway, as I was saying, I was strolling when suddenly I caught glimpse of Beauty and the Geek exiting the school. Hmmm...well, _I _am privileged to know that Katie's favorite spot to read and relax during the weekends is under a big maple tree on the far side of the lake. A lot of the leaves hadn't fallen off yet, and would serve as good cover. Hmmm...

Acting upon my hunch (and since I already _was _at the far side of the lake), I stared at her tree. I had to go _up _this thing?

_Think like a squirrel, mate! _my inner self told me. **_Be_ **_a squirrel. You **are **a squirrel. You ARE a squirrel!_

What was almost as creepy as my soul telling me I was a squirrel was that it also called me mate, as if I were an old chum. In a sense, perhaps I am. But I digress.

I grabbed the closest branch and hauled myself up. I almost slipped, and let out a tiny squirrel-like squeak and wriggled my nose. Then I had to slap myself because I was a little _too _deep in my twisted squirrel mentality. Finally, I crawled up on a sturdy branch and shifted around a bit until I was comfortable. And then I waited.

Sure enough, Beauty and the Geek approached shortly after, and settled comfortably under my tree.

Huh. _My _tree. I am one heck of a possessive squirrel.

I craned forward to hear better, but I could only hear Katie's soft murmur. That is, until Zacharias said angrily, "Tell them to piss off! It's that simple!"

"I _tried_," Katie argued, her voice getting louder. "But they don't see you the way I do."

"I don't need them to."

"_I _need them to."

"So they won't throw pickles at me?"

"Zach, the Pickle Incident happened only once." (She really did say it like 'Pickle Incident,' as if it were capitalized.) "Fred and George were upset when they heard we fought. But I made them regret it later, didn't I?"

"Your step-brother hates me too, for some reason."

"Roger would disapprove of _anyone_ I went out with; he's just the kind of person. Plus, you're on the Hufflepuff Quidditch team. He may consider you a rival."

"I suppose. I still don't like your crowd, though. Haha, did you see that Stinging Hex I sent George earlier today?"

"He got you back with a Jelly-Legs Jinx...Oh please, let's not argue. Please?" She leaned against the tree, hugging her knees to her chest.

"I know some of my friends don't like us being together," she went on, quietly. "But we shouldn't let that get in our way. We used to be so...so _fond_ of each other, didn't we? Before we let others' opinions get to our heads?" Katie rested her chin upon her knees, her hair spilling across her shoulders, and as corny as it seems I felt like reaching out to her.

Now, the best thing to say right then would be, "We _are _still fond of each other. No, _fond _isn't the right word. I love you, Katie, and I always will."

But no. Zacharias stubbornly replied, "I _don't _let others' opinions get to my head."

Katie sighed. "Is there anything _left _in this relationship?" I felt a surge of hope at these words.

But then the git leaned closer and kissed her, which is what _I _would've done _long _ago. This bloke should be learning from _me, _not the other way around!

Apparently he did something right for once. Katie's arms reached around his neck, and she leaned into him.

"I love you, Katie," the git said. "Against all odds."

Katie smiled happily, returning his sickeningly sentimental words (funnily enough, if _I _had said those exact same words, it would have been heart-stoppingly romantic). They kissed again, which led to him stroking her back and her fingers entwining in his hair.

Meanwhile, Squirrel Boy up in the tree was feeling the uncomfortable tingle of hot sensual tension below. Indeed, Squirrel Boy wanted nothing more thanto scamper away from there. After giving a severe beating to the git, of course.

But instead, Squirrel Boy was left helpless to stay frozen on the branch, tail twitching in frustration as the girl he was totally in like with was snogging with her boyfriend.

Wait. I have no tail. I mean really, this squirrel thing is starting to get out of hand–

HEY! WHERE is that git's hand sneaking up to? Two squirrel eyes were transfixed on that hand snaking its way up...up..._No one puts a hand on my girl!_

Squirrels get easily excited. For this, I'll always blame them when I remember how I tumbled out of the tree, how Katie screamed and Zacharias swore, how I could only see stars and twittering birds floating above my head... How Zacharias eyed me suspiciously, how I made up a pathetic excuse for my presence in the tree, how confused Katie looked as I hurried out of there...

All in the day's work of your average squirrel.


	11. One Too Many Butterbeers

Long time no see, everyone! How many weeks has it been? Ugh I don't even want to count for fear of hitting myself. Anyway, this unfortunately may be the last update you'll be seeing in a very long while. These next few months coming up are going to be hell for me; I have last-minute cramming to do this month and next, and uber-important exams in early May. If I can manage, I'll try to write a part of a chapter here and there and try to update again eventually, but I can't guarantee anything.

Thanks to you all for being so patient! -blows kisses- I think you will all find this chapter interesting; it takes a more serious tone at the end and Oliver isn't quite as insane as he was in the last chapter. ;)

**Chapter 11**

_Dear Diary,_

_What an awful dream! I woke up with a jolt because of it, and since falling asleep again is now impossible, I am up writing in this diary at precisely 2:32 am. _

_In my dream, I was at the maple again, except I was in the tree, and Oliver and Zach were on the ground leaning against the base. They didn't see me, and I squeaked but they didn't hear me because they couldn't understand squirrel. Professor McGonagall suddenly Apparated (yes, yes, I know you can't Apparate on Hogwarts grounds but this was a dream for heaven's sake!) and looked straight at me and said, "You can't be faithful to two, you know!" and then she dove into the lake to have tea with the giant squid. Then Oliver looked up at me and said, "Why hello, little fellow, and he took me down and stroked my tail when Zach jumped up, and shouted "Don't touch her, she'll bite!" Then my boyfriend swung me around by my tail and he threw me towards the Forbidden Forest and my last thought as I was flying through the air was that Oliver had very lovely eyes. _

_Needless to say, I think I am in desperate need of therapy._

_But in any case, the dream had somewhat of a resemblance to what happened earlier today, an event that puzzled me. Oliver said he was waiting up in the tree so he could jump out and scare me, but realized it would be so rude to interrupt "the tender moment," as he called it, between Zach and me. Thus he had just decided to wait until we left when he lost his balance and fell out of the tree. He looked so embarrassed as he told us this, but there was that amused little smile in his eyes - a sign that he was laughing at himself, and suddenly I found myself feeling so guilty. Because for a moment, a tiny moment, I felt attracted to him, even as Zach was standing by my side. And I wanted to beat myself for it. _

_Do you think there was any truth behind McGonagall's words in my dream? I shudder to think of it and what it might mean. _

xxx

_One week later..._

Ahh, Halloween. The time of sugar-coated sweets, pranks and jinxes in the halls, a whole lot of appearances made by the mischievous Peeves...

And also a time of whining and complaining from the team.

_"First _we have to practice the afternoon before Halloween night," grumbled Angelina. _"Second_, we're forbidden to eat any sweets because you say they will make us have 'fat and bloated physiques, utterly unfit for Quidditch players.' _Third, _we have practice tomorrow morning! I'm not a happy camper right now, Wood." She was using that I'm-going-to-kill-you-if-you-don't-get-out-of-my-sight-soon voice.

"My most sincere apologies, miss," I said calmly as I put the brooms away.

"No, you're not sorry at all," she seethed.

"Don't fret, dearest!" Fred said jovially, putting an arm as casually as possible around Angelina. "I've got something to fix this young whippersnapper up in a jiffy."

"You mean like a heavy sleeping draught that will keep him sleeping til the cows come home?" Angelina said brightly. "And nice try, by the way," she added, shrugging Fred's arm off her shoulder.

"There are cows here in Hogwarts? I must have been sleeping during that lesson," Alicia mumbled to herself. No one dared to answer her for fear of laughing in her face.

"I'll be watching everything I drink, Fred," I said. "Can't be too careful around you."

"Lucky we've got our little agent to help us out, eh, Twinkletoes?" George said, smiling at Katie.

"Huh?" She snapped out of her trance-like reverie. "Oh. Sorry. I was busy planning my costume for tonight."

"You finally chose one, then," Angelina spoke up. "It's about time! It's been torture watching you think of the perfect costume."

"Oh it's perfect, believe me," Katie said with a secretive smile. "You'll never know it's me."

"Should we be scared?" I asked in a mock serious voice.

"Oh, very," she replied mysteriously, and left before I could question her further.

xxx

I'm known for being the ultimate Quidditch fanatic, and I'm not really known for being too creative. Put two and two together, and you can easily figure out what I dressed up as for the Gryffindor Halloween party.

"Puddlemere United player, eh?" Percy said as he watched me adding final touches to my costume. "Typical, typical."

"I could say the same for you," I retorted, looking at his Minister of Magic dress-up with disgust. What an obnoxious, pretentious git! Feeling like I couldn't even breathe the air around him anymore, I exited the room and was soon heading downstairs to the common room.

It looked fantastic. It was apparent that the Weasley twins had had a hand in decorating; there were very realistic bats flapping about (and occasionally getting caught in the hair of some screaming girl), huge paper Jack-o-lanterns floating around of their accord, and butterbeer and all sorts of sweets and snacks (courtesy of the twins' mysterious ways of sneaking into Hogsmeade) in bowls placed around the room.

"Hello, Wood." Alicia sidled up to me. "Care for a butterbeer?"

"Thanks," I said, twisting the cap of the bottle and taking a swig. I then looked at Alicia and winked at her. "I'm loving the costume. Having any trouble with hairballs lately?"

She smiled, exposing the fake pointy teeth she'd put in her mouth to enhance her cat costume. "No, not yet, fortunately." She turned her head suddenly, as if seeing something pleasantly surprising. "Cedric is here! Mee-_yow_ he looks gorgeous!"

I frowned. "I thought this was exclusively for Gryffindors."

"Anyone with an invitation can enter tonight, silly," Alicia said, her eyes still fixed on Diggory. "The password's been temporarily removed."

"Oh, I see...Don't they want to be at their own House parties?"

"I'm sure they'll be going back; a lot of them are just dropping by...partly to check out other House's living quarters when they have the chance, you know? And besides,Gryffindor is known for having such great parties..."

"Mmhmm," I said with pursed lips, thinking that if _anyone_ who was invited could come in, that liberty would most certainly be extended as well to...

Speak of the devil. There was Zacharias Smith, decked out in full pirate gear, just as I was thinking about him. He looked uncomfortably out of place, and kept looking around for, presumably, Katie. Who was nowhere in sight, by the way. When Angelina finally joined us in her fantastic vampire queen costume, she informed us that Katie "still wasn't ready."

I mingled through the crowd, chatting with various people and drinking butterbeer after butterbeer when suddenly there was a loud BANG at the door. Screams and chaos soon followed, and through the smoke pouring in through the door I could barely make out the shapes of a bunch of Slytherins laughing at the mass hysteria.

"The bloody gits are crashing our party!" Angelina shouted angrily. Fred threw a handful of peanuts at the intruders but obvoiusly it did nothing.

The Slytherins were pushing their way into the room, knocking over a chair here, a table there, and laughing maniacally. They hadn't even bothered to cover their faces; I could clearly make out the faces of Flint, Malfoy, Goyle, Crabbe, and several Quidditch team members.

"Stop that!" Hermione screamed, yanking Malfoy's arm as he knocked over a lamp purposely.

Malfoy sneered at her. "Ohhh the ickle Mudblood wants bad, bad Malfoy to stop!" he said in a fake, high voice. "What will she do now?"

"That is enough," came a deep, quiet voice from behind us. We all whirled around and saw none other than Dumbledore himself. How the bloody hell had he gotten inside without being noticed?

"Professor...Professor, we didn't mean..." Malfoy whimpered.

"I'm thinking your House members will be happy to see you at your own House party?" Dumbledore said.

"Yes, of course, Professor!" they squeaked, and fled. Dumbledore pulled something out of his pocket and looked at it thoughtfully; it looked curiously like a dungbomb...was it? Suddenly, he hurled it with all his might at the fleeing Slytherins, pulling out one after another and throwing them with remarkable accuracy. He shut the door quickly before we could smell the disastrous result. We soon heard the agonized shouts of the Slytherins outside.

The room was silent. We were all staring at the headmaster, stunned after seeing him throwing dungbombs at students. He looked at us over his half-moon glasses and smiled.

"What a way to start the party, eh?" he chuckled.

"KATIE!" Suddenly there was a little cry, choked back with hysterical laughter, and we all stared in complete shocked silence as Leanne flung herself into Dumbledore's arms. "You're so brilliant, you're so bloody _brilliant. _So _this _is the costume you finally chose, you clever, _clever _girl, how did you ever manage...?"

'Dumbledore' turned to me and winked. "Told you you'd never know it was me, didn't I?" 'he' laughed. I merely stared, my jaw hanging open stupidly.

Suddenly there was a huge uproar, as everyone in the room began laughing uproarously and congratulating my lovely Chaser: laughing about what she did to the Slytherins, clapping her on the back, shaking her hand, admiring her fake beard, and wondering how she pulled it off so well. Fred and George climbed onto a nearby table and raised their butterbeer bottles.

"A toast to the marvelously clever Katie Bell!" George shouted.

"To Katie!" the crowd cheered, raising their bottles. Dumbledore -- er, _Katie _-- grinned, and I saw her beginining to blush. Suddenly, she brightened, and I watched in dismay as she caught sight of her boyfriend.

"Zach, what do you think of my costume?" She took his hands in hers and laughed.

"It's a bit...disturbing...I hope you don't expect me to kiss you tonight; I couldn't possibly kiss a Dumbledore look-alike, it would be so weird..." Everyone laughed at his joke, and Katie laughed as well...Yet was I the only one who noticed that her laugh wasn't as bright as usual?

xxx

_Later that night..._

Hours later, the noise of the room had dwindled down, and so had the light in the room -- only candles and the fireplace were keeping the room lit. A lot of people had gone upstairs by now, leaving a quiet lull in the common room.

"Hello, Wood."

"Hello Professor," I joked as Katie joined me by the windowsill.

"That line is getting old already," she said wryly.

"Old? Like you, Professor?"

"Oh piss off, you!" she laughed, punching me in the arm.

"It really is great, though," I said admiringly, fingering the silver beard attached to her chin. "How'd you do it?"

"I had a bit of help from the twins; they were the only ones who knew about it...They helped me with a charm to make my mask fit perfectly; it's like Dumbledore's face is molded perfectly into mine, isn't it?"

"Yeah... The only thing that could've given it away was your height. I should've known from the beginning that Dumbledore couldn't have shrunk a few inches."

"He's a very tall man," she laughed. "I stuffed paper towels under my heels for extra height and I'm still not tall enough."

"Where is dear Zacharias?" I asked suddenly.

She stiffened. "He left. Very early, too."

"Pity."

"He didn't seem to like the costume," she said quietly. "He was the only one who didn't... He was the one I had in mind most as I was planning it out...thought it would get a laugh out of him...silly me."

"You're not silly at all. It was very clever; if anyone didn't get a laugh out of it, he has no sense of humor."

There was a pause. Then Katie suddenly said, "I'd almost forgotten about my mask because it fit so well I didn't even feel it anymore... I tried to kiss him, he pulled away...he seemed almost..._embarrassed_ to be with me..." She laughed, but it sounded forced. "Stupid of me to be hurt by that, I know; I don't blame him for not wanting to kissing me when I look like Dumbledore! But..."

I took her hand. It was soft and smooth -- it was _her _hand, not Dumbledore's; only her face had the wrinkles associated with the headmaster. "Perhaps he doesn't deserve you," I said softly. Not out of jealousy, not out of desire to break them up, not out of wanting her for myself. But because I genuinely thought so.

I expected her to blow up at me. Instead, she squeezed my hand. "Perhaps neither of us deserves the other," she said quietly, looking out at the night sky. "But I still hold on anyhow. And he does, too." She finally looked up at me, and her eyes were moist. "I'm not one of those silly girls blinded by love that you read about in those cheesy novels," she said fiercely. "I'm not. It's not a love/hate relationship, either. He doesn't mistreat me, or I him. I know we don't fit together perfectly, but there's that level of understanding between us and as long as that lasts, I'm going to stay with him."

It almost struck me as sadly funny that here I was, sitting in the windowsill at one o'clock in the morning with an exact replica (though a somewhat shorter version) of Albus Dumbledore, talking about...this.

Suddenly, she laughed. "What am I saying?" she said with an amused smile. "It's the overdose of butterbeer that's talking, not me. Don't mind me, Oliver, forget everything I said. I'm happy, cheerful, satisfied-with-everything-in-life Katie Bell, okay?"

"Okay," I said, even as I was wiping away the tear that had managed to slip out of her eye. She drew back, startled, but made an attempt to smile again.

"You're a sweet guy, Oliver," Katie said. "Really." She leaned forward and kissed my cheek. "Good night," she said, squeezing my hand before letting go.

I tried to find something -- _anything_ -- to say as she walked away but the only thing that came to me was, "Thanks for the kiss, Professor, I'll cherish it forever." Her laughter drifted down from the stairs, and it warmed my heart to hear it.

"What did you say that was so funny?" Alicia smiled as she walked over to me. "She seemed a little down a while ago but I think you've cured her."

"It all has to do with my natural charms, I suppose," I said solemnly.

"You prat!" she laughed. "For your obnoxiousness, I'm going to have to punish you."

"In what way?"

"I'm going to do something that'll drive you mad!"

"Mad with what?" I said, going along with her teasing. "Mad with insanity? Mad with happiness? Mad with lust?"

"Mad with _mad_ness!" Alicia said triumphantly, popping a sweet into her mouth. "It's my twenty-first one tonight. Go on, strangle me."

"Even when I told you not to have sweets?" I pretended to be furious. "Has my entire team betrayed me?"

"Just about," she grinned. "Mmmm..." She rolled the candy around in her mouth. "Yummy."

"You little..." I grabbed her and tried to pry her mouth open. She squealed and the candy fell out of her mouth.

"You git!" she shrieked, laughing. "You lost me my candy!"

"You'll lose more than just your candy!" I growled, tickling her mercilessly. "Like your life, for example; how would you like to lose that?"

She laughed, pushing me away. "Or my virginity? Get off, you bloody rapist."

"What a ladylike thing to say."

"Isn't it?"

Suddenly, her hands were holding my face and her lips were on mine. I was too stunned to respond -- to push her away, to kiss her back, anything -- but it was over soon enough; she pulled away quickly from a rather short kiss. Her eyes were wide, as if she too were shocked by what she'd done.

"I didn't mean it about my virginity," she whispered. "It was a joke."

"I know."

"I don't want you thinking I'm coming on to you, or... I'm not a slut, Oliver."

"I know."

"It was a spur-of-the-moment thing; I don't know what possessed me..."

"The butterbeer demon, perhaps?"

We laughed, albeit awkwardly, although it helped to break the awful tension. "Most likely. I had at least one too many."

"Mmhmm. I feel like I'm going to conk out soon."

"We should call it a night, since you've got your heart so set on having practice tomorrow morning."

"_Today _morning, dearest Alicia; it's past midnight."

"Oh Merlin..."

"Perhaps I'll cancel practice."

"And perhaps I'll kiss your feet if you do," she laughed. "Well, good night."

"'Night." I was on the first step of the stairs to the boys' dormitory when she spoke again.

"You were thinking of someone else, weren't you?" she said softly. "That's why you didn't kiss me back; you were thinking of someone else."


	12. Headmaster Katie

I'M BAAAAAAAAAACK!

That's right. I'm back. About time, huh?

I find that when authors don't update their stories very often (cough cough, -looks away innocently-) it's easy to forget what happened & it's a big pain in the arse to go back and read parts over. That's why I'm giving you a short recap to remind you about what happened in the last chapter. So... Katie has a weird dream and wakes up extremely confused, then a week goes by, Angelina rants at Oliver, and everyone prepares for the Halloween party in Gryffindor Tower, where a bunch of Slytherins arrive to crash a party and then Dumbledore who is actually Katie shows up to throw dungbombs at them and everyone thinks Katie's costume is brilliant except for her boyfriend who leaves early and refuses to kiss her while she looks like the Headmaster then Katie and Oliver exchange a few sweet words before Katie goes off to bed after which Alicia kiss Oliver who doesn't kiss her back.

_Whew!_

* * *

**Chapter 12**

_Dear Diary,_

_I am going to KILL Fred and George Weasley._

* * *

"'Morning," I mumbled as I sat across the twins, who were scarfing down their scrambled eggs like they'd never had eggs before. 

"What came first?" George said, a piece of egg slipping out of the corner of his mouth. I winced. "The chicken or the egg?"

"The chicken," Fred said matter-of-factly. "Where would the egg have come from?"

"But where would the chicken have come from without an egg?"

"Well the chicken evolved from the dinosaurs and laid the egg."

"You know, everyone has the right to be stupid sometimes," I said, "but you two abuse the privilege."

"Well you know what? You-"

"Katie wants to kill you two. In the most brutal way possible." We looked up at Angelina, who'd just come to join us.

"Us?" the twins said together, pointing at themselves.

"Yes. That's all she told me to tell you. As for her, she's refusing to come out from behind her bedcurtains."

I narrowed my eyes accusingly at the twins. "What did you do to her?"

"Don't look at us like that, mate," Fred said breezily. "You always use us as scapegoats."

"Then what was that look you just gave each other about?"

"Look? What look?"

* * *

_Dear Diary,_

_Merlin help me. Someone's knocking on the door. What do I do?... ohmigosh the knocking is getting louder... Do they really have to pound like that? Bloody hell!_

_"Katherine Bell, open the door at once!"_

_Dear Lord. It's McGonagall._

_"You've missed all of this morning's classes and you need a good reason. Do not tell me you were feeling ill because I've already been told by Madam Pomfrey that you haven't been in the hospital wing."_

_I can't say anything. Oh gosh, I dare not. My voice would give it away... So instead, I managed to let out a grunt of some sorts._

_"Excuse me? Katie, you really need to speak up."_

_Grunt._

_"Are you incapable of speech, child?" McGonagall snapped. "Open the door at once if you refuse to speak."_

_Open the door. **Open the door? **Dear woman, if I open the door, you'll have a seizure._

_"Open the door, Katie. I won't say it again."_

_Are you there, God? It's me, Katie._

_"I'm giving you until three. One..."_

_I jumped out of bed, my heart pounding._

_"Two..."_

_I made my way slowly to the door, terrified._

_"Thr -"_

_I flung the door open before she could finish, waiting for the worst. Just as I'd expected, her mouth dropped open and hit the floor. Okay fine, not really. But it looked about to._

_"Oh...oh my," she whispered, putting a hand to her throat. _

_I felt the sudden urge to vomit._

_"Albus... Albus, what are you doing in the girls' dormitories!"

* * *

_

I paced back and forth on the grass, looking at my watch for the fourteenth time. "So tell me again what's wrong?"

"Oliver for the _umpteenth time_, we don't know." Angelina crossed her arms.

"Where has she been all day?"

"Leanne said she missed all of today's classes."

"What the bloody hell is wrong with her? Having boyfriend issues?"

"Don't be so insensitive," Angelina scolded.

"But how could she miss practice?"

Alicia smacked her forehead. "That's all he cares about. Katie's been M.I.A. all day and he's worried about missing one player in practice." She stepped up to me and grabbed me by the shoulders. "What's the matter with you, huh?" She shook me so hard I thought my eyeballs would pop out.

Oh, by the way - you'd think she'd refuse to make eye contact and avoid me after that whole kissing fiasco at the Halloween party, right? But with Alicia, not a chance. She acts like everything's just peachy between us. Which is fine with me, obviously.

"If she's not feeling well, why won't she go to Madam Pomfrey?"

"She's not sick. She just refuses to see anyone."

"This is ridiculous. What could possibly be wrong... oh, Professor Dumbledore!" We stared in confusion as the headmaster came storming towards us. "To...to what do we owe this surprise?" I said.

To my shock, the headmaster shot an icy glare at me. "Stop sucking up. It disgusts me." My jaw dropped, as did everyone else's. Especially Harry, who, as the whole school knew, had a close relationship with Dumbledore. (No, not in that way, you pervs out there.)

"I...I'm sorry, Professor."

"Shut your trap. I need to see you two." Dumbledore pointed a finger threateningly at the twins. "Hurry up!" he snapped coldly, "or I'll have Filch hang you by the thumbs like he always dreamed of doing."

The rest of us watched in silent shock as the twins, equally surprised, followed the strangely hostile Dumbledore into the school.

* * *

_Dear Diary,_

_I just want to cry at this point. I've been in the hospital wing for the remainder of the day, even though there is no point because I'm not sick at all. Rather, I'm the victim of a joke spell gone totally wrong._

_Remember how the Weasleys did something to my Dumbledore mask to make it mold perfectly into mine so it would seem real? Well they cast a spell on it to make it last longer than the party, so I'd wake up with Dumbledore's face still on mine. Ha ha real funny, great joke. Turns out the spell was stronger than they'd planned, because I STILL HAVE DUMBLEDORE'S FREAKIN FACE! _

_Just IMAGINE McGonagall's face when she saw 'Dumbledore' opening the door for her wearing very girly pajamas. Not to mention the horror she felt seeing him in the girls' dormitories. It took a long time to explain everything... and here I am now. _

_It was funny though, when I dragged the twins off the field during practice today. Everyone must be thinking Dumbledore's turned into a complete bitch. In any case, the twins proved to be useless; they couldn't figure out how to reverse the spell. _

_Perhaps I'll be laughing about this one day. But as for now, I just need to get this bloody beard off my face. _

* * *

A/N: It may seem Alicia got over the whole kissing thing rather quickly, but it'll come up again. If I remember to put it in a later chapter, that is...

Rather pointless chappie, but it's just a filler anyway. I'm having a bout of writer's block right now. Sorry folks. :)


	13. The Joke's Over

Hello, all! I tried to make this chapter interesting since you'll have to make do with it during my upcoming month-long absence. I'll be back in late July. Love you all! -blows kisses-

Disclaimer: The contents of the anonymous love notes that will follow in this chapter and following chapters aren't mine. Just to let you know. ;)

**Chapter 13**

_Dear Diary,_

_Bloody hell! The whole bloody world has turned against me! MADAM POMFREY IS MAKING ME GO TO CLASSES!_

* * *

"Order, order! Court is now in session!" 

"Shut your trap, Diggory, this is not bloody court case."

"I never asked for your opinion, Flint."

I pressed a hand to my forehead. These idiots were giving me a headache. "Can we get on with it, please?"

"Seriously." Roger checked his watch. "It's a quarter after seven and I promised to meet that cute blonde girl in front of the Great Hall...I supposed it'd make it a lot easier to find her if I knew her name..."

"You don't even know her _name?"_ Cedric shouted, falling back on the couch dramatically. "A woman must be treated with the utmost respect!"

"Guess you'd know best since you're practically a woman," Flint snorted.

_"Practically a woman?" _Cedric repeated incredulously. "Listen, you may be jealous that I get more girls than you do, but really-"

"SHUT UP!" I roared. There was silence. "Roger has to meet his girl, and I have a bloody headache! So can we get on with it?"

"Righto," Cedric said briskly in his best let's-get-down-to-business tone. "We are gathered here today-"

"You sound like you're doing a bloody wedding ceremony," Flint growled.

_"We are gathered here today," _Cedric repeated insistently, "to discuss our escapades up to this point. You first, Flint."

"Give me a moment," he said, looking uncomfortable.

"Okay." Cedric skipped on to Roger. "Any luck with the lovely Luna?"

Roger's happy-go-lucky smile melted off his face. "The... lovely... Luna? Um... well..."

"Didn't get very far, didja?" Cedric grinned.

"Well I could probably say the same about you and ol' prudish Hannah Abbot!" Roger snarled. "She pees in her panties whenever anything wearing trousers walks by!"

"As a matter of fact," Cedric said smugly, crossing his arms. "I've spoken to her. I tell her she looks beautiful. Every day."

"Lemme guess, and every day, she turns red as a tomato and goes running from the room crying about awkward she is and how she wishes she could be a smooth talker and a natural flirt around the high and almighty Cedric Diggory but she never will because it is highly unlikely and most probably impossible that she will grow out of her prepubescent pimply stage?" I drawled, boredly tossing a pillow up in the air and catching it.

Cedric turned red, and Roger laughed. "Looks like you've summed it up just right, mate!" Roger crowed, toasting me with an invisible goblet.

"All right, then _you _start talking," Cedric snapped, pointing his wand at me.

"After Flint," I replied. "Why is he taking so long, anyway?"

We three looked over at him. Taken by surprise, and looking utterly mortified, he hid something behind his back. But not before we all got a look-see at what it was.

"What're you doing with a dictionary, mate?" Roger peered behind Flint's back, and Flint pushed him away violently.

"Yeah, Flint, what were you doing?" I seconded, curious in spite of myself.

"Nothing," he grunted.

_"Accio dictionary!" _I said.

"HEY!"

Once the dictionary was in my hand, I muttered a spell to reveal what Flint had looked up. "Escapades?"

"I didn't understand it before when Cedric said it," Flint said, squirming uncomfortably. Meanwhile Roger looked like he was going to pass out from laughter.

"It's Wood's turn!" Flint butted in before Cedric got the chance to call him a stupid oaf.

"You stupid oaf," Cedric said. "It was _your _turn."

Flint growled. "_Nothing _happened, okay? I can't even look at Millicent's face."

"Bet she feels the same way about you," Roger chortled, earning a death glare from the Slytherin captain.

"So, Wood... what about you?"

I sighed. "I _was_ getting closer to Katie. I think."

"But now she looks like _Dumbledore!"_ Flint crowed, happy at last that the attention was focused away from him. "She has to go to classes looking like him, doesn't she? Hahahaha!"

"Don't you_ dare_ laugh at my kid sister, you stupid oaf!" Roger snarled, punching his right fist into his left hand threateningly.

"Madam Pomfrey is making her, since she's not technically 'sick,' I heard," said Cedric. "Meanwhile, Pomfrey's got Fred and George Weasley locked up in the hospital wing with loads of ingredients around them so they can find the spell to change her back."

"_Not _true," I said, picking lint off the couch out of lack of anything better to do. "It's only a matter of time until the spell wears off. There's no counter-spell."

"Looks like you'll have to wait it out then, eh mate?" Flint grinned. "Gives the rest of us a better chance!"

"Like you'll ever approach Millicent even with a five-foot pole," I retorted.

"What? Millicent dancing with a five-foot pole?" Roger said suddenly, snapping out of a momentary state of boredom. "That's utterly _revolting!"_

"Go and meet your anonymous girl, you worthless prat," I muttered, pushing him off the couch. "At least we can all expect her name isn't Luna Lovegood."

xxx

_Speaking of Luna Lovegood..._

Never say someone's name out loud. Especially if you don't want to be bumping into him/her anytime soon. Because really, it creates like... an aura of negative energy around you that will summon that person to you. It's not pretty.

"Hello, Oliver. You never came back," she said pleasantly.

"Er...sorry, Luna. I've been rather busy..."

"Good. All the more reason to work off your stress, hmm?" Luna beamed at me. "Tell you what... I'm going to make a special case for you and have a session _right now_. Off to the Room of Requirement!" After that jolly exclamation, she took me by the sleeve and pulled me through the hallway.

Oh bugger. Someone's going to have to kill me now. Preferably a short and painless death, if you please.

"All right, let's begin," she said once we were in the room. She adjusted the lens-free glasses on her nose and held her quill poised over her clipboard. "First issue?"

I groaned. Might as well tell her _something, _right? The more I say and the faster I say it, the more quickly I'll be out of here.

"Well...Quidditch hasn't been exactly working out," I began slowly. "Not when one of my teammates looks like the Headmaster and she absolutely refuses to practice while she looks like that. Or socialize _at all _for the matter, outside of classes."

_Scritch scratch_, went her quill as Luna scribbled furiously. "Now about this teammate of yours... You seem to be particularly concerned. Is there anything beyond just a normal friendship with her?"

Wait a minute... what is she hinting at? "Um... define _normal_."

"Well, _normal _would be talking in and out of practice, perhaps socializing during free times, sharing jokes-"

"HEY!" I shouted suddenly. "You know what I realized? Your advice last time was total bullshit - I learned _nothing _from observing my rival!" See? If I got her to admit she was wrong, maybe I could claim I couldn't trust her judgment and I didn't have to come to counseling anymore! Score!

Luna raised her eyebrows. "But I thought you said it was all hypothetical."

Ah. Clever, clever Luna. You never leave any loopholes for me, do you? "Well," I said aloud, "I... went ahead and did it. Hypothetically."

"And you're saying hypothetically it didn't work."

"That's right!"

"But I _did _warn you that perhaps it wasn't the best option..."

Darn. "Oh...well I guess you did."

"Have you ever considered what _she _wants? Hypothetically, of course. How do girls like to be treated?"

Was this a trick question? Hmmm...

"Well, _hypothetically,_ they go crazy about secret admirers and such... Stupid romantic little things like that."

"So what are you waiting for?" Luna laughed bizarrely. "Go ahead and try it! What do you have to lose?"

"My sanity?"

"Well, besides that."

xxx

_Plan 3: Leave anonymous love letters for the lovely lady in hopes that she will come to believe I am a dashing romantic who is worthy of her love. _

_Plan 3 1/2: Cross fingers, hoping the aformentioned lovely lady won't find out who I am and laugh outright in my face. _

xxx

* * *

_Dear Katie,_

_Show me a man who doesn't think you're beautiful and I'll show you a man who is legally blind._

_Signed,  
**Your Secret Admirer**_

* * *

_Dear Diary,_

_Ohmigosh! I have a secret admirer! I received a note in the owl post this morning. Who could the sender possibly be?_

_For the moment, I'm keeping this a secret from Zach. We wouldn't want him to get jealous now, would we? But this is so exciting! It only happens in Muggle movies and such. Angelina and Alicia were in a fit of giggles when they read it over my shoulder. They're a making a list of **all **the guys it could have been from...which means it's going to be a very long list because my secret admirer hasn't left **any **clues about himself. Clever Angelina even tried testing for fingerprints but she didn't find any. Not that it would've helped, actually, since we can't exactly go around school getting everyone's fingerprints to find a match. _

_I'm actually surprised anyone would send this at this time, especially because I still look like the Headmaster's identical twin. (Speaking of which, Dumbledore passed me in the hallway this morning and when he saw me he winked and said, "Good morning, Headmaster," after which I burst into tears because I had had just enough of the stupid Headmaster jokes especially from those bloody Slytherins; Dumbledore looked awfully sorry and invited me to his office for some Fizzing Whizbees _(A/N: That's right! My penname!) _and soda crackers with butterbeer and I got to miss all of my morning classes... But that's a different story.) _

_Actually, now that I'm thinking about it...could it possibly be from someone with a horrid sense of humor? __Someone who's actually trying to mock me? Especially by calling me "beautiful" when I look like Dumbledore! __No offense to Dumbledore, or anything._

_Must've been one of those nasty Slytherins. I'd bet half my Chocolate Frog card collection that it was Malfoy._

* * *

Oh, bollocks. What a mistake! This is the most stupid mistake I've made all year! 

I paced back and forth, alone in the common room late that night, muttering to myself. What an _idiot _I am! What if she starts looking forward to my notes, and expects more of them? The more I send, the more likely it is that I'll get caught...What if she thinks secret admirers are cowards, people who piss in their pants at the thought of actually _confronting _the person they like! Not to mention she's still going out with that wanker Smith!

"ARGH!" I groaned, grabbing tufts of my hair and falling backward on the couch.

"Um, Oliver?"

"AHHH Professor Dumbledore!" I jumped up nervously. "Oh, um... Hi Katie...hehe, nice to see you. Lovely weather!"

He - no, _she - _frowned a little, confused. "You okay?"

"FINE!" I shouted. Oops, a bit too loud. "Um, fine. Right. Just peachy, thanks."

"O...kay..." She gave me one of those okay-you're-a-tad-bit-insane-but-I'll-just-ignore-it-for-now smiles and settled down on the couch. "Up late planning Quidditch moves, huh?"

"Er... right!"

"Thought so...You're always so wrapped up in Quidditch." She sighed, leaning her head against a cushion.

"What's wrong, Bell?" I reached over and tousled her hair.

Whoa. I basically just touched Dumbledore's mighty white mane. Imagine how totally weirded out I'd be if it had been the _real _Dumbledore.

Katie must've seen me flinch, because she smiled bitterly. "Yeah...it's been lonesone these past few days."

"We missed you at practices," I said lamely.

"It's not just that..." She sighed again, now clutching the cushion to her chest. "The joke's over, Wood. Everyone's had a good laugh at my costume. But now... they're laughing at _me."_

"Oh, Katie, they're not..."

"Don't even," she snapped, holding out her hand to shut me up. "The joke's turned against me. I got a note today, Wood. An anonymous one from a 'secret admirer.' He said I was beautiful. Is that a cruel joke or what?"

I gaped at her._ Bloody hell, could I have chosen a worse time to send a bloody anonymous love letter? _Stupid, stupid, stupid! If Katie hadn't been there I would've banged my head against the wall repeatedly.

"I know, right?" she muttered, mistaking my reaction for one of horrified disbelief. "Nasty Slytherins."

_Oh gosh, that means I'll have to send her another note once she turns back to normal just to prove it wasn't a joke! Merlin, what've I got myself into?_

"And the thing is..." Katie said tiredly. "I shouldn't care. I really shouldn't! Who gives a damn about what others say anyway, right? But I do...because it's affecting how Zach sees me, I think. It's like...he's _embarrassed _of me... Merlin, I want to _hang _Fred and George!"

"Bell, it'll be all right," I said, hugging her. I suppressed the initial urge to vomit because I really felt like I was holding the Headmaster in my arms, but when I closed my eyes it wasn't too bad. Except that all that white hair made my nose tickly when I leaned my chin against her head.

"Thanks," she sniffed. I could tell she was trying not to cry. "I hate to be such a crybaby...The whole thing's so funny and yet so awful... Oh Oliver I wish it would be over so I can just laugh about it!"

It amazed me how much affection you could feel for someone, especially after she's done something stupid. I mean, everyone comes with his/her own quirks, right? That's what makes you special. And Katie's quirks made her, well...one of a kind.

"I'll be laughing with you when that day comes," I said. "But for now... I'm not laughing, okay? And even if you looked like... I dunno... a freaking transvestite harpy, I wouldn't laugh at you, or get embarrased by being with you."

"Freaking transvestite harpy?" Katie echoed, half-smiling. She looked up at me. "You're a wonderful person, Ollie, you really are," she said quietly.

If it had been _anyone _else, I swear, I would have smacked them with a Beater's bat for calling me _Ollie_. But Katie, of course, is an exception, especially after calling me 'wonderful.' Now add 'handsome,' 'intelligent,' and 'wonderfully talented in every aspect' to the list.

Just kidding.

I was starting to have hope, really. I mean, her boyfriend bloody _abandoned _her in a time of need and here I was, doing what _he _should be doing! Doesn't this prove I'm real boyfriend material or what? I wanted to say something along the lines of, "Look, maybe _you _need to be with a wonderful person. Well I mean, not necessarily _me _- even though that would be most ideal - but... basically what I'm trying to say is you should really dump that asshole who calls himself your boyfriend."

But I didn't. And I lost my chance. Because right then, Katie's eyes grew wide. "Oliver," she said, clutching the front of my robes.

"What is it?" I _knew _she was bound to declare her love for me sooner or later!

Unfortunately, that wasn't it. Suddenly there was a weird blue light and I had to shut my eyes against it, it was so bright. When I opened my eyes, I no longer had my arms around a Dumbledore lookalike. Instead, it was Katie Bell.

The _real _Katie Bell.


	14. Like a Deck of Cards

I'm back! Thanks for the reviews!

**Chapter 14**

We stared at each other, speechless, stunned by her transformation. Seeing her real face made me feel like I was home again. Then she smiled at me, and I couldn't breathe. It was as if my arms were made solely to hold her. In what was only a few seconds, but what seemed to us as an unforgettable, endless stretch of time, I bent over and kissed her...and she was mine.

xxx

CUT!

That's not how it went at all. Unfortunately. I guess I have to give you the _real _scene...damn. What a let-down. Well, here goes.

xxx

"Whoa!"

Katie, astonished by her return to normalcy, looked down at herself while I, still bent over her in the position I'd held to kiss her before the transformation, jerked forward in surprise. Our foreheads collided in the most painful way imaginable.

"OW!"

Clutching her temple, Katie pulled away and in the process she tumbled promptly off the couch backwards.

"Blimey!" she cried as the back of her head became instant friends with the floor with a loud crash. Now she'd hurt both the front and back of her head. "Ohhh...major skull-splitting headache coming right up!"

"Katie!" I fell off the couch to my knees beside her, cradling her head in my lap. "Bloody hell, woman, are you all right?"

"Well I don't exactly feel on top of the world right now, if that's what you mean," she moaned, holding her head.

"Katie, who am I?" I tapped her cheeks urgently. "Answer me!"

"You're Oliver, stupid."

"Oliver Stupid or Oliver Wood?"

"This is ridicu-"

"How many fingers am I holding up?" I said, putting up a thumb, index finger, and middle finger.

"Two."

"AHH!" I shouted, distraught. My Chaser wouldn't never be able to play in matches again!

"Gosh, I thought it was a trick question, okay? Someone once told me the thumb isn't technically considered a finger."

_"How many fingers?"_

"Three, okay! Satisfied?"

"Not yet. Who are you head-over-heels madly in love with?"

"Zacharias Smith."

_"Damn it!"_

"Excuse me?"

"What? I didn't say anything."

"You clearly did."

"Katie, Katie..." I patted her head patronizingly. "I hate to break it to you, darling, but you just smashed your head. Twice. I don't think it's _my _word you should be questioning." Her brow scrunched up in confusion.

"Oh, okay."

"That's my girl."

We sat there for a while quietly - she, waiting for the pain to subside, and I, waiting for her to finish waiting for the pain to subside.

"Oliver?"

"Yeah."

"I'm back to normal."

"So I've noticed."

Pause.

"Thanks for being here with me."

"Sure."

Longer pause.

"Oliver?"

"What?"

"You need to find yourself a girl."

"Are you offering?"

"No!"

"Well shut up then."

"Just giving you friendly advice..."

"Thanks, but no thanks."

"All right..."

Silence.

"Oliver?"

"Yes, Katie."

"How long are we going to stay like this?"

"I guess we should be getting up now."

"That may be a good idea."

"Need a hand?"

"Thanks."

"Well...good night, then."

"'Night, Oliver. See you tomorrow."

"Bye."

"Yeah. Bye."

"Right. Bye."

_"Bye."_

"'Night."

"Bye...okay this is ridiculous."

"Yeah. Bye. For_ real _now."

"Bye. For real."

In case you couldn't tell, that late night scene was all hardly as romantic as it should have been.

* * *

_Dear Diary,_

_Zach and I are once again attached by the lips and hips again. For a while, I ignored him for not being there for me enough during my 'Dumbledore phase,' and it drove him insane. (He is so whipped!) Anyway, he begged for forgiveness and I just didn't have the heart to say no. So I punished with the cold shoulder for only a week, and then I took him back. Life's good now.  
__-smiles innocently-_

* * *

"Excuse me, Captain, may we have a moment?" 

I put down my book and saw the Weasley twins beaming down at me. I sighed. "What is it?"

"Well..." They flopped down on the couch on either side of me. Terrified for my life, I kept my limbs as close to me as possible, wondering what the bloody hell they wanted from me.

"You know how Angelina and I are mad about each other," Fred began.

"No, I really couldn't tell." I rolled my eyes, thinking of all the times I'd caught them snogging the living daylights out of each other in the locker room showers.

"And you wouldn't let them date at first because you were totally against inter-team dating," George said.

"But we started dating anyhow because we didn't give a shit about what you said," Fred said, grinning cheekily.

"What is the point of this conversation?" I snapped.

"Well there's this saying...that you practice what you preach. And you're not exactly doing that."

_"What?"_I was suddenly on the defensive. "What do you mean?"

"Don't play innocent with us," George drawled. "We _know_ there's a certain brunette bombshell - who is inconveniently _not available_, by the way - on our team whom you've taken a fancy to."

"Listen," I said, trying to play it cool. "Sorry to burst your bubble, but I don't quite fancy Alicia."

"Not Alicia, doofus. There's another girl on the team."

"Oh, you mean yourselves?"

"Ha. Very funny. I'm so amused my belly button could fall off."

"Thanks for the mental image."

"We're talking about Katherine, commonly referred to as Katie."

"Does that ring a _bell?"_ Fred chuckled, proud of himself for the play on words.

"Whoa," I said. "She's what - two, three years younger than I am. Not to mention my best friend's stepsister."

"Yeah, we had a problem with the whole pedophile thing at first but we decided you're not _too _old for her," George said.

"I don't consider myself anything in regards to her!" I said hotly. "And I'm not a pedophile!"

"He's getting overly defensive," Fred whispered to George.

"_Very _suspicious," George whispered back.

"Oh for crying out loud!"

"Just admit it, Wood."

"You're in your seventh and last year. You have nothing to lose."

"She has a boyfriend," I said, weakening.

"Not a problem."

The way they said it got my attention. Fast. "What do you mean?" I said cautiously.

"Sabotage him."

"Ruin their dates."

"Send her things signed with his name that are... say, _not _romantic." (This was said with an evil chuckle.)

"Nor appropriate."

"Um... I don't know about this," I said uneasily, tugging at my collar. "That's just wrong."

"Not if _we _do them."

I stared in shock. "_Excuse me?"_

"You heard us," said Fred with a grin. "We'll do it."

"I don't get it. Why? What's the benefit for you?" As soon as I asked, I regretted it, because their answer was, "Hire us. We'll be your hitmen."

"What are you, Hogwart's official break-up team?" I scoffed.

"No, only for you," George said sweetly, fluttering his eyelashes.

"Ugh, _please._" I wrinkled my nose and pushed lover-boy away.

"For each stunt we charge two Galleons," Fred mentioned casually.

"Satisfaction guaranteed, obviously," George added.

"Otherwise, your money back!" they chimed together, with all the unbearable cheerfulness exhibited by desperate salesmen paid on commission.

I told them that. They thought it was very amusing.

xxx

Plan 4: Hire the Weasleys.

Plan 4 1/2: Cross fingers, hoping this decision will _not_ be regretted in the future.

xxx

A few days later, the morning of our trip of Hogsmeade, I was spreading butter on my toast when a breathless Fred and George plopped down beside me.

"We made it," George panted.

"We overslept, you see," Fred explained.

"And we got to the Owlery just in time to owl a letter in the morning post."

"Letter? For what?" I was biting into my toast when a huge tawny owl swooped over my head, it's wings brushing against my morning meal. "Yuck!" I dropped my toast at once. I turned to glare at the owl, only to see it heading straight for Katie.

_"Incoming," _the twins whispered quietly, also eyeing the owl.

"Oh no," I muttered under my breath.

We three watched in silence as Katie unfolded the letter. Her eyes scanned it excitedly, and soon, with a content smile, she tucked it into her robes.

"What. Did. It. Say," I seethed through clenched teeth.

"Relax, Wood," Fred said, biting into a warm buttered roll. "You paid us to do this."

_"Trust _us, mate," George added. "We're on a roll."

"With butter or jam?" Fred joked.

"Marmalade," George answered, covering his breakfast roll with just that and sinking his teeth into it with gusto.

xxx

"It was _crazy, _mate. We were totally all over each other and I knew without doubt we'd be shagging all night... And then I passed out."

"Listen, Roger. I hardly want to hear about all your sexcapades," I said. It was Hogsmeade weekend, and Roger and I were browsing through the Quidditch supply store, and my mind was on the pair of sleek leather Quidditch gloves I was admiring. "Or your drinking stories, for that matter."

"Speaking of drinking, did you hear how Adrian Pucey went into Transfiguration trashed? McGonagall had an absolute hissy fit, so I hear."

"Hmm," I said, feigning interest. "I can't afford these yet, so let's call it quits."

"Sounds good, mate. I mean, I'm into the sport and all and all, but I don't spend my _entire_ life either on a field or in a Quidditch supply store. When do you have times for girls, mate? Besides those little flings you used to have. Say, you haven't had a real girlfriend since Elizabe-"

_"Don't," _I warned.

"Don't worry, mate." Roger clapped me on the back. "You'll find someone just right for you...One day you'll just...run into her or something and-"

Ironic how as soon as he says that, I run smack into none other than Katie Bell as she is storming past

"Katie!" Roger said in surprise, grabbing her shoulders.

"Oh, thank Merlin I found _someone _decent! I'm spending the rest of the day with you," she stated firmly. Her eyes flashed and her cheeks were more red from anger than the cold, I think.

"Whoa, whoa, what's the matter?" Roger was actually very good at the protective older-brother role, as he put an arm around his stepsister and led her outside.

"We're getting something to eat first," Katie interjected, ignoring his question. "I haven't eaten _all day_." Roger gave me an _uh-oh_ look over her head as we stepped into The Three Broomsticks.

After ordering our butterbeers - and after Katie ordered an enormous sandwich - Roger said, "I _demand_ to know what idiotic ponce upset you like this."

Katie stared into her mug. "I was jilted by my own boyfriend."

Roger stiffened. "That Smith fellow?"

"The very same."

Roger began punching his fist into the other hand. "What did he do?"

"Don't hurt him, Roger," she sighed, looking tired all at once. "It would make things worse. The last thing I want is a break-up."

_Damn, _I thought disappointedly.

"Here," she said, pulling a letter out of the pocket of her robes. She pushed it across the table to us:

_Katie-_

_I have a surprise for you. This afternoon, as soon as you step into Hogsmeade, I want you to be at Madam Puddifoot's. It may take me a while to get there because of the preparations I must make, so wait there for me. I'll try not to be too late. _

_I love you._

_Zach_

"Do you know how _humiliating _it was to sit there for _three hours?_" Katie suddenly shrieked, making us jump in our seats. "With all those other _couples_ snogging all over the place? And occasionally turning to look at _me, _the _only_ person there not part of a couple? Madam Puddifoot came up to me herself and actually said, 'Dearie, even the best of us have trouble getting a man...but this isn't exactly the best place to worry about it.' She said that to _me. _ME!" She was panting by the time she finished.

"What's up with _that?_" Roger said angrily. "What the hell was Smith thinking?"

I suddenly felt very guilty, because I knew _exactly _what had happened.

Two words: the Weasleys.

"I ran outside after that, furious," Katie continued. "And a block away, I saw Zach in Zonko's, laughing over some stupid gadget with his friends! I smacked him across the face and gave him a piece of my mind."

"And then...?" I said, wincing.

"I walked away before he could make any stupid excuses. I couldn't find Leanne or Angelina or Alicia. Then I ran into you."

"That's it, I'm beating him up," growled Roger, standing immediately

_"Don't!"_ Katie beseeched, grabbing his sleeve. "Do _not_, Roger Davies, or I'll never forgive you."

"I'd be doing you a favor!" he exclaimed.

"Don't," she warned, crossing her arms. Roger scowled and sat back down.

"Now what?" I asked cautiously.

"We sit here in sullen silence while Katie finishes her sandwich," Katie replied.

We did just that.

xxx

"I CAN'T believe you did that!" I shouted at the twins. "This is getting out of control."

"But it's just getting started," Fred said innocently.

"No. I refuse to continue this. It's wrong. Katie was _very_ upset this afternoon."

"What's the problem, mate?" George argued. "We split her up with her boyfriend, and she spend the rest of the day with you. What're you complaining about?"

"You see, there's this little thing called my conscience..." I said through clenched teeth.

"But _we're _doing it!" Fred argued back.

"Exactly." George shook his pocket, and I could hear the jingle of the Galleons I'd given them.

"You haven't forgotten your moneyback guarantee." I said, not as a question.

"Look, man, we _succeeded_. She's still not talking to him."

I paused. "How did you do that anyway? I mean, _he _knows he didn't send the letter."

"Ah, that's what _you _think," Fred replied smugly.

"Simple memory charm. See, the problem is- he can't remember if he sent it or not."

"Which is what makes it so beautiful, you see. He wants to argue in his defense, but he _can't, _because he isn't sure if he has the right to."

"Mates, that's just..."

"Sheer genius!" they roared triumphantly, giving each other high fives.

"I was going to say 'insanity.'"

"You've just paid us the highest compliment," Fred grinned.

"There's a fine line between genius and insanity... I'd say we're borderline." George said this looking very proud.

"Oh, piss off..." I muttered. You really can't argue with the Weasley twins. You'll never win.

* * *

_Dear Katie, _

_Give me a kiss,  
__give me the world,  
give me your heart,  
give me a sign.  
Give me your smile,  
give me your time,  
give me your love..._

_...you already have mine. _

_Signed,  
Your Secret Admirer_

* * *

As you can see, I decided to continue my anonymous note-sending. I mean, I couldn't leave the business _entirely _to the Weasleys, despite their "success guaranteed" policy. I just couldn't trust them. Plus, I figured it was compensation for the letter/Zach incident that upset her so much. 

Merlin, I don't know what I've gotten myself into. From all the whispering the twins have been doing recently, I know they're about to fish for Galleons, meaning that they're up to no good. Which is why I've come to Luna. On my own, too. Surprised? So am I.

She was about to end our session, after a very relaxing hour of playing a record of extremely soothing music. I think she said it was a recording of mermaids off the coast of New Zealand. Whatever.

"All right, Oliver. You know what's next..." Luna turned off the record and pulled out her ginormous lion's head hat.

"Oh no..." I muttered. "Look, Luna. I actually think these sessions are working out, and they're really relaxing and helpful. But this last part...just..."

"Doesn't suit your fancy?" she answered.

"Exactly."

"Oliver," she said sternly. "You _must _let out your inner lion. You are a Gryffindor. Roar with me, please." And she began roaring like crazy with her hat.

I refused. As always.

* * *

_Dear Diary,_

_Leanne sat in our room with me all evening, trying to coax me out of my foul temper. She knows all too well that I'm one to hold a grudge for weeks at a time._

_"Katie, it was probably a mistake," she said for the hundredth time. "I don't think he did it to hurt you."_

_"He said he forgot he sent it to me!" I retorted. "What kind of boyfriend forgets like that and leaves his girlfriend sitting in Madam Puddifoot's for three hours?"_

_"Um...yours?" she answered nervously._

_"Thanks, Leanne. Really." _

_Suddenly the door opened with a crash, and Angelina and Alicia came storming in._

_"Enough moping," stated Angelina in her bossiest voice. "Katie, it isn't even that big of a deal."_

_"It IS a big deal!" I shouted. "It hurt my pride!"_

_"Pride schmide," Alicia replied, flopping down on the bed beside me. "You've got too much of it."_

_"You guys really help. Thanks," I said darkly._

_"Listen, darling," Angelina said, tucking a strand of my messy hair behind my ear. "Life with guys is like a deck of cards."_

_"Oh no, not another of your life application metaphors," I groaned._

_She plunged on resolutely. "You need a heart to love them, and a diamond to marry them."_

_"And a club to beat them," Alicia piped up. Apparently she'd gotten the same spiel before._

_"And...the spade?" Leanne queried._

_"To bury the bastards!" Angelina and Alicia finished together._

_"Wow, that was really inspirational," Leanne said, her eyes round. I rolled my eyes. _

_"So you just have to deal with it, okay?" Angelina said. "Now get up. You and Leanne are coming to our room."_

_"Why?"_

_"If you're going to be miserable, we might as well all be miserable. Alone with the best food for being miserable."_

_"Oh no," I groaned, as the three of them grinned, albeit guiltily._

* * *

I don't know quite what to do with myself. Not _one _of my three Chasers can get up for practice this morning! I mean, I've gotten complaints from them before about my morning practices, but it was particularly unusual this time that they all _absolutely _refused. When I asked Hermione to run up to the girls' dormitories to get them (ít really isn't fair how girls can enter our dormitories and we can't enter theirs), she told me they gave her a message for me and immediately shut the door. 

"Well? The message?" I asked. Hermione squirmed uncomfortably.

"'Bugger off, you bloody ponce, and go rot in hell,'" she said, a funny look on her face. I think she felt worse about having to use foul language than about repeating their message to me.

"What's _wrong _with them?" I roared, furious.

"Well, if it gives any indication..." Hermione said nervously. She leaned forward to whisper, "Their floor was absolute _covered _with empty boxes of chocolate!"

* * *

A/N: No cliffhanger. You guys lucked out. :-) The next chapter features ice skating, some one-on-one time between Oliver and Zacharias, and, of course, another Weasley prank. See you then! 


	15. Actually, I'd Prefer the Frostbite

After careful consideration, and with the assistance of some helpful reviewers, I've decided the Weasleys' demand for 5 Galleons is too much (even for them) and have changed it to 2 Galleons instead. I did some research on the Lexicon and supposedly one Galleon is equal to a little more than seven US dollars. Meaning, the twins are charging just under $15 per prank. Thanks to everyone who pitched in ideas.

Now, on to a new chapter, in which Katie and Zach's relationship takes on a different turn and Oliver gets into even more trouble...

**Chapter 15**

_Dear Diary,_

_I've forgiven my very forgetful boyfriend for walking out on our date. I can't be upset with him for too long; it never works, even if I try. Anyway, we've made up, and now there are even more pressing matters at hand..._

_Zach wants us to have sex. _

_I don't know what to do! I know I'm absolutely entitled to say no, but the problem is, I don't know if I want to do it. Say no, I mean. The impulsive part of me is kind of excited about it and tells me, "GO FOR IT!", but the cautious part of me is telling me to wait._

_I'm feeling so insecure right now, I'm about to combust. If anyone so much as mentions the words "sex" or "shag" in front of me, even as a joke, I'll blow up. It's just that...I don't know. I've always told myself that I'd never do it until I was truly in love. Wait, that implies that I don't love Zach. But I do! We've been dating for five months now, including the summer. But is that long enough to count as true love? _

_What _is _true love? _

xxx

"Quick, hide it!"

"What are you up to?" I asked suspiciously, eyeing the questionable object being hidden behind Fred Weasley's back.

"Business. Now scram!" George ordered.

I crossed my arms. "First of all, you two measly Weasleys should know better than to tell your Captain to "scram." Second, if this so-called _business_ is somehow related to our agreement, you'd better reveal your intentions _immediately_."

"Bossy, isn't he?" Fred grumbled. "Suit yourself then." When I saw what he was holding out to me, the only thing I could do was groan. Printed in delicated pink cursive letters on the bag was the world _Angelica's. _

"WHAT are you doing with women's lingerie?" I dropped the bag in horror.

"I didn't realize they made men's as well," George said cheekily.

"You know what I mean!" I said huffily. "When did you buy this?"

"During our last Hogsmeade trip," Fred explained. "We needed something – a frilly _unmentionable_, so to speak – for our mission, and we were willing to go to any lengths to get it."

"Frilly unmentionable? Mission?" I repeated in disbelief. "I still can't believe you went inside Angelica's!"

"Well, it _does _attract attention when two good-looking blokes step into Hogsmeade's most notorious pit-stop for lingerie…."

"But when have we ever said no to attention?"

I ignored the conceited remarks. What I was more interested in was _why _they would purchase a frilly unmentionable.

"Would you like a look-see, Mr. Wood?"

"A little look…."

"A little see!"

At that moment, George pulled out the frilliest confection of lace and satin I'd ever seen. It was a thin slip made of sheer black satin edged in delicate pink lace. If anything, it was very…_revealing_.

"Would you like to touch it, Captain?" Fred smirked. "It's such a nice nightie."

"What the hell are you doing with _that_?" I yelped. "Is it a present for someone?"

"It's for you."

"_Me?"_

"Yes, you'd look lovely in it."

"If you could get it to fit over your inflated head, that is."

"HEY!"

"It's for Katie, obviously. Does that ring a bell?"

"Ding-a-ling-a-ling!"

"_Katie?"_ I gulped nervously. I tried desperately not to imagine her wearing that…_thing _in George's hand.

"It'll make her furious!" Fred crowed gleefully.

"At me? Or at you?"

"At dear _Zacharias_, idiot!"

"Oh. Why?"

"Listen up, my friend." George pulled out a piece of parchment from his robe. He cleared his throat loudly and read, _"Dearest Katie, hope I'm not being too presumptuous by saying this…but I'd **love **for you to wear this tonight. Love, Zach."_

The twins took a dramatic bow.

"Well?"

"Are you waiting for applause? Because you're not getting any," I snapped. "It's a horrible plan."

"But it's a _brilliant _plan!" George argued.

"Brilliant only if it works, right?" I countered. "What if they're already…." Bloody hell. I'd never thought of this before! Zach and Katie could already be having…

"They're not having sex." Fred finished my thought. "We know that for a fact."

"Oh," I breathed in relief. _Whew_. Wait. "How the hell do you know?"

"Oh, Weasley ways, you know…" George said airily.

"And _believe _us when we say this will make Katie _explode._"

"You're the Weasleys," I said blankly. "Which is precisely why I think this'll be a complete fiasco."

"Mate, there's this thing called trust. You might want to consider investing in it someday."

xxx

_Five days later..._

"Wake up! Wakey wakey wakey!"

"Morning, sunshine!"

"Wha...?" I mumbled, opening my eyes into tiny slits. Merlin, the light hurt my eyes. Meanwhile, the twins continued bouncing up and down on my bed. "It's Sunday morning, you idiots, let me sleep!"

"Boy, this bed is nice, ain't it, George?"

"Do seventh years always get the nicest rooms?"

"Shut the damn curtains, you bloody fools!" I roared.

"Can't," they replied in unison. "Today's a _special _day!" Their singsong voices were killing me brutally.

"Why?" I snapped.

"The lake froze over! Everyone's going ice skating!" With a loud whoop, the twins tumbled off my bed and were racing out the door. As much as I didn't want to leave the cozy warmth of my bed, I managed to haul myself out of it.

When a layer of ice coats the surface of the lake for the first time of the year, it's tradition to bundle up and go skating. Almost everyone in the school does it: those who are good enough to skate competitively (like Penelope Clearwater, who always does these fancy jumps and twirls), those who are mediocre, and those who... were never, ever born to put on a pair of skates (Cedric Diggory, for example. It's the only thing he's completely sucks at. Ha!).

Shortly after, I was trudging through the snow to the lake with my roommates (except for Percy, whom we conveniently "forgot" to wake up).

"There's Penelope doing that fancy footwork," I noted. "She's so busy showing off she didn't notice we came without her boyfriend."

"Hey, we _forgot_ to wake him up, mate. It wasn't on purpose!"

"True..."

"Oh, there's Christine. Later!" One of my roommates was skating away before we could say anything, making a beeline straight for his girlfriend.

"And there's Rhiannon. Hate to leave you, mate, but I'm still in the process of trying to win her over, you know?" said the other, and soon he was skating off to be with the attractive redhead.

"You're telling me," I muttered, thinking of the girl _I _was trying to win over. Speaking of which...

"Hey, you," said a voice softly. I looked to see Katie sitting beside me, her cheeks already rosy from the cold. "The twins got you up, then."

"That's right." We took our time lacing up our skates; our eyes were too busy looking around the lake at everyone else to be focusing on the task at hand.

"Look at that kid," I said, pointing.

"Neville?" Katie laughed. "He has hidden talents, I think." We watched him do a figure eight in the center of the lake, followed by a pirouette more graceful than I could ever imagine a _guy _doing. To our amusement, Penelope Clearwater stood still with her hands on her hips, annoyed that she had to share the limelight.

"Look at Spazz-Attack Diggory over there." The prat had a girl clinging to each arm, both giggling madly as they struggled to keep Cedric on his feet. "You would think he'd get better over the years."

"Oh, Oliver!" Katie chuckled. "Hate to burst your bubble, but it's just an act to get the ladies' attention!"

What? "What a wanker!"

"Isn't he, though?" She laughed gaily and got to her feet, extending her hands down to me. "C'mon!" I grabbed her hands and she pulled me up, almost falling back down in the process. We skated side by side against the wind. Katie turned to me and smiled, and immediately I was wishing we could be like the other couples on the lake, who were holding hands tightly as if they never wanted to let go...

"Pull me," she ordered, holding out her hands to me.

_Good enough, _I thought, taking her hands. If I couldn't hold one, might as well take two. I skated backwards, pulling her along with me. Her lips curved up in delight.

"I'm going to bump into someone any minute now," I warned in a mock stern voice. "And it'll be your fault if I land on the ice and crack my head open."

"Silly goose," she replied tartly. "I'd be there to catch you!"

"That's comforting," I said, skidding to a sudden stop, the blades of my skates making a spray of ice shavings at my feet. Katie squealed as she catapulted straight into my arms, and she clung to me as she struggled to maintain balance.

"I thought you were supposed to be the one catching _me."_

"Oliver Wood, you prat!" She bent down to scoop some powdered snow at our feet and chucked it in my face.

"Why, you..." I growled, leaning over to grab some snow for myself. When I stood, I looked straight into the eyes of Zacharias Smith.

"Katie, skate with me?" he said to her, though his eyes were on my face.

"'Course! Catch you later, Ollie!" She waved and gave me a cheeky grin as she slipped her hand into her boyfriend's and skated away, but it didn't even register in my mind that she had called me the nickname that I so detested. Instead, I looked at the handful of snow I held in my fist and wished fervently that I'd hurled it at Smith's inflated head.

"Oi! Oliver, over here!" I caught sight of Angelina, who was waving frantically at me. She and Fred were skating hand in hand. I navigated through a couple of fallen heaps on the ice (two first-years who didn't know how to brake, I assumed) and reached them.

"Couples suck," I said, quite honestly, as I glared at their joined hands.

"I know," Fred replied, nodding wisely. Angelina pulled off her mitten and swatted him with it.

"You wanker!"

"Whoa, keep your shirt on!" he said, fending her off. Then, as an afterthought, "Although I wouldn't mind if you didn't."

"You sick monkey!" Angelina shrieked, feigning anger. Two seconds later, she rubbed her nose against his and giggled as they skated off together.

_Ah, young love, _I thought sarcastically.

"I hear Taylor Somers is looking for a skating partner." George skated up to me from behind.

"So is Hannah Abbott," I retorted.

"And Pansy Parkinson."

"And Millicent Bulstrode."

"And Oliver Wood," George said cheekily, linking his arm with mine. "And I've found him the perfect partner."

"Who, you?" I scoffed, pulling my arm away from his.

"No. Batie Kell."

"You're making up codenames for her now?"

"No, there really is a girl named Batie Kell, in fourth year."

"Right, and Dumbledore's my uncle."

"And You-know-who's my wife."

I glared at him, and he smiled at me innocently. "That's not even funny."

"_I _thought it was. Guess what? Fred and I are ready to put our plan into action."

"_Please _don't use the lingerie."

"But we like the sexy lingerie. It's an integral part of the plot."

"I don't think..."

"What's-a matter, Wood? You don't like sexy lingerie?"

"This is ridic-"

"I like sexy lingerie. Fred likes sexy lingerie. Hell, everyone in school likes sexy lingerie!"

"I think you've gotten your point across," I snapped.

"Why don't you like sexy lingerie?"

"Go away," I said, swatting him away like a fly and skating faster. He kept up with my pace.

"I won't give up til you say you like sexy lingerie!" George taunted in a singsong voice.

"I LIKE SEXY LINGERIE! Okay?" I said loudly. Too loudly. Three fifth-year girls giggled and looked over their shoulders at me as they skated past. "Look what you made me do," I grumbled.

"Oliver likes lingerie," George said softly to himself, chuckling. "And so does Zacharias Smith..."

"Please don't do anything stupid."

"What are you trying to say, hmm? That I've got no common sense?"

"The problem with common sense is that it's not very common."

"Hmm. Point taken. Oh, there's Alicia. Gotta scurry!"

Prat.

"Hello, Oliver," said a soft voice behind me. It was Cho, who had broken away from her group of friends and was now skating beside me. "Looking for company?"

"Only if it's yours."

"You can have it, then."

After that first bit of flirting, we skated together in awkward silence. Without a word, we passed Harry and his friends...then Ernie Macmillian...then George and Alicia... Neville Longbottom... Cedric Diggory. Whoa, what was with that sudden sour look on his face as we passed? I did a double take. It was as if he'd just swallowed a lemon. In any case, we soon forgot about him as we became more and more obsessed with our utter lack of things to say. I didn't really know what to say to her; I didn't really know her, after all. She kept looking up to me, shyly, as if expecting me to say something.

"Uhh..." I said, just wanting to end that awful silence, "want to race?"

Cho breathed a sigh in relief. "I thought you'd never ask. First one to the other side wins." My face broke out into a grin and then we took off. We sped between skaters, dodging a first year here, weaving through two third-years there, all the while trying to keep our balance. I never thought her to be the speeding maniac type, but there she was, zooming alongside me as if her life depended on it.

"WATCH OUT!" I yelled as a tiny first year stumbled and fell right in our path. Cho let out a terrified scream and swerved away, just in time, too, or else the sharp blades on her skates would have done serious damage to his chipmunk-like face. After spending a fraction of a second apologizing and making sure he was okay, I looked around frantically for Cho. My eyes found her, and if those wobbly legs meant anything, it was that she was about to fall flat on her arse any second now.

I skated rapidly towards her, but I was intercepted my someone else, who shoved me aside and skated past me in a blur. I glared after the idiot who'd just pushed me aside and made me go flying... only to be shocked to discover that the "idiot" was none other than Cedric Diggory, Mr. Catastrophe on Skates Extraordinare, who was now skating flawlessly and, just as she was about to fall, caught Cho in his arms!

_So all the spazzing out really was an act! _was my last thought before I plowed into someone.

"Look where you're going, you nobhead!"

"Oh, Zach, was that really necessary? Oliver, are you okay?"

Well, well, if it wasn't the dream couple. "I'm fine, thanks, Katie. I'd be _better_ if this tosser didn't barge into me."

"Oliver!" Katie said, angrily.

"_I _barged into _you?"_ Smith demanded. "Who the hell do you think you are?"

"Oliver Wood, at your service," I said, sarcastically taking a bow. You really do pick up dramatic flairs from the twins when you hang out with them too much. I turned my back on them and was about to skate away when I felt a rough shove from behind.

"Zach!" Katie yelled. "What's your problem?"

"Better off asking _him, _don't you think?" Smith said through clenched teeth, glaring at me.

"Yeah, you'd better ask me!" I retorted. I don't know what made me do it, but I shoved him back, hard. Suddenly we were wrestling to see who could knock the other off his feet first. A crowd of nosy students was beginning to gather.

"Really, this is ridiculous!" Katie screamed at us, trying to break us apart. "You're lucky there are no teachers out here, or you'd both be... _Stop it!_"

We were inching closer and closer to a part of the lake with a sign that read, _Warning! Thin ice! _but neither of us paid any attention. That is, until a sharp _crack! _pierced the air. Smith and I froze and stared at each other, the same look of fear written on our faces. Moments later, we were tumbling into the frigid water of the lake.

xxx

"Wish _I _could be required to drink hot chocolate," said Fred enviously as he stared at the mug in my hands.

"A' least you don' haf a stuffy noz." I pulled the blankets close to my chin, feeling as if the shivering would never stop.

"Sorry, Wood, I don't speak Idiot; you'll need to get someone to translate for you."

"I _'ate_ you." I looked across the room at Smith in his hospital bed and thought, _I hate you, too._

"Well, it's a little..._frosty _in here, isn't it?" George laughed.

"And it's about to get frostier," came a voice from the doorway. "Out, both of you!"

"Katie, darling!" Fred exclaimed in obvious delight. "If it isn't the damsel in distress herself!"

"I am _not _a damsel in distress and I will _never _be a damsel in distress," she snapped. "Now, out, both of you. I want to speak to these gents alone."

"Uh oh!" George said in a high, child-like voice, clapping his hands together. "Someone's about to get in BIG TWOUBLE!"

"I tink it's time for a time-out for dese boys!" Fred said in a singsong voice.

"I tink so too, I tink I do!"

"Here comes twouble!"

"OUT!" Katie screamed.

"Biiiig twouble indeed," George said, grinning, as the two scampered off. The door slammed behind them, and all was silent.

"Katie, he-" Smith piped up.

"He started it-" I argued.

"_I'm _doing the talking here!"

(Cricket, cricket...)

Katie put her hands on her hips. "I'm so disappointed in you two. What I saw was the most childish display I ever saw from men like you... No, men? Ha! _Boys_, rather. I'd expect such behavior from first years!"

I felt like I was in kindergarten, where the teacher goes, "No, no! _Bad _Oliver! You _can't _put your crayon up Tommy's nose!" Judging by the look on Smith's face, he was feeling the same way.

"You deserve this little trip to the hospital wing. Frostbite would've been a better punishment, but I guess you both lucked out, didn't you? Fighting over _nothing! _Why, if I had the mind, I would-"

"Miss Bell? Are you visiting?" Madam Pomfrey interrupted as she bustled in. "Actually, this works out well for me because I need help bringing some more blankets for these boys."

"I'm sorry, Madam Pomfrey," Katie replied, giving a cold glare each to Smith and me. "But I'd rather not." And with that, she stormed out of the room before either of us could even try convincing her that the other was at fault.

xxx

_The next evening..._

"Wood! Glad to see you back!" yelled one of my seventh year friends across the common room.

"Hey," I said, grinning as they clapped me on the back.

"Why'd Pomfrey wait til now to let you out?"

"I convinced her that I _needed _the whole day off from classes to recover. And you know Pomfrey, she's always had a soft spot for me..."

"Always winning the ladies, Wood!" my roommate laughed, giving me a high five.

_Not the one that counts, _I thought dejectedly, catching sight of Katie across the room. She'd looked up during the commotion my friends had made, but upon meeting my gaze, she looked away quickly.

"Guess what? After catching Cho on the ice today, Diggory asked her out on the spot."

"Even while I was drowning in icy cold water?" I asked drily.

"Even while you were drowning in icy cold water," he affirmed.

"And they were snogging as you struggled to pull yourself out of the water and your fans were screaming themselves hoarse."

"That's great to hear," I said, not really listening. Because I was busy planning my next move, but I wasn't quite sure how to go about it. You see, I'd thought of something in the hospital wing: I wanted to tell the truth.

It's not necessary, but I'll write it out offficially:

---

Plan 5: Tell the truth.

---

"Later," I said quickly, standing. "I've got something to do." I approached Katie and said, quietly, "Can I talk to you for a second?"

Katie's eyes widened. She gave a questioning look to Leanne, who was sitting beside her, then shrugged and followed me out of the common room and into empty hallway.

"Before I say anything, I want you to know I'm sorry. _Very _sorry. I didn't mean to get out of control."

"Oh, Oliver..." She shook her head. "I think _I _got out of control; I shouldn't have been so mad..."

"No, I blame myself. Entirely."

"Well, that's self-sacrificial of you." She smiled.

"It wasn't easy," I said, attempted to be light-hearted. "And now that I've gotten you to forgive me... Katie, I..."

"What?"

I didn't want to humiliate myself by stuttering. So instead, I bent down and kissed her. She placed her hands on my chest and pushed me away. Her eyes were wide with shock.

"What...?"

"Katie, I like you. A lot. And I know you might not believe me but I mean it..."

"I don't know what to say..."

"So don't say anything." I tilted her chin up with my index finger.

"Oliver, I have a boyfriend..." Katie said, shaking her head. "That means I'm committed to him."

"I thought... I thought you always liked me." Poor me. I was very confused.

"That was before, Oliver. When I was young and thought there was no one else in the world I wanted more than my brother's best friend. But I've grown up now."

"What if your brother's best friend wants _you_, now that he's grown up?"

"This is surreal..." she murmured. "Oliver Wood saying _he _likes _me..._ I never thought I'd live to see the day."

"Well, this is the day."

"Yes, it is... wow." She still seemed unable to get over it. She shook her head again, as if to clear her mind. "But in any case... I'm sorry, Oliver. I really am. But I'm with Zach now, and that's not going to change."

xxx

I walked up to the Weasleys' room, where I found them laughing about a new prank they had in mind. I saw the Angelica's bag under one of their beds. They wouldn't be needing it anytime soon, at least, not with any concern to me.

"What's up, Wood?" they asked upon my approach.

"Care to try our latest product? It's going on the market next-"

"Fred, George... you're fired."

xxx

A/N: How's that for an ending?

PS- I couldn't resist putting my own name into the story. Although I'd much rather be with Oliver himself than one of his nameless roommates... ;)


	16. Say WHAT?

So sorry for the delay! I'm afraid there'll be more long absences from me, since I'll be stuck in the whole college application frenzy for months to come... unless I'm accepted into my top choice college through early action. So everyone please pray that I get in so I can update my fanfics more often! ;-)

Another thing to apologize for - I know it's been a long wait for this chapter, but you might find it disappointing. I made it short first of all, so I could finish it quickly and update it before going back to homework and such, and plus - it's more like a filler chapter than anything else. But I give you my word that the next chapter (whenever it's updated) will be _so much more_ worth it!

See you then!

**Chapter 16**

_Dear Diary,_

_Merlin's beard! Oliver Wood fancies me! And not only does he fancy me, but he KISSED me! Is this the end of the world? To think that this is happening after all those years of pining over him, and now that I have a boyfriend and was thinking my crush on Wood was a thing of the past... Unbelievable!_

_I can't even explain what I was feeling as he walked away after I turned him down. Relief? Pity?...__Regret?_

_What am I thinking?_

xxx

"What are you thinking?" Fred gawked.

"How can you fire _us?" _George said, looking appalled.

"I'm through with it," I said flatly, ignoring the identical looks of disbelief on the twins' faces. "There's no point anymore."

"You're bonkers, mate."

"We've only just started, too, we had tons more tricks up our sleeves…."

"Looks like you'll have to save those for someone else," I said firmly. "Now can I have my money back?"

"What?" they squawked in protest. "After all we've done?"

"Your money back guarantee…?" I replied through clenched teeth.

Fred and George sighed, clearly disappointed. George reached into his pocket and forked over the two Galleons.

"There goes our profit," he said darkly.

"Well at least do us one favor, now that you've fired us so nicely," Fred piped up. "George, let's do the trick!"

George brightened immediately. "Ah, yes! Brilliant!" He grabbed a spare bit of parchment and scribbled something on it, and my eyes narrowed in suspicion. What now?

"Here!" he said triumphantly, extending it to me. "Say this out loud."

"Don't read it too fast. Stress each syllable," advised Fred.

"I am sofa king we Todd did," I read slowly, not quite understanding. Suddenly the twins burst into laughter.

"Again!" Fred commanded.

"I am sofa king we Todd did." The twins roared.

"Again!" George ordered.

"I am sofa king we Todd did. What the hell does this mean?" By now the twins were rolling on the floor, tears streaming down their cheeks.

"Bloody hell, explain that damn thing!" I yelled furiously.

"You wouldn't get it!" gasped Fred. "The person reading it out loud never does!"

"Brilliant, innit?" George crowed.

"DAWN PRACTICES FOR A WEEK IF YOU DON'T EXPLAIN!" I roared.

"Aw, Wood!" George whined.

"Fine," Fred grumbled, looking around the common room for another victim. "Hey, Lavender!"

The girl bounced over to us, probably ecstatic about getting attention from older males. "Hi, boys!" she bubbled.

"Read this," George said abruptly, shoving the parchment in her face. "Slowly."

"I am sofa king we Todd did?" The twins exploded again, and poor Lavender scrunched her nose in confusion.

"Oh. I get it," I said dully, understanding now that I was hearing it.

"All right, we're done with you," George said to Lavender.

"Yes. Shoo, fly, don't bother us," Fred added, and the girl left looking extremely bewildered.

"I'm in dangerous company around you two," I said. "I'm already hanging on to the last bit of sanity I've got left, as it is."

The twins laughed delightedly. "It's because you're sofa king we Todd did!"

xxx

_Dear Diary, _

_Angelina and I had long suspected that Alicia fancied George, but when she barged into the room upstairs tonight and squealed that he had asked her out, even we weren't ready for the news! Still, we were so happy for her, and we couldn't stop asking all these questions until finally I asked one that was meant to be harmless, but she took it the wrong way…._

"So what _took _him so long?" I laughed. "I didn't think a Weasley twin could be shy about anything!"

Alicia was suddenly silent. Angelina and I exchanged a worried glance.

"Was it something I said?" I whispered anxiously.

At last, Alicia said, "He thought I liked Oliver all this time."

_"OLIVER?"_ Angelina and I shrieked the same time.

"Yes, Oliver." Alicia let out a deep breath. "I never told you this, but…I kissed him at the Halloween party, and George saw it..."

_"WHAT?"_ For some reason, this really disturbed me.

"Alicia, were you _daft?"_ Angelina said in her usual straightforward way.

"I know, it was stupid," Alicia sighed. "It wasn't that I fancied him or anything. He was just so…conveniently good-looking and so conveniently…_there. _And you know how all of us had a crush on him at one point…."

"We must've been mad!" Angelina stifled a giggle.

"It was just something I always wanted to do!" Alicia cried helplessly. "Like one of those _Top Ten Things to Do Before Graduating_: kiss Oliver Wood." She grinned sheepishly.

"But it was always George, though," Angelina commented. "You fancied him for so long."

"Yes," Alicia said, sighing dreamily. "And he was so cool about the whole Oliver thing, and he said, 'I don't care what happened in the past, as long as you're happy with me here and now.' I couldn't be happier!"

"Wait!" I yelled. "I'm still stuck on the topic of Oliver here! So what _happened?_"

"He didn't kiss me back, if you were wondering. Hoping, rather. Right, Katie?" Alicia grinned at me slyly.

"What?" I squawked indignantly.

"Oh c'mon, Katie, be honest! If you were the only female left in the world with Zach and Oliver as the only males left in the world, and you had to procreate with one of them to bring back the entire human race, _honestly_, who would you make babies with?"

Luckily, I never had to answer that question. Because just then, Leanne charged into the room like a hippogriff gone mad, looking so distraught that she didn't even notice the tomato-red blush on my face.

"Relax, woman! What's got your knickers in a twist?" Angelina demanded of Leanne.

"Ohmigosh, Katie, you won't believe it!" Leanne panted, gasping for air. "I just ran all the way up from the library. I heard it from Parvati Patil, who heard it from her sister Padma, who had been talking to Marietta Edgecombe, who found out from Daphne Greengrass, who spoke to Pansy Parkinson, who said that she overheard a very drunk Marcus Flint telling Theodore Nott that _Oliver Wood's on a bet that he can get you to snog him!" _

_

* * *

_

A/N: Sorry for that cliffie. And don't worry, the next chapter will be better! 

If you don't understand the lame sofa king joke, try getting someone else to do it, like Gred & Forge did with Lavender. Just one note of advice: you might not want to try it on a parent or adult. If you still don't get it, let me know in a review!


	17. Battle of the Sexes

I'm back already, believe it or not! I had my French SAT II today so I thought I'd give myself a treat by writing another chapter. I made this one long to make up for the awful shortness of my last one. So here you go!

**Chapter 17**

_"What?" Angelina gasped. _

_"What?" Alicia shrieked._

_"WHAT?" I screamed._

_"And you're not the only one involved in it, either!" Leanne went on, all in one breath. "Apparently the Quidditch captains made the bet among themselves, choosing a girl for each one to get a good snog from."_

_"Ah, the things boys will do to pass the time..." This came from Angelina._

_"Hannah Abbot was chosen for Cedric; Millicent Bulstrode for Marcus Flint, Luna Lovegood for your stepbrother..." _

_"I can't believe Roger's involved in this, too!" Alicia cried. _

_"...and you, Katie, for Oliver, apparently," Leanne finished._

_"Wait," Angelina said before I could start my tantrum properly. "I don't get it. I don't know how to put it, but all those girls are..."_

_"Losers?" Alicia snorted. _

_"I was trying not to be so blunt," Angelina sighed. _

_"Always make it short and sweet, honey," said Alicia, grinning. "Especially when you're telling the truth."_

_"But really," Angelina went on, "they're all...okay, fine...'losers.' I don't see at all why Katie was included in the group-" _

_"Katie," gulped Leanne. "Are you okay? You look about to explo-"_

_"Those male chauvinistic PIGS!" I exploded._

_"It's okay, Katie," Alicia said soothingly, putting an arm around my shoulders. "It's a Thursday. Bad things always happen on Thursdays."_

_"That's what you said last Wednesday about Wednesdays when I failed my Divination exam!" I yelled. "And last Monday about Mondays when I overslept and ran into Potions half an hour late! You say that about every day, Alicia, so it doesn't really help!"_

_"Do I really do that?" Alicia wondered aloud, as if amazed by this discovery._

_"Don't scream at Alicia, Katie, you have no right," snapped Angelina, sharply. "It's no one's fault but the boys'."_

_My shoulders slumped, and suddenly I felt all my energy drain out of me. "You're right. I'm sorry, Alicia."_

_"You're always forgiven, love," she replied, planting a kiss on the top of my head. I leaned against her tiredly, when suddenly a thought popped into my head and I scrambled to my feet, scaring the bejeesus out of poor Alicia._

_"So THAT'S why the wanker kissed me!" I screamed. "Well it serves him right that I didn't kiss him back!"_

_"OLIVER KISSED YOU?" my three friends shrieked. _

_"When?" Leanne gasped._

_"Where?" Angelina demanded._

_"WHY THE BLOODY HELL DIDN'T YOU TELL US 'TIL NOW?" __Yeah. That came from Alicia._

_"I was going to tell you, but I never got around to it...Ooh, I'm going to kill him!" I reached for a pillow and started pounding the life out of it (not that it was alive in the first place) until it fell apart with a loud RIIIP. Feathers went flying._

_"My pillow!" Leanne shrieked._

_"If you can even call it a pillow anymore," Angelina commented dryly._

_"I hope you weren't too fond of it, Leanne," Alicia said helpfully. _

_"Don't you girls feel any sympathy for me at all?" I raged. "Can't you see that our entire sex is being mistreated by theirs? That we're being deceived and manipulated and treated as... as PLAY THINGS?"_

_"Simmer down, woman!" Angelina cried, shocked. "This bet doesn't give you any cause to get mad at ALL men!"_

_"Oh, indeed?" I shrieked hysterically as I ripped the rest of Leanne's pillow into shreds. I heard a soft muffled moan from my best friend as she covered her face with her hands. (Don't worry, Diary, I fixed it later and gave her a proper apology.) "Well I'll just have you know, Angelina Johnson, that this incident has proved once and for all that men are consumed by their ridiculous male chauvinism and are forever abusing our gender physically, psychologically, sexually..."_

_"Mentally?" Alicia said, rolling her eyes, thinking I'd lost my mind._

_"Now, what we need is a little something to calm us down," said Angelina, ever the mothering one. (This is why Alicia and I sometimes call her Auntie Ange.) She scooted over toward her bed and disappeared beneath it. A few seconds later, she emerged with four bottles of butterbeer._

_"My secret stash," she said, grinning. _

_"Why is it that whenever Katie has a problem, we end up consuming hundreds and hundreds of calories?" Alicia moaned, even as she eagerly grabbed a bottle._

_"Yeah. Remember those chocolates?" Leanne said as she popped open the cap of her butterbeer. "I think I gained five pounds that night!" _

_"Excuse me, but how exactly is this helping me?" I cried. "I'm absolutely furious right now, thanks for noticing!"_

_"Let's make a toast," Angelina replied. "Katie, you can do it. And you can verbally abuse the boys as much as you wish."_

_"Fair enough," I said, grabbing a bottle for myself. I popped it open and we held our bottles up. "Here's to the demise of man, the sick monkey that he is. Here's to all men being dismembered and decapitated and exterminated from the face of the earth. Here's to them being torn apart by us, the fairer sex, piece by piece, limb by limb. Here's to them being castrated without mercy–"_

_"Oh, Katie!" Leanne cried. "Can we keep this rated PG?"_

_"Castrated?" Angelina repeated doubtfully. "Fred sure wouldn't like that…"_

_"I assume this toast holds true even for men that matter, like your dad and Zach?" Alicia commented dryly, raising her eyebrows._

_"Bloody hell, why am I toasting the men?" I went on, ignoring them. "To hell with men, let's drink to **us**!"_

_Our bottles clinked together, and we chugged the butterbeer like there was no tomorrow._

xxx

"All right, team, let's start!" My breath made a puff of fog in the chilly air. It was early in the morning and my team looked like the living dead.

"I think my arse is frostbitten," moaned Fred, jumping up and down to keep himself warm.

"That's lovely. On your brooms!" There was a lot of grumbling, but eventually everyone was ready for practice. Everyone, that is, except for…

"Bell! You going to sit on your arse all day?" Instead of a response, I received the most frightful glare from her. If looks could kill, I would have ten bullets in my back, twelve knives in my chest, and an arrow or two going through my skull.

"Got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning? C'mon, let's _move!"_ I didn't mean to yell, but I was still feeling affronted from being rejected by her. Yet Katie still didn't budge. Instead, she sat stubbornly on the bench, shivering but still glowering at me. I squatted before her and looked her in the eye.

"What's-a-matter, Katie?"

Silence.

"Can you answer me at least?"

Silence.

"Bell!"

"I'm not practicing," she said sullenly.

"You have to." By this time, the rest of the team had caught on that something was wrong, and to my annoyance, they were flying toward us.

"No, I don't. You can't make me."

"Bell, I'm _commanding _you to!" I guess this was the wrong thing to say, because suddenly her cheeks flushed and her eyes blazed with anger.

"Commanding?" she repeated, getting to her feet and shoving me away. "COMMANDING? Who the hell do you think you are?" She was screaming now.

"Newsflash – I'm kind of _your Captain!"_ I retorted. "I have the _right _to order you around!"

"_Order me around?"_ she shrieked hysterically. "Of all the things you defend, it's male chauvinism, isn't it, Oliver Wood? Because you men think you're on top of the world, trampling women down under your feet like we're not worth anything. Well, I'm sick and _tired _of it, and of your bloody obnoxious sex, and I HATE MEN!" She turned on her heel and stormed into the building.

I slowly turned to the rest of my team, stunned. "Was it just me, or did she just blame me for all the problems she has with an entire gender?"

"It wasn't just you," George replied sagely.

"What got _her _knickers into a twist?" Fred wondered.

I saw Angelina and Alicia exchanging a look. "You girls obviously know what's going on. Tell me," I said.

"Well," Angelina began, "she's had a rough night last night – something about a rumor, you see, and –"

"Oh for crying out loud, stop beating about the bush, Angelina!" Alicia snapped. "She's mad about your stupid bet. And to think about it, I'm mad too, Oliver Wood, because that was just_ low _of you and you lost what little respect I had for you!" Then she, too, stormed away.

"Bet?" the twins and Harry questioned in unison. I froze. Who had spilled the beans? Bloody hell, did the whole school know?

"Well there goes Upset Female #2," I said, trying to keep my tone light.

"And Upset Female #3's about to leave as well, because she thinks this early morning drama is ridiculous." Angelina hoisted her broom over her shoulder and walked away.

"WHAT?" I squawked.

"Tough luck, mate," Fred said. "If my girl leaves, _I'm _leaving." He ran after Angelina to catch up with her.

"And if my brother leaves, _I'm _leaving." George ran after his twin.

"This is mutiny!" I shouted. "You'll all be _hanged _for this!" There was an awkward cough beside me. I whirled upon Harry. "What, you're leaving too?" I snarled.

"Unless you _want _a two-person practice…," he said uneasily.

"I do. I want to practice with just you, Harry," I said sarcastically.

He hesitated. "Oh. Erm, okay…."

"Get out of here," I snapped. What a great way to start the day. Little did I know it was about to get worse….

xxx

"Wood! Mate, I need to talk to you. Pronto."

"What is it?" I sighed, turning to face Roger.

"The whole school bloody found out!" he yelled, flailing his arms.

"Oh? How nice."

"Wood, have you lost your _mind? _That's all you can say?"

"Well, considering my entire team mutinied against me this morning, that's really all I can say," I snapped.

"Oh." He stopped short. "I don't suppose Katie was the cause of—"

"She was. She was the first to leave."

"Aw, bugger. You should've seen her look at me this morning. Damn, if looks could kill, I'd have…"

"Ten bullets in your back, twelve knives in your chest, and an arrow or two going through your skull?"

He blinked. "Uh. Yeah, exactly."

"Mates, have you heard?" Cedric ran toward us, out of breath.

"The whole school knows," Roger and I said together.

"It was Flint!" he said, his eyes flashing with anger. "He couldn't hold his liquor one night and he blurted it all out, that careless wanker!"

"I guess it's called off, then," Roger said. "If everyone knows about it, including the girls involved in the bet, no one will fall for it and it won't work. Right?" He looked extremely hopeful, as if he'd rather get a snog from the giant squid than from Luna Lovegood.

"Looks like it," Cedric said, trying to sound terribly disappointed. But we could tell he wanted to skip down the hallway in a tutu with bunnies and butterflies dancing around him because he no longer had to kiss Hannah Abbott.

Fine, don't believe me.

"No need to call it off officially, though, since it'll never happen anyway," I said. "But for now, we'll keep it out of our minds and try to do our best doing damage control around the school."

"Yeah," said Roger glumly. "Who knows what people think of us now?"

"Well, I sure know what Katie thinks," I said. "She's furious with our entire gender."

"What? That's a little overstepping it, isn't it?" Cedric replied dubiously.

"Hey, don't badmouth my sister!" Roger shouted.

"May I remind you that she hates the very sight of you right now?"

"Oh. Right."

xxx

_Dear Diary,_

_I am campaigning against men. Yes, **men**. The entire lot of them. Angelina and Alicia think I've lost my mind. But as much as I love my friends for ditching practice on my behalf, they're not giving me the support I need. This is why I called a meeting for the four victims of the bet, which unfortunately included myself..._

"Hello! Sit down, make yourself comfortable!" I said as cheerfully as possible as Millicent Bulstrode stomped into the Charms classroom, which I had received permission to use that night. Luna Lovegood and Hannah Abbott had already arrived. Hannah looked extremely bewildered, as if wondering, _What the hell am I doing here, _while Luna was totally unfazed, as if this was as normal as having breakfast every day. Millicent, like always, looked like she wanted to kill something.

"You better make this quick," she snarled as she went to take her seat. "I don't have time for this crap."

"Don't worry," I said brightly. "This'll be worth your time." I shut the door and strode to the front of the room. "As you have probably heard by now, we are the victims of a cruel bet that the four Quidditch Captains have devised."

"What's that?" Millicent said, popping her bubblegum.

"They made a bet," I repeated. "And it concerns us."

"No, I meant that word you used."

"Oh. Devised? It means that they made it up and planned it."

"Gotcha."

"Wait, _who _made a bet concerning _whom?_" Hannah cried. Oh, brother. And here I was thinking they knew all about it already. I quickly explained, and her eyes grew round.

"So _that's _why Cedric Diggory's been talking to me!" she whispered, her eyes welling up with tears. "And here I was thinking…I don't know…that maybe he…he _fancied _me!" She covered her face with her hands. "What was I thinking? I'm so _stupid!_"

"That's why we need to fight back!" I said, feeling so sorry for her. "It's all the men's doing. They manipulate us and get us to think what they want us to think, only to turn our lives upside down when they feel like it!"

"Those nasty gits!" Millicent shouted, pounding her fist on her desk.

"Are we going to let them do that to us?"

"No!" Millicent roared.

"Are we going to let them get away with it?"

"No!" Hannah cried passionately, jumping to her feet. Her cheeks were flushed.

"And are we going to fight back, blow for blow?"

"YES!" they shouted together.

"All right, then let's do it!" I cried, raising my wand. "Are you in?" Hannah and Millicent thrust their wands toward mine. "Do you pledge to uphold the honor of women, and — uh, Luna?" I hadn't noticed until then that she hadn't said a word. Instead, she was sitting placidly in her seat, her hands folded quietly and a little smile on her face.

"Get in, quick!" Hannah said.

"I'm sorry, Kathy, but please leave me out," Luna said calmly, shaking her head so that her radish earrings swung to and fro.

"It's Katie," I corrected, "and why the hell aren't you joining us?"

"Oh, I've got plans of my own," she replied, smiling serenely. Without another word, she got to her feet and swept out of the room.

_I can tell you, Diary, that the three of us who were still in the room were bewildered. I still can' t believe she won't support my cause! And what the hell is going on that Luna isn't telling us about?_

xxx

Even though it killed me to do so, I didn't call for a morning practice the next day. In fact, I even canceled this afternoon's practice, much to my team's shock. If they didn't want to put in the time and effort, I wouldn't make them.

"But Oliver, you're crazy!" Angelina protested. She was almost as insane about Quidditch as I was. "Can we at least have an afternoon practice today?"

"Oh, so now my mutinying crew _demands _to have practice?" I said wryly. "Now that's what I call ironic."

"It wasn't a mutiny!" she retorted. "It just wasn't a good day, okay? Now can we please have practice later today?"

"After being told so kindly that a team Captain cannot 'order people around,' I might as well not bother," I replied icily.

"We're having practice this afternoon," she snapped, "whether you're there or not. I _know _you're putting on this nonchalant attitude just to show us who's boss. And you know what? You've convinced us! Okay?"

I sighed wearily. "Fine. _You've _convinced _me. _Tell everyone practice is rescheduled, and – oh. Katie."

She'd just walked up to us. Without saying a word to me, she handed something to Angelina and walked away.

_"Join the campaign_ _against men,_" Angelina read from the pin. _"Show them who really wears the trousers around here. _Oh boy, this is getting out of hand._"_

"She's actually campaigning against half the student body?" I said incredulously.

"What is she _thinking_?" Angelina moaned, slapping her forehead. "In a few years, people _still _won't let her live this down! She's out to destroy her reputation!"

"Um…correct me if I'm wrong here, but doesn't she have…."

"A boyfriend? YES! What must Zach be thinking?"

"That his girlfriend's lost his mind?" I replied mercilessly.

"Most likely. This just spells d-i-s-a-s-t-e-r! This…bloody hell!" I turned to see what she was looking at. It was Millicent Bulstrode and Hannah Abbott, who were pushing their way through the hall, giving out those campaign buttons right and left.

"She's _recruiting _people now?" Angelina wailed, clutching her hands to her face.

"Would you like a button, Angelina?" asked Hannah, pointedly ignoring me. "It's for a good cause." Angelina held up the button she'd received already from Katie, shaking her head. Her mouth was gaping open like a fish's.

"Oh, but mine's a little different," Hannah said brightly. She thrust a pin toward Angelina. "See you later!"

I peered over my Chaser's shoulder. In neon pink letters, the button read, "Remember, girls, it's chicks over dicks!"

"This is social _suicide_!" Angelina shrieked in horror. She looked ready to pass out.

"Look, Angelina, you look like you're about to have a stroke," I said, taking a piece of parchment from my bag and fanning it in front of her face. "Calm down, would you?"

"Oh..." she moaned.

"She'll get over it," I reassured her, "I'm sure it's just a phase."

"I don't know, Oliver," she replied anxiously. "With Katie, you just _never _know."

By the end of the day, rumors had spread all over school that Katie Bell had gone insane, and since she and her henchmen – ahem, hench_women_ –Hannah Abbott and Millicent Bulstrode, were fervently denouncing the male sex's right to live (thus referring to half the student body), that they were probably lesbian and had created a secret lovers' tryst amongst themselves.

xxx

"Ahem," Cedric coughed, finally getting our attention. "I've called this emergency Captains' meeting so as to deal with the catastrophe that has infiltrated throughout the school involving the fair sex's feminist movement and newfound animosity for our gender."

"SPEAK ENGLISH!" Marcus roared.

"He got us together so we can discuss the fact that the girls involved in our bet want to castrate us," Roger translated dryly.

"Oh." Flint grunted. Roger and I rolled our eyes at each other.

"Anyway, I think we should do something to resolve the problem," Cedric continued. "The bet was a stupid idea; I'm ashamed of it. Cho's mad at me about it and it's threatening to break up our relationship."

"Oh, so it's all about you and Cho, is it?" Roger narrowed his eyes.

"No! I'm just saying it was _wrong _in general!" Cedric argued.

"I say we keep the bet," Marcus said, crossing his arms. "There's no harm in it."

"No. I'm not saying I _agree _with Katie Bell's feminist movement, but I do think it was wrong of us to degrade the four girls by involving them in something so shameful," Cedric replied. (Always the ladies' biggest fan, that Diggory.) "Davies and Wood, what do you think?"

"Well, I don't think it was _wrong_; it was just a bit of fun," Roger said. "I mean, they probably talk about us blokes all the time, right? But I do agree that it's not worth the girls being mad at us for, especially Katie. She hates us right now."

"That would be an understatement," I muttered.

"What about you, Wood?"

I sighed. "I guess I'm with you on that. I'm willing to apologize if we haveto."

"What?" Flint protested.

"All right," Cedric said with a nod. "We'll submit a formal written apology to them tomorrow, how's that?"

"FORMAL WRITTEN APOLOGY?" Roger, Marcus, and I shouted.

"It's only right," Cedric replied.

"That's taking it a little too far, mate," Roger said uneasily. "We'll look like...I dunno... _pansies_."

"I agree," I replied quickly.

"Or would you rather do it in person?" Cedric said, raising an eyebrow. We all looked at each other.

"Formal written apology it is, then!" Roger said hastily.

"Good. I'll write it tonight, we'll all sign it tomorrow, and then we'll send it by owl post so it reaches the girls by tomorrow night. Deal?"

"Deal," we replied half-heartedly.

"Wait," I said suddenly. "To only the three girls?"

"There were _four _girls in the bet, you idiot!" Flint replied rudely.

"You're forgetting one, dipshit," I retorted. "What the hell happened to Luna?"

We stared at each other blankly. None of us could come up with an answer.

xxx

_Dear Diary,_

_The world thinks I've gone insane. Some people were really nice about it, even if they secretly think I'm crazy. For example, Cho Chang came up to me today. She put a hand on my arm and said in her quiet little way, "I'm terribly upset with them, too, Katie; I'm sorry you were involved in it. I gave Cedric a verbal thrashing today and he was awfully sorry." I appreciated her support, but secretly I was thinking she was no true feminist. I mean, a true feminist would break up with Cedric, wear one of my pins, and denounce all men forever. But I forgave her anyway._

_Others, on the other hand, were hardly as supportive. Taylor Somers came up to me, asked for a pin, and snapped it in half when I gave it to her. "You're retarded, Katie Bell," she spat in my face, and she and her friends went away laughing. I made things worse by running after her, yanking her hair so hard I felt the bones in her neck crack. She screamed and started crying, and this is why I am in detention right now writing in this diary. _

_And the whole situation with Zach...? Oh, Diary, it was awful!..._

"Katie, what the hell are you doing?" were his first words to me.

"Get away," I replied, ignoring him and continuing to hand out pins. "You're killing my cause here!"

"I'm sorry, but I just _happen _to be your _boyfriend!" _he snapped, yanking the box of pins away from me. "Or are you denouncing me, too?"

"For the moment, unfortunately," I replied, snatching the box back. "Our relationship is temporarily on hold."

"You're blaming _me _for something the four idiot Captains did?" he yelled.

"One of which happens to be _yours_," I said tartly, referring to Roger. "But I won't tell my stepbrother you said that."

"Of course you wouldn't; he's on your hit list right now along with Wood, Diggory, and Flint."

"Don't get all sarcastic with _me," _I seethed, poking a finger into his chest. "I'm sick of all of you!"

"Perhaps we should continue this discussion later, then, when you're sane again?" he replied, walking away.

"No one walks away from Katie Bell like that!" I screamed, but he didn't turn back.

"I believe he just did," smirked Pansy Parkinson from behind me. She'd heard our entire conversation. "Trouble in paradise, Katie Bell?"

"Heard about Taylor Somers' neck?" I snarled. "I can do the same to yours."

She sprinted down the hall away from me. Despite her tough Slytherin attitude, she really does scurry whenever she senses trouble...

_So there you go, Diary_. _That was my wonderful day. Zach and I aren't speaking, I'm furious at Oliver Wood, Cedric Diggory, Marcus Flint, and worst of all, my own stepbrother, and most of the school thinks I'm crazy. At least Hannah and Millicent are still behind me, though. Surprising, hmm?_

_I refuse to give up my cause but secretly I'm beginning to wonder when this nightmare will be over._

xxx

"Wood, I wrote it."

I was at breakfast the next morning when Cedric handed me a piece of parchment.

"Did the others read it?" I asked as my eyes scanned his words. The apology sounded awfully corny and Cedric-esque, but I supposed it was tolerable.

"No, Roger has yet to see it." Cedric yelled over toward the Ravenclaw table, "Oi, Davies!"

Roger looked up, noticed us, and put a last forkful of scrambled eggs in his mouth. He had just gotten to his feet when suddenly Luna Lovegood appeared and stood in his way. Cedric and I exchanged a glance; it was strange to see her with her long dark blond hair falling down her back, her robes looking neat and tidy for once, and shiny chandelier earrings in her earlobes instead of her usual whacked-out jewelry. In fact, she looked almost...normal.

Luna approached Roger, who looked surprised to see her blocking his way. Without hesitation, she stepped closer, stood on her toes to reach his height, and kissed him.

* * *

A/N: _Please _review. I know there's a bunch of people out there who read this and don't bother to review. But you can just leave a one-liner like, "I like it, please update soon," which takes all of, what, three seconds? I'm not one of those writers who demand long reviews; I put hours into my stories and I only ask for three seconds of your time. ;) Thanks a bunch. 

FizzingWhizbeez


	18. Dissed and Dismissed

I don't have to take the SAT _EVER _again!! -does silly happy dance- It was my third and last time today. I feel like some kind of aged war veteran. Anyhoo, I am absolutely _floored _by the reviews I got for my last chapter. Never in my life have I gotten so many! Thank you all SO much!!!

Some people have asked me how long I intend this to be. Good question; I seriously wish I had the answer! I was going to make it around 20 chapters or so, but all these new ideas keep popping into my head and I have no idea when this road will end. As of now, let's say around 30, but that is most _definitely _not a guarantee.

Yay! Another long chappie! Wheeeeee!

* * *

_For those who forgot, here's a r__ecap of the last chapter: Katie, along with Hannah Abbott and Millicent Bulstrode, is campaigning against all men because of the bet devised by the four Quidditch Captains, who have yet to give them an apology. Cedric has just finished writing the apology and gave it Oliver to read in the morning at breakfast. They call Roger over to see it, but he is stopped by Luna Lovegood, who kisses him! _

* * *

**Chapter 18 **

I couldn't believe my eyes. There was Luna Lovegood, KISSING my best mate in front of the whole school! The entire mouthful of pancake I had in my mouth went down instantly, and I choked and spluttered. But no one even noticed; everyone was too busy staring in shock at the bizarre spectacle before their eyes.

As for Roger...his arms were held out helplessly on either side of him, and he was rigid with shock. Then, as suddenly as she had appeared, Luna turned away and swept out of the room without a word, but not before I saw a strange little half-smile on her face as she passed my seat.

After she left, Roger remained immobile, paralyzed, in the middle of the aisle. If I hadn't been as thunderstruck as he was, I would've laughed at him. His eyes were bugging out of his face and he looked like he'd been hit by a train. There was an awkward hush in the room.

"Looks like he won the bet, then," Cedric whispered in disbelief.

Suddenly, there was a loud clatter behind us. I turned in time to see Katie slamming down her fork and running after Luna. The doors of the Great Hall slammed with a loud BANG.

The sound snapped everyone back to reality. People started to whisper, then gasp, then point fingers at Roger, then chatter, then exclaim, then shout until the noise became deafening.

And so the uproar began.

* * *

_Dear Diary,_

_I raced after Luna like my life depended on it. When I caught up to her, I grabbed her by the shoulders and yanked her around._

_"What were you thinking?" I cried. "Are you INSANE?"_

_"Some people think so, yes," Luna replied with a serene smile. _

_"You just killed my campaign!" I ranted. "You gave the enemies exactly what they wanted!" _

_"Enemies? Which ones?" _

_"The BOYS!" I shouted. "You basically handed them what they wanted on a silver platter! You made their day! You made one of them win the bloody BET! What have you got to say for yourself?"_

_"Perhaps, Kathleen, you should reconsider your accusation. One day you will see who the true winner is in this feud." Luna smiled sympathetically, patted my arm in a motherly way, and walked away from me._

_"But...but..." I spluttered. She went on without looking back, and I was left to stare at her in shock for the second time that morning. I couldn't find any words to say, so I uttered the only pathetic statement I could think of:_

_"But my name's not Kathleen!" _

* * *

"Open the bloody door, you twerp!" 

The second-year Ravenclaw, trembling in his shoes before Flint, muttered the password and the door swung open for us. Diggory frowned at Flint disapprovingly.

"You could've asked politely, you know. We're not even supposed to be in the Ravenclaw tower."

"Big whoop," Flint growled, pushing through the portrait hole. "Let's just get this over with."

"Very tight security they've got, these Ravenclaws," I commented as we went inside. "If all it takes is some bullying to get inside their dormitories..."

"It's against the rules," Diggory snapped. "So don't even think about it."

If any of the Ravenclaws thought it was strange to see the captains of the Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, and Slytherin Quidditch teams walking through their common room with buckets and soapy rags in hand, they didn't say anything about it. Instead, they stared in bewilderment as we barged through, demanded directions to Roger's room, and stormed up the stairs.

"Housekeeping," Flint grunted as he slammed through Roger's door with loud crash. I was in the middle of trying to hold back a laugh, but all amused thoughts fled from my head when my eyes fell upon my best mate's motionless form.

"Roger?" I approached his bed cautiously. "You okay, mate? I know you've been through a lot but... AHHHH!! BLOODY HELL!"

The three of us stared in horror as Roger sat up, eyes heavy and bloodshot, hair out of control and looking like it hadn't been brushed in weeks, and his clothing wrinkled and disheveled.

"Halloween's over, or haven't you noticed?" Cedric exclaimed.

"You look like my grandmother right before she died of dragon pox," Flint commented, ever so helpfully.

"Luna kissed me," Roger croaked hollowly.

"Oh, so _that's_ what this is all about!" Cedric proclaimed knowingly, as if he'd received some kind of epiphany. "Why didn't you say so?"

"Look, mate, I know it must've been a terrible experience to be kissed by Luna Lovegood, but you didn't have to take it _this _badly!" I sat beside Roger on the bed. "You won the bet! So what's the matter?"

"I don't know!" Roger moaned, falling back on his pillow. He waved his arms pathetically at us. "Go away!"

"We're here to clean your room top to bottom, as promised," I stated. "What do you want us to do first?"

"Huh?" Roger lifted his head. "Oh, I dunno. Start with the windows, I guess. And maybe pick up all the junk on the floor. You can make my roommates' beds. But _don't touch mine!" _His head slumped back onto his pillow.

Diggory, Flint, and I exchanged a glance. As losers of the bet, this wasn't what we'd been expecting at all. Had _we _won, we knew we'd be ordering the others around without mercy, working their arses off all day. And we knew Roger _normally _would've been the same way. So what had crawled up his arse and died, then, to put him in such a condition?

We finished sooner than we'd expected – probably because we wanted to get out of this doom-filled room as quickly as possible.

"Roger, anything else you want us to do?" I asked hesitatingly. There was no answer. I tiptoed over to his bed and peered at Roger. He was fast asleep, looking incredibly exhausted and worn out.

"I guess that's a yes, then," Flint grunted. "Let's get out of here."

"Well _that _was weird!" Cedric mused once we were safely out of the Ravenclaw tower. "Do you think Luna gave him some kind of... I don't know, _disease?_"

"That's disgusting!" I gagged. "Don't even _think _that!"

"Just wondering," Cedric shrugged. "You never know. But I guess the whole kissing scandal put a toll on him. I mean, gossip was spreading like wildfire today about him and Luna. I don't blame him for being stressed out."

"I suppose. But who knew he'd take it so badly?"

"I don't know, mate. I hope he snaps out of this mood, though, or even more rumors will start flying once the school sees him like this."

"The apology," Flint suddenly muttered.

_"What?"_

"The written apology," he grunted. "Weren't we suppose to give that to the girls?"

"Oh!" Cedric smacked his forehead. "I totally forgot! I'll go do it now." He raced off, presumably to the owlery.

"Good thinking," I congratulated Flint. "What made you remember it?"

"The fact that I _almost _considered apologizing to Davies for coming up with this bet," he replied. "But I changed my mind."

"Oh? Why?"

"This is all TOO FUNNY!"

* * *

_Dear Misses Abbott, __Bell__, and Bulstrode,_

_We sincerely apologize for the childish wager we devised some time ago that rather unfortunately involved you. We were being unthinking, immature, and rash, and words cannot say how much we presently regret our senseless decision. If there was anything we could do to undo the damage our misdemeanors have caused, we would do it instantly and without hesitation. Yet, unfortunately, since that is impossible even in the magic world, we would like to extend this sincere and heartfelt written apology to you. _

_If you have any question as to why we are addressing this letter to the three of you, and not Miss Lovegood as well, it is because we feel that you were the most affected by our foolishness, whereas Miss Lovegood did not seem particularly concerned. We apologize if you found our actions offensive against the female sex, but please be aware that we had no intention whatsoever to make a derogatory statement against your gender. _

_Therefore, please reconsider your decision to remain wrathful against our entire sex. If it is anyone's fault, it is only ours, and it is unjust for the remainder of the members in our sex to feel the consequences of our actions. Yet on the other hand, we would greatly appreciate it if you would extend your forgiveness to the four of us as well, and for that we would be eternally grateful. _

_Most respectfully yours,_

_Messrs. Davies, Diggory, __Flint__, and Wood_

* * *

_Dear Messrs. Davies, Diggory, __Flint__, and Wood,_

_We regret to inform you _–_ actually, we do NOT regret to inform you _–_ that we have unanimously agreed to reject your apology. You were utterly correct in calling yourself "unthinking, immature, and completely self-absorbed," and we would like to assist you in extending your list by suggesting you add "presumptuous," "egotistical," and "idiotic" to it. _

_Additionally, we strongly feel it was inconsiderate of you to not extend your apology to Miss Lovegood as well. Just because she does not appear as upset as we are by your actions does not imply that she has not been "affected" by your stupidity. Obviously, your folly addled her brain in some way, shape, or form; otherwise, she would not have been so senseless to kiss that nobhead whom you refer to as Mr. Davies. _

_You were right in claiming all blame for your "misdemeanors" _– _for all the fault is truly yours and yours alone _– _but we feel that if you are supposedly some of the most admired and respected representatives of your gender at this school, then your entire sex is not to be trusted, and our campaign will continue until we are convinced otherwise. _

_And as for sending us a written apology instead of having the balls to confront us face to face...you are all PANSIES! _

_Most respectfully NOT yours,_

_Misses Abbott, __Bell__, and Bulstrode_

* * *

_Dear Diary, _

_The boys sent us the most ridiculous apology note imaginable. We sent one promptly back, obviously. If they don't have the balls to apologize face-to-face, they won't have our forgiveness. Not that they truly care if they have it or not, those stupid empty-headed gits. _

_And so we revived the spirit of our campaign with more fervor than ever today, and you won't believe what happened as a result... _

"Join the campaign against men!"

"Show them who's _really _boss around here!"

"Girls rule, boys drool." This last line was grunted by Millicent, who was dragging her feet around the hallway, wildly waving her wooden sign depicting a man being beheaded by a female executioner. (The sign was a little out-of-hand, and I told her so, but she only scowled and demanded, "Who's side are you _really _on, then, Bell?" I shut up immediately.)

She, Hannah, and I were picketing in front of the Great Hall. Passers-by either laughed at us or sported a "Oh my gosh, _this _spells the end of their social lives!" look on their faces. Still, we were getting attention, and that's what we were aiming for in the first place.

Now, if you ever want to have anyone try to steal the spotlight from you, hire Taylor Somers. Because that's exactly what she did – she appeared with her cronies waving banners, carrying posters, and handing out pins to everyone…

…Which was exactly what WE were doing!

"Would you like a pin, Katie?" she smirked. She held one out to me:

**Don't worry, boys  
Our arms are wide open  
_WE_ still love you!**

"Would you like another hair-pulling, Taylor?" I replied sweetly. A sour look appeared on her face.

"No, I wouldn't," she seethed through clenched teeth.

"Good, 'cause that's exactly how I feel about your pins."

"Think you're clever, Katie Bell?" she sneered. "The entire school thinks you've gone insane!"

"_We're _insane? Because we see the truth?" Hannah piped up, looking horribly embarrassed but trying to be as brave as possible. I wanted to hug her right then and there.

Taylor snorted. "Truth? About what? You're campaigning against an _entire _sex! The truth is – you're all abnormal man-haters who are probably…probably…lesbians!"

Hannah drew in a quick breath, and I heard Millicent growl in protest. _"Lesbians?" _Hannah whispered, horrified. "Oh my gosh."

"That's right," Taylor smirked, thinking she'd just scored major points. "What do you have to say about that?" She was looking at Hannah, but I could tell by the way she fired her question that it was directly solely towards me.

"What do I have to say? Hmm…" I pondered, pretending to think. "What about…oh...THIS?" I whipped my wand toward Taylor's chest and aimed a spell at it.

Immediately, the words on the pin fastened to her robes began to shimmer, then change. In only seconds, the word "arms" had changed to "legs" on the pin, _completely _altering its meaning:

**Don't worry, boys  
Our legs are wide open  
_WE_ still love you! **

"Oi, nice trick, Bell!" cheered a cute Ravenclaw boy I knew to be in seventh year. I almost smiled at him; that is, until I remembered I was at war with his entire sex.

"You… you BITCH!" Taylor spluttered in outrage.

"It's fitting, though, isn't it?" I responded smugly. "Amazing how the truth makes itself apparent in these situations."

"Are you calling me a SLUT?" she shrieked, becoming tomato red. Meanwhile, the gathering that had begun to grow around us had become a huge crowd of students eager for a fight.

"Oh, Taylor, how could you even _think _that I would say that about you?" I exclaimed, putting a hand on my chest and looking horrified. "You break my poor wittle heart."

"You _freak!_" she screamed. I saw it only a split second before it happened – she launched herself toward me and I ducked just in time. She went flying to the floor, hitting her head on the hard marble.

"OW!" she wailed. She recovered faster than I expected her too, though, because she grabbed my ankles and yanked hard, sweeping my feet out from under me. I fell to the ground with a loud crash.

I'm not exactly quite sure what happened, but everyone claims they could hardly tell who was who on the floor, because our robes were flying all over the place and we were kicking and screaming and biting and scratching like vicious girls do in a typical catfight. But whatever happened, I do know it wasn't pretty.

"GIRLS!" McGonagall appeared on the scene screaming herself hoarse. "How COULD you?" She managed to make her way into the fray and drag us apart. Taylor had a bloody nose and what would become a very nasty black eye. I had managed to get a scratch across my face – probably from those damned long manicured talons of hers.

"Aren't you ASHAMED of yourself, behaving in this fashion?" McGonagall bellowed. "Detention for both of you!"

"Aww, let 'em go, it was a good fight!" one boy shouted from the back of the crowd.

"And whoever just said that can join them, if I ever find out who it was!" McGonagall snapped. "As of now, all forms of violent protest are strictly forbidden. Obviously, the school cannot ban student protests entirely, but I will see to it that any that end up like _this _one are terminated immediately. Now, follow me, you two."

Taylor and I trudged behind McGonagall, trying our best to look cool, collected, and entirely unaffected by this matter. That is, however, until we arrived at McGonagall's office, where she informed us that:

"Both of you have detention until the holidays."

_"Until the holidays?" _Taylor and I wailed together. I think that was the only time we ever agreed on something – detention lasting all the way 'til winter break is a _bummer_.

"Until the holidays," McGonagall repeated firmly. "And neither of you will go on the last Hogsmeade trip before school lets out for Christmas. I do hope you enjoy dusting trophies and cleaning out toilets."

"Oh, no!" Taylor moaned. "It'll ruin my hands!" She extended her slim, white, manicured hands toward McGonagall.

"Most likely. Now I want to see you both promptly after dinner for your first detention tomorrow night. _Or else!"_

Taylor left, grumbling. I was about to leave as well when McGonagall spoke:

"Katie."

"Yes, Professor?" I replied meekly.

"I'm very ashamed of you. As Head of this House, it disappoints me to see a Gryffindor act in such a despicable fashion."

"I'm sorry to let you down, Professor," I muttered, hanging my head in shame. "I shouldn't have done it."

"As long as you've learned a lesson from this."

"Yes, Professor, and that is to avoid getting in a fight with a girl with long nails."

McGonagall's mouth twitched, and I was _almost _positive that a smile was on the corner of her lips, but I never got to see it because Oliver barged into the door just then.

"Professor, I feel I am partially to blame for this whole mess," he said breathlessly, as if he'd just run up the stairs to her office.

"Oh?" McGonagall raised an eyebrow.

"Well…." He squirmed uncomfortably. "Katie wouldn't have been protesting had it not been for something…something _stupid_ that a bunch of us did to anger her."

"Care to give the details, Wood?" she queried.

"Not really, Professor. But basically all I'm saying is that it wasn't Katie's fault, and I think you should lighten the load of her punishment."

"How so?"

Yeah, seriously. What are you doing to screw up my life _now_, Wood?

"I dunno." He shifted from one foot to another uneasily. "Maybe instead of cleaning out toilets, maybe she could…I dunno…help me clean out the Quidditch shed? It's been a mess for years now."

McGonagall thought for a moment. "I think that's a reasonable request," she said at last, "considering that the shed really _is _a mess, now that I'm thinking about it. It would probably be just as difficult cleaning it out as it would be to scrub toilets."

"But a lot less smellier," Oliver said, giving me the smallest hint of a smile. I didn't smile back.

"Yes, indeed." McGonagall turned to me. "Well, Miss Bell, what have you got to say to your Captain?"

"Thank you," I muttered, clenching my jaw.

"Well, that's that, then," McGonagall said. "You're free to go. But the Hogsmeade trip is still most _definitely _out of the question, Katie."

"Yes, Professor," I sighed, leaving the room. As soon as the door shut behind us, I whirled upon Oliver. "Okay, what tricks do you have up your sleeve _now_, Wood?" I snarled.

His eyes widened, presumably in shock. "Tricks? _What? _I was only trying to help you, Bell!"

"Bullshit!" I snapped. "What do you _really _want? A snog in the broomshed? Or should I give you the whole package and have a quick shag with you in there too?"

"WHAT?" he exclaimed.

"Newsflash: My trust in you after the bet is about nil!"

"Newflash: I was only trying to do you a _FAVOR!"_ he snapped, getting angry.

"What, as a way of indirectly apologizing to me?" I retorted. "Too chicken to say it to my face? And I thought that written apology was bad enough!"

"That was Cedric's idea," he seethed.

"Tell him to think of better ones, because that was just PATHETIC."

"I'm sorry, okay?" Oliver snapped. "Maybe that's why we put it off, 'cause we knew you'd bite our heads off like this."

"You mean the way you deserve?" I shrieked. "And who gave _you_ the right to just barge into McGonagall's office like that and… and try to _apologize _for something that _I _did?"

"I felt indirectly responsible for your actions!" Oliver yelled. "I was putting the blame on myself!"

"So you're apologizing for something you feel I did wrong, even though I myself don't think it was wrong at all?" I shouted.

"No, now you're just twisting my words around!"

The door suddenly opened, and McGonagall popped her head out. "Can we resolve our conflicts elsewhere, please?"

"Oh, we were discussing whether the side effect of consuming a pixie egg is a burning rash or bloodshot eyes," I said sweetly, plastering a cheerful smile on my face. "I think it's the burning rash, and he think it's the bloodshot eyes."

McGonagall raised her eyebrows. "Oh. I see. Well, keep it quiet. And it's the burning rash, by the way." She closed the door.

"Ha! I win!" I said smugly.

"You _chose _my answer for me!" Oliver snapped. "I had no say!"

"You're a sore loser," I retorted. "End of discussion." I walked away before I could throttle him to death, which was precisely what I felt like doing.

I stormed into Gryffindor common room and threw myself on a sofa, wanting to scream. Fred walked by whistling, but he stopped when he saw the sour look on my face.

"Aw, Kates, what's wrong? Tell 'ol Fred." He flopped down beside me.

"In case you haven't noticed, I've been campaigning against your entire sex for an entire week now," I muttered darkly, shooting him a glare.

"Aye, but I don't count, do I? I'm a girl at heart."

I tried not to, but I ended up smiling. "Not just at heart; I know you secretly wear women's underwear."

"Oi, I was hoping nobody'd find out about that!" Fred gasped, slapping his forehead dramatically. "My secret's out!"

"Oh, Fred….You're good for me."

"I've been worried about you, girl." He ruffled my hair. "You've had a rough week."

"Yes, I have." I sighed. "I can't wait 'til the holidays so I can just go home and forget this mess."

"Come here, you." Fred wrapped his arms around me and planted a brotherly kiss on my head. "Come upstairs to my room. I've been wanting to talk to you and it's way too noisy in here."

"Lemme guess – you've fancied me for ages and you're pouring our heart to me now?" I teased as we went up the stairs.

"You guessed right again! Merlin, you'll be finding out _all _my secrets at this rate!"

"I suppose I will…." I was just about to tease him again when I saw the corner of an _Angelica's_ bag poking out from his bed. "Oh, Fred, please don't tell me my joke about you wearing women's underclothes is true!"

"Uh, I'll be taking that –" he said uneasily, trying to snatch it from me, but I held on fast.

"I hope this isn't for you!" I joked, reaching inside the bag. "You buy lingerie for Angelina now, huh? A little suggestive, isn't it?"

"Uh, Katie, this isn't…you shouldn't –"

I pulled out a note. "Wait. Why is this addressed to _me?"_

"DON'T!"

"_Dearest Katie,_ _I hope I'm not being too presumptuous by saying this…but I'd love for you to wear this tonight. Love, Zach." _

Awkward silence.

"WHAT?" I shrieked. "Bloody hell, what IS this abomination?"

"I…I found it in the locker room, Katie," Fred stammered. "Zach obviously meant for you to receive it, but I knew it'd make you upset, so I hid it…."

"So that's why he wants nothing to do with me lately," I spat out, holding back tears. "Because he wanted to me to have this. Because he wants me to sleep with him."

A horrified look appeared on Fred's face. "No! That's not what he meant…"

"And boys really ARE horrible!" I was becoming increasingly hysterical.

"Katie! Stop!"

"And that's all that blokes want – to get into our knickers!"

"KATIE!"

But I was beyond the point of rationality; I sprinted down the stairs of the boys' dormitory, up the stairs of the girls', and straight to my room. There, I let out all the emotions that had been bottled up within me for the past few days…

_Diary, they say my scream shook the entire foundation of the __Gryffindor_ _Tower__ that night. _

* * *

Practice was awful today. Katie stayed for ten minutes, suddenly decided she didn't feel like playing, and walked out without a word. There was no enthusiasm in our team anymore. We were just like…a great big puddle of…dead mud. 

Even though mud can't be…dead.

I came out of the showers feeling drained of all physical and mental capacity. I was just in the middle of toweling off my hair when my eyes fell on a small square-ish shaped book on the floor.

I picked it up. There was nothing written on the dark green leather face of the book, so I turned to the front page.

There, in big, bold letters was the following inscription:

**THIS DIARY IS THE PROPERTY OF  
_KATIE BELL  
_TOUCH THIS AND YOU DIE.**


	19. You Gotta Give Up Once in a While

I sincerely apologize if I don't get around to sending review replies to all you lovely reviewers. Just know that I really DO appreciate the time you put in to leave a review, and I love you all so much for it.

This chapter is written in Katie's POV. Sorry to break the continuity of us getting her POV through her diary entries, but since Oliver has her diary (and she doesn't know it's missing yet), this was the only way I could do it.

Very short, filler-type chappie. Sorry!

**Chapter 19**

"Katie. _Katie!"_

"Ew. It's a man. Go away," I snapped, shooing Cedric away with my hands.

"Katie, listen," he said, tugging my sleeve. _"Please."_

It was the 'please' that got me.

"Fine. What is it?"

"I'm sorry. I really, truly am." He looked very sincere, but I raised my eyebrows skeptically.

"So you're trying this approach now that your lame written apology tactic failed miserably?"

"That was stupid," Cedric admitted. "I really do regret that. I wish I'd spoken to you sooner."

"Too little too late, hmm?" I started to walk away.

"Katie, _please," _he pleaded. "It's been tugging at my conscience for the longest time. I feel so terrible about the whole thing, and I wish I could get you to believe me. I'm sorry."

"You mean it?" I said slowly.

"I do. More than I can say."

...pause...

Awww! Those big brown puppy eyes! Who can resist those eyes?

...another pause...

His man-charms have won me over, haven't they? Bollocks.

"Fine," I sighed. "To tell the truth, this campaign's wearing me out and I don't think my anger can hold out much longer. It was mostly Roger and Oliver I was mad at, anyway."

"What about Flint?"

"Considering he's got as much value to me as dung heap anyway, I figured he wasn't not worth wasting my wrath on," I replied.

Cedric grinned. "Ah. Very logical."

"Thank you." I smiled.

"Oh! I almost forgot. This is for you." He'd been holding something behind his back all this time, and he held it out to me. "I really hope you won't think I was trying to suck up so you'd forgive me."

"Dear Merlin. Honeydukes' best chocolate!" I gasped, gratefully taking the box.

"I know you had to miss the last Hogsmeade vacation before the holidays, and I thought of you," Cedric explained. "It's not much, I'm afraid..."

"Not much? Look at the size of this thing!" I exclaimed. "Thanks for remembering me," I said, hugging him.

"No problem. Consider it an early Christmas gift." He smiled. "We're good now?"

"Definitely."

"Good." Cedric smiled, looking visibly relieved. "Well, I'm headed off to meet Cho now. See you later!"

I waved goodbye, but as I looked down at the Honeydukes box, I couldn't help but feel disconcerted. I mean, Cedric had just given me the nicest apology ever. That meant at least _one _guy out there wasn't a total asshole. Meaning that my campaign slogan that ALL men are evil no longer held true!

This discouraging thought was flitting about in my mind when I heard my name being shouted for the second time that day.

"Hi, Hannah."

"I need to talk to you," she said breathlessly, pulling me to the side. "And it's not good."

"Uh oh..." I braced myself.

"Well, you see..." Hannah began, nervously. "I don't think I want to be a part of your campaign anymore."

"WHAT?"

"Please don't get mad at me, Katie!" she pleaded, looking terrified.

I sighed. "Sorry, I didn't mean to overreact. I'll hear you out."

"Thanks," she whispered, relieved. "Well, it's just that people laugh at me for being so...so against men. They say it must be because I can't get any boys to be interested in me in the first place." Her eyes welled up with tears. "I'm not a strong girl like you, Katie; gossip like that hurts me. Especially because it's _true!_ I really _can't _get anyone to fancy me and I never will!"

Oh dear Merlin...! I've totaly fucked up this girl's already-nonexistent romantic life. What have I done?

"Hannah, I'm so sorry! I never knew you felt that way!" I cried. "How could I have been so insensitive?"

"Oh, please don't apologize, Katie!" Hannah hiccuped. "I can't have you apologizing to _me! _How can I, when you and Millicent have been my only friends for the past week? For the first time, I felt like I belonged!"

Well, now that's a hell of a story. Me, Hannah Abbott, and Millicent Bulstrode -- suddenly the best of friends? Bloody hell! Was this girl serious? But then again...

I looked down at Hannah's tearstained cheeks and I felt almost nauseous with guilt. I realized I'd only spoken to her for the past week because I needed support for my campaign. I'd been using her all along.

"No, I _should _be apologizing, Hannah," I said firmly. "I shouldn't have involved you in this."

"But it was the boys' fault!" she replied fervently. "They did it by making the bet!"

"But I didn't respond in the right way," I admitted, half-heartedly. "I think we went a little overboard." My confession must've been shocking to her, because I think I was some kind of role model to her for some time now.

"I'll tell you what," I continued, putting an arm around her shoulder. "I want you to come over to my house for New Year's - if you're not doing anything - and we'll start the whole year anew together. How's that?"

Judging by the expression on her face, you'd think I'd given her the moon.

xxx

I trudged up the stairs to the Gryffindor Tower early that evening, exhausted. My head was spinning with my realization -- my campaign was falling apart. First Cedric, now Hannah. I walked through the portrait hole like I had deadweights attached to me.

"Hope you don't mind being kidnapped!"

Before I knew what was going on, I was being swept off my feet, swung upside down over someone's back, and carried up the stairs as my kidnapper charged up to the boys' dormitories. I kicked and screamed, pounding my fists into his back, but it wasn't until I was in his bedroom that he let me go.

"FRED WEASLEY!" I screamed. "WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

"Sit," he commanded. "We're having a talk."

"About?" I asked, flopping onto his bed.

"You." He sat beside me. I sighed, hugging one of his pillows to my chest.

"I get the feeling I'm not going to like this."

"Katie, you can't go on hating all guys. It's completely irrational."

"Are you calling me stupid?" I shouted angrily.

_"IRRATIONAL!"_ he exclaimed. "Did you hear me say 'stupid' at all?"

"No," I pouted.

"Didn't think so. Don't you think it's time to move on? I mean, you can't blame an entire sex for something four people did."

"Cedric apologized," I said randomly.

"How utterly predictable," Fred curled his lip with distaste.

"He got me Honeydukes chocolate, too, when everyone else forgot me during their Hogsmeade trip," I accused.

"So Cedric-esque!" he cried dramatically, holding a hand to his forehead. I giggled and hit him with my pillow. "You're giving up, then?"

My smile faded and I felt dejected once again. "Yes, I'm giving up. Completely. Although it kills me to do it."

"That's my girl." Fred wrapped his arms around me and squeezed. "I worried about you, especially after you ran out of our last conversation."

"That was 'cause of the lingerie," I muttered darkly.

"Well, do us a favor and let's forget about Zach and the lingerie, okay? Or else..." Fred began tickling me.

"AHHH!" I shrieked. "Okay, okay! I forgot about it!"

"Good."

xxx

But I didn't forget about it.

Because everything added up -- Cedric, Hannah, Fred -- everything that they'd said convinced me once and for all that I had to give up my campaign. And giving up my campaign meant I'd finally be going back to my boyfriend.

To whom, I decided, I would give my _all._

* * *

A/N: Yes, by "all," Katie means ALL, if you catch my drift. (She's been sensitive on this subject for a while now, if you remember.) Next chapter's fun, I promise you! 

...No, that does NOT mean there will a graphic R-rated sex scene.


	20. Guess We're Not TOO Old for Sleepovers

YAY! I'm seventeen! I'm legal! ;-)

Okay, this has got to be one of my favorite chappies ever! Trust me, you'll like this one. So please REVIEW!

Legal Disclaimer: The "to love is to suffer" quote is from the movie _Love and Death. _(Which I've never seen, actually, but I fell in love with the quote.)

**Chapter 20**

_Katie's back to normal again, _I thought as I settled into my bed for the night. Once again, she was the popular social butterfly that she had been before the whole bet-and-campaign-against-men fiasco. I had no idea what brought about this change – and I was _very _curious to know – because she gave up her campaign _completely. _And if I know anyone like the back of my hand, it's Katie Bell, and she is _not _one to admit she's wrong and just give up on something.

_So what happened? _I pondered, crossing my arms behind my head on my pillow. My hand brushed against something; I pulled it out and my eyes fell on Katie's diary. I had put it under my pillow earlier, so my roommates wouldn't find it.

Oh, Merlin. What a sly bitch Temptation is. I touched the soft leather cover, wanting so badly to open it.

Just a tiny peek...

"NO!" I shouted. "No, Oliver, BAD!"

"Uhhh, Wood?" one of my roommates looked over at me. "You all right, mate?"

"Er...yeah," I stamered. "Uh...just thinking about what I'd do with this other bloke's girlfriend."

"I know exactly what you mean," he replied, grinning, then went back to his Quidditch magazine.

_Whew! _I wiped the sweat from my brow. _Close call, Wood! _

I shoved the diary back under the pillow. I couldn't do it, after all. It would be dishonorable, and I wasn't that kind of person.

* * *

_More nervous than I could possibly have imagined, I wrapped my robe close to my body and shivered outside the door, just standing there. Luckily, I'd met a friend at the portrait outside, and she had let me in. Ignoring her questions about why I was in the Ravenclaw tower at eleven o'clock on a Friday night, I climbed the stairs to the boys' dormitories. But now that I was actually there, I was thinking this was all a big mistake..._

_But before I could change my mind, the door flew open._

_"Oi, there's someone here to see you, mate!"_ _I recognized him as one of my boyfriend's roommates. I peered into the room. A whole flock of boys were in there, and if the loud laughter and bottles held in their hands meant anything, they were riproaring drunk._

_"Katie?" Zach came to the doorway, incredulous. "What are you doing here?" _

_"I think I made a mistake coming here," I whispered, dying inside. I hadn't even considered the possibility that he wouldn't be alone. _

_"No, you didn't," he replied firmly. "I missed you." His lips locked on mine and he pulled me inside. _

_The door shut behind us. _

* * *

The pounding on the door had been going on for what seemed liked hours, and whoever it was didn't seem to want to stop. 

"I am going to _KILL _whoever's out there," I growled as I crawled out of my warm bed. I glanced my watch; it read 1:10 am. "Bloody hell, are you _serious?_" I groaned.

I dragged my feet toward the door, glancing over at my roommates. They were all fast asleep, thank Merlin.

_"What_ do you want?" I snapped as I swung the door open.

"HI, OLIVER!"

_"Katie?" _

I rubbed my eyes, but I wasn't dreaming. Indeed, it was Katie Bell, standing in my doorway at one o'clock in the morning, looking so cheerful I thought the huge smile she was wearing would split her face in two.

"HOW ARE YOU?"

"Are you bloody_ insane?"_ I whispered fiercely. "Do you realize what time it is?"

"I DON'T KNOW, BUT I'M FEELING GREAT! ISN'T IT WONDERFUL TO BE ALIVE?"

"Bloody hell, girl, if Percy wakes up right now, I'm toast!"

"TOAST? I'D _LOVE _SOME!"

"Merlin's beard!" I grabbed her wrists and pulled her through the doorway, closing the door quietly. "Are you _drunk?"_

"DRUNK ON LIFE, YOU BETCHA! WEEEEEEE!"

_"Silencio!" _I aimed my wand at her yabbering mouth. "Sorry to do that, but you can't wake up my roommates!" Her mouth kept stretching, opening and closing, as if she didn't even know she couldn't talk. I picked her up, sighing, and dumped her on my bed. I shut the bedcurtains around us.

"_Now, _you can talk," I said, removing the charm from Katie.

"OH WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MORNING!" she sang at the top of her lungs. Her breath reeked of firewhiskey.

"You're completely wasted!" I moaned, smacking my forehead.

"Oi, Oliver! What's all the fuss? Have you got a _girl _with you?" The pompous voice was nasally, accusing, and very suspicious. Sounded like none other than my dear friend Percy Weasley.

"You need to keep your mouth _shut_, lassie, or I'll get my head chopped off, 'kay?" I warned Katie sternly.

"Off with your head!" she sang merrily. With a sigh, I put the silencing charm back on her.

"Don't do anything stupid, okay?" I ordered before poking my head out of the curtains. "Hey, Percy."

"What _IS _all that noise?" he demanded. "Do you realize what time it is?"

"It's just the penguins, Perce," I replied hastily.

"Huh," he snorted. "I'll only buy that once, Oliver. You used that excuse already!"

"I did _not!" _I protested, pretending to be flabbergasted. "What are you talking about?"

"That time I woke up with _Bighead Boy _tooth-pasted on my chest!" he said huffily. "You said it was the armed penguins from Scotland Yard!"

Oh yeah. I'd forgotten about that.

"Well, the armed penguins from Scotland Yard have come back," I replied, keeping a straight face.

"When I wake up tomorrow, you'd better hope I'll think this whole ordeal was a dream," Percy growled, closing his bedcurtains. "Or _nightmare, _rather."

I shut my own bedcurtains also, placing a charm on them to keep them soundproof, then removed the silencing charm on Katie.

"What was that?"

"Percy being a ponce. Now where was I? Oh yeah – my lecture. Katie, you hardly ever drink! Why start tonight?" I reprimanded harshly. "Who were you with?"

"Zach," she murmured. "All those Ravenclaw boys, yummm."

"Ravenclaw? What the hell were you doing there?" I yelled. "How many boys were there?" She counted on her fingers, mumbling.

"Umm...one, two, three, eleventy-nine, five thousand six...eight. Eight!"

"_You were drunk around EIGHT BOYS? _What the hell were you THINKING?" I shouted, feeling faint. "Are you bloody serious?"

"Serious as Sirius can be!" she sang, giggling as madly as Lavender Brown does whenever she walks by anything wearing trousers. "WEEEEE!"

"Get a GRIP on yoursef!" I yelled. "Katie, how could you be so STUPID?"

"Katie's sorry she's stupid," she murmured, suddenly quiet. "Katie thought she was ready for sex but she wasn't."

_"What?"_ I was immediately concerned. "Did anything happen?"

"Zach passed out. Someone tried to feel me up and I hit him in the head with a bottle. Must've hurt. Oops!"

"Katie!" I cried, gripping her shoulders. "Tell me -- did anyone hurt you? Because I'll KILL him--"

"No. I ran out of there and came here."

"Why?"

"I dunno. I thought I'd be..._safe_ with you." She bit her lip. "Was Katie very stupid tonight?"

"A bit. But she did the right thing by coming to me." I put my arms around her. "You're always safe with me."

"I know..." she murmured, leaning against me. She sighed heavily.

"Tired?"

"Not at all."

Suddenly, Katie's lips were on mine and she was kissing me deeply. It hit me that the unthinkable was happening, the thing I'd always wanted. But it was so totally _wrong _because she wasn't even sober to know what she was doing! I was frantically trying to sort my jumbled thoughts when, before I knew it, Katie stuck her tongue in my mouth.

"Katie Bell, that's ENOUGH!" I pulled away roughly. "What are you DOING?"

"Mmm, you taste nice," she murmured dreamily, a silly smile on her face.

"Katie, sober up!" I slapped her cheeks. "Where's the Katie I know who totally hates me right now?"

"Aww…how can Katie Watie hate Ollie Wollie?" she pouted childishly.

"Trust me, Katie Watie _can _hate Ollie Wollie," I responded woefully. "A _lot_."

"Wood, lemme tell you something very important about life," she said, slinging an arm around my neck. She leaned close as if I were her confidante. "You might want a quill and parchment for this."

"I'm sure whatever you have to say is so important, I'll remember it," I sighed.

"To love is to suffer, my man," Katie preached, sounding for all the world like an old professor with a lifetime of knowledge. "To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love, to be happy then is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. Are you getting me?"

"Every word, Katie, every word. You were _totally _coherent."

"Thank you! I try."

"There's this thing called sarcasm…."

"Whazzat?"

"Never mind," I sighed.

"I'm a tiger! Rawr!" Katie suddenly growled, her hand forming a claw. She pawed at me.

"Yes, Katie, you're a tiger," I reassured her while trying to fend her off. "You're whatever you want to be."

"Even a depressed homosexual mime living in a cardboard box in the streets of Timbuktu?"

"Even that. Whatever you want to be, Katie, I'll always be there for you."

"I don't want to be depressed homosexual mime living in a cardboard box in the streets of Timbuktu."

"You don't have to be."

"You're a nice gent, Wood, you are." Katie rested her head on my shoulder.

"And you're a nice lass, Katie," I replied softly, putting my arm around her. "When you're not being hardheaded."

"_OLIVER!"_

"Yeah?" I winced, prepared for a verbal beating for calling her stubborn.

"Huh. I like your name. _Oll_-liver. Hey! That's kinda like 'all liver.' Get it? All liver? LET'S EAT _ALL _THE _LIVER_!" Katie threw her head back and giggled madly.

"Katie, promise me you'll never, _ever_ drink again," I groaned. "You're out of control."

"You've got THAT right, buster! Hmm, it's a little hot in here, isn't it?"

"Oh, Merlin! Katie, do _not_ take off your robes here. Katie? KATIE! Katie, I…"

_Sweet. Merciful. Heavens._

"It's the lingerie Zach got me," she grinned lopsidedly. "Real nice of him, huh? The jackass. What was I _thinking _earlier tonight?"

I couldn't give her an answer even if I wanted to. The sight of her wearing that…that _thing_ did things to me that I can't even explain. So let's just skip the explanation, shall we?

"What exactly were you DOING in the Ravenclaw tower?" I yelled, leaping away and covering my eyes. Strangely enough, _I _was the one blushing tomato red.

"Nothing. Which is good. I wouldn't touch Zacharias Smith with a ten-foot pole!"

"Good!" I squeaked. "Let's keep it that way. Now can you _please _put your robes on before I…"

"Before you what?" Katie crawled over to me, her voice suddenly seductive.

"Dear Merlin! Do NOT touch me!" I scooted away from her as fast as I could.

"Might as well put this ridiculous outfit to good use, hmm?" By this time, I'd backed up all the way to the headboard of the bed. Katie saw the look of panic on my face and laughed. "Got nowhere to hide? _Good."_

Katie pulled me to her by the front of my pajamas. Then she kissed me again, and this time I couldn't – or _wouldn't _– do anything to stop her.

_(Disclaimer: _We will not go into detail at this point because Mr. Wood is not particularly fond of letting strangers know the intimate details of his love life. Or maybe it is the fact that the author is unwilling to describe an intense snogging scene. But in any case, both Mr. Wood and the author invite you to use your imaginations if need be. Yours truly, the author and Oliver Wood.)

"Bollocks! This isn't right!" I protested, yanking myself away. "Your sober self totally hates me right now!"

"My inebriated self doesn't know it, though," she replied coquettishly.

"It's just so wrong," I said, shaking my head. "Tomorrow you'll wake up and find yourself hating me for everything and somehow I have the feeling I'll get the blame for it all."

Katie leaned against my pillow, her eyes half-closed. "Oliver, even if I _wanted _to tell you half the things I feel about you, I wouldn't be able to."

"You fancy the pants off me?" I asked hopefully.

"No," she laughed.

"Oh. You still hate me."

"No. I can't explain what I'm trying to say – I have no idea how I feel about you. Love, hate, jealousy, appreciation, disgust, respect…they're all jumbled up into one big…_clump_ of emotions."

"I never knew that," I said quietly, looking away. "All this time I thought it was just hate, because of all the bad things you thought I did to you. But whatever I did, Katie, it was always with the best intentions, as hard as that may be to believe. And honestly, I think you secretly know that. You know I couldn't ever do anything to hurt you. I've known you for so long now, and you're almost like family to me…except that would be kind of weird because if you were a sister to me, I'd be committing incest by being this ridiculously attracted to you…huh. Never saw it in that light before….

"But anyway that's not that point. The point is that I really do care about you, Katie Bell. More than you think. And it's such a shame that by the time you wake up tomorrow, you won't even remember what I'm saying, Katie…. _Katie? _Oh, bloody hell…."

She was fast asleep. She probably wasn't awake for even _half _my speech!

I sighed. Well at least I tried, right? I lifted her up a little to pull the covers out from beneath her, then I tucked her in. She was _gone_ – she was snoring by the time I finished. I slipped under the covers as well, spooning her from behind. I pulled her close to me, resting my chin against her shoulder.

"Good night, Katie," I whispered. All I got in response was a soft snore.

I fell asleep with an amused smile on my face, because it surprised even me that I was so in love with a girl as crazy as Katie Bell.

* * *

A/N: Review, review, REVIEW! Pretty please? 


	21. Tis the Season to be Jolly

Thank you all _so _much for the reviews. Some of you are so genuinely nice and considerate, and I am really touched by the things you say. This is especially why I'm so sorry I can't do review replies all the time. Please know that I really do appreciate your reviews, even though I don't have the time to respond to them. Thanks again!

Summary for those who need it:_ So Katie totally gives up the campaign & turns up in Zacharias' room, thinking she's ready for sex, but it turns out he's drinking with a bunch of his buddies. She shows up at one o'clock at Oliver's room, totally drunk, waking Percy up with her loud singing and shouting. Oliver has to convince Percy it's the armed penguins from Scotland Yard. Then Katie and Oliver do some talking, Katie suddenly gets seductive, some serious snogging gets done, but then Oliver (being the gentleman he is) comes to his senses. Then he starts professing his love for her, but Katie has already conked out. Typical._

And here is the next installment of the ridiculously dramatic relationship between Oliver Wood and Katie Bell!

**Chapter 21**

It's a blessed moment when the first thing you see when you open your eyes is a the girl you love in bed beside you. It doesn't matter that her mouth is half-open and she's snoring softly, or that you've lost all feeling in your arm because it is trapped underneath her, or that you're still sore from the time she kicked you between the legs in her sleep. The only thing that matters is how peaceful she looks, with her hair all tousled on your pillow like that, and how much you find yourself falling more in love with her. And then, her eyelids flicker open, and her eyes look into yours, and...

...she screams bloody murder.

"WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING IN YOUR BED?"

Bloody hell! Talk about screaming banshees! Sheesh.

"I dunno, you tell me," I said, as she sat up fast. "You're the one who strolled in at one o'clock in the morning."

"I did _not!" _Katie gasped. "Who do you think you are?"

"The person whose bed you invaded?"

"Ohmigosh. You abducted me!" She stabbed a finger at my chest. "You... you tried to take advantage of me!"

"WHAT?" I shouted, furious. "Funny how you say that, considering it was _you _who was all over me last night! _I _was the one who had to push you away!"

"Ooh, you did NOT just say that!" she seethed, her fists pounding my pillow. "You filthy lying git, I could just...bloody hell, _what am I doing in this ridiculous lingerie?_ Did you... _dress _me in this?... You DID, didn't you?"

"Okay, that's it!" I fumed. "I take you in for the night and I tuck you in after you get totally trashed in the Ravenclaw tower around eight boys and you're rambling about being a depressed homosexual living in a cardboard box in Timbuktu, and this is the thanks I get?"

Blank stare.

"Bloody hell, how do you come up with this stuff?" she demanded furiously.

"Ask your own twisted mind!" I raged. "Because _I _certainly don't have the answer!"

"This makes no sense! I was in my room last night, and I..." Katie thought aloud frantically. "Dear Merlin. I think _I _put on the lingerie under my robes!"

Duh.

"Then I went to the Ravenclaw dormitories...Zach's roommate opened the door...I walked in...everyone was getting really, really drunk..." She stopped, her mouth open. "Bloody hell," she whispered. "What happened after that?"

"Dear Zacharias passed out, someone tried to feel you up, you hit him with a bottle, and then you ran to me for some reason."

"Ew, why would I run to you? Wait, someone tried to feel me up?... It was that wanker John! How _dare _he? I'm going to KILL him! Ow!" Katie toppled backwards onto a pillow.

"What is it?" I asked, immediately concerned.

"Dear Merlin, I'm feeling the king of all hangovers," she moaned, clutching her head.

"Foolish girl," I muttered, starting to climb over her so I could grab her a glass of water or something. But it was just like Katie to misinterpret my intentions.

"Get off me! You pervert! Were you all over me last night, too, huh?" she shrieked.

"I was going to get you a glass of water!" I snapped.

"Does that mean something sexual?"

"NO!"

She slapped me. Hard.

"That's it!" I fumed, grabbing her arms. "If you think you can just make assumptions when it was _you _who barged in here so drunk you couldn't walk straight..."

"Let go of me!" Katie shrieked, trying to get out from under me.

"No. You're staying put until you listen to what _really _happened!"

Suddenly (I don't know how she did it), Katie flipped me over. "Think you're so high-and-mighty, Mr. Wood?" she sneered. Her smirk disappeared, however, as I pushed her off and pinned her down once more.

"Yes, I do!" I said triumphantly. And so began our wrestling match. Pillows went flying, my sheets clung to my bed for dear life until at last they fell to the floor, and all the while Katie and I were exchanging insults and yelling at each other.

It all ended, suddenly, when Katie's head crashed into the headboard.

"OW!" she screamed in pain for the second time. _What a way to cure a hangover_, I was thinking wryly as she moaned in pain, when suddenly the bedcurtains flew open.

_"AHA!"_

"BLOODY HELL!"

Dear Merlin. I was lying on top of Katie, Katie was wearing naught but a very revealing piece of lingerie, I was panting heavily, and Katie was moaning. How to explain this?

_HOW? _

"It's not at all what it looks like!" I said frantically.

Percy raised his eyebrows and crossed his arms. "I knew it wasn't the penguins last night," he said smugly. "Breaking a few rules around here, Wood?"

"There's no rule banning girls from staying the night in the boys' dormitories!" I argued.

"Aha!" he said again, triumphantly. "So you admit that this girl stayed the night with you?"

"Her name is Katie," I said through gritted teeth. "And I took her in because of very..._unusual..._circumstances."

"Oh, I _bet _they were unusual," Percy smirked. "Well, I'll just have you know that I'll pardon this offense once. But this better not become a habit, bringing girls into your room late at night..."

"Oh, for crying out loud!" I shouted, exasperated. "Can you just let me explain?"

"Nothing to explain, mate," he said pompously. "I just hope you know about the consequences of unprotected sex. Don't want your future going down the drain because of one foolish mistake, you know." And he left the room before I could say anything else.

I gaped at the door Percy had just closed. I couldn't believe it. What a pompous prat he was!

"Can you _believe_ what he was implying?" I fumed, turning to Katie. I'd been surprised she hadn't said anything in her defense during the interrogation, but in an instant, I realized why.

She had found her diary.

* * *

_Dear Diary,_

_OLIVER WOOD HAD IT THE ENTIRE TIME! _

_I can't believe it. I found it under his pillow and I stared at it for the longest time. I didn't even hear what Percy said (what had he been saying?). My hand is shaking as I write this, because I still can't believe this diary had been missing and I hadn't even had the sense to realize it..._

xxx

"Bloody hell," Oliver muttered under his breath. "Katie, I can explain..."

"What are you doing with my diary?"

"I found it in the locker room! I was planning to give it back, I swear, but you've been avoiding me..."

"You read it, didn't you? ADMIT IT!"

"I didn't!" There was a look of horror on his face. "Katie, I swear I didn't, you have to believe me-"

"Well, I _don't!" _I snapped. "I _know _you read it!"

"Are you questioning my morals?" Oliver narrowed his eyes. "Do you think I'm the kind of person to just read other people's personal stuff? You think I'm that low, Katie?"

"Shut up! I hate you!" I screamed, throwing my robes around me and storming toward the door. "Oh bollocks," I muttered angrily as I entered the hallway; I realized that in my haste to leave the room, I had forgotten to bring my wand. But there was no way in hell I was going back to get it and face HIM.

I stormed through the hallway, stomping my feet, and it was no wonder that I collided into none other than the Weasley twins.

"Oi, Katie!" George exclaimed in surprise as my nose crashed into his shoulder. "What're you doing up here at this hour?"

"Funny..." Fred said slowly, examining my tousled hair and wrinkled robes. "It rather looks like you spent the night up here!"

"I did _not!"_ I retorted hotly, feeling my cheeks burn up.

"She DID!" George crowed. "Who were you with? Tell us!" He sounded like an eager child.

"Stop implying that I slept with someone, would you?" I cried, furious.

"Bloody hell! You were SO _in flagrante delicto_ with Wood!" Fred shouted gleefully. "Congratulations!"

"WHAT?" I shrieked. "You just _assume_ that I slept with Oliver Wood?"

"Um... _yes."_

"Git! Wanker! _Prat!" _

"Ow, stop hitting me!"

I pushed past them. "And if I hear you're spreading rumors around school, I'll..."

"...have to think up more clever ways to sneak around with Wood?" George grinned.

"_Or else I'll hex you to oblivion!" _I screamed, storming away. I could still hear them laughing as I stomped down the stairs.

xxx

_Now that I'm in my room, safely wrapped up in my bathrobe (and still being stabbed brutally in the head by my massive hangover), I am obsessing over that fact that Oliver probably read everything. I mean, no on can resist the temptation of reading another person's diary. Dear Merlin, d__oes that mean he now knows about that dream I had two months ago about him and a can of whipped cream?..._

_BLOODY HELL!_

* * *

Christmas is just around the corner. After only one more day, I'll be going home. 

_And I can't wait._

"You'll need to get plenty of rest and drink lots of freshly squeezed orange juice," Luna advised on how I should spend my Christmas. "I would recommend a strong draught of Wendelwuss Potion, with extra flobberworm mucus and extract of blood from a decapitated African Goliath beetle. But it would probably set your intestines on fire because of your body type, so I wouldn't try it."

"Uh... thanks? I'll keep that in mind," I said uncertainly.

But as weird as Luna was, I felt I was getting used to her after all our therapy sessions. I mean, how else can I explain how, after time, her eccentricity had become soothing, and a source of a relief?

"I assume you're going away for Christmas?" she asked.

"Yeah, my mum's been promising that we can go to Germany so we can watch the Quidditch tournament being held there next week," I said excitedly. "I really hope we go."

"Funny, I'd expected you to be vacationing on an island of some sort," Luna said calmly, adjusting her lens-free glasses.

"Why?" I laughed.

"You give off that aura," she said simply.

"Oh."

"Well, I think we're done for the day," Luna chirped cheerfully. "But one more thing..." She pulled out the lion hat.

"Luna, how many times have I told-"

"Roar with me!"

"No, it's all right. I'm leaving," I said hastily. "There's something I need to do."

And I was actually telling the truth.

* * *

_Dear Diary,_

_My life is SO fucked up!_

_1) I am still not speaking my stepbrother, who, by the way, is acting very peculiarly and has grown awfully pale. But I don't care._

_2) Oliver Wood and I hate each other. This afternoon, he __approached me, stone-faced. Wordlessly, he handed me my wand, and I took it silently. If we had spoken, we probably would have ended up killing each other. _

_3) Zach and I are on a break from our relationship! _

xxx

"Hello, John."

"Katie!" He smirked. "You ran off last night."

"Pity, isn't it, considering we were having so much fun?" I smiled. "Well, I believe there's something I owe you."

He grinned. "What?"

"This." I slapped him hard across the face. Then again. Then again.

"Bloody hell!" he spat. "What was _that _for?"

"For trying to feel me up last night, genius!" I shouted. (Boy, I was doing a lot of shouting today.) "Only I wish I'd gotten to you first before whoever gave you _that._" I pointed to the ugly bruise on his eye. "Who did it?"

"None of your business," he snarled, pushing me aside. "Get out of my way."

"Stupid git!" I shouted after him.

"Katie!" Someone was calling my name. I turned around.

"Oh. Zach."

We stood staring at each other in the middle of the hallway. I crossed my arms, expecting him to apologize for not taking proper care of me last night.

"About last night..."

"Fine, I'll forgive you," I said, sighing. "I mean, it was your fault that you passed out and I was nearly molested afterwards - I just gave John a beating, by the way, even though it looks like someone else got to him first - but you're forgiven."

Zach narrowed his eyes. "I wasn't going to apologize."

"You weren't?" I asked skeptically.

"I can't believe you, Katie!" he shouted, his voice rising. "After all that talk of not being ready for sex, after all that... you go and sleep with Oliver Wood! What the hell is up with that?"

_"Excuse me?" _I wasn't sure I'd heard it correctly. "What did you just say?"

"You know exactly what I just said," he said angrily. "You came out of Wood's room this morning for all the world looking like you'd spent the night with him!"

"But I didn't, dammit!" I said hotly. "Who told you this?" I suddenly thought of the twins. I was going to KILL them!

"Doesn't matter," he said impatiently. "But someone overheard you screaming at the Weasleys up in the boys' dormitory."

"And apparently that 'someone' is telling the whole school?" I demanded furiously.

"What were you doing in _Oliver Wood's _room?" Zach shouted.

"Must I repeat myself? Have we hit another cul-de-sac?" I narrowed my eyes.

"Why, Katie?" His voice suddenly became very quiet. "Why would you go and sleep with him?"

"I DIDN'T!" I shouted. "How can you accuse me of doing something like that? You're my _boyfriend!"_

"Sometimes I don't feel like I am."

"WHAT?" I cried, my heart hammering in my chest. This was the _last _thing I'd expected to hear from him.

"You haven't been the best girlfriend, Katie," he said coldly.

I felt heat surging through me. "Oh, yeah? Maybe we need a break, then!" I said hotly.

"Good idea," he agreed, narrowing his eyes.

"I am _so _detesting you right now!" I spat.

"And I you." The look in his eyes was unfeeling and hard. "Have a very merry _Christmas_, Katie," he snarled, and walked away.

xxx

_Oh, Diary! I have a feeling this isn't going to be a very merry Christmas at all!_

* * *

"Mum, you cannot _believe _how relieved I am to be home right now," I said, pouring myself a glass of water. 

"Missed me that much, huh?" Mum smiled as she chopped carrots.

"Well there's that, yes. But I dunno...all I want is to be as far away from Hogwarts as possible." I shook my head, trying to forget all about Katie, the bet, school, and all the stupid drama. And what's worse, I have the lovely prospect of detention to look forward to once I return to Hogwarts. Turns out that git John ratted on me for punching him in the eye for Katie, but I'd felt it was the least I could do.

Even though I want nothing more than to smack her right now.

"Oh, good!" Mum smiled happily. "I was hoping you'd say that!"

"So we _are _going away this Christmas!" Finally, a chance to get away from everything once and for all!

"And you'll never guess where!" she cried excitedly.

"To the tournament in Germany, like you promised?" I asked hopefully.

"Nope, even better!" Mum beamed.

_"What _could possibly be better?" I protested, crestfallen.

"We're going to spend vacation with Roger and Katie's family! Isn't that wonderful?"


	22. Friends Again

Guess what? I GOT INTO HARVARD! That's right, I'm in college! My best friend got into Johns Hopkins, so we're both really ecstatic.

Anyway, she and I were having a tough time deciding where I should send Katie & Oliver's families for winter vacation, until she came up with New Zealand. The rest is history. Now we both have this irrepressible urge to go there together. Hurray for New Zealand!

So that's my story. Hope you enjoy this chapter, and thanks so much for all the reviews!

Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to JKR. New Zealand belongs to New Zealanders. Oliver Wood..._ should_ belong to me.

**Chapter 22**

_Dear Diary,_

_I REFUSE to spend winter vacation with Oliver's family! I REFUSE! How could they do this to me? And what a fiasco of a vacation this will be! Not to mention that I was never told about this trip ahead of time._

_But it doesn't matter, because I'm not going. They can't make me! Even if they... _

_My stepdad just stepped into the room. What does HE want? I'm so totally furious at him and Mum for planning this trip, and I tell him so. _

_"I'm sorry, Katie, but there's nothing we can do about it."_

_"You can do EVERYTHING about it! You can cancel the trip! You can take us to France, like I've always wanted! You can..."_

_"Katie, since you refused to pack, I've done it for you," said my mum as she walked into my room. Roger trudged in with his suitcase, looking dead tired. _

_"What's this? Party in my room?" I snapped. _

_"If you could even call it that," said Daniel, with a sigh._

_"Everyone ready? If you're not, too bad. QUICK!" Mum shouted. Before you could even say, "Bloody hell, I hate my family!" my family grabbed on to a plain-looking scarf. _

_"What? What's going on?" I demanded angrily, but my stepdad had already grabbed my hand and touched my fingers to the soft fabric of the scarf, and soon we were flying through nothing..._

* * *

**Oliver's POV**

"Hello, Katie!" my dad called out as she and her family approached us.

"My family abducted me with a Portkey to force me to come here and I basically want to wipe out the entire human race right now," came her voice, dripping with sarcasm.

My dad looked over at Katie's parents, bewildered.

"She's not always like this," her mum on her behalf.

"Really? When she's been in a constant state of anger for the past month?" I replied coolly, directing a cold look at Katie, who glowered.

"Piss off, jerk," she spat, grabbing her suitcase and storming into the hotel without another word. There was an awkward silence.

"Well, this will be a pleasant vacation, won't it?" Mum said cheerfully.

"Can I have the room farthest away from _her?_" Without waiting for an answer, I strode toward the doors.

"_What_ happened between them?" I heard Katie's mum wonder aloud as I walked away.

"I don't know, but it's a pity they don't know yet that Roger and they will have to share futons in the living room."

_"WHAT?"_

* * *

**Katie's POV**

_Dear Diary,_

_So apparently, the "grown-ups" have selfishly taken all the bedrooms, and the hotel won't allow us to expand any of them due to some stupid reason. That means Roger, Oliver, and I have to sleep on mattresses on the floor in the living room area! This is complete, utter bollocks!_

_This is going to be the worst vacation ever. Mum is shouting at everyone to change into bathing suits so we can hit the beach. Maybe I'll run into someone (a hot, single male someone) who'll distract me from He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. _

_And by that, I do NOT mean the insane evil wizard guy who went around killing people for no reason over ten years ago._

* * *

**Oliver's POV**

Even though the past three days here stunk, I must admit that the beach here is gorgeous. The water is so _blue!_

There's Katie sitting under that big umbrella, reading a thick book and still refusing to speak to anyone. Honest, sometimes she can be so childish.

"Roger, want to go for a swim?" I asked tentatively. I wasn't quite sure what he'd say, considering he's been down in the dumps for the longest time and no one is quite sure why. All he did since we got here was stay in the hotel room, and today was the first time he'd come out.

To my surprise, however, he nodded. "Good idea," he said, following me down to the ocean.

But then I immediately realized why. He was heading for two pretty girls who were wading into the water and were very surreptitiously looking over at us. It wasn't long before Roger introduced himself, and sure enough, the three began flirting like there was no tomorrow. One of them looked over cattily at me, but, not interested, I walked away quickly. I had enough trouble already, and I didn't need to get myself involved in a drama with a random girl.

I found myself walking...and walking...and walking... Eventually, there was no one else in sight. I came across a cluster of little coves, and I waded into the nearest one. I found myself in a cave. It looked small on the outside, but it grew steadily as I walked inside, and soon I was in a large cavern half the size of the Great Hall at Hogwarts.

"Whoa..." I whispered, looking around. The walls glistened with moisture and there were tiny rainbows dancing in the air. A ray of light shone from above, reflecting shades of green and blue alternately on the walls from the water. I stepped onto a ledge that was raised above the water, and soon I was standing on dry rock. Without thinking, I walked straight inside the cave.

The cave wasn't dark, because the opening in the top let in plenty of sunlight. Eventually, I reached a clearing where the cave branched out in three directions. Taking a deep breath, I chose the one on the far right.

It led away from the sunlight, and before long I had to light my wand. Suddenly -- and it came without notice -- I was at the edge of a steep precipice, and I almost fell headfirst into a dark lake.

"Bloody hell!" I shouted. _Bloody hell...bloody hell...bloody hell..._ my voice echoed throughout the cave. Thoroughly spooked, I ran back the way I came, imagining the sound of footsteps echoing around me. Thus, it was hardly surprising that when someone crashed into me, I screamed at the top of my lungs.

"Bloody hell, Oliver!" a voice shouted.

_"Katie?" _I exclaimed in disbelief. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"Well, it's not _your _cave, you know," she said haughtily.

"You followed me, didn't you?" I demanded.

"_Followed_ isn't quite the right word I was looking for..."

"Just stop being so uppity and admit you were following me!" I said angrily.

Katie crossed her arms. "All right. So I followed you. Big deal."

"Why?"

"I was _bored_, okay? You try reading the same Quidditch magazine for the third time and tell me if _you_ don't die of boredom!"

"But I've done that before, and I didn't die at all. In fact, I was entertained the entire time."

"_Argh_ you're so exasperating!" she groaned.

"Funny, because it was _you _who followed_ me..."_

_"_Listen, could we go back where it's not so dark before we argue any further?" Katie asked, heading back before I could even respond. I followed her back to the main cavern, where the three smaller caves branched out.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" Katie breathed, looking around the cavern.

"It is," I replied, watching her. She was being oddly civil, but I suspected it was only the calm before the storm.

"Let's explore the other two caves," she suggested. "Which one first?"

"Left," I said, and we went that way. I'm not sure how long we wandered in silence in the caves, but it must have been hours. Because when we decided to we'd had enough and that it was time to leave, we realized...

"The tide's come in!" Katie shrieked in horror. The water had flooded the entire lower portion of the cave, blocking the only way out. We were trapped.

"Bloody hell," I muttered. "This is _just_ what I need."

"If I hadn't followed you..." Katie murmured, running her hand anxiously through her hair.

"Thanks," I replied darkly. "So it's_ my _fault now?"

"It was you who came here!"

"And it was you who followed me!"

"It was you who started the fight between us!"

"It was you who refused to forgive me even when I apologized!"

"It was you who stole my diary!"

"It was you who _accused_ me of stealing your stupid diary when I didn't!"

"It was you who made everyone think I slept with you!"

"It was you who got drunk and barged into my room at one in the morning!"

"It was you who made me clean the broomshed for detention with McGonagall!"

I glared angrily at her, furious beyond belief. "Do you even _know_ what you're saying? Did you realize I asked McGonagall to move your detention place so you _wouldn't have to clean the toilets _with Taylor Somers? Or that I was there whenever you were so that I could help you? Or that I went there even in my free time to clean up so you'd have less work to do the next time you came? Or that I punched that scumbag who tried to take advantage of you that night, and I have detention the day I get back? _Do you?_"

Katie opened her mouth, then closed it wordlessly. She stared at me with wide eyes. "And...and you didn't steal my diary and read it?"

"_No._"

"And you admit the bet was a very, very wrong thing to do?"

"You never believed me when I said it."

"Oliver...you did all that for me?"

"'Course."

"Why?"

"Sometimes, when you care enough about someone, you do crazy things for them," I replied with a shrug, trying to sound indifferent.

"Oh. But I suppose you don't care about me anymore, because of the stupid things I've done."

"Depends."

"On what?"

"Whether you regret them or not."

"I do," Katie said sincerely, looking me in the eye. "I really do. And I'm sorry. I've been kind of a bitch, haven't I?"

"That would be an understatement," I retorted.

"Ouch." She winced. "Okay, I admit it. I overreacted. A lot. But are we okay now?"

"Katie," I said slowly. "What would you say about swimming out of here?"

"What?"

"We would only have to hold our breaths for a couple seconds, so we can slip out underneath that rock. What do you say?"

Katie paused. "Well...I'll do it, but on one condition."

"What's that?"

"You have to forgive me."

"Done," I said, smiling at her.

"Friends?"

"Friends," I said firmly. "Ready?" I held out my hand to her, and she grabbed it.

"I'm scared, but secretly very excited," Katie said, grinning. The twinkle in her eyes filled me with relief; it had been so long since she'd smiled for me.

"You ready?" Katie nodded. "Go!"

We held our breaths and plunged into the water.

* * *

A/N - I probably got the landscape details all wrong...and probably invented the cave. Are there even caves like that in New Zealand? Ahhh New Zealand people - please don't hate me!

But anyway, HAPPY HOLIDAYS, EVERYONE!!


	23. Cucumbers and Confessions

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Sorry this chapter's so short. But it's 9:59 pm, it's New Year's Eve, and I want to update _my last_ _chapter in the year of 2006! _Wow that's kind of creepy. In a good way.

This chapter finally explains why Roger is so down in the dumps lately. Remember, Katie & Oliver are on vacation with their families in New Zealand. The last chapter ended with them getting stuck in a cave due to high tide, and they decide to try swimming out.

**Chapter 23**

"Boy, _that _was special, wasn't it?"

"We almost bloody _drowned_ swimming out of that cove..."

"Who knew the current would be so strong?"

"We almost got bashed against those rocks; we're lucky our brains are still in our heads..."

"Mmm... I'm not so sure you've still got yours."

"Har har, very funny."

"But wasn't it funny, though, when we had to climb up them and yell, and put sparks up in the air?"

"Bet the lifeguard thought we were bloody stupid."

"We _were_ bloody stupid."

"It was fun, though."

"Until our mums nearly took the hides off of us."

"My ears still hurt from their screaming."

"I'm still going back there one last time, though. Not at high tide, obviously, but I have to go back."

"It was brilliant, wasn't it?"

"Mmhmm."

"Could you guys stop chattering already and go to sleep?" Roger snapped, raising his head from his pillow. Katie bit her lip, suppressing a giggle.

It wasn't so bad sharing the living room between the three of us, now that Katie and I were okay again. I'd told her to sleep on the couch, while Roger and I slept on the floor, and she was hanging half off of it now, so as to talk to me.

"What a party pooper!" Katie whispered.

"Maybe we should sleep now, to please his royal highness," I suggested.

"Good plan." She grinned and her head disappeared as she hauled herself back onto the couch.

It was great to be back to normal with her again.

* * *

"I'll take a cheeseburger." 

"Might I suggest a seafood dish?" the waiter suggested politely. "They're very popular."

"Nope, I want a cheeseburger.

"Roger, you're in bloody New Zealand," Katie said, rolling her eyes. "You're not having anything as un-exotic as a cheeseburger."

"Why?" Roger whined. "They eat cheeseburgers here."

"You've never even tried seafood," I commented.

"And I'm not planning to."

"Oh, just try it!" Katie snapped. "Bring him something special, please," she told the waiter, who glanced nervously between her and Roger.

"Fine," Roger acquiesced, rolling his eyes.

"You won't regret it," Katie said, smiling sweetly.

xxx

He did.

Regret it, I mean. Turns out Roger has this food allergy that no one ever knew about, because he's never had seafood before. He turned bright red, and this weird rash appeared on his face. Katie and I stared at him in horror as he scratched all over. His dad had to take him to the hospital and he's recovering right now up in our room, while Katie and I are frolicking on the beach.

Did I just use the word "frolicking"? The sun is getting to my head.

_

* * *

Dear Diary, _

_That night, long after everyone fell asleep (Oliver DOES snore, by the way), my eyes were still wide open. No matter how much I tossed and turned, I couldn't sleep. I wouldn't have been surprised if the bright red sunburn on my face had anything to do with it._

_I crept to the kitchen, took a cucumber, and cut it into slices. I put two slices on my eyes, and __I'm not quite sure why I did it. I've seen my mum do it sometimes, and I thought it might help the sunburn a bit. But it was only making my face itchy. _

_I was just in the middle of considering whether I should take the cucumber off my face or not, when suddenly the light flicked on. The cucumber slices fell off my eyes._

_"ARGH!" came a masculine scream. __(Masculine scream? Is there even such a thing?) __"Bloody hell, your eyes just...!"_

_"No, my eyes did not fall out, and it was just cucumber," I said dryly, rolling my eyes as Roger took a seat across the table from me._

_"That was bloody creepy, Katie."_

_"I'd say it was creepier when you broke out into hives earlier today and looked like a living pimple." _

_"I have you and Oliver to thank for that."_

_"I'd feel sorrier if I'd already forgiven you for the bet. You're the only one who hasn't apologized. Except for Flint, and I'm not expecting an apology from that ponce anyway."_

_"I'm sorry, okay? Damn, Katie, you're always so obsessed with people not saying 'thank you,' or 'sorry,' or 'excuse me.'"_

_"That's who I am, dear brother. And I wouldn't eat that if I were you." _

_Roger spat out the cucumber slice he'd just bitten into. "Ugh!" _

_"Idiot." I laughed. "And you saw me with them on my face, too."_

_"You're right. I'm an idiot."_

_My eyebrows shot up in surprise, as Roger's head slumped onto the table. That was the last response I'd expected from my sarcastic stepbrother._

_"Okay, something's wrong."_

_"I din reelz I do day," he muttered into his arm._

_"Roger, I can't understand you," I sighed._

_"I didn't realize what I was doing until today," he repeated. "I've been flirting with all the girls in sight here."_

_"Hell yeah, you have," I muttered._

_"And I thought I was back to normal! But then I got sick today, and I had a whole afternoon without distraction to think about it..."_

_I picked up a cucumber slice._

_"I realized I'd been after those girls with the sole intention of getting over her."_

_"Her?" I repeated, wrinkling my nose. I started playing with the cucumber in my hand. _

_"Yes. The girl who's made me so utterly depressed these past few weeks... are you even listening to me?"_

_"Of course, dear," I replied, putting the slice I'd been playing with over my right eye. _

_"Aren't you going to ask me why I was depressed?"_

_"Why were you depressed?" I asked, placing a slice on my left eye._

_"Because I could never ask her out! Never!" _

_"Cool down, Mr. Drama Queen," I said. "There aren't any laws at Hogwarts decreeing who -- or what, I suppose -- you can or cannot date. Who the hell is this girl anyway?"_

_"Luna Lovegood!"_

_The cucumbers popped right off of my eyes._


	24. Love, Lulu

Thank you all SO much for all your positive feedback. I'm sorry if some of you haven't received review replies, but I blame it all on fanfiction's terrible inconsistency with sending email alerts. Hopefully you'll get _this_ chapter in time.

I actually had this written more than a week ago, but the scene with Katie and Hannah turned out to be this _horrible _girly "ohmigosh we're like so totally best friends now so we have to get those friendship charms that say 'Best Friends Forever' on them and have each other's names tattooed on our wrists" moment that I started gagging and rewrote the entire thing. (That kind of thing is SO not in my line of work.) And the result of that decision? It is TOTALLY different. And much more consistent with my usual twisted style of humor, I think.

So...enjoy!

* * *

Reminder: Oliver, Katie, and Co. are still in New Zealand on holiday. Katie and Oliver had become close chums once again, and we left off with her diary entry, at the end of which Roger reveals that he fancies Luna. 

...which causes the cucumbers on our heroine's eyes to cannonball out, of course.

* * *

**Chapter 24**

It was our last night in New Zealand, and in search of some last-minute fun, Katie and I went caroling around the hotel. Some people are really ungrateful, let me tell you. We knocked on room 305 (which had a DO NOT DISTURB sign on it, but no matter), and were readying our lungs for a glorious rendition of "Deck the Halls," when the door swung open. A grim-looking young man glared at us hatefully.

"What do you want?" he growled. "Can't you see the sign?"

"DECK THE HALLS WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY!" Katie stretched open her mouth as wide as she could and sang at the top of her lungs.

"FALALALALA LALALALA!" I joined in, just as heartily.

"Bloody hell!" the man roared, clamping his hands over his ears.

"Who is it?" came a feminine voice from behind him.

"Bloody annoying kids," he replied gruffly. "Scram! I'm on my honeymoon and the last thing I need are two teenagers FALALAing in my ear when my wife and I are shag--"

"My virgin ears!" Katie howled, plugging her ears.

"Spare the poor lass, sir!" I begged, clasping my hands together. "She's been cloistered all her life in a convent -- she's an orphan, you see -- and the nuns are trying to raise her to be nice and proper, so she can become an angel, and so she can have wings and sing and eat strawberries and cream all day in heaven..."

"SCRAM!" the man roared. Katie and I fled.

"Convent? Puh-lease!" she exclaimed, giggling.

"Virgin ears?" I snorted in response. "Those ears have heard more -- and that mouth has said more -- dirtier things than Fred and George combined!"

"Nuns! Strawberries and cream! I, Katie Bell, an angel-in-training!" Katie chortled, laughing so hard she tripped over the hallway rug.

"I suppose we should act our age," I said soberly, trying to look serious as I helped her up.

"Mmm maybe... NOT. Let's try another room."

An old lady opened the door and this time, we sung "Silent Night" very woefully, with our hands clasped and our faces looking very melancholy. I guess it's supposed to be an inspirational song, but Katie and I sung it with all the joy you would find in a funeral dirge. Meaning, none at all.

Suddenly, tears filled the lady's eyes. "My late husband used to sing it like that all the time!" she sobbed into her handkerchief. Katie and I exchanged a worried glance.

"Maybe something more uplifting this time?" I suggested, and Katie nodded eagerly. We burst into "Jingle Bells" with gusto. I transfigured a nearby potted plant into a tambourine, which Katie grabbed from me and banged on heartily. The old lady grinned, lifted her long skirt a little so she could maneuver her feet, and began to jig wildly.

It was a crazy night, let me tell you. By the time Katie and I returned, we were exhausted and our voices hoarse.

"You sing very well, Oliver," she said. "I was amazed, frankly."

"You sing rather terribly," I laughed.

"And don't I know it!" She grinned. "But I followed your lead, didn't I?"

"Yes you did, and you were a great follower."

"Maybe you should join a convent and sing hymns all the day. The nuns would love you, I'm sure."

"That'd be nice. But I think I'd rather be loved by someone else."

"Oh?" I bent my head and kissed her. I pulled back quickly in case she slapped me or something. But she didn't.

"It's been a rather wonderful Christmas, hasn't it?" she whispered, roughly grabbing me by the front of my shirt and kissing me back.

* * *

_ Dear Diary,_

_What a wonderfully CRAZY vacation! First Oliver and I almost drown, then we become close friends again, then Roger confesses that he is madly in love with Luna Lovegood! I still can't believe that, by the way. When he told me, I started choking, and he had to slap my back hard before I could breathe again. Roger and LUNA! How odd! How unthinkable! How QUEER!_

_Apparently he thought the same thing, because that's why he's in such a torment. He's going crazy but not only does he know practically nothing about her, but he also can't swallow his pride enough to say he might fancy her. I'm the only one who knows, he says. Flattering, yes, but HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH A SECRET LIKE THAT? It will take all my willpower not to tell Leanne. Or Angelina and Alicia, for that matter._

_It's funny, though, because although Roger won the bet technically, I do believe it was Luna who "won" in the end. I mean, Luna is driving Roger crazy, and she is so coolly and calmly oblivious to him and his infatuation. Clearly, in a queer turn of tables, Luna is the winner! Right?_

_Actually, thinking about it... I'd say I come in close at second place. After all, I have Oliver. We spent the whole rest of that night snogging (in secret, of course, for who knew how Roger would react?), and it was bliss. The next morning, Oliver and I had trouble saying goodbye, and Mum finally dragged me away saying, "I don't understand you two. You hated each other only a few days ago..."_

_I could spend hours writing about how dreamy Oliver is, but Hannah just arrived. Remember I invited her over, so I could help fix her up a little? I hope she's not expecting me to totally revamp her image, though, because there's only so much I can do..._

_xxx_

_Later..._

_"Um, what should we start with first?" I wondered aloud._

_Hannah looked up at me woefully, and I looked down at her face. Dear Merlin, all those pimples... "How 'bout clearing up the acne first?"_

_"Okay..." she replied dubiously._

_"Here we go," I said with all the cheerfulness I could muster. "Clever Claire's Clearing Cream. Too much consonance in that name, if you ask me." Hannah stared at me blankly, and I sighed. "Listen, Hannah, I'm not looking for a complete personality change from you, but people like it when they're talked to, you know, and not stared at."_

_Hannah blushed. "Sorry, Katie! I just feel so weird being here. I mean, it's just so awkward for me, like I'm your charity case or something."_

_"Don't be silly. Now talk to me while I put this cream on your face," I commanded. "Are you sure you don't need to be home? I mean, it's New Year's Eve..."_

_"No, Mum and Dad are at Great-Aunt Margaret's, and I can't stand her, so I convinced them to let me come here."_

_"Did you say you had a friend who was deathly ill, and who had no chance of survival without your presence by my side?" I demanded, always eager for drama around every corner._

_"Um... no?"_

_"Oh." I was rather disappointed. "There. The cream's done. Now what next?" Hannah bit her lip uncertainly. "Bloody hell, girl!" I yelped, noticing her split ends. "This is an absolute no-no!"_

_I snipped the ends of her hair right away and attacked it with some Sleak-eazy's. But I didn't do much after that. Because honestly, Hannah Abbott isn't all that bad-looking. Especially after an hour passed and a lot of her acne faded, she looked almost pretty. I think it was just the pimples that scared boys away. And her habit of needing books the way people need oxygen._

_"Dinner!" Mum yelled from downstairs._

_"Time to scurry," I said. "Mum hates it when we dawdle." _

_We met Roger at the top of the stairs. "You look terrible," I said frankly._

_"I love you too, Katie," he replied bitterly._

_"No, you love Lu..." Bloody hell. I told you I couldn't live with a secret like this! Roger shot me a death glare._

_"Lu?" Hannah asked, confused._

_"Ah. Lulu," I replied hastily. "Lulu, Roger's pet poodle." A storm was brewing on my dear stepbrother's face._

_"I didn't see a poodle around here." Hannah looked around, searching for a poodle named Lulu._

_"He keeps her in his room, you see. He's very possessive of her. Once I tried giving her a treat and he screamed, 'Get away from her, she's MINE!' And he scratched me, hard, and as I ran away I could hear him whisper, 'My precious, my precious… One day we'll takeses his neck and we'll squeeeeeeezes stupid fat hobbit's life out of him!' That was the day I got this scar." I pointed to the thin, faded mark on my arm._

_"That's taking it a tad bit too far, isn't it?" Roger glared at me. "And that scar was from the time Zacharias scratched you during a Gryffindor-Hufflepuff game."_

_"It was an accident!" I said, hastily defending my boyfriend. "He..." Wait. Katie, you don't like him anymore, remember? "Yeah, he pretty much scratched me on purpose. He took out this big dagger from his robe and started, like, slashing me with it and they had to call in Madam Pomfrey because I lost so much blood..."_

_"Oh my God!" breathed Hannah, spellbound. "I don't remember that! Did it hurt much?"_

_Dear Merlin. This girl is SO going to be attacked by a con artist someday.  
_

* * *

A/N: There ya go. We didn't even get to the fun part either, 'cause I decided to split Hannah's visit into two parts. The second (and better) half will be up shortly. But I gave you a kiss and some snogging between Katie and Oliver, so you can't yell at me too much for making this so short! ((ducks from tomatoes thrown by angry readers)) 


	25. Happy New Year, y'all!

I have over 800 reviews?! ((gasp)) Thank you all SO much! Out of gratitude, I'm updating only a week after posting my last chapter. Amazing, isn't it?

And now for Hannah's Visit, Part 2...

* * *

Reminder: It's New Year's Eve. Hannah is staying over at Katie and Roger's house. In an attempt to cover a slip-up, Katie reveals that Roger supposedly has a poodle named Lulu, of which he is obsessively possessive. Fun and chaos ensue. **

* * *

**

**Chapter 25**

(Katie diary entry, continued)

_After dinner, Hannah and I had nothing to do. I suggested tossing a Quaffle around outside, but she shuddered at the thought._

_"I'm terrified of heights. Can we play with the poodle instead?" she pleaded. "I love dogs."_

_'What poodle?' was on the tip of my tongue before it clicked. Roger's Lulu! I'd completely forgotten. "I told you, Hannah," I said. "Roger is very protective of Lulu. He won't let anyone touch her."_

_"But he just stepped outside..." she whispered furtively, watching him leave._

_Oh. Damn. "Well, the poodle bites. She's a crazy bitch, I'm telling you, and I mean both literally and figuratively."_

_"She can't be all that bad!" Hannah protested as we walked up the stairs. "This is Roger's room?"_

_"No."  
_

_"Really?" Hannah pointed to the sign on the doorknob that clearly said, 'ROGER'S ROOM. ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK.'_

_I winced. "Oh. Right." In spite of myself, however, I found myself opening the door. I've never been in Roger's room, you see -- he never let me -- and I was dying of curiosity._

_I expected to be stepping into a world of the chaos that can only be induced that abominable breed known as "boys." Instead, the room was even neater than mine; so neat, in fact, that it was almost disgusting._

_"It's very tidy, isn't it?" Hannah commented, looking around._

_"Come look at this!" I said, grinning at my find. It was a magazine featuring beautiful witches who were wearing, well... barely anything. "He probably jerks off looking at these," I joked, only to shudder at the thought of my stepbrother touching himself. Ew..._

_"What's this?" Hannah pointed to a beautiful blond German girl._

_I snorted. "What kind of name is Brumhilda?"_

_"No, not at her name. Look at this."_

_I followed her finger closely this time. In tiny letters, Roger had scribbled, "Much more preferable to L, no? Now if only I can convince myself."_

_Dear Merlin. I felt a stab of sympathy for poor Roger. He's trying to get over Luna Lovegood!_

_"Who's L?" Hannah wrinkled her nose in puzzlement._

_"Lulu. Duh." I rolled my eyes._

_"He's trying to fall in love with German models in order to get over his unhealthy infatuation for his poodle, which probably doesn't exist, judging by how it's not even here?" Hannah raised her eyebrows._

_"Listen, little Miss Clever...Bookworm...Girl...Thing!" I said, narrowing my eyes and poking her nose with my finger. I paused, unable to think of anything to say._

_"Yes?" Hannah crossed her arms. Shy little Hannah Abbott was showing attitude? The world is coming to an end!_

_"Don't judge my stepbrother's motives!" I said at last._

_"Who's judging my motives and why?"_

_Hannah and I spun toward the door, scared out of our knickers. "Bloody hell..." I whispered. "Roger, we were just..."_

_"Looking for the poodle," Hannah finished, sarcastically. She'd finally caught on that said poodle never existed.  
_

_"The poodle is only a figment of Katie's imagination," said Roger, wryly. "As is most of her world."_

_"Oh, you're both so clever, give yourselves a pat on the back," I snapped, annoyed. "In fact, go and get sodding married while you're at it!"_

_"What's got your knickers into a twist?" Very calmly, Roger walked toward us and set a paper bag on his desk.  
_

_"Maybe the fact that you're not mad at all for appearing in your room, which you've never let me enter for how many years?" I raged._

_"You're mad at me for not being mad at you," he replied calmly, taking a bottle out of the paper bag. "That's very rational, isn't it?"  
_

_My mouth opened to say something in response, then closed again. I realized, albeit grudgingly, that he had a point. So instead, I said, "What's that?"_

_"Butterbeer," he said, popping the cap open and taking a swig. Actually, he didn't stop until he'd chugged the whole bottle's contents. Smacking his lips in satisfaction, he placed the now-empty bottle down, reached into the paper bag once more, and pulled out another bottle. _

_I realized a charm had been placed on the paper bag to make it bottomless. Who knew how many bottles were in there? Well I, for one, was about to find out._

_"Sharing is caring!" I said in a singsong voice, lunging for the bag. Roger snatched it out of my reach._

_"Uh uh. None for you, dear sister."_

_"__Did you ever see someone so selfish__?" I complained to Hannah. "How many have you got in there anyway?"_

_"Not much. Only twenty."_

_"Twenty!" I shrieked in surprise. "What do you need with twenty butterbeers?"_

_"I'd like to get very, very drunk tonight, Katie. It helps to pass the time, see. Plus it'll help me forget."_

_Ah, yes. Help him forget his infatuation with her._

_"You can't get that drunk off of butterbeer, otherwise it wouldn't be allowed for us to have it at The Three Broomsticks," Hannah said._

_"All right, then. Try it yourself." Roger tossed a bottle to Hannah, who barely caught it. _

_"And what about me?" Following my complaint, a bottle was tossed to me._

_"Tastes...different," Hannah noted, cautiously. "It's not at all like Madam Rosmerta's..."  
_

_I took a sip. "__This is NOT butterbeer!" I yelled, spluttering on the mouthful I'd just swallowed. I sniffed the bottle suspiciously._

_Roger rolled his eyes. "Not the kind_ _you're used to. This butterbeer has eighty percent more alcohol in it."  
_

_Oh. That would explain the _"Strong. Not for minors"_ label on the side._

_"Where the hell did you get it?" I demanded. "You're still a minor, you know!"_

_"That's for me to know and you to never find out," he replied mysteriously. "Are you having it or not?"_

_"I'm not a baby. I can drink it," I said resolutely, and took a swig just to prove it. Hannah looked on dubiously, but then took another cautious sip._

_"Bottoms up!" I cried. We clinked bottles and drank.  
_

_xxx_

_I didn't mean to get Hannah Abbott drunk on New Year's Eve, I swear! Oh bollocks, will I be sent to hell for this?_

_"And then another boy says, 'Hannah, you've heard the saying, 'You've got stars in your eyes'? Well you've got constellations all over your FACE! Look, there's the Big Dipper!' And he points to the pimples on my forehead!"_

_"That's bloody hilarious!" Roger shouted, slapping his knee._

_There were tears streaming down Hannah's face, but she was laughing hysterically. "I know, isn't it? And then this other boys asks, 'Hannah, were you born with those pimples? Did your mother cry when you were first placed in her arms?'"_

_"Normally, I wouldn't be laughing," I hiccuped, trying to look sober (in both senses of the word). "'Cause that's just terrible. But there's this warm fuzzy little creature in my chest right now that tells me to laugh and laugh..."_

_"Is its name Billie Bo?" Hannah squealed._

_"I dunno, it hasn't told me it's name."_

_"Almost midnight," Roger said, squinting at the clock. "Ten minutes left to say goodbye to this year."_

_"Goodbye, goodbye!" I sang, skipping around the room waving a pair of Roger's boxers. It didn't occur to me until the next day that I really should have checked to see if they were clean..._

_"Call me Hannah the Hummingbird!" Hannah giggled, flapping her arms wildly. _

_"Damn, last bottle..." Roger muttered in frustration, one hand holding said last bottle, and the other hand groping inside the paper bag. I didn't really see why he needed anymore, since Hannah had drunk four and I had drunk six, leaving him with nine all to himself.  
_

_"I am Chief Kakaloochi, ruler of the great Mazachiwas!" I cried, pulling the boxers down over my head. (I cringe as I am writing this. I REALLY should have made sure they were clean...) "And I will make a toast!" I swung my bottle up into the air. "To the death of foolishness and the embarrassment we suffered this year! To the end of making mistakes! To the future!"_

_"To the future! To the demise and destruction of acne!" Hannah cried, walking straight into the wall.  
_

_"Since it's the end of all mistakes, I say we confess some of them," suggested Roger.  
_

_"Tomorrow, I'll know this was a mistake," I mumbled, squatting beside him. "And stop fondling that bottle."_

_"Sorry. I'll stop," he said, sticking two fingers into the mouth of the bottle._

_"Liar. You shouldn't be doing that in front of company. Especially if said company is Hannah Abbott."_

_"Who just so happens to be putting my socks over her ears?"_

_I looked over at Hannah and groaned. Carefully, concentrating so hard that the tip of her tongue stuck out the side of her mouth, she was placing one sock over her left ear, then the other over her right. _

_"I'm an elly-fant!" she chirped happily.  
_

_"You're the only one without headgear," I said to Roger as I pointed first to Hannah's ears, then to my own fabulous headdress. _

_"You've got my boxers on your head," my stepbrother said blankly._

_"Hush," I said, putting the paper bag over his hair so that it formed a rectangular crown sticking out of his head. "Now you can be a pharaoh. Come, Hannah, we are misfessing constakes." _

_"Confessing mistakes?" Hannah asked, plopping down beside me. _

_"Yeah, whatever. You go first."_

_"I made the mistake of believing that Cedric Diggory really liked me during that awful bet," said Hannah, solemnly. "I was very stupid. I resolve to never let a boy trick me again!"_

_"I made the mistake of falling in love with two boys, one of which hates me and the other which fancies the pants off me right now," I said, laughing even though I knew it was anything but funny. "And I resolve to choose one of them by the end of the year!"  
_

_"And I made the mistake of fancying someone I never should have fallen in love with," Roger said, a frown line appearing between his eyebrows. "And I resolve to fall out of love with her."_

_"To us!" we toasted, clinking our bottles together. _

_By the time the clock struck twelve, Hannah had passed out with her thumb in her mouth, I was slumped forward clinging as if for dear life to Roger's pillow, and Roger (who had a higher tolerance than us girls, most likely), was left alone to pace across the room muttering under his breath until he, too, conked out.  
_

_And so, when Mum and my stepdad walked into the room later on, they found the room littered with twenty empty bottles of spiked butterbeer, Hannah sleeping with Roger's socks over her ears, Roger snoring under his bed...and me, curled up on the floor with Roger's boxers on top of my head._

_That morning, we awoke to the joyous prospect of celebrating the New Year with an earful from Mum about intoxicating our guest, and with a wonderful, head-bashing, cruel sodding hangover.  
_

* * *

A/N: And that concludes the second chapter in which I write about underage drinking. Which I'm not advocating, by the way, though it may seem like it. But things are just so much more fun when the characters are drunk. 

Also, I do hope the italics aren't putting a strain on your eyes, because we'll be getting a lot of Katie's POV in the next five or so chapters. Please let me know if the font really bothers you. Thanks, everyone!


	26. Rumor Has It

So sorry, everyone! I had the most terrible case of writer's block, and have been reading people's fanfics instead of working on my own. But I'm back on track now...(I think?). And thanks to all my reviewers! Please know that I really do appreciate each and every review, though I haven't been very good with review replies. Sorry. -ducks head in shame-

Remember: Katie & Oliver hooked up in New Zealand, Roger's infatuation in Luna is putting him in agony, and Katie, Roger, and Hannah got rip-roaring drunk on New Year's Eve. But now the holidays are over, and it's back to Hogwarts!

**Chapter 26**

When the press is concerned, an individual is at a risk. And at Hogwarts, it eventually came to the point where _everyone_ was at a risk.

Some people decided their New Year's resolution would be to enlighten the public by exposing the "truth." And so, these anonymous reporters began publication of _The_ _Hogwarts Howler_, a weekly gossip newsletter that would come to make and break the reputation of many a hapless Hogwarts inhabitant.

Their motto?

_"We tell nothing but the truth."_

* * *

"I'm guessing you've got loads to tell me, if you're here to see me on the second day back to school."

"I do, Luna, actually. The girl I've fancied for so long? I think we're finally together!"

"Listen, Octavius..."

"It's Oliver."

"Right. What do you mean by 'together'? Because one could be referring to the term 'together' in general, or 'together' as in officially going out, or 'together' as in 'together' together, but not technically 'together.'"

"Uh... you lost me at the first 'together.'"

"Have you asked her out?"

"No...not yet... I actually haven't seen her much since we came back to Hogwarts, unfortuately"

"She's avoiding you?"

"I don't know. I don't think so."

"Ask Katie out before it's too late, is my opinion."

"You're totally right...hey! You know who she is?"

"Oh, don't act so surprised. Like it wasn't obvious from how you were moaning, 'Katie, I'm yours, baby' that time you fell asleep on this very couch."

"Er... right."

* * *

_**THE HOGWARTS HOWLER  
**"We tell nothing but the truth!"_

_Reader,_

_You are holding the first-ever edition of _The Hogwarts Howler._ Allow a moment of silence. The parchment you are holding will reveal all the answers to the questions you've been asking yourself in tortured silence, but that you were too afraid to voice: Did A and B really cheat on each other? Did so-and-so really get a nose job? Will that kid who sits behind you in Charms with the huge glasses and terrible breath really get suspended for cheating on the midterm exam?_

_Hold your breath.  
You're about to find out..._

_(Articles written under pseudonyms Clairvoyant Claire (CC) and All-Knowing Aurora (AKA))  
_

_Where did Hannah Abbott's pimples go?  
"Miracles Do Happen," page 2  
_

_Is Terry Boot trying to grow out his facial hair to impress Susan Bones?  
"The Trouble with Stubble," page 3_

_"10 Hottest Hogwarts Men," page 4_

_Why is #1 Heartbreaker Roger Davies down in the dumps?  
"It's Your Turn To Cry, Sucka," page 5 _

** HOT TOPIC!!**  
_Quidditch hottie Oliver Wood was seen emerging from the Room of Requirement  
with none other than Luna Lovegood!  
Read our speculations in "Dirty Little Secret," page 6!_

_Until next week,  
CC and AKA_

* * *

_"_Why is Terry Boot spazzing out at eight in the morning?" I asked as I sat down for breakfast the next day. I looked over my shoulder at the Ravenclaw table, where Terry was pulling at his hair and squeezing the life out of a piece of parchment.

"We have a better question for _you,_ oh Captain my Captain." Fred and George swiveled around to face me, and from the identical grins on my face, I knew they were up to no good.

"Don't even," I snapped, shoveling oatmeal into my mouth so I wouldn't have to speak to them.

"All righty then. Maybe _this_ will ask you for us." Fred cleared his throat. "'_Dirty Little Secret, by CC.' The author was strolling down the seventh floor corridor when_...'"

"_'...all of a sudden, she became aware of two voices before her!_'" George continued reading in a dramatic whisper where his brother had left off. "_'She hid behind a suit of armor, curious as to who would be in the Room of Requirement at that time, and was stunned to discover none other than_...'"

"'_...Oliver Wood and Luna Lovegood!_'" Fred cried, his eyes round and his hands pressed against his face in exaggerated horror.

"'WHAT?'" I yelled, grabbing the parchment. "'Let me see that!'"

George yanked the article out of my reach. Continuing to read aloud, he said, "'_Instantly curious, the author leaned forward to catch snatches of their conversation. She heard the following...'"_

"Give it to me!" I snapped furiously, but George tossed the paper to Fred.

"_'Thanks, Luna, you're always there when I need you.' In response, Ms. Lovegood replied, 'I'm only here to help, Octavius.' Could their relationship be so intimate that they are already exchanging pet names for each other?'"_

"Good grief!" I groaned. "It's because she always gets people's names wrong!"

"'_You never let me pay for your services, Luna. I feel like I owe it to you," Mr. Wood continued, upon which his companion responded, __'It's on me. Now I need to get going before the flying flippities come out; they always do at this time of day, you know.'_"

"'_A secret rendez-vous? __Payment for her services? To what could the two have possible be referring? Is Oliver Wood really the honorable, gallant man everyone thinks him to be?'"_

"I can't believe this," I muttered angrily, wanting to drown in my oatmeal.

"So what's this about ol' Loony, hmm?" The twins leaned forward eagerly.

"Don't call her that."

"Ho HO! Did you hear that, Fred?"

"I sure did! He was defending her!"

"Bloody hell, this was rather unexpected, wasn't it?"

"So when's the wedding?"

"SHUT UP!" I yelled, suddenly imagining people pointing at me and whispering about my possible sordid love affair with Luna Lovegood. "Give me that!" I snatched the paper at last. _"The Hogwarts Howler? _What is this trash?_"_

_"I _thought it was rather enlightening," Lavender Brown sniffed. "And you shouldn't be too upset if I were you, because you're #1 on the list on page four."

"Like I really want to be the bloody number one hottest guy at Hogwarts," I muttered, though I was secretly flattered. Ha, Diggory, I beat you! In your face!

"So is it true?" Alicia asked, jumping into the conversation.

"What?" I asked irritably.

"Did you really come out of the Room of Requirement with her?"

"Yes, but it was because..."

But I was given no chance to explain. Because the _Howler_ was causing an uproar. Especially after reports that Terry Boot really DID want to impress Susan Bones (who ended up revealing that she thinks facial hair is disgusting, actually; poor Terry), that Hannah Abbott's acne was truly gone for good, that Roger Davies really was a depressed mess, and that Oliver Wood had confirmed the Room of Requirement story...

...people began to regard _The Hogwarts Howler_ as law.

* * *

The fanmail and business cards started pouring in that very evening.

"What the hell?" I heard one of my roommates shout. He had opened the window, and a _flood_ of owls came rushing in.

"Who are these for?" I shouted over the rustling noise of dozens of wings.

"I think it's you, mate!" he yelled back, busily untying the messages from the owls' legs. I ran over to help him.

Once the owls were gone, I dumped the pile of letters on my bed. My nosy roommates clambered up beside me. I opened the first one.

_Dear Oliver,_

_Why do you need Luna when I'm around? Owl me for a fun time.  
-Kaila_

My roommates whistled in envy, but I could only stare at the letter in shock. I opened the next one. It was a business card:

_Taylor Somers,  
Masseuse_

_Available for Oliver Wood, only  
At any time... xoxo  
_

The rest didn't get much better. Apparently these girls had got it to their heads that I bought "services" regularly from Luna, and they wanted in, too.

_"_Why does this stuff always happen to me?" I moaned, falling back on my pillow.

My roommates called me a psycho for not taking advantage of each and every one of the girls who had written to me (except for Eloise Midgen, because she's just gross).

But the only girl I could think of was Katie.

* * *

"Katie!"

"Oh! Hi."

"I never see you anymore," I said, falling into step beside her. She looked flustered and walked quickly, but seemed happy to see me.

"I noticed it, too. The professors are just _loading_ us with work! OWLs, you know?"

"I know what you mean. They're even worse about NEWTs."

"I bet."

We walked in silence for a bit.

"Katie?"

"Yeah?"

"You...you don't believe the Luna stories, do you?"

Katie shot me an incredulous look and laughed. "Yes, I really think you're having an affair with Luna Lovegood. Oh please, do you think I believe all that mumbo jumbo in the _Howler?_"

I let out the breath I'd been holding, relieved. "Good, because I was afraid you'd..."

"Believe the nonsense written by _Clairvoyant Claire_ and _All-Knowing Aurora_?" She snorted. "Their names alone make me want to shove the paper up their arses and leave it to rot."

"Pleasant...imagery." I winced.

"I think what they're doing is not only idiotic, but really hurtful. Terry Boot was so distraught about what Susan thought of him that he cut himself shaving."

"He shaved off his stubble? Thank God..."

Katie shot me a pointed look. "That's not very nice. He has a deep gash on his chin now, and his pride's been hurt, to boot."

"Haha. Boot. His last name is Boot, get it?"

"I'm the one who came up with the pun."

"Oh. Right." Katie only smiled, and veered to the right. "Um, Katie? The Gryffindor dorms are up _this _way."

She shook her head. "I'm not going there."

"You're heading to Ravenclaw Tower," I stated, confused.

"There is one -- and only one -- article in _The Howler_ that I believed, Oliver. And it was the one about my stepbrother."

"Roger?"

"No, my other stepbrother."

"You're bloody hilarious today."

"His grades are slipping and his mind is totally off of Quidditch," Katie said, suddenly look sober. "I need to get him back on his feet." She sighed. "I'll see you later, Wood."

As she disappeared down the hallway, my shoulders sagged. "I guess now wouldn't be the best time to ask you out," I muttered, disappointed.

"ARE YOU KIDDING? Now would be PERFECT! TAKE ME, I'M YOURS!"

"I wasn't talking to you," I snapped.

Padma Patil cursed under her breath.


	27. So Attached To You

Whoa. WHOA. _Nine hundred reviews? _Thank you all SO much! -blows kisses- Wow, I've never even _dreamed _of getting so many! And I couldn't have done it without you guys!

My close fanfiction friend, Star of the North, has a birthday coming up. My sixth sense tells me I definitely won't be updating before April 19th, so this one's for you! Happy Birthday!

**Chapter 27**

_Dear Diary,_

_Roger was a mess. When I entered his room, it was so dark that it took me a minute for my eyes to adjust. Once they did, I saw that he was perched on top of the canopy of his bed._

_"Get down from there! It'll break!" I shrieked._

_"Yes…it will break under the intolerable burden of my heart…" he sighed woefully. _

"_Stop acting like a lovesick puppy, Roger. Snap out of it. Get down from there!"_

"_I must counteract the pitfall of my despair by physically being in the air."_

"_Bloody hell, you're making rhymes now? Who do you think you are? Will sodding Shakespeare?" Frustrated, I swam through the piles of dirty clothing on the floor and flung the windows open. Sunlight flooded into the room. _

"_Mine eyes!" Roger cried in pain, shielding his face.  
_

"_This room is disgusting!" I shuddered as I tossed a rotting banana peel on the bureau into the trash. _

"_Unrequited love is disgusting."_

"_Roger, you need to get your priorities straight." I attempted to be patient. "You've given up on grades, on girls, on sodding Quidditch! You love Quidditch! Just as much as I do!"_

"_Love, love…it's all overrated," he muttered miserably._

"_Can you at least tell me what it is you want?" I snapped, losing patience. "Do you want to ask Luna out, or—"_

"_THIS ISN'T ABOUT LUNA!"_

"_Yeah, and my name is Godric Gryffindor. Of course it's about Luna! You have to decide what you want! Moping around isn't going to solve anything. What is it that you want?"_

_He paused. "I want to get over her." I raised my eyebrows. _

"_You sure?"_

"_I must, or else I shall perish."_

_Good grief. "All right then, I'll help you. But you have to get down first."_

_Roger's eyes lit up with hope. "You will? You'll help me get over Luna?"_

"_Didn't I just say so?" I sighed. "Now get down. We need to pull your life back together."_

xxx

An hour later…

_"This isn't working!"_

_"Of course it's not working, you idiot!" I snatched the roll of toilet paper from Roger's hand. _

_"But it's supposed to work!" he insisted. "It symbolizes the act of discarding my love as it swirls out of my existence into the darkness of the deep."_

_"That's ridiculous!" I spluttered._

_"Some poetry-lover you are!" he retorted, offended. "You have no sensitivity whatsoever."_

_Dear Merlin. What am I supposed to do? Upon Roger's insistence, we had written Luna's name on countless squares of toilet paper, and Roger had chanted, "Love begone. Heart, be strong," as he flushed each one down. I had no idea how this would cure his love bug, but he had vowed that it would work._

_It didn't, obviously._

_"Plan B!" he shouted eagerly, racing back to his bedroom. I suppressed a groan and followed. When I stepped into the room, he was standing on his head._

_"What the hell are you doing?" I cried, watching his face get tomato-red from the blood rushing to his head._

_"The disease will pass out of my body, sweeping from the tips of my toes and out of my mouth as I exhale." He let out a deep breath. "See?" _

_"LOVE CANNOT BE EXHALED!"

* * *

_

"Katie? You look exhausted." I looked at her in concern as she plopped down next to me at dinner.

"You'd be exhausted, too, if you had to contend with a person who tries to exhale love," she muttered, sinking her teeth tiredly into her dinner roll.

"_What?"_

"Never mind. Could you pass me the peas?"

"Um, Katie. Listen…." I began as I handed her the bowl. "Are you busy tonight?"

"Mmhmm. I have a Potions paper due tomorrow that I haven't even started. And I'm going up to see Roger again."

"Oh."

"Why do you ask?"

_Well, I just thought it would be a great idea to make things really awkward between us by asking you out and probably risk the chance of you totally rejecting me and then we would never be together and get married and a house in Scotland and have seven kids (four boys, three girls), who would all play Quidditch phenomenally, for whom I've already thought of names..._

"Er…just wondering if you wanted to toss a Quaffle around," I lied. "Is Roger sick?"

"So _love_sick, it makes _me _sick!"

"So the _Howler _article about him was true."

Katie nodded. "Whoever wrote it was clever enough to put two and two together and figure out something -- some_one _-- has totally screwed up his love life."

"Do you mind my asking who it is?"

"I can't tell. I promised."

"But I'm--"

"NO." Her eyes flashed dangerously and I backed off, fearing for my life.

"Never mind then..."

She chewed slowly on her peas before asking, "Do you mind sharing what you and Luna were doing in the Room of Requirement?"

"You expect me to tell you after you refused to tell me who Roger is infatuated with?"

"It's '_with whom_ Roger is infatuated'; you can't end a sentence with a preposition," Katie said irritably, pushing her fringe off her forehead impatiently.

"Like you've never done it before!" I scoffed.

"Besides," she said, crossing her arms, "I promised I wouldn't tell."

"Then I have the right to refuse to tell _you _what I've been doing with Luna."

Katie raised her eyebrows. "O...kay then. Looks like I'll just have to go along with the general populace and believe you two shag regularly in the Room of Requirement."

"SHE'S MY SHRINK!" I yelled, panicking. "I am NOT sleeping with her."

Katie choked, and milk spurted out of her nose.

"That was wicked!" The twins cheered from the other side of the table, giving her a thumbs-up. "Do it again!"

"Your _shrink?" _She repeated, ignoring the twins. "But that's so..."

"Weird? Well _I_ think it's weird to have milk shoot out of your nose."

Katie shot me a dark look. _"Not _funny, Oliver. My patience with everything and everyone is running thin."

"Katie," I said, leaning closer and lowering my voice. "Why are you being so uptight? I mean, everyone else has tests and schoolwork to deal with, but they're all fine. You need to loosen up a little."

"It's my concern for Roger," she admitted. "He's putting his entire life on hold for this girl, and I'm worried."

"Don't be. He'll get over it. He's just like this because he's never had to deal with rejection before."

"I suppose..."

"Just let it go, okay?"

"I can't. He's my brother." She took a plate and began piling food on it. "I've got to go back to him. See you around."

After she left, Fred and George exchanged furtive looks. Almost immediately, they disappeared under the table, and surfaced right below me.

"Ack! Get out from there!" I yelled, kicking at them. They popped up on either side of me, shoving others aside ("Excuse me, pardon me, watch it, kid!"). As they shoved, the people sitting on the end of the long bench were bulldozed to the floor.

"Oops," they replied in unison, watching the domino effect.

"Anyway, we know all about it," said George with a conspiratorial wink.

"All about what?" I choked.

"How cute! He's feigning innocence!" cooed Fred. "As if he could keep such a secret from Mr. and Mr. Weasley!"

"WHAT SECRET?"

"Smoochy smooches! Smoochy smooches with a certain smoochy smoocher!" They sighed dramatically and batted their eyelashes toward the ceiling.

"What the bloody hell is that supposed to mean?"

"You snogged Katie Bell."

"During the holidays."

My jaw dropped to the floor. "There is no way either Katie or I told you. NO way."

"You didn't need to," Fred replied smugly. "It was written all over your face."

"Am I really that easy to read?" I grumbled.

"You're about as difficult to read as... hmm... _Dick and Jane_."

"I am NOT!" I raged.

"Fred, I wonder..." George addressed his brother, pretending to think very hard. "Since he's being such a dick, does that make me Jane?"

"Ho ho! Clever!" Fred crowed, engaging his twin in a high five with a loud SMACK.

"Hardy har. If you're all that clever then, how many times did Katie and I hook up?"

"Nine."

"DAMN!"

"We're just too good, mate," George answered breezily.

"And now the question is: Why aren't you lovebirds together?" Fred rested his head on his hands and batted his eyelashes at me. "Why aren't you two smoochy smooching and making babies?"

"This is getting a bit personal," I growled.

"Seriously, mate! We're just trying to help!"

"Remember the _last _time you tried to help?"

"Oh. Right."

I sighed. "She's just really stressed out, I think. I don't blame her for wanting the extra burden of being in a relationship right now."

"That's ridic!" Fred snorted. "The only way to relieve stress is with your significant other! Why, whenever Angelina and I are feeling really stressed, we go for a tumble in the sheets and--"

"I don't need graphic details about you and Angelina, thanks."

"Suit yourself. But mate, you need to go after her! Snatch her up before that weird Zacharias character comes back around."

"WHAT? Smith is hanging around her again?" I demanded.

"Rumor has it." George shrugged.

"But he's a Grade-A prick who is unworthy of our lovely Bell," said Fred. "Not that you're not one either..."

_"Thanks."_

"...but you two should have been together long ago."

"You should be attached by the hip!" There was a sudden, eerie silence. The twins exchanged a glance.

"Oops, gotta go, talk to you later!"

"Adios, mate!"

"Wait, where the hell do you think you're going?" I shouted, feeling rather worried.

"We've just come up with a plan!"

* * *

_**THE HOGWARTS HOWLER**__  
"We tell nothing but the truth!"  
__  
__This is the second edition of The Hogwarts Howler! Because of the overwhelming popularity that this magazine has won over only a week of publication, we will try our best to faithfully produce an issue every week. But please remember that the lovely authors have lives, and thus may have busy social calendars to put first on their list of priorities. Fanmail and monetary gifts would be appreciated, except that we prefer to remain anonymous._

_Hugs and kisses,  
Clairvoyant Claire and All-Knowing Aurora_

_The cause of the odd noise/smell in Year-3 Potions yesterday -- revealed!  
"Easy on the Beans, Finch-Fletchley!" page 2_

_"The Safest Way to Pop a Pimple," page 3_

_What REALLY goes on between Argus Filch and Mrs. Norris?  
"Bestiality At Its...Best?" page 4_

_What we think caused the tragic shoutfest between Cho and Cedric last Thursday.  
"Trouble in Paradise," page 5_

_Until next week,  
CC and AKA

* * *

_

It was evening, and I was perusing the latest edition of _The Howler _in the common room. I didn't really want to know about Justin Finch-Fletchley's gastric problems, or how to pop a pimple safely. But wait...a relationship between Filch and his cat? _What? _I flipped to page four:

_Bestiality...At Its Best?  
by AKA_

_We all have beloved pets back at home. We adore them, we caress them, we make fools out of ourselves for them. But some people seem to take it too far..._

_Argus Filch, caretaker of Hogwarts, was overherad speaking to his pet feline, Mrs. Norris, earlier this week. In the most affectionate tone imaginable, he crooned, "I cannot wait for tonight," and "I hope it'll be as good as last time." _

_The authors speculate that years ago, Mr. Filch was infatuated with a resident of Hogsmeade, a beautiful woman who happened to be, unfortunately, married. Due to his keen awareness of every detail of the woman's life, he knew of her deep fondness for the entire feline species. Unable to have the lady herself, he stole one of the kittens from her pet's litter, and named it after the lady herself..._

I threw the paper across the room. What utter bollocks! I mean, everyone knows how obsessed Filch is with his cat, but they're not having a sodding sexual relationship! But some of the school's stupider population is soaking up this story and others like it! Who the hell was behind the sodding _Howler _anyway?

"Oliver, I need your help," came a lower whisper in my ear.

"George? What's wrong?" Why did I feel so concerned for the little prick? After all the torment he and his brother have put me through over the years. But the anxious look on his face brought out my better nature.

"Come with me," he murmured quietly, and went up to the boys' dormitories without another word. I followed on his heels. What could be wrong? Maybe he had broken up with Alicia? But why would he consult _me _about it? Or maybe... Fred was dying! Fred had caught a deadly virus! Fred was passing out of this life and into the next, and he never told anyone! Not even his friends, or Angelina, or his own twin! And now it was too late! And why am I so concerned?

I started hyperventilating by the time George entered their room. I waited a second, and then I burst through the door screaming, "Fred, you can't! We'll be missing a Beater and we won't win the bloody Quidditch cup, you selfish git!"

As a blindfold was thrown over my eyes and I was shackled to a chair, I could hear Fred saying, "What the hell is he talking about? George, what did you say to him?"

"I didn't say a sodding thing!"

"Oliver? Oliver, are you here too? Oliver, I've been kidnapped!"

"Katie? Fred, George, what the hell do you think you're doing?" I shouted. I couldn't see a bloody thing through the blindfold.

"I feel kind of evil," one twin mused aloud. "It's sort of...exhilarating."

"We should do this more often," replied the other twin. "Okay, kids, here's what's up. In case you couldn't figure it out, you've been manipulated into entering this room on your own free will! Muhahahaha!"

"Fred, I think we're taking the 'evil' thing too far."

"Oh. Right you are, George."

"You're both blindfolded and tied to chairs, with your backs to each other. Capeesh?"

"HEY! What do you think you're doing?" I could hear Katie shout from behind me.

"We're casting spells on you two. Apparently you're both so thickheaded that you can't get together on your own, so we're helping you out."

"WHAT?" I yelled.

"Once attached by the hips, you'll be attached by the lips!" they sang cheerfully.

"I'm going to KILL you two!" Katie shrieked. "What makes you think Oliver and I like each other?" They merely laughed. They seemed to think that was very funny. Suddenly, I felt something encircling my waist.

"What's that? What's touching me?" I panicked.

"The spell. It won't be long now," one twin explained.

"We were very kind, you see," said the other. "We could have attached you two all day and all night, but we thought about classes and such. So you'll be attached every day starting at sunset until sunrise the next morning."

"Very complicated spell, actually," the first twin thought aloud. "You should thank us for spending so much effort on you."

"THANK you? Are you out of your MIND?"

"Okay...almost done now! There!"

The blindfold was released from my face, and I looked into the mischievous eyes of Fred Weasley. George was untying Katie's blindfold. "You're evil," I said blankly.

"As are we all!" he replied happily. "Now, we were also kind when determining how far you can be from each other. We decided on six feet. Your gratitude should be kicking in after a few seconds."

"How long will this last?" I asked desperately. "Three days at most, right?"

An evil smile spread across Fred's face. "It all depends on your progress," he said with a malicious chuckle.

"Fred! After all I've done?" I yelled. "I came in here thinking you were dying, you git!"

"Oh, how touching!" Fred cried, wiping an imaginary tear from his cheek.

"Fred, we have to scurry quickly. I can see murder in Katie's eyes," George said hastily. They both ran for the door. "On the count of three! One...two...three!" They shot a spell towards us that released the ropes around the chairs, and then they were out of there fast as lightning.

"Get them!" Katie screamed, scrambling to her feet. We ran together, but we got stuck in the door.

"Ow! Bloody hell!"

"Move sideways, Wood! Come _on!" _

By the time we finally pushed our way out the door, they had disappeared. We looked at each other helplessly.

"I don't suppose there's any point in blaming each other." I heaved a sigh. "It won't solve anything."

"Did you tell them what happened over the holidays?" Katie demanded, pointing a finger into my chest.

"No! They figured out on their own!"

Katie sighed and rolled her eyes. "I can't _believe _them. They make a cock-up out of everything! What time is it?"

"Almost ten," I replied, looking at my watch.

"I can't even get my pajamas or my toothbrush!" she said in annoyance. "The girls' staircase won't let you up with me."

"I never understood the logic of that staircase," I thought aloud. "What's so wrong with guys going up there?"

"Maybe because jackasses like the twins would cause havoc on every floor?" she replied, quirking an eyebrow.

"Oh. Right."

"If I can't go to my room, then where will I sleep?"

There was a long pause. Then, we sloooowly turned to look at each other.

"No way." Katie looked horrifed. "No _way. _The last time I slept in your bed was so bad, it was enough to last me a lifetime!" A small group of girls passed us just then (probably on their way to bed after making out with their boyfriends), but we paid no attention to them.

"It _was _terrible, wasn't it?" I thought back on it and winced.

"I was wearing that lingerie, and I was so drunk..."

"Then you accused me of accosting you the next morning."

"You're sure nothing...ever did happen that night...between us?"

"Nothing."

Katie smiled in relief. "Well, I guess I'll just...I don't know... sleep on the floor?"

"You can't. First of all, I won't let you. Second, Percy will see you. He forbids co-ed sleepovers in my bed, remember?" I said wryly.

"I'll need to borrow a shirt to sleep in," she said hesitantly. "And would it be gross to borrow your toothbrush?"

_Well, it's basically exchanging saliva, which we've done already anyway._

"No, that'll be fine."

Shortly after, we climbed into my bed. Feeling awkward and shy, we laughed nervously. "I guess I should close these before any of my roommates come in? Especially Percy." I shut the curtains around the bed.

"This is so weird. My roommates will worry. I guess I'll have to explain tomorrow. And I'm going to _kill _Fred and George!" Katie said fiercely.

"What put it into their heads that we fancied each other, anyway?" I said.

Katie laughed. "I know!"

_Wait... that's not what you were supposed to say. It was supposed to be, "Because I'm madly in love with you, Oliver!"_

"Oliver, feel this." She took my hand and led it under the sheets.

_Whoa! Feel WHAT? _I thought, my pulse racing. But then she wrapped my fingers around the space between us.

"Do you feel that?" she whispered. "It's the cord that's holding us together."

It was the strangest thing. We couldn't _see _the bond. But we could definitely feel it. It was very, very thin, and seemed fragile, but no matter how I tugged at it, it didn't break. "It stretches," I said, pulling on it. "It's bouncy."

Katie giggled. "Don't you feel silly tugging at thin air?"

"I feel like I should be more upset with the twins," I said. "But this is almost..."

"Amusing?" She laughed. "It'll be a story to tell our grandchildren one day."

_'Our' grandchildren? As in OUR grandchildren, as in children of OUR children, as in...products of OUR marriage? Or, grandchildren, as in children from our marriages to other people? _

I think too much.

"Oliver, is there anything I should know about your sleeping habits?"

"I snore sometimes. My roommates do, too, so you'll be sleeping through a massive earthquake."

"Lovely." She laughed.

"What about you?"

"Oh, I roll around a little bit. Nothing to worry about."

Oh, was THAT an understatement. Around midnight (I know, because I checked my watch), I woke up with my teeth chattering madly. I sat up and looked beside me. Katie had hogged all the blankets and was warmly cocooned inside them while I lay shivering on my side.

"My arse is one huge block of ice right now, Katie Bell," I muttered as I yanked the blankets back.

Then, around two thirty a.m., I felt a painful kick in my backside. "Bloody hell!" I cursed. "Katie!" But she was sound asleep. I cursed again and fell asleep once more.

Around four, I awoke shivering once more. "Katie!" I snapped in annoyance. She had stolen the sheets again. I rolled towards her and tugged on the blankets. Then...

WHACK! Suddenly, her arm shot backwards and smacked me in the face.

"BLOODY HELL!"

...it was a long night.


	28. Caught Up

I'M BACK! I'm terribly sorry for my long absence. I'll try to be better with updates now that summer's arrived. To tell the truth, though, it was the recent reviews I received that finally pushed me back on my feet off my lazy arse. Therefore, thank you so much to ALL my reviewers. I can't believe you still have faith that I'm alive!

...And um, I keep listening to French music and I don't know why.

* * *

_Recap that I'm sure everyone needs because I've been gone for a ridiculously long time: _So, the twins have struck again, this time by sticking Katie and Oliver together with a spell. From sunset to sunrise, they're attached by the hips, and the twins -- the mischievous monkeys that they are -- won't tell how long they're planning to keep it that way. Katie ends up having to sleep in Oliver's room, and the poor guy is awake all night because she tends to spazz out a lot during her sleep. 

**Chapter 28**

* * *

_Dear Diary,_

_I could tell Oliver didn't get a wink of sleep last night. His snores woke me up, and I could tell he was exhausted even in his sleep. Suddenly, he stopped abruptly mid-snore and woke up with a jolt. "Huh?" __He looked at me in confusion, his chocolate brown eyes heavy with sleep. Bloody hell, he is adorable!_

_"Good morning," he mumbled, propping himself up on his elbows.  
_

_"Um, it's not even six o'clock. You can sleep in."_

_"No, s'okay." He yawned.  
_

_ "I'm awfully sorry," I apologized, biting my lip. "I tend to kick around during nightmares. I should have warned you."_

_"You had a nightmare? Are you okay?" he asked immediately. It was touching to see how concerned he was.  
_

_"I'm fine now, thanks," I said with a smile. "It just wasn't...pleasant...while it lasted."_

_"What was it about?"_

_I hesitated. "I'd rather not say, if you don't mind. I'm sorry."_

_"Was it very bad?"_

_"Kind of."_

_"Oh." He stifled another yawn. "Say, what time is it?"_

_"Almost six, like I said."_

_"__What? I didn't have early morning practice scheduled today, did I?" he demanded.  
_

_No, and thank God you didn't. "Nope. You can sleep in. You deserve it, after being so abused last night."_

_"I'd rather not, now that I'm awake." He jumped out of bed, but while he did, his foot got caught in the sheets. With a yell, he tumbled toward the floor. Suddenly, I felt a sharp yank around my waist, and then all at once, I was lying on top of him on the floor with the sheets wound around us as if we were mummies._

_"Ouch!" I cried, rubbing my head, which had collided painfully with his shoulder. I tried to shift away from him._

_"Ow! Your hipbone is digging into my leg!"_

_"Sorry!" It took us forever to get untangled from each other and the sheets, but we managed to pull apart._

_"What the bloody hell was __that?" Oliver demanded._

_"Newsflash, Wood! We're attached by the hip until the sun rises, remember?" _

_Pause._

_"Remind me to kill Fred and George."  
_

* * *

"All right, practice is over!" I shouted to the team that afternoon. 

"Finally," the twins grumbled as they strapped the Bludgers in the box.

"_Except_ for you two." I stood before them with my arms crossed.

"Busted," Angelina said with a smirk.

"Sweet." Alicia grinned, and they sauntered away with a laugh.

Katie shifted from one foot to the other. "Um...this also concerns me, doesn't it?" she asked.

"It does, but I'll take care of it."

"I'd rather give them a piece of my mind, too," she said, glaring at the twins, who pretended to cower in fear.

"How about I give them a piece of my mind now, and you give them a piece of yours later?" I suggested. "That way there's double the fun for them," I said with a grimace.

"Could you not talk about us as if we weren't here?" George complained.

"In my mind, you shouldn't even exist," I retorted.

"I'm looking forward to our little_ talk." _Katie shot a fierce glare at the twins once more and left.

"This is going to be good," Fred muttered.

"What the hell are you thinking?" I shouted. "You guys have been avoiding me every time I tried to approach you!"

"We're doing you a _favor, _mate!" George argued.

"Let me guess. I'll be owled a bill later on?" I said dryly.

"It's on us, Wood!" Fred pressed on. "We're helping you out free of charge. Don't you fancy the pants off of Katie?"

"I do, but I don't want -- I don't _need _your help. It's not right."

"What do you mean it's not right? We got you two to _sleep _together, for crying out loud!" George exclaimed. Suddenly, they exchanged glances and smirked. "Did anything happen?" they demanded at once.

"NO!" I yelled.

"He's so modest," Fred said affectionately. "How adorable."

I grabbed them both by the front of their robes. "Get rid of the spell. _Now." _The twins exchanged a glance and squirmed.

"Er, you see..." Fred began.

"The problem with that is..."

"...we sort of..."

"...don't know how."

I stared at them blankly. "You've got to be kidding me."

"We're figuring it out!" George said defensively. "Give us some time. Sheesh!"

_Breathe, _I commanded myself. _Remember what Luna said. Focus. Relax. Breathe.  
_

_"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU IDIOTS DON'T KNOW HOW TO END THE SPELL!" _I yelled. The twins took a step back warily.

"Should we run?" George stage-whispered to Fred.

"We don't have to," Fred replied. He pointed. "The sun's setting."

It took me a second to realize what was going on. Then...

"ARGHHHHH!" At lightning speed, I was dragged by some invisible force towards the castle. I hurtled into the hallway at breakneck speed. "WATCH OUT!" I yelled as three terrified first-years ducked for cover. I tried to drag my feet to brake, but it made no difference; I kept being pulled against my will.

"AHHH!" Crabbe and Goyle shrieked; their heads crashed together as I barreled straight into them.

"Sorry about that!" I shouted over my shoulder, but already the invisible pull was dragging me deeper into the castle. _What a nightmare, _I thought. _Could it get any worse?_ I rounded the corner and suddenly, the crowd waiting for the Great Hall doors to open for dinner came into view.

Apparently it _could _get worse.

"WATCH OUT!"

"BLOODY HELL!"

"OWWW!"

"Who the hell was _that?_"

Before I could even _attempt_ to apologize to anyone, I plummeted through the crowd and was being pulled down another hallway when I heard loud screams approaching. My eyes opened wide as I recognized Katie, with her hair streaming wildly behind her, rushing at lightning speed toward me with panic written all over her face.

_CRASH!_ We collided and hit the floor.

The only thing I could see at first were little blue birds twittering in a circle above my head. Eventually, the birds faded away, and when I opened my eyes, I saw Katie looking similarly stunned.

_"Bloody hell!" _we shouted together.

"It was the spell," she said at once. "It's sunset. We're back together now."

"Would you mind if I murdered the twins?"

"Only if I can help."

"Most definitely." Wincing, we helped each other up and dusted each other off. "You okay, Katie?"

"No, I'll have bruises for years to come."

"Our crash was like...the Big Bang."

"Probably bigger," she replied. "How many people did you ram into?"

"Too many to count," I said, grimacing at the thought of all the people I'd knocked down.

"Same. I almost killed Professor Flitwick."

"I can live with that; I never really liked Charms anyway."

Katie glanced at me sharply, and then she burst out laughing. "It was so traumatic and infuriating that it's hilarious, you know?" she tried to explain as she wiped the tears from her eyes.

"I can't quite understand your logic," I muttered, and that set her off laughing again.

Eventually, Katie's laughter died down and she stepped close to me. "Oliver, why do you suppose the twins did this?"

"Haven't they made it obvious enough?" I asked. "They think we fancy each other."

"So you still fancy me?" she asked quietly.

"What makes you doubt it?"

Katie bit her lip and turned away. Then all at once, she whirled around to face me and suddenly said, "It's like the holidays never happened. When we came back to school after New Year's, I expected you'd say something, _anything_. But you didn't! You didn't say a word about it!"

"What are you talking about?" I asked, extremely confused.

"What happened between _us_, Oliver! Or have you forgotten?"

Wait a minute... "But Katie, weren't_ you_ avoiding the subject?" I asked in bewilderment.

Her eyes were wide with confusion. "No! Um...well, maybe... no. You're confusing me."

"You're confusing _me!" _I exclaimed. "All this time, I've been wondering if you're still pining for Smith, and now suddenly-"

"Zach? What does he have to do with it?"

If I were any more confused, I'd probably go insane. "I heard you were hanging out with him again..."

"By 'hanging out,' it means him stalking me," Katie said, shaking her head. "I broke up with him officially. Apparently he wants me back."

"Oh my God, I can't believe this conversation is turning out this way." I ran my fingers through my hair in an attempt to hide my agitation. "So what you mean to say is..."

"I don't know!" she said, wringing her hands. "I'm so confused!"

_Females!_ They say one thing one moment, and another thing the next moment. They're like an entirely different species! _(A/N: Funny how I say that, huh?)_

"Katie." I took her hands in mine. "I've made it no secret about how I feel about you. But how do you feel about-"

"Mind if I interrupt?"

Katie and I turned to the intruder.

"What do you _want_, Zach?" Katie snapped. I was pleased to note that she sounded very annoyed at him.

"I need to talk to you," he demanded.

"I'm speaking to Oliver."

"Can't he go away for a second?"

Katie glanced at the space separating her from me, as if she could see the invisible thread connecting us. "No."

"But..."

"Just say what you have to say."

"I can't believe you broke up with me!" he wailed, his voice cracking. "You love me!"

"Love is overrated," she replied dismissively. "I don't believe in it."

Wait, _what? _So then what had she been trying to tell _me?_

_"_I gave you back rubs! I bought you nice things!" Smith cried. "I pretended to like poetry!"

"You. Were. Pretending." Katie pronounced each word with cold disbelief. She was absolutely furious. Smith winced, as if he knew he'd done something wrong.

That's right, kid. You screwed up. Big time. I probably shouldn't feel this happy.

"I'm sorry! I just never liked it! It's just _poetry!"_

_"_It's not about the bloody poetry!" Katie snapped. "I wouldn't have cared if you didn't like it! What I care about is that our entire relationship was based on pretense, wasn't it?"

"But..."

"Last time I checked, relationships aren't about back rubs and nice things and pretending to like poetry."

Smith sputtered. His face grew darker in shades of red until it was a very unpleasant maroon color. "This isn't over, Katie," he snapped. He stormed between us to push his way through when he sprang backwards with a jolt.

"What the hell?" he raged, trying to push through once more. I realized at the same time Katie did: the thread between us was blocking his way, even though none of us could see it. Smith kept trying to push through but bounced back over and over again, like some ridiculous rubber ball.

"I don't know what trick this is, but it's not funny!" he spat, and stormed away in the opposite direction looking completely humiliated.

That. Was. Bloody. HILARIOUS.

"Did you see him bouncing back and forth?" I cracked up. "You think he'd give up after the first, oh I don't know... thirty times?"

"Oliver, that wasn't funny." She paused, as if thinking. "Actually, never mind, it was. Was I too mean?"

"You couldn't have been more angelic," I replied proudly.

"I probably should have done that long ago." Katie shrugged and smiled. She took one step forward and took the end of my tie, gently tugging me closer to her. "Well, I'm thinking... after dinner, maybe we could finish our conversation where we left off?"

I grinned. "Sounds perfect."

But of course, things never work out as planned...

* * *

"Well," Katie said after our last bite of dinner. "Shall we continue our conversation upstairs?" 

"My room?"

"Without a question."

"Is it wrong for me to hope that we'll be doing more than just conversing?" I asked innocently.

"No, and you're not the only one," Katie admitted with a grin.

"Not so fast, Wood!" came a voice from behind us.

"Roger!" we both said in surprise.

"What is this?" he demanded, shoving a paper into my face.

"Isn't that an old issue of the _Howler?"_ Katie asked curiously. "What are you doing with that?"

"No, the question is, 'What is _Wood_ doing with _Luna?'"_ Roger seethed through clenched teeth.

"Nothing!" I said in my defense. "This is an old paper, Roger. You're telling me you found this _now?" _

"In a trash bin."

"Well Roger hasn't exactly been in the 'normal' world for a while," Katie pointed out. "His depression, you know? He was moping for so long over..." She suddenly clamped her hand over mouth.

"You. Fancy. Luna," I said in disbelief.

"First you have an affair with Luna, and now you've moved on already to my stepsister?" Roger raged. "Who do you think you are?"

"Well, Roger... you haven't exactly been a one-girl guy yourself, if you know what I mean," Katie commented. "You were always kind of a player..."

"You're not helping, Katie," Roger snapped. "What I want to know is what Oliver was doing with Luna."

"I did _nothing_ with Luna!" I replied irritably. "How many sodding times do I have to repeat myself?"

"At least once more," Roger growled, raising his arm.

"Roger, _don't!"_ Katie shouted, trying to intervene.

Roger lunged at me, and I swerved out of his way. Arms flailing, he toppled between Katie and me, catching on the stupid line between us.

"What the hell is this?" he yelled in confusion, wondering why he was trapped between us by what looked to be thin air.

"Tell me this is _not_ happening again!" Katie shrieked, trying to push Roger away. "First Zach, now you?"

Roger swung his fists again at me, and I ducked out of the way. Katie let out a stifled cry as the rope yanked her waist; meanwhile, Roger was still caught between us and yet still trying to beat me to a pulp.

"Fight back, you coward!" he howled.

"I can't believe you like _Luna!"_ I maneuvered away from him once more, pulling all of us around in a circle.

"I'm feeling a bit dizzy," Katie moaned. "We really have to stop."

"I'd stop if this idiot didn't want to kill me!"

The ridiculous dance went on, with Roger growling and lunging, me dodging and ducking, and poor Katie... well, twisting and turning with us helplessly. Suddenly, Roger went rigid.

"I can't move," he said in astonishment.

"The bloody rope is twisted all around us, you ponce!" Katie snapped. "You just couldn't give up, could you?"

"_What _rope?" Roger demanded.

"This one." I tugged on the invisible line, which was wound tightly around all of us. Roger felt it, too, and looked at Katie and me in bewilderment.

"Um. Sorry?"

* * *

"We look like a sodding freak show," Katie grumbled as we hopped as best we could to the hospital wing. An intrigued crowd started following us, growing in number as word spread that Roger Davies, Katie Bell, and Oliver Wood were bumping all over each other with, apparently, nothing binding them together. 

"Uh... shouldn't you guys be explaining to everyone why we're stuck like this?" Roger muttered, glowering at Draco Malfoy, who had a malicious smirk on his face while he watched our pitiful attempts to move along.

"And add even more embarrassment to this fiasco? I'd love to," Katie replied sarcastically.

"This is worse than those stupid three-legged races Muggles do," Roger commented.

"Yeah, maybe because we're doing a sodding _six_-legged one?" I shot back.

"Oh. Right."

Apparently, some people thought it'd be funny to imitate us by finding some rope of their own, wrapping it around themselves and two other people, and following us down the hallway.

"C'mon, slowpokes! We're beating you!" Draco crowed as he, Crabbe, and Goyle shuffled past us like some grotesque, three-headed crab.

"That's not fair! You're not all tangled up like we are!" Roger shouted angrily. "Do you know how bloody difficult this is?"

"Just ignore them," I said with a sigh.

"Could this be more mortifying?" Katie whispered, watching as the entire hallway filled with groups of threes roped together and shuffling around us as if this was some kind of great race.

"Don't worry. Look, we're here!" I said in relief as I spotted the doors to the hospital wing.

"I don't see how Madam Pomfrey can help..." Roger muttered doubtfully.

"Well who else would we go to? Trelawney? So she could tell us that this means our futures will be entwined for the rest of our lives?" I retorted.

"Hello, all you people!" came a dreamy voice from behind us.

"Speak of the devil," Roger whispered in amazement. "Professor Trelawney!"

"Shoo, all of you," she said in the same dreamy voice to the crowd behind us. "Time for bed, chop chop!"

"Professor, it's only eight o'clock," a third-year behind us complained.

"Chop chop!" she repeated with a smile. The students groaned, and turned to leave. To my amusement, I saw that Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle were having difficulty undoing their knot. _Serves you right, suckers._

"We have a problem, professor," Katie explained hastily. "We're all stuck together. We need to see Madam Pomfrey."

"Who happens to be on vacation," Trelawney said.

"WHAT?" we wailed.

"I will find some assistance," Trelawney said with a dreamy smile. She swept halfway down the hall before she stopped and turned. "You know what this means, don't you?"

"What, professor?" I asked wearily.

"Your futures will be entwined for the rest of your lives!"

* * *

"I told you she'd say that." 

"Okay, Oliver, we get the point."

"I can't believe this. Madam Pomfrey's gone, and all anyone can do is push two hospital beds together for us and expect us to stay here for the rest of the night?" Roger complained.

"All right, let's do this rationally, shall we?" Katie said. I could tell she was struggling to remain patient. "Okay, we're all going to have to hop onto the bed at the same time. On the count of three: one...two...three!"

We leapt, and...almost... made it. We crashed onto the floor.

"BLOODY HELL!"

It took us fifteen minutes to climb onto the sodding bed. But even after we made it, we had problems. It sort of went like this:

"Roger, you're on _top _of me."

"Well Katie, your bloody chin is digging into my face."

"Ouch! That was my boob, Wood!"

"Oops, sorry."

"Roger, you really have to get off me. This feels so wrong. Not to mention painful."

"Yeah, as if I _like_ being on top of my stepsister."

"Then _get off!"_

"I'm trying. Sheesh!"

"Ugh, finally! Is everyone somewhat comfortable?"

"If having your stepsister and your best mate crushing your balls on either side of you is comfortable, then yes."

"Shut up, Roger."

"Katie, please don't kick during the night."

"Don't worry, Wood, that's only during nightmares."

"THIS WHOLE BLOODY FIASCO IS A NIGHTMARE!"

"Shut up, Roger."

* * *

_Dear Diary,_

_We had a visitor that night, a visitor we weren't aware of as we slept. A visitor who seemed to know Oliver and I were on the verge of finally getting together._

_A visitor who wanted us apart._

* * *

A/N: Annoying, isn't it? If I were a reader, I think I'd hunt me down and strangle me. 

And, um, how _awesome_ was the 5th movie?

* * *


	29. And Yet Another Weasley Interference

-SPOILER ALERT!- I'm assuming most people have finished the seventh book by now...(?) Was anyone else extremely distressed over the death of a certain Weasley? I think I was more upset about his death than that of all the other characters combined. He was my absolute favorite character, but he just _had _to be killed off. Gee, thanks, JKR.

Sorry for my bitterness. But what puts me in a much better mood is that...

**_I LOVE YOU ALL!! _**You got me over a thousand reviews! -blows kisses and hugs and flowers and miniature Oliver Woods- Not to mention I've gotten some of the nicest reviews possible for the previous chapter. Thank you all SO much. Really. And for staying by me for this long, you deserve to know that -- believe it or not -- this story is coming to a close. I believe I'm ending at 32 chapters (I'm deciding on whether or not to do an epilogue), meaning I have three chapters left. I promise it'll be worthwhile, so please stick around for the rest!

* * *

**Chapter 29**

"There. That was some pretty complicated spellwork, I must say." Flitwick shot us a puzzled glance.

It was the next morning. We'd been woken by Professor Flitwick, who'd been told about our... predicament... and who'd hurried down to help us as soon as he heard. After many "hmms" and "hahs" and stroking of the chin, he had done some fancy Charms work to untangle the thread around Roger, Katie, and me, much to our relief.

"I don't think you want to know how it happened," Katie blurted hastily. "It was all a misunderstanding."

"There's still some kind of peculiar connection between you and Wood here, though, Miss Bell," Flitwick said, poking at the space between Katie and me with his wand. "I'm assuming this is the result of a spell."

"Yes, unfortunately," Katie said with a sigh.

"And I made the mistake of getting tangled up in this ridiculous affair," Roger rumbled.

"Literally. Haha, get it?" I chortled. But I shut up after seeing the looks of incredulous disbelief on the others' faces.

"I don't suppose you'd want me to remove it?"

Katie and I stared at each other, stupefied. All this time, we thought we'd have to stay attached until those idiot Tweedledum and Tweedledumber figured out a way to end the spell. And now, we were being offered a solution that was so easy it was almost pathetic?

How pathetic.

Taking our dumbfounded looks as a yes, Professor Flitwick flicked his wand in our direction. Immediately, the bind around our waists loosened, and then vanished altogether.

"Well, if you don't mind, I have classes to prepare for so I'll be off," said Flitwick. "Good day."

As the door shut behind him, Katie and I stared at each other again. After all the drama, all the chaos, the end was almost...

"Anticlimactic, isn't it?" Katie remarked with wry smile.

"Rather," I agreed.

"And to think that we didn't even _have _to spend the night here!" grumbled Roger as he glared hatefully at the hospital beds we'd slept on. "This whole time, all we had to do was trek up to Flitwick's room and ask him to fix this bloody mess."

"But it let us have a wonderful sleepover together!" I said in a cheerful falsetto. "Didn't we have a splendid time?"

"Yeah, my balls are still numb from having you two crush them from either side," Roger snapped.

"It's always about the balls..." Katie rolled her eyes.

"They're the family jewels, Katherine!" Roger answered hotly. "I'm the future of our family, you know!"

"If you are the future, I feel bad for the next generation," Katie replied. I let out a bark of laughter and Roger shot me a fierce glare.

"Shut up, Wood. And I better not find you making moves on Luna... _or else._" Then he stormed out the doors.

"Touchy, isn't it? Never was a morning person." I moved to leave the hospital wing as well when Katie caught my arm.

"Hey. We never got to talk last night," she whispered.

"About what?" I whispered back, feeling like we were part of some cool secret agent conspiracy...thing. "Don't tell me. Roger's birthday's coming up, isn't it? You're having a surprise party! Can we attack him in the shower? When he's off his guard. It'd be bloody hilarious. I've always wanted to do that after that Muggle movie we saw by...what's his name? Albert Hit-your-cock. Funniest name I've ever heard."

"It's Alfred Hitchcock, first of all. And secondly..." Katie shook her head in confusion. "Oliver, we... we were going to talk about... us."

I blinked. "Us?"

"Why are you doing this?" she demanded, hurt. "Is this some kind of joke?"

"What? I'm absolutely serious -- I have no idea what you're talking about," I replied truthfully.

Katie opened her mouth as if to speak, and then closed it. "Never mind," she said dully. "I should've known it wouldn't work out. _Again."_

She left, leaving me to finger the locket I had around my neck. I didn't have the slightest idea where it had come from, but it comforted me all the same.

* * *

_**THE HOGWARTS HOWLER**  
"We tell nothing but the truth!"_

_Missed us? Here's yet another fabulous edition of your number one gossip tabloid, the _Howler!

_Your guide to communicating with the opposite sex  
"Pick-up Lines 101," page 2_

_Our speculation: Eddie Carmichael is using Marietta Edgecombe to make his ex jealous  
"Love...For the Wrong Reasons?," page 4_

_The headmaster's sweet tooth, evident through the choice of passwords to his office,  
worry us that he is well onto the deathly path to diabetes.  
"Passwords? ...or Pernicious Passions?," page 5_

_5 of Hogwarts' Best-looking Bachelors  
"The Finest Five," page 6_

**HOT TOPIC!  
**_Why we're convinced the Arithmancy substitute teacher is a vampire  
with intentions to seduce our very own Professor Sinistra  
"Love at First...Bite?" page 7_

_You know you love us!  
-CC and AKA_

* * *

_Dear Diary,_

_It's been confirmed, even by the press. The thought that Oliver no longer fancied me was bad enough; the fact that the whole school is now acknowledging it is just...pathetic._

(A/N: The following scenes are still written in Katie's diary. Her point of view is very long in this chapter, and so to spare your poor eyes, I put it in normal font and not in italics. I'll mark clearly where Oliver's POV begins again. Sorry, but I think this is the best way.)

_xxx_

"Katie, I think you need to read this." Angelina pushed the latest copy of_ The Howler_ across the table to me. I groaned.

"You know how I refuse to read that trash, Angie-"

"I'll do it, then." She flipped open to a page and read aloud. "'Oliver Wood, in our opinion, is now _the_ number one hottest bachelor around. The sexy Gryffindor Quidditch Captain's apparent obsession with teammate and fifth-year Katie Bell seems to be a thing of the past. Now back on the market, he's hotter than ever. With Saint Valentine's Day just around the corner, Wood is certainly a prime target to keep your eyes on.'"

Awkward silence.

"Are they _serious? _Are they MAD?" I shrieked.

"Not to mention they think Dumbledore's a diabetic on his deathbed and that Professor Sinistra is being seduced by the Arithmancy substitute, who's apparently a vampire."

"It's madness," Alicia agreed with a nod. "I can't believe people are getting away with publishing such bollocks."

"Actually, I heard McGonagall's doing a full-scale investigation into this," Angelina said. "She wants this thing stopped -- _now_. And she's not the only one."

Alicia took the paper from Angelina and scanned the headlines. She let out a low whistle. "Oh, I bet Eddie's getting an earful from Marietta right now...poor bloke. Bet the rumor isn't even true."

"It's hurtful, these rumors," Angelina said angrily. "They didn't have to mention Katie like that."

"Plus, I honestly can't believe Oliver would just... suddenly stop liking you," Alicia said to me. "That's so unlike him. He's usually so predictable. Almost boring, actually, quite unlike my Georgie-poo..."

Georgie-poo. That makes me want to vomit. Projectile vomit. All over Oliver sodding Wood.

"So what are you going to do?" Angelina asked, looking in my direction anxiously.

"I don't know. Kill myself?"

"KATIE!"

"Just kidding."

* * *

**Oliver's POV**

St. Valentine's Day. Normally, I can't stand February 14th, but this year was different. I stood before my mirror, gazing with approval at my clean-shaven, heart-stoppingly good-looking face. I left my hair a bit messy and my tie a bit unloosened on purpose.

Wow. If I was a girl, I'd do me.

I headed for the main entrance, where everyone was gathered to head to Hogsmeade. I stepped out of the doors and stepped into a throng of girls who were waiting for me.

Life is sweet.

* * *

_Dear Diary,_

_Today was Valentine's Day, and it went something like this..._

_xxx_

(still Katie's POV)

"This is rather...depressing." I glared hatefully at the pink and red decorations covering the entire town.

"I thought you loved pink," Fred commented, gazing into store windows here and there.

"Har har. You know I hate it."

"Damn. Why does Angelina have to be sick today of all days?" he said suddenly, looking disappointed. "I'd made plans and everything."

"And why must Alicia and I be fighting today of all days?" George groaned.

"Oh, well I'm _so_ sorry you have to be stuck with just little ol' Katie," I grumbled.

"Nah, you know we love you," Fred said fondly, slinging an arm around my shoulder.

"Hey look! Madam Puddifoot's!" George pointed.

"Let's make faces at those losers through the window!" Fred suggested excitedly, pulling me along as he and his brother eagerly raced to the store. We peered into the window, our noses and hands pressed against the glass. What I saw inside sickened me, and I'm not talking about just the frilly tablecloths or the cherubs tossing confetti.

Seated at a round table in the center of the room, with about a dozen girls gazing adoringly at him around the table, was Oliver Wood.

"Blimey! What does that tosser think he's doing?" George exclaimed, shaking his head in disgust.

"Well, I'm off, boys," I said, trying to sound casual when actually I felt nauseous. "Catch you later?"

"Yeah..." they muttered vaguely, still peering into the window.

I hurried away before they could follow; I knew they would keep asking, "Are you okay?" and "Don't tell me you're still into _him!" _until I assured them that no, I didn't like that wanker anymore, but they still wouldn't believe me. I just wanted to get away as far as possible from all other signs of human life, and so I made a beeline for the grassy slope beyond the borders of the Shrieking Shack. I slumped onto the grass, digging my teeth savagely into the chunk of Honeydukes' chocolate I'd bought earlier. I couldn't get over the thought of Oliver basking in the attention of all those girls. He never used to be like that before...right?

"Is this seat taken?" I turned and saw Luna, who pointed to the patch of grass beside me.

"Not really a seat, is it?" I said through a mouthful of chocolate as she sat beside me.

"Your mind isn't on heart-shaped lollies and pink ponies," Luna stated calmly, shaking her head slightly when I wordlessly offered her a piece of chocolate.

"No, not exactly."

Luna twirled a blade of grass between her fingers. "My mum died when I was young," she began suddenly. "One of her spells backfired."

"I'm sorry," I said, meaning it, though I was confused because how exactly did that pertain to me?

"After she was buried, my dad said, 'I didn't realized how much she meant to me until now.' But by then, it was too late." She turned to me and smiled. "Sometimes, it _is _too late. But it doesn't have to be."

I stared at her. "You're talking about Oliver," I said, not knowing exactly how I knew that, but at the same time, wondering if it really mattered.

Then, randomly, she said, "I've been talking to your stepbrother, Davy Rogers." That sent me into a fit of giggles.

"You mean Roger. Roger Davies." I corrected, laughing, until I suddenly realized what exactly she had said. "Wait, _you've been talking to Roger?" _

"Yes," she replied calmly.

"About _what?" _I was dying of curiosity.

"Some people fit well together. Others don't," Luna said vaguely, staring at the sky. She pointed, suddenly, at the clouds. "I thought I just saw a Crumple-Horned Snorkack. Did you?" But I couldn't even laugh at her, as most other people normally would have. Instead, I was staring at her, speechless.

People are always talking about how barmy Luna is, how it's like she in another world. But then she knew that I'd lost Oliver, that I'd taken him for granted. I thought back to how I'd gotten angry at him for no reason at all, how I'd mistreated him. She knew that Roger had been crazy over her, and that while she and my stepbrother would never be together, Oliver and I _could._

"You're telling me I should get him back?" I asked slowly.

Luna smiled.

* * *

**Oliver's POV**

This...was bliss.

I folded my hands behind my head and leaned back in my chair with content, looking around the table at the hot girls who surrounded me. Funny, I'd always thought I was a one-girl kind of guy, and I'd criticized Roger for being a manwhore. Now the tables were turned. Except I'd prefer not to think of myself as a manwhore. The word connotes dirtiness and a strong chance of having an STD, neither of which characterizes me.

But I digress.

"So I _did _havea fan club after all," I commented. "And I'd thought it was just rumors."

"Oh my _Gawd_, we were starting to lose hope about you and that _other _girl," one of them whined. Then, perking up, she smiled and said, "But that's over now."

I frowned. "What_ 'other' _girl?"

"Tsk tsk, Wood. You disappoint us." I swiveled around in my chair to face Fred and George.

"What the hell do you want?" I was peeved by the interruption.

"Can't you see we're a bit _busy_ here?" Taylor Somers snapped, popping her gum in annoyance. "There are too many people at this table already, so you can just leave now."

"But the more the merrier!" George exclaimed happily, roughly shoving two girls aside and pulling up a chair between them. Fred did the same at the other side of the table, saying, "Oops, pardon me! Sorry 'bout that!" but the grins on their faces clearly showed how _not_ sorry they were.

Fred grabbing the teapot from the center of the table. He helped himself to the hot tea, then practically threw the pot over to George, who was throwing an arm to his right trying to reach the sugar. His hand knocked into a girl's face.

"Ow!" she wailed, slapping his hand aside.

Even as I glared fiercely at them, the the twins finished stirring their tea to their satisfaction, and at last sat beaming at the rest of us around the table. For once they didn't speak a word, and this ended up being even worse because the rest of us were left to stare at them in awkward silence. They merely smiled in a placid way, slurping their tea contentedly.

"Well! Isn't this cozy!" Fred chirped at last, breaking the silence. "Anyone want to share any juicy gossip?" Thirteen pairs of eyes (including mine) glared at him.

"I feel awed in the presence of all this girl power," George breathed with an exaggerated, rapturous joy. "It feels almost...holy." He folded his hands as if he were at church. Fred, catching on quickly, clasped his hands together as well and they both raised their worshipful gazes to the ceiling. In a soft, high undertone, Fred sang, "Ahhhh..." mimicking the the voices of a choir.

"Cut it out," I hissed, knowing that the intent of their antics was to mock me.

"You know how to celebrate such inspiring girl power?" Fred asked George across the table.

"You know I do, girlfriend!" George gushed in an exaggerated falsetto.

Before the rest of us could figure out what they were doing, the twins' hands met across the table and started clapping back and forth rapidly.

"Miss Mary Mack, Mack Mack-"

"All dressed in black, black black-"

"With silver buttons, buttons, buttons-"

"All down her back, back, back-"

As they continued their ridiculous hand game, I noticed more than one of the girls squirming uncomfortably, as if they were starting to think about leaving. Not wanting that to happen, I seized the twin's hands and forced them to stop.

"Fun and games are over!" I ordered, narrowing my eyes at them threateningly.

"Fine..." George said with a sigh, pushing his chair back to stand up. "We'll leave." The twins trudged slowly away from the table, and with each step they took away from us, the more relief the rest of us felt. They were almost at the door when Fred suddenly turned and said, "WAIT! I FORGOT SOMETHING!"

Those of us at the table groaned as Fred scurried back to us. He began scanning the floor, as if looking for something. He dove under the table, banging into all our legs as he did so. "Blimey, where IS it?" he muttered. He finally emerged from under the table, looking forlorn. "I couldn't find it."

"Find what?" I asked in exasperation.

"MY SANITY!" Fred crowed, spastically jumping into the air. He shut his eyes closed and held his arms out like a zombie. "MARCO!"

"POLO!" Our heads turned to see that, while Fred had distracted us, George had come back to the table and was now dashing madly around it to avoid being caught by his brother in their new mad game.

"MARCO!" Fred crashed into Padma, almost knocking her and her chair over. She shrieked and pushed him away, but Fred reached out and grabbed her. "Got you!"

"Get off me, you git!" she screamed.

"Ho, ho! That doesn't sound like George... MARCO!"

"POLO!"

_"ENOUGH!" _I bellowed furiously, causing the twins to come skidding to a halt.

"Our captain's got the roar of a lion," George boasted, beaming with pride. "A true Gryffindor."

"Hear, hear!" Fred, whose eyes were open once again, banged a teacup on the table. Its hot contents splattered all over Taylor, who screamed wildly and jumped to her feet in shock.

"You psychos are ruining our date!" she shrieked shrilly.

"Hmm...what's the definition of a date, George?" Fred pondered aloud. "Last time I checked, it involved a couple, meaning _two _people."

"I see thirteen people here, Fred," George replied, counting heads. "So nope, it's not a date."

Shaking with silent rage, Taylor sank back into her seat when all of a sudden, there was this _FBBBPPPT _noise. She turned crimson with embarrassment, turned to me, and beseechingly said, "It wasn't me, Oliver, I swear! Please don't think I'm that disgusting!"

Fred and George pranced around the table singing, "Taylor's a fartface, Taylor's a fartface!"

Taylor stood and pulled something out from beneath her, revealing one of the Weasleys' famous whoopie cushions. "You... you _beastly_ things, you!" she cried, looking almost terrible in her fury. I smacked my forehead with the palm of my hand. Could things get any worse?

Apparently, they could.

"'You beastly things, you.' I like the sound of that," Fred said, cocking his head to the side. "What do you say to a jig and a jingle, Forge?"

"Right behind you, Gred!" They clambered onto the table, put one arm each around the other, and began kicking their legs up rapidly in some kind of mad jig. They sang at the top of their lungs, improvising as they went along.

_They said..._

_'You beastly things, you!  
We'll throw you in a zoo!  
We'll lock the bars  
And slam the door  
And never let you through!'_

_Well, we won't give in so easy  
We're not exactly measley  
We'll sock your face  
Up into space  
'Cause we're the sodding WEASLEYS!_

The twins flicked their wands toward the tabletop. All at once, what was once the teapot was dashing across the table in the form of a huge, grotesque rat; the little teacups became tiny white mice that scurried into our laps. Terrified shrieks filled the air as girls clawed and clambered over each other to reach the door. Madam Puddifoot herself appeared from the back room and screamed herself silly.

"Out, out!" she howled, clobbering Fred, George, and me over the head with a broomstick. I threw several Galleons on the table to cover the damage, and, cowering before her frenzied rage, the three of us ran out of there as if wild banshees on our tail.

Once we were outside, however...

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL DID YOU TOSSERS THINK YOU WERE DOING?" I yelled at the top of my lungs. "Did you think that was _funny?_ Did you get a _kick _out of your pranks? Well I hope you did, because I'll work you two so hard on the Quidditch field, you'll wish you were _dead_-"

"Okay, we won't lie. We _did _get a kick out of that..." George began.

"But we didn't do it just for fun," Fred finished, his tone surprisingly serious. "We owed it to a friend."

"You _owed it to a friend?"_ I repeated furiously.

"We don't know what tricks you're playing, Wood, but we don't find them amusing," George declared solemnly.

_"What tricks?" _I demanded.

"C'mon, George, let's go. This wanker makes me sick."

I stared as they walked away, feeling utterly confused and mistreated. My hand went automatically to my neck, and the strange locket that hung from it rested cool and comforting in my palm.

* * *

A/N: Okay, sorry about the format change, but I think I have to do it. The tables have been turned; whereas throughout the story Oliver was trying to win Katie, now _she _has to win _him _back. Meaning, the POV will be very Katie, Katie, Katie for the next couple chapters. I tried to make it as clear as possible, so I hope you don't mind the change too much. I'm just worried for your poor eyes' sakes! 


	30. Role Reversal

In which Katie attempts to win Oliver back. I find it amusing that she ends up resorting to a multi-plan strategy similar to the one Oliver used many chapters back.

* * *

_Recap: _Katie and the twins just don't get it -- Oliver seems to have completely forgotten his infatuation with Katie! Instead, he's going off having dates with twelve girls at a time at Madam Puddifoot's, which angers Fred and George so much that they completely ruin Oliver and his fan club's Valentine's Day for good. Meanwhile, Katie receives valuable advice from Luna, who tells her that it's never too late (and who apparently has been talking to Roger but about what, we don't know yet). So, what exactly is up with Oliver? Katie, Fred, and George are going undercover.

* * *

**Chapter 30**

_Dear Diary,_

_I'm following Luna's advice. I have to get him back. __Now, I have to be smart about this, right? Meaning, I have to have a plan, one that'll be foolproof._

_No problem._

_xxx_

_Plan 1: Use the damsel-in-distress technique._

_xxx_

_(still Katie's POV)_

"Katie, are you sure this is a good idea?" Leanne whispered as we peered at Oliver from behind a bookcase. "What if he doesn't catch y--"

I rolled my eyes. "For the last time, Leanne. It's foolproof! What man can resist a damsel in distress?"

"Well, he can if he no longer fancies her..." she said uncertainly.

I shot a glare at her. "Have a little faith, nonbeliever. You'll see." I swiveled my head in both directions to make sure no one was in sight. Actually, I wasn't quite sure why I did that, but it felt cool, like I was some undercover mission. "Here goes!" Leanne squeezed my hand, and I took off. I crossed the library until I was within the target zone. I had chose my timing perfectly; Oliver was just getting up from his seat.

"Hey, Oliver," I said casually from behind. He turned and smiled.

"Hey yourself."

I shot him my best dazzling smile as I walked past, and then I stumbled. I put my hand to my forehead, wobbling a bit. "Oh no..." I whispered faintly. As I pictured the worried look on his face, I had to fight the urge to smile and blow my cover. I swayed for dramatic effect, imagining him with his arms outstretched towards me in a passionate gesture of love, and I fell backwards...

-BANG-

"BLOODY HELL!"

"Oh my God, Katie, are you okay?" Oliver's face swam before my dizzied eyes. "I turned away for just a second and then suddenly you tripped and banged your head against the table..."

So much for me collapsing romantically into his waiting arms. I wanted to stab something.

"I didn't not trip, first of all," I replied heatedly. What did he think I was, some sort of clumsy troll-like Crabbe and Goyle-esque oaf? "I _fainted_, and you didn't catch me."

"Was I supposed to?" Oliver scrunched his brow in confusion.

I suppose you all got the memo before I did: Real life is never the way it is in books. Real life sucks.

"WHO IS MAKING ALL THIS RUCKUS?" a voice roared furiously, and the librarian swooped upon us like some demon-possessed vulture.

"Katie fell, Madam Pince," Oliver explained.

"Fainted," I corrected immediately.

"She hit her head against the table; it was a rather nasty fall..."

"Then she should be in the hospital wing, not disrupting the peace in my library," Madam Pince remarked with a sniff. Suddenly, my eyes fell on the parchment Oliver had been writing on. Funny, I thought I'd seen that handwriting somewhere...

"I'll bring her to the hospital wing, Madam Pince!" The speaker was so eager to be of service that he toppled over a chair as he ran to us from across the library.

"Thank you, Zacharias, please do. And quietly!"

"Oh no, not you," I groaned as I saw the excited face of my ex.

"Katie, you sure you're all right?" Oliver asked anxiously.

"I fainted and bashed my head against a table and now I'm being abducted by my ex-boyfriend. I'M JUST PEACHY, THANKS!"

"QUIET IN THE LIBRARY!" Madam Pince roared. (Amazing how, in her demands for quiet, she ends up being twice as disruptive as what caused the commotion in the first place.) To top that off, all at once this pretty sixth-year appeared at Oliver's side and gushed, "I'm ready to be tutored, Professor," at which Oliver smiled.

Wow, that was the cherry on top of this humiliating fiasco. My jaw dropped so much that I could feel it dragging on the floor as Zach started pulling me toward the door. Okay fine, that was a slight exaggeration, but seriously.

"The fall must've gotten to her head," Zach explained to everyone we passed on our way out, adding further to my humiliation.

"Get hell away from me," I snarled, yanking my arm out of his grasp once we were out of the library. "You have no business interfering like that."

I expected him to respond angrily. Instead, to my shock -- and horror -- he dropped down on one knee and grasped my hand.

"Bloody hell. Propose and I'll kill you, Zacharias Smith!" I threatened.

"I'd like to offer you my most fervent and passionate apologies, Katherine Bell. You were a treasure, and yet I took you for granted. I deceived you wrongfully and now our separation stabs me with the sharp ends of a thousand swords, strangles me with the unforgiving bind of a thousand nooses, punctures me with--"

"Oh, cut the crap already," I groaned, turning beet-red by the attention we were getting from curious passersby. "You're making a fool out of yourself."

"What I mean to say is..." he began, getting back to his feet and taking my other hand, too. "I'm so sorry, Katie. For doubting you, for lying to you...I'm yours - mind, body, and soul."

"Oh, perfect timing," I muttered.

"I will never leave your side from this moment on!"

"Do you realize how bloody annoying that would be?" I demanded furiously. "Follow me around, and you'll wish you were being stabbed by a thousand knives and strangled by a thousand nooses and all that rubbish you were saying."

"You are so adorable when you're angry," he sighed, a dreamy smile spreading across his face.

"Did someone curse you or slip you a love potion?" I demanded. "Because this is so..."

"So unlike me?" he finished for me. "I've had a lot of time to think. I've realized how wrong I was, and now..." He leaned forward, puckering his lips. "Like I said, from this point on, I will never leave your side. Never, ever."

"Okay, you're seriously starting to creep me out." I backed away from him slowly. He stepped forward. "I'm heading to the Gryffindor tower now. Do. Not. Follow. Me." For each step I took backward, he took one forward.

"You've got me head over heels!" he declared lovingly.

That's when I broke into a run. I sprinted down the hall and up the stairs, pushing past people and ducking into random corridors. At one point, I ran past Leanne, who shouted, "Where are you going? We have to study for Charms together!"

I meant to stop, but then when I caught sight of Zach running after me, I was off once more. "I can't! I'm running from my crazy ex-boyfriend!" I yelled, dashing down the hall and leaving my best friend looking very confused indeed.

Around the next corner, I ran smack dab into Fred.

"HIDE ME!" I screamed. He took one look at me and said, "Is it Zach Attack?" When I nodded, he sagely said, "I pity you," and pulled me down the hall, at the end of which he pulled back a tapestry.

"In here," he said quickly, pulling me through an entrance I'd never known about before.

"Thank you," I panted, leaning against the wall. "I never realized how terrifying ex-boyfriends could be."

"Me neither," Fred agred with a wise nod.

"You've never had a boyfriend."

"Well, judging by the bruises I get when Angelina gets angry at me and smacks me in the arm, I might as well be dating a man."

"You two aren't going out."

"Oh. Well, it's only a matter of time, you know." He looked absolutely convinced.

"Fred, everything is going wrong!" I sighed. "Before, I was in love with my boyfriend and didn't fancy Oliver, who fancied me. Now I fancy Oliver, who doesn't give a niffler's arse about me, and my ex-boyfriend thinks it's a brilliant idea to stalk me from now on. What the hell?"

"I'd offer to help, but..." Fred shrugged. "You and Oliver don't seem to appreciate George's and my gestures of kindness."

"You call binding us together and landing us in the hospital wing with my stepbrother trapped between us kindess?" I snorted.

"You were supposed to work it out yourselves and instead, you got Professor sodding Flitwick to do it for you. You cheated, Dumb-bell. "

"I resent that nickname as much as I resent Oliver's sudden lack of interest in me."

Fred paused. "Yeah... about that..."

"Don't tell me you two are responsible," I groaned.

"Girl, we may be geniuses, but we're not _insane," _Fred replied huffily. "We have every reason to finally get you lovebirds together, not split you up. In the meantime, we made this. Slip this into his bag, would you?" He handed me a normal-looking quill. I glanced at it doubtfully.

"What does it do?"

"Bell, there's this thing called trust. You might want to consider investing in it one day." After he said this, Fred looked thoughtful. "Funny, George and I said the same exact thing to Oliver earlier this year."

"Why?"

"The situation was the complete opposite, remember? He was crazy about you, while you wouldn't give him the time of day. There was a time when George and I, ah... _persuaded_ him to accept our help."

"Did it work?" I asked eagerly. Then, I realized what a stupid question that was because if it _had _worked, I wouldn't be in this situation right now. "I'm so stupid, Fred!" I wailed childishly. "I want him back!"

"Don't worry, munchkin, you'll get him back." Fred put an arm around me reassuringly. "I _swear _you two will end up together, and you'll have George and me to thank."

"Okay," I sniffled. "Thanks, Fred."

"No problem... dumbbell."

_xxx_

_Plan 2: Accept help from the Weasleys, against better judgment. _

* * *

Oliver's POV 

"The most important exams of your pitiful lives are coming up, and if you've forgotten this, you are blockheads unworthy of being in N.E.W.T.-level Potions. Which is why I will now be investing in what is popularly called..." Snape swiveled around to face us, his long robes swishing against the dungeon floor.

"The pop quiz."

I wanted to bang my head on the desk. I was _so _not ready for a pop quiz, and one in Potions no less. How could I possibly have had time to review my notes when I was busy flirting with that cute fifth-year in the common room last night? Snape has no consideration for anyone.

"You have five minutes to complete this five-question quiz. Starting now."

I bit the end of my quill as the creepy greaseball placed an exam paper before me.

_1) What are two other names for the ingredient aconite? What is the controversy behind the use of this plant?_

Ooh, pick me! I know this! The two other names are "monkshood" and "wolfsbane," and it's controversial because it can be used to make an oil that relieves aching joints but if it enters a cut in the skin or is swallowed, it can be deadly. Duh.

I'm such a genius.

I bent over my paper to write the first sentence, feeling very pleased with myself. But when I saw the words I had just written, I did a double take:

_I am in love Katie Bell._

What the f---? I scribbled out the words furiously. Was I insane or what? Concentrating extra hard, I clenched the quill and tried again.

_Katie Bell is the most beautiful girl in the world._

I scribbled out the words again. What in the world was going on? I didn't like Katie! Was this some kind of joke? Grimacing, I tried once more, pressing the point of my quill into the parchment so hard that it ripped through and I had to try yet again.

_Katie, Katie, Katie! Just the thought of your name makes me jump for joy and clap with glee!_

xxx

Five minutes later...

"Time's up, quills down! I will collect your papers. Quills _down, _Wood!"

Snape snatched the paper from me and read through it. He looked at me and sneered. "This is what you're handing in?"

"Yes, Professor," I seethed.

"You do realize I am grading this as I would a standard exam?"

"Yes, Professor."

He bent over my desk to look me straight in the eye. "Why, I do believe this is the first 'T' I'm giving out this year. Do you realize what it stands for, Wood?" The Slytherins in the room snickered.

"Troll, Professor," I muttered through gritted teeth.

"It's a comfort that you know that, at least." Snape turned to the whole room. "Just a note of advice: Writing amorous declarations to Katie Bell on your exam papers will not get you satisfactory marks on your N.E.W.Ts." The sound of uproarous guffaws echoed around the room.

_"'Katie Bell is like the strongest, most intoxicating potion, brewing me from the inside out," _Snape read tauntingly from my paper. _"__The sight of Katie Bell makes me want to skip about merrily in the fields chasing stardust and butterflies. Oh, how I wish Katie Bell were a Quaffle so I could score with her.' _Wood, if you think such drivel will get you an 'O' on your N.E.W.T, much less attract any girl of your fancy, you are very much mistaken."

The Slytherins' laughter was so loud it was deafening. Snape ripped my quiz into pieces and threw them carelessly over his shoulder.

"I am seriously considering owling Bell and sending her my regrets -- regrets that a half-wit lunatic seems to be infatuated with her. Class is dismissed."

* * *

_Dear Diary, _

_In my life, Oliver has never been so angry at me as he was today..._

_xxx _

(still Katie's POV)

"BELL!"

"What, Wood? You don't have to raise your voice at me like that." I tried to play it off casually, but I had a sinking feeling that it had something to do with the quill Fred had given me to put in Oliver's bag.

Turns out I was right. Oliver held the quill in front of my face.

"Explain this. Now," he seethed.

"Why, that looks like a quill to me," I said, taking it and pretending to look at it very carefully. "I don't understand how you still don't know what it is after all these years of school."

"Don't play innocent," Oliver seethed. "Do you know what this quill did? It got me a Troll on my Potions pop quiz!"

"A Troll?" I repeated, letting out a low whistle. "That...sucks."

"Yeah, it does! And you know what?"

"There's meatloaf for dinner tonight?" I asked innocently.

"This quill keeps splurting out all this crap about me being all obsessed with you!" he yelled furiously. I raised my eyebrows. Wow. Out of all the guesses I'd made about the quill's functions, this definitely hadn't been one of them.

"That's silly," I said laughingly. "A quill doesn't write on its own; it only writes what the person who's holding it has in mind."

Oliver narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "What are you implying?"

"That maybe there's truth to the words you're writing," I replied, even though I didn't believe myself. I had no trouble believing the Weasleys could create a quill that had a mind of its own.

"That's not possible."

Gee, thanks for the blunt answer, you git.

"Well, the quill wasn't mine," I replied truthfully. "And you shouldn't accuse me like that when you couldn't even know it was definitely me."

"Like you haven't done the same!" he retorted. "You and your accusations that I stole your bloody diary." I opened my mouth to protest, but no words came out.

Oliver sighed, running his fingers through his hair. Wow, I never realized 'til now how sexy that was. I was still gaping lustfully at him when he said, "Listen, I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions, okay? It must've been a prank, probably the Weasleys or something."

"I'm sorry too..." Words came out automatically from my mouth, though I was still trying to hold myself back from jumping him and snogging him senseless. "About before. The diary." Although I apologized _before, _you amnesiac fool.

"Forgive and forget, eh? Well, see you at practice." Oliver ruffled my hair like he used to do when he considered me "_only _Roger's kid sister," and walked away.

I do NOT like being back to sheepdog status. I, Katie Bell, am not an exhibit at the petting zoo.

_xxx_

_Plan 3: Instead of playing damsel-in-distress, turn it the other way around: save him!_

_xxx_

(still Katie's POV)

Desperate times really do call for desperate measures. _I _would know.

"Katie!" Leanne hissed as I nudged her behind a suit of armor. "Do you know how illegal this is? Not to mention _dangerous?"_

"I've got this all under control." I patted her shoulder. "This will be a piece of cake."

"Katie, as your best friend, you know I'd do almost anything for you. But...but this! If I get _caught!" _Leanne let out a terrified moan and began chewing away on her fingernails.

"You will_ not _get caught, Leanne!" I reassured her yet again. "Trust me. Plus, isn't it exciting to be my second-in-command? My hitman? My support system? My-"

"Okay, I get it!" Leanne interrupted, sounding almost on the verge of hysteria. "Can we just do this quick and get it over with?"

"As soon as Oliver comes out of the locker room," I shushed her as I made sure the suit of armor covered her completely. "I made sure he was the last one in the showers after practice; he should be coming out any minute now..."

"Katie, sweetheart!"

"Oh, no!" I groaned, smacking my forehead as Zach's eager face appeared before me.

"Whatcha doing?" he asked. "Why are you standing here alone? Want some company?"

"No, thanks," I said, pushing him away. "I'm waiting for someone."

"I'll wait with you," he replied happily, leaning against the suit of armor.

"_Don't _touch that!" I said in alarm, hearing Leanne's tiny squeak of surprise as the suit of armor pressed against her. If he wasn't careful, this idiot would totally blow my friend's cover.

"Why not?"

"It's...it's not respectful. To the suit of armor," I blurted.

"Oh. Well, anything you say is right," Zach said, beaming.

"Listen," I began, feeling antsy. "You need to leave. Seriously."

"Why?" Zach demanded.

"Er, well... um, I'm waiting for the twins to come out of the locker room so I can give them a good telling off," I lied through my teeth. "I'd rather not have anyone else around."

"What did they do?" he asked, looking menacing.

"Nothing, nothing! Silly prank, that's all." I began pushing him down the corridor. "Bye!"

"Catch you later, then!" He waved. "We have to spend every other minute together from now on, 'kay?"

"Yeah, right. Whatever," I said absentmindedly. Oh, _where _was Oliver? Then, as soon as the sound of Zach's footsteps receded, I heard Oliver's footsteps approaching. "He's coming!" I warned Leanne, and then I rushed into the locker room just as Oliver was coming out.

"Oh, hi!" I greeted him brightly. "Forgot my gloves in the locker room." I brushed past him before he could say anything, and ran inside, scooping up the gloves I'd 'accidentally' left behind. I listened at the door...sure enough, there came a yelp two seconds later.

"Bloody hell!" Oliver's voice yelled from outside. _Score! _

I composed a look of concern on my face as I ran to the rescue."What's wrong? Oliver- Oliver, you're on fire!" I shrieked in feigned shock.

"No, really?" he yelled, trying to beat the flames out of his robes.

"I'll save you!" I cried, sprinting to him. Now, expert as I am in life-saving skills, I know all about the whole _stop, drop and roll _business. That's what you're supposed to do when you're on fire.

I think.

Anyway, I collided head-on into Oliver, tackling him to the floor. "Roll!" I screamed, rolling us around on the floor.

"What are you doing?" he demanded in shock.

"Saving your life! Keep rolling!"

I _so _had this life-saving thing under control. I was feeling mighty pleased with myself when all of a sudden, I realized that not only was Oliver on fire, but... _so was I!_

"Ohmigosh, I'm on fire!" I screamed in panic. "I DON'T WANT TO DIE!"

"I'LL SAVE YOU, KATIE MY LOVE!" a voice shouted as someone threw himself on top of us.

"Zach, you really _do_ have terrible timing," I groaned as I tried to shove him off and failed. The three of us were rolling around, flames catching on each other's robes, and we were so tangled up that we couldn't stand.

"GET OFF!" Oliver bellowed. The flames on his robes had spread, and was dangerously close to burning his skin. His hand plunged into his robes and emerged gripping his wand tightly. "AGUAMENTI!"

A jet of water shot out of his wand. Oliver waved his wand overhead so that the cold water washed over all three of us, putting out the fire. After time, the last flame had gone out, and Oliver, Zach and I were left staring at each other, speechless and sopping wet.

"What...was...that?" he finally spoke, taking deep breaths to calm himself down.

"Um. Fire?" I bit my lip nervously, knowing he'd blow up at me for rolling us around the floor like an idiot when all he'd had to do was say a simple spell... Here it comes. Three, two, one...

"ARE YOU _MAD?"_

Ha. I knew it. Points for Katie Bell!

"Don't yell at my girlfriend, you tosser!" Zach said furiously.

"I'm not your girlfriend!" I retorted.

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Just...just go away. Please?" I begged Zach. To my relief, he stood.

"Are you all right?" He seized my hand, looking into my face with concern.

"I'm _fine,_" I snapped, yanking my hand away. "Now please leave."

"Only because you're asking me to," he muttered. He trudged away, his trainers squeaking ridiculously as we walked away.

"_Why _do these ludicrous experiences only happen to _me?_" Oliver sighed, smacking his forehead.

"I don't know about you, but _I _learned to 'stop, drop, and roll,'" I said defensively. "How was I supposed to know there was a spell called Aquamentos?"

"_Aguamenti,_" he corrected.

"Whatever. The point is, I tried to save you."

"And failed to do so."

"Hey, I said I _tried_, okay?" Sheesh, he should be grateful. Suddenly, Oliver's brow furrowed, and he exclaimed, "Wait, someone did this to me on _purpose! _It came from that direction!" He pointed toward the suit of armor.

Oh no. Leanne! If I let her get caught, she'd _kill _me. As Oliver stormed toward her hiding place, I grabbed his sleeve desperately. "WAIT!"

Impulsively, I threw my arms around his neck and kissed him. I could sense by the way he grew rigid that he was shocked, so shocked that I alone heard the soft patter of footsteps as Leanne seized the opportunity to flee.

"Wha...?" Oliver pulled away, looking absolutely stunned.

"Surprise!" I said, laughing weakly. Oliver opened his mouth to speak; I quickly said, "So... lucky we got out of that without any burns, huh?"

Oliver rubbed the back of his neck, still looking bewildered. "Er...right."

"Well, I'll be off, now!" I chirped, keeping up my false pretence of cheerfulness. "Bye!" I turned to leave, thought better of it, and whirled around to face him again. He was walking very slowly in the opposite direction, as if he was deep in thought. Suddenly filled with frustration, I took a running leap, and with a Tarzan yell ("AIEEEEYA!"), I threw myself on his back.

(...Reader, you did _not _just misread that last sentence. Yes, _I threw myself on Oliver Wood's back._)

"WHY, WHY, WHY?" I screamed, pounding my fists into his back. Yeah, I know -- I was completely bonkers. But he made me so _mad! _And horny, which was even worse.

Oliver faltered under the unexpected weight. He pulled at my hands, which were wrapped tightly around his neck. "Katie, you're _choking _me!"

"GOOD!"

Finally, he managed to fling me off and stared at me. "What in the _world _is wrong with you?" he demanded.

"You're still pretending nothing happened! You liked me all year, and suddenly...you don't?"

_Note to self: Teenage drama is only funny when it's happening to someone else._

"I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, but I never have," he replied slowly. "I'm really sorry." What made my humiliation even worse is that he was trying to be so nice about it.

"What's that?" I asked abruptly, noticing a tiny, circular silver locket hanging from his neck that I'd never seen him wear before.

"What?"

"The thing around your neck."

Oliver suddenly got defensive. "Nothing! Well, I have to run now; I've got some Quiddich plays I have to think through." He dashed off without another word.

Strange...

xxx

_Later that night_

"It's over."

"Chin up, Bell! That's no way to talk! And besides, how would you know for sure?"

I looked into Fred's caring face and sighed. "I just do."

"Explain, please?"

"Okay, say that this girl gets her best friend to secretly set her crush's robes on fire-"

_"You set Wood's robes on fire?"_ Fred yelped.

"This is _hypothetical_, remember?" I replied hastily.

"Right..." He looked doubtful, though.

"And then the girl rushes to save him, knocks him to the floor, and starts rolling them around-"

"ROLLING?" Fred hooted. "That's hysterical! I hope this isn't a true story!"

"It isn't," I replied stiffly.

"Rolling instead of using _Aguamenti..._" Fred muttered, wiping tears of laughter from his eyes.

That damn Aguamenti. I cleared my throat loudly. "_Anyway_, the girl ends up catching herself on fire and then her ex-boyfriend appears and throws himself on top of them-"

"This is some crazy story."

"Then finally the boy uses the Aguamenti spell..."

"Which they should have used all along," Fred interrupted.

"You know what? I don't feel like telling this story anymore," I said, annoyed.

"Bloody hell..." Fred peered into my face. "This IS a true story."

"DUH!" I yelled, turning red with mortification.

"Teenage angst is only funny when it happens to someone else, isn't it?" he said sagely.

"My feelings exactly," I muttered.

"Well...is there more?"

I explained how I made Zach go away and how I let Leanne have the chance to escape by kissing Oliver. Then... "I _jumped _him, Fred! I jumped Oliver! Am I _mad? _And he said he doesn't like me...never has!"

"That git," Fred glowered.

"And that's not all!" I wailed. "He has this...this locket thing around his neck and refused to tell me what it was! I bet you anything some pretty girl put her picture in it and gave it to him..."

"You know what this calls for?" Fred asked suddenly.

"What?" I sniffled.

"Undercover work."

To my horror, he looked absolutely delighted.

_xxx_

_Plan 4: If all else fails...use espionage. And, once again, the Weasleys._

_xxx_

"If he catches us, we are _so _dead."

"Stop fussing, Bell, would you? This'll be a piece of cake."

"Yeah, the last time I said that, I ended up catching myself on fire."

"Oh...right."

The twins and I were packed like sardines under Oliver's bed. And when I say packed, I _mean _it. Oliver has so many boxes and Quidditch gear under there that the three of us barely had room to breathe.

"Ow, that was my foot, George!"

"Sorry, Fred. Gosh it's getting hard to breathe."

"Maybe we should split up?" I suggested breathlessly, gasping for air.

"I'll hide under Percy's bed," George volunteered. "Always wondered what the wanker does in his spare time." He rolled out from under the bed when suddenly we heard approaching footsteps. Holding our breaths, Fred and I heard him dive under their older brother's bed just as the door opened.

"Remind me never to have those beans again," a voice groaned; we heard someone flop onto a bed across the room. "Ugh..."

"You enjoyed them at the time," another voice teased. I peeked out and saw Percy and Oliver's other roommates, who began to strip down to their underwear for the night. Fred clapped his hands over my eyes.

"Whoa there, munchkin!" he whispered amusedly. "That sight isn't fit for innocent eyes like yours."

"Nothing I haven't seen before," I grumbled, and Fred chuckled.

"Let's play shag, marry, kill," someone suggested.

"Aw, Tom..."

"C'mon, just one round!"

"Fine..."

"Out of the following, who would you shag, marry, and kill? Hmm... Professors McGonagall, Sprout, and Trelawney."

Fred and I looked at each other and grimaced. "Do boys do this often?" I whispered in disgust.

"Not _normal _ones," he replied, making a face.

"C'mon, mate, that's not fair!" Poor guy. Not only did he have to choose between three aging professors, but he also had a secret audience of three hiding under the beds.

"You _have _to choose," the malicious roommate pressed on.

"Fine... Er, I would kill...Trelawney."

"Smart lad!" Fred whispered, giving me grin and a thumbs up.

"Uh... I can't decide between-"

"C'mon!"

"Er... marry...McGonagall...? And..."

"Shag Sprout!" Fred whispered with a wicked grin. I had to stuff my fist in my mouth to keep from laughing.

"Hey, Perce! Hey, Wood!" we heard as two people entered the room.

"Here they come!" I whispered, my pulse racing as I saw Oliver's feet approaching us. God, even his feet are sexy.

"Out of Professors Trelawney, McGonagall, and Sprout, who would you marry, shag, and kill?"

"I'd prefer not to sacrifice my dignity by answering that question," Percy sniffed haughtily. "Good night." We heard the bedcurtains around his bed close shut.

"Wanker. What about you, Wood?" the others asked.

"I've got one for _you,_" Oliver said. "The theme is Slytherins. Millicent Bulstrode, Goyle, and Snape."

"That's just gross, mate," came the reply, while Fred and I pretended to gag and vomit.

"Exactly," Oliver laughed. "So don't ask _me _those questions."

Suddenly, the sound of an enormous fart ripped through the room. I clenched my hands so hard that my nails dug into my palms, hoping that the pain would distract me from bursting into laughter. Meanwhile, Fred was practically having an epileptic seizure; he became so red and shook so hard that I was half afraid he would explode.

"Ugh...my stomach..."

"Don't tell me you had the beans again," Oliver groaned.

"QUIET!" Percy bellowed from behind his bedcurtains. "I need sleep for tomorrow's Ancient Runes test!"

"No wonder he has no friends," Fred whispered to me when at last he could speak again. "But wow, wasn't that a great fart? Absolutely incredible..."

I was about to make a sarcastic reply when Oliver's feet came into view again. Seconds later, his robes fell to the floor, pooling around his ankles. Fred's hand clapped over my mouth again just in time to stifle my gasp.

"He's in only his underwear!" I moaned. "Oh, let me at him, Fred!"

"Have you always been this horny or is this a new thing?" Fred asked, holding me back.

Eventually, all the lights went out and, other than a few more rude gas noises from across the room, it was quiet. Every time I demanded we get out from under the bed, Fred grasped my arm and hissed, "Not yet!" Finally, when even Fred was convinced that everyone was asleep, we crawled out together.

"Psst! George!" Fred whispered. George emerged slowly from under Percy's bed, looking faint. Thinking his brother had also suffered from the lack of oxygen, Fred said, "It's okay, George, deep breaths. Mr. Bean's gaseous fumes have gone now."

"No, that's not it," George wheezed. "You know how I called Percy a wanker?" His voice sounded very odd. "But I didn't know he was...literally." He pointed to his head, where a strange grayish liquid...thing...lay on top of his hair...

That was just _disgusting_.

"Bloody hell!" Fred whispered in horror, while I made a face. "I'd never expect _Percy_ to..."

"Boys," I muttered, taking out my wand. "Here, I might have actually learned something today. _Aguamenti!_"

A jet of water spurted out of my wand, splashing over George and soaking him to the skin. Instantly, a large puddle began forming on the floor as water dripped off George's clothes.

"Oops," I whispered, looking apologetically at George. "I'm so sorry..."

"This night just keeps getting better and better," George replied, managing to grin even despite having his brother's..._business_... all over his head followed by a douse of ice cold water. Good ol' George. I probably would have cried.

"C'mon, let's get this over with," Fred said quietly, leading the way as we snuck over to the side of the bed that Oliver was sleeping on.

I gazed down at him sleeping so peacefully, and I reached down to brush his hair off his forehead. I felt a sudden surge of affection and...lust. Obviously. I wanted to kick myself.

"Uh...Bell, what are you doing?"

"Huh?"

"You just kicked yourself," Fred noted, looking at me strangely.

"Quick, Katie!" George interrupted urgently as Oliver shifted in his sleep.

"Oh! Right." I reached forward and gently took the circular locket in my hand. I exchanged a look with the twins, whose silent encouragement gave me the courage to slowly lift the clasp on the locket...

I don't think any of us expected it. None of us could understand. Because, to our complete shock, the locket contained a picture of not some other girl, but a picture of...

Me.

At that moment, Oliver's eyes flew open.

* * *

A/N: At 5000+ words, that was the longest chapter in this story. Woohoo! And this is the third to last chapter, so _please _leave a review! Not to mention that I'm off to college on Sunday and I will have almost no time to write from now on, so your reviews will be my motivation. Thank you! 


	31. My apologies plus a handy little RECAP

First and foremost, I apologize over and OVER again for neglecting this story. Not only was my first year of college absolutely insane, but also, I actually **lost** all my notes for this story! Let me tell you, it was neither easy nor fun racking my brains trying to remember everything. Anyway, I'm not even sure if people follow this story anymore, but just in case there's even one reader out there who missed my Katie-Oliver fluff, I'm going to finish _What It Takes To Win Bell _once and for all this summer. AND I will be back to review all the stories I loved and was forced to neglect.

Okay, so I am going to provide a much-needed summary to catch you up to the point where I left off. The latest chapter starts on the next webpage. If you have any further questions (about this story, my other stories -- anything), feel free to shoot me an email at ccho1189 at gmail dot com.

THANK YOU FOR WAITING **10 LONG MONTHS!**

* * *

**Big-Ass Summary in Case Y'all Are Confused (Because I'm Sure As Hell Confused Myself) and Don't Feel Like Rereading the Entire Story:**

Accustomed to thinking of Katie Bell as a fellow teammate and the stepsister of his best friend Roger Davies, Oliver Wood is shocked to discover during his 7th year that he actually has feelings for her. Too bad she's already claimed by her bigheaded prick of a boyfriend, Zacharias Smith. But that doesn't stop Oliver, who embarks on a five-step quest to woo Katie Bell (including hiring the mischievous Weasley twins!). His plan backfires, however, when Katie finds out about a bet between the four Quidditch captains (Chapter 5). For each person, the three other Captains choose a girl in that person's House whom he would least likely want to snog, and so Roger's paired with Luna Lovegood, Oliver with Katie (because Roger thinks Oliver would never kiss Katie), Millicent Bulstrode with Marcus Flint, and Hannah Abbott with Cedric Diggory.

Katie, who is furious, tries to start a feminist movement with Hannah and Millicent (Chapter 17). However, Luna ends the battle of the sexes by kissing Roger Davies, not only making him the winner of the bet, but also, causing him to fall for her! Meanwhile, Luna has been giving Oliver therapy sessions for his traumatizing experiences and his habit of speaking thoughts aloud; one major Luna-therapy is trying to get Oliver to roar with her lion hat on, which he still refuses to do (Chapter 9).

Oliver gets himself into more trouble when 1) he finds Katie's diary and 2) she barges into his room drunk, starts snogging with him, and ends up passing out in the middle of his confession of his love for her (Chapter 20). The next day, Katie discovers Oliver has her diary, refuses to believe that he didn't read it, and sort of becomes an overreactive little bitch. But all is well between the two after they reconcile and even end up snogging during the Bell & Wood families' joint holiday in New Zealand (Chapters 22, 23).

Classes resume after the holiday, and two "brilliant" anonymous writers named "Clairvoyant Claire and All-Knowing Aurora" (CC and AKA) start _The Howler, _a gossip newsletter that wreaks havoc among the students by spreading stories that are mostly false. Meanwhile, Oliver wants to ask Katie out so they can start dating officially, but she seems too preocupied by her concern for poor lovesick, Luna-obsessed Roger to notice. Fred and George decide to speed things up with a charm that attaches Katie and Oliver to each other by the hips...literally (Chapter 28).

When the charm is removed, however, instead of still being head-over-heels for Katie, Oliver seems strangely distant. In fact, on Valentine's Day, Katie and the twins find him on a "date" with a dozen girls at Madam Puddifoot's! After causing a scene and making Oliver's groupies run away, the angry twins confront him (Chapter 29). Yet Oliver genuinely seems to have gotten over Katie.

The tables have turned; now it's Katie's turn to make crazy multi-step plans to win Oliver back (Chapter 30). After pretending to faint in front of Oliver (and ending up crashing onto the floor) and accidentally setting him on fire in an attempt to pretend to "save" his life, Katie joins the twins in going undercover to discover the meaning of the strange new locket around Oliver's neck. They approach Oliver while he sleeps; Katie is shocked to see that _her _picture is in the locket, and at that moment, Oliver's eyes open.

**And that's where we left off. So, no need to review this ridiculous summary! On to the next page, where the chapter starts for real! Thanks, everyone!**


	32. Fight to the Finish

Hi everyone! So this is where Chapter 31 starts for real. In case you missed it, please go back to the previous page for a summary of the entire story up to this point if you need to catch up.

Thank you!

**Chapter 31**

KATIE'S POV

Dear Diary,

I was terrified.

Face to face with Oliver, who was glaring angrily and suspiciously at my frightened and guilty face, I screamed and jumped away. I crashed into the twins, who'd been peering over my shoulder from behind, and the three of us gulped nervously.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Oliver demanded angrily, as he snapped the locket closed.

"I...um...just..." I stuttered helplessly. "We were just-"

"OBLIVIATE!" Fred shouted suddenly.

Instantly, the furious look on Oliver's face faded and he looked at us in confusion. "Huh? What are you guys doing here?"

"Just dropping by to see you weren't attacked," George said sweetly, dragging me along as he and Fred made their way hastily to the door. "And we see you haven't been, so isn't that just wonderful?"

"Attacked by what?" Oliver asked in bewilderment, but the twins had already shut the door and were running down the hallway, pulling me with them.

"_What were you thinking?"_ I demanded once we reached the common room. "A Memory Charm? Out of the blue, just like that?"

"What, like you could have come up with a good reason for being in his room, looking at the picture in his locket in the middle of the night?" Fred asked in disbelief.

"I guess not," I admitted. "But what now? Our discovery doesn't help things one bit. Why does he seem to be completely over me when there's a picture of ME in that locket?"

"Perhaps he's using reverse psychology," George wondered. "You know, like trying to get you think he's not interested so that you'll like him."

"But I DO like him!" I protested. "I made a fool out of myself kissing him, didn't I? And he didn't seem to respond to it very well, remember?"

"That's true..." Fred rubbed his chin in thought. "Well this is one sodding mess. Perhaps Oliver has what the Muggles call... hmm... what was that again?"

"I'm-an-Idiot Syndrome?" George suggested.

"No, but close," Fred said.

"It's multiple personality disorder," I said, rolling my eyes.

"Is there really such thing?" George said in wonder. "Can you imagine if I had, say, fifteen personalities? Like, one that excelled at underwater basket-weaving, and another that was a klepto that loved stealing people's pants, and another that liked to cross-dress on Thursdays, and-"

"I think we get the point."

"Oh. Right you are, Katie."

"I say we give up for tonight," I sighed. "Start fresh in the morning."

The twins said good night and headed upstairs, and I sat where I was on the cushioned couch staring at the fireplace. I meant to head upstairs to bed, really, but my eyes just got so heavy and the stairs seemed so, so far...

xxxxx

_Still Katie's POV_

"Shh! Lavender, we've done this _how _many times? And you _still_ forget to skip that creaky stair!"

"Shut up, Parvati. No one's even up at this hour."

My eyes opened as I heard the two voices. I glanced at the window; the sun wasn't up yet but I could tell it was very early in the morning.

"I swear, getting up early for this is the only sucky part about it. Why don't we just do it at night again?"

"_Because, _Lavender, Filch patrols the halls like a hawk at night, whereas in the morning, we're allowed to be in the halls."

"No sane person should be up at this hour," Lavender grumbled.

"Well would you RATHER give away our identities as creators of _The Howler?_"

As I lay there on the couch, hidden from their sight, Parvati's last statement took a moment to sink in. Then...

"OH MY GOD, YOU TWO ARE THE ONES BEHIND _THE HOWLER?_" I screamed, leaping off the couch and pouncing on them like a madwoman. And honestly, with my bedhead hair flying all over the place and the crazed look in my eyes, I must have really looked like a madwoman to them because they screamed in terror.

"How long have you been there?" Lavender shrieked, gasping as she got over her fright.

"She heard us." Parvati froze in terror.

"That's right," I said, crossing my arms. "YOU are the ones spreading filthy rumors about everyone!"

"Everyone deserves to know the truth!" Parvati replied angrily.

"Not if they're all LIES!" I snapped.

"It was all in good fun...just for laughs...hehe," Lavender said weakly.

"At the expense of other people's reputations! Not to mention a lot of people were hurt by it!" I said angrily. "I can't believe you two! And here I was thinking some nasty Slytherin gits were behind it, but I guess I was wrong."

Parvati looked like she was going to blow a fuse, but Lavender pleaded, "Please don't tell anyone, Katie. Please. _Please._"

I looked suspiciously at the huge bundles of newsletters that each of them were carrying. "What are you going to do with those?" I asked.

"We usually leave stacks of them around the building at the crack of dawn," Parvati admitted, finally giving in. "That way everyone sees them and reads them the next morning."

"What is your source?"

They exchanged looks, and then Parvati said, vaguely, "We just tap into Gossip Central."

"And what's that?"

Pause. Then at last, Lavender confessed, "The girls' toilets. We bugged them. People talk about _all_ kinds of things in there, like you wouldn't believe! Like, the other day, Cho Chang said-"

"I don't want to hear it," I said firmly. "Now first, I'm going to throw those out." I pointed to the newsletters they were holding. Seeing the looks of horror on their faces, I pressed on, "And you're going to stop printing _The Howler_. I mean it."

"You can't tell us what to do!" Parvati protested angrily. "Who do you think you are?"

"Someone who can expose your identities to the entire school," I replied. "Now, I'm going to get rid of those, and I'd like you to stop writing _The Howler_ in exchange for my keeping quiet about your being its authors. Deal?"

Parvati and Lavender exchanged looks of despair, but then they shrugged sadly and said, "Deal," and dropped their stacks of _The Howler_ on the floor. I performed a reducing spell on the newsletters so that they were smaller and more compact. Then I threw the pile on the embers in the fireplace, and we watched as the miniature _Howlers_ burned, their hurtful stories fading into harmless ashes.

I turned to Parvati and Lavender. "There. That's the end of that. Okay?"

"Fine," Lavender said. "But Katie, you seriously need to brush your hair; you look absolutely terrifying."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

You are cordially invited to...

**FRED AND GEORGE WEASLEY'S 18TH BIRTHDAY BASH**

Put those books and quills away and help us celebrate with the biggest party of the year!

_Who: _You. Us. And "a cauldron full of hot strong love." Just kidding.  
_What:_ Swimwear. Bring it. We're not kidding this time.  
_When:_ Friday April 1st, from 9 PM to who-knows-when AM  
_Where: _To be announced...in our own special way (hehehe)  
_Why:_ Because we're bloody awesome.

P.S. Expensive gifts would be much appreciated.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

OLIVER'S POV

"Who invites people to a party and doesn't tell the guests where the party is?" I said in disbelief as I read the invitation the twins had given me.

"To. Be. Announced," Fred said slowly, enunciating each syllable as if talking to a very stupid child. "That. Is. What. It. Says. On. The. Invitation."

"I can read, thanks," I said, irritated. "But when will you announce it?"

"The day of. In a way you won't be expecting," George answered mysteriously.

"What on earth...? Swimwear?" Angelina questioned in confusion as she stared at her invitation.

"Yes, my sweet pea," Fred beamed. "It's a pool party."

"Hogwarts doesn't have a pool...or does it?" Alicia wrinkled her nose in confusion.

"No, Hogwarts does not have a pool," I said patiently, purposely ignoring the fact that after five whole years of attending this school, she still managed to ask such a question.

"Argh, I overslept!" Katie cried, suddenly appearing out of nowhere. She plopped down unceremoniously next to Alicia and grabbed a muffin. "What did I miss?"

"Only the invitation to the greatest party of the year," Fred said, handing her an invitation.

"Swimwear? Location to be announced? What?" Katie said, puzzled, as she read it.

"And here I'd thought everyone would be most excited about the 'cauldron full of hot, strong love' part, but it's the swimwear and location everyone's worked up about," George said.

"Har har, very funny," Katie said.

"How big is this party?" Alicia asked. "Aren't you afraid that...I don't know...like, _The Howler_ will find out about it and publish all the info?"

"Yeah. A bunch of Slytherins would think it'd be fun to crash it," Angelina agreed.

"Which is _precisely _why we made the invitation so ambiguous, my pumpkin," Fred answered.

"Stop calling me food names, Fred Weasley."

"Anything you say, my little dumpling."

"In any case, I don't think new issues of _The Howler _will be out anytime soon," Katie replied vaguely, but before any of us could ask her about it, Percy overheard our conversation and stopped in his tracks.

"Oh, do _not _tell me you're talking about that silly _Howler_," Percy said haughtily to us all. "The only paper that prints _real_ news is _The Prophet_. How could you care about trivial gossip when the rest of the world is in turmoil?" He slapped a copy of _The Daily Prophet _down on the table and left in a huff.

"I apologize for our brother's bigotry," Fred said. "We believe it's almost his time of month."

"Wow, listen to this," Alicia said as she scanned the paper Percy had just left. "Someone in Egypt found a rare and extremely old necklace in a tomb and tried to bring it back to England, but there was a curse on it and he died in the most _awful _way. He-"

"That's it!" Katie cried suddenly, so excited by the news that her muffin flew out of her hand and hit Ernie Macmillan, who was sitting behind us at the Hufflepuff table. Without a word of explanation, she stood and ran out of the Great Hall.

"I hope she doesn't get that excited if _I _ever die a most terrible death," Fred joked.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

KATIE'S POV

_Dear Diary,_

That story in _The Daily Prophet _this morning was a godsend. Oliver had a locket with my picture around his neck, and was acting strangely. Some cursed necklaces make you act strangely. Thus Oliver's locket was cursed. Bingo.

I wandered through the library, reached the bookshelves labeled _Cursed Magical Artifacts_, and began pulling down books left and right. Finally, with a pile of books so tall that I couldn't see where I was going, I started walking over to a desk, when...

"WHATCHA DOIN', KATIE?"

"BLOODY HELL!" I shrieked in surprise, my books flying everywhere. Zacharias' penitent face peered down into mine as I bent to pick up my books.

"Gee. Sorry, Katie."

"Do you _want_ Madam Pince to strangle me?" I hissed furiously as I brought my books over to a table and sat down.

"I wouldn't let anyone hurt you!" he said earnestly. I opened my mouth to say, "Okay, can you leave now?" -- just as he plopped down across the table from me. "So. Whatcha doin', Katie?"

I groaned in annoyance. "What made you start following me everywhere, and how much do I have to pay you to stop?"

"I want you back, Katie," Zach said seriously, reaching across the table to take my hands. I slapped his hands away.

"I want you to stop being ridiculous," I replied. "I don't want to get back together. You were a terrible boyfriend in the end, or have you forgotten?"

"People can change! And I _have _changed!"

"I doubt it," I muttered. "Could you please let me read in peace now?"

"Why can't I stay?" he pouted.

I paused. "All right, you can stay," I said, and he beamed. "But here are the terms: you have to help me find anything on cursed lockets that make you stop liking the person whose picture is in it."

"Who has a locket like that?" Zach asked nosily.

"I'm doing a report on it," I lied quickly. "So will you help me?"

"Absolutely, my darling."

I ignored that.

It turned out that "Zach Attack," as the twins so fondly call him, was a lot more help than I'd thought. I was able to get through the books in half the amount of time than if I'd done it alone. Unfortunately, we didn't find much. That is, until...

"Hey. Psst!" Zach reached across the table and poked me in the forehead.

"I can't believe you interrupted my reading so you could poke me," I said impatiently.

"No, I have something to say. Wouldn't it make more sense to look in less serious books? Like, the necklaces mentioned in this books do _terrible _things. Like, there's one that breaks your bones when you put it on -- one bone every minute. It starts with each joint in the fingers, than the hands, then the arms, then the--"

"I get it, thanks," I interrupted, wincing at the thought of the pain.

"Why don't we look in books on like... I dunno... magic on just love prevention?"

I stared at him. My ex-boyfriend was a genius. Within ten minutes, we found a book titled _Happily Never After _that had just what we were looking for.

"Listen to this!" I said excitedly. "'An Obliviscence locket is created by placing a variation of the Obliviate spell on a piece of jewelry. Wearing a locket that contains a photograph or portrait of an individual will cause the wearer to forget all feelings of lust, affection, and/or love that he or she once felt for the individual. However, removal of the Obliviscence locket will immediately restore the wearer to his or her previous state.' This is it! It all makes sense now! All I have to do is get the locket off!"

"I thought you said this was for a report," Zach said suspiciously.

"Oh, er... right." I gave him a sheepish smile.

"What about this?" he said, pointing to the next paragraph. He read: "'The difficulty involved with an Obliviscence locket is that _only the person who bestowed the necklace to the wearer_ may remove it. No person, including the wearer (who is oblivious of that fact that he is even wearing the locket), will be able to remove it, whether by magic or by force.'"

"OH NO!" I moaned.

"I feel like this research isn't exactly for a report," Zach said, narrowing his eyes in suspicion.

"I have to go," I said, grabbing my bag. "Thanks for all the help, though."

"Where are you going?" he asked, following me into the corridor. He _wouldn't _stop following me, even when we'd left the ground floor. Finally, I spotted the girls' toilets, and I rushed over to the door.

"I'll wait for you outside," he said.

"No. No, it's okay. I might be a while," I insisted.

"It's okay. I don't mind waiting." He smiled.

"Er...I'm having...problems. Something I ate just didn't agree with me..." I lied, wincing at how my words sounded. _Don't wait for me because I'm going to unload a massive load of shit into the toilet_. That's what it must have seemed like.

Zach's eyes widened. "Oh. Oh, well... well, if you need me to get you anyth-"

"Just GO!" I fled into the girls' toilets and slammed the door. I stood by the sinks, counting under my breath. _One...two...three..._ maybe if I counted up to five minutes, he'd be gone. But thinking of Oliver -- and the impossible task that I had of finding the person who'd put the locket on him -- made me lose count, and I sighed.

"Why so sad?" came a melancholy voice from above.

"Nothing," I said to Moaning Myrtle as she floated over my head.

"Is it a boy?"

"Maybe."

"Do you know what you should do?" She swooped down so that she was face-to-face with me, and it took all my nerve not to take a step backward.

"What?" I asked warily.

"Kill the boy. Then you'll be miserable all of your days and the boy's ghost can live in the toilets with _me_. Wheeeeee!"

"Um, no thanks."

Myrtle pouted and swooped away, disappearing into one of the stalls. What a nut. At the moment, the door opened and Parvati and Lavender walked in, chatting away. When they saw me, they stopped in their tracks.

"Don't worry, I didn't tell anyone," I said at once.

"Thank goodness! And for that, we have something to tell you," Parvati said.

"We were in here earlier today, so we could remove these." Lavender pulled out these miniature gadgets, which I assumed were the things they'd used to hear everyone's gossip to put in _The Howler_.

"We were taking them off the walls when we heard footsteps, so we hid in the stalls," Parvati continued. "And you _won't _believe the conversation we heard."

"It was Taylor Somers and her friend," Lavender finished. "She was saying something about a locket and that she was so happy 'that Katie bitch was out of the picture.' That's what she said."

..._W__hat? _Taylor Somers? That conniving, malicious, cheating, filthy little-

"You have no idea how much you've helped me," I said gratefully.

"You see why gossip is so important?" Parvati said smugly. "You owe us one."

"I kept my mouth shut about you guys and _The Howler _to everyone."

"True..." they admitted.

"But I'll tell you what. Were you invited to Fred and George's birthday/pool party?"

I could tell by their "What? How come we weren't invited?" and "A _pool _party? How is that possible?" that they hadn't been given invitations.

"Consider yourselves invited," I said. "I'll tell the twins you're coming."

"Fair deal," they beamed, waving happily at me as I left the bathroom.

Two goods signs that my luck had changed for the better: One - Zach had left, scared off by my lies about my smelly little problem. Two - I now knew about what that little Taylor slut had done.

Bring it on, Taylor. Two can play this game.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

_Still Katie's POV_

"Katie, we don't understand. You wanted us to invite Lavender and Parvati because they did you a favor -- that's understandable. But now you're asking us to invite Zach Attackand what's even worse, _TAYLOR?_" George stared at me in disbelief.

"You hate them, remember?" Fred said. "Or has someone Obliviated you?"

"It's the only way to do this," I begged. "Taylor has to be the one to take the necklace off, and there is _no_ way I can get her in the same spot as Oliver _and _me without her suspecting that I know what she's done. Having us all together at a party will guarantee that all three of us will be in the same place."

"And what about the psycho ex-boyfriend?"

"I need him there too," I argued. "I need Taylor to think I'm over Oliver and have no intention of getting him back. Hence the need for the ex-boyfriend."

"You're going to _use _your ex-boyfriend to get Oliver in the hopes of making him your _new _boyfriend?" The twins raised their eyebrows in what seemed like a look of disapproval.

"Um...yes?" I said sheepishly, suddenly feeling very guilty.

"Cool," they replied with a shrug.

I love the twins. They don't judge.

"Well if it means that much to you, we'll invite them," George said kindly.

"Even though we can't stand the sight of them," Fred remarked. "And mark my words, lass, you're dead meat if they somehow mess up our fabulous party."

"You got it." I grinned. "Thanks so much, boys."

"So how exactly are you going to get Taylor to willingly take off the locket?" George asked, unfortunately bringing up the question that I didn't have an answer to yet.

"Er...still working on that," I admitted.

"What, are you going to use hypnosis?" Fred teased.

"Reverse psychology?"

"The Imperius curse?"

"Oh, quit it, would you?" I said, turning red at how little I'd actually thought my plan through.

"You know we're only going to invite Smith and Taylor on one condition," Fred said with a suspiciously excited grin.

"Oh no..." I muttered, burying my face in my hands.

"_You have to let us help you." _

That's what I'd been so afraid they would say.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A/N: There! A new chapter finally finished! PLEASE review and motivate me to finally finish this story once and for all, because the next chapter is the very last one!


	33. It Ends with a Splash

First off, I just want to begin, as I always do, with an _enormous _apology. I am so, so, so sorry, dear readers, for abandoning this story! It should have been finished a year ago and I somehow never got around to it. But I'm finally back to finish this story once and for all, and this is the **very last chapter**.

Because I was gone for so long, you more than deserve a recap!Go back to "31: My apologies plus a handy recap" for a summary of the entire story from the beginning through Ch 30. That way, you have only the last chapter, called "Fight to the Finish," to catch up on. If you want a summary of that chapter too, here it is:

Ch. 31 ("Fight to the Finish"):_ Katie and the Weasley twins have just discovered that Oliver is wearing a locket with Katie's picture in it, which has made him forget about his feelings for Katie and chase other girls. Around this time, the twins send out invitations for their birthday that mysteriously asks their guests to show up in swimwear but doesn't list the reason or the location. Meanwhile, Katie has discovered that Lavender and Parvati are the ones behind _The Hogwarts Howler _and promises not to expose them if they stop publishing it. In return, Lavender and Parvati tell Katie that Taylor Somers (#1 obsessed fan of Oliver) put the cursed necklace on Oliver, and that Katie somehow needs to get Taylor to take it off him herself to end the spell. Faced with that monumental task, Katie reluctantly agrees to let Fred and George help her devise a grand plan (which will be carried out at their "pool party") to win Oliver back…once and for all. _

_

* * *

_

**Chapter 32: It Ends with a Splash **(a.k.a Sure Took Long Enough)

Name: Katie Bell

Height: 5'4''

Sign: Sagittarius

Goal: To win Oliver Wood back…with Fred and George Weasley for help

What I'd like most right now: A miracle

* * *

**Katie's POV**

_Dear Diary, _

_I was on the point of giving up. There was no way – NO WAY – that Fred, George, and I could possibly get Taylor to remove that vile locket from Oliver's neck. I knew they were trying their hardest to brainstorm with me, which I really appreciated, but they were also busy trying to get last-minute details of their party planned simultaneously and I felt bad asking for their time…_

"Katie, we got this," Fred said as I let out a hopeless sigh. He came over to my chair, leaned over in front of me, and placed his hands on my shoulders. "Okay? Don't give up yet, or else you're a big pussy."

"Thanks, Fred."

"I mean it!" he said, giving my shoulders a little shake. "Do you know how hard Oliver fought for you? And he got you! Look how hopelessly in love with him you are now…although I guess that doesn't help much because he seems to have forgotten you exist. Hmm."

"Wow, thanks again."

"And now it's your turn to do the same and win _him _back over. Which you're going to do. Okay? Now let's keep thinking. George? Let's see the list."

Fred snatched the list from George, who yelled, "Oi give that back!"

"Seriously, George? In Katie's time of need?" Fred said in disbelief as he read the parchment. I looked over his shoulder and saw that each idea got worse as the list progressed:

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

_List of Ideas on Winning Our Undeserving Ass of a Captain Back for Katie_

1. Push Taylor into Oliver, hoping that she'll grab the locket and pull it off him

2. Transfigure locket into a penis, which Taylor will automatically go after… (har har)

3. Murder Taylor…maybe the spell will die with her

4. Alicia in a swimsuit…boobs!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"I see you've been brainstorming _real hard_, George," I taunted, laughing at the last one in spite of myself.

"Is it wrong that I'm a little excited for this party?" George asked with a cheeky grin.

"Not if you explain where it's going to be! There is no pool at Hogwarts!" I exclaimed, clueless. "What, are you planning for all of us to go for a swim in the freezing lake just 'cause it's your birthday?"

"Just because we're helping you, dear girl, doesn't mean you have to pry into our secret affairs," George replied with a wink.

"I just can't see how this is going to work out," I sighed. "On top of it all, I got my hardest Transfiguration assignment yet and am really struggling with it. We're learning the basics of how to Transfigure something _and _shrink it at the same time—"

"THAT'S IT!" Fred and George yelled so loud that I screamed and fell off my chair. They ran to me and hauled me up, each twin grabbing an arm, and they stuck their faces uncomfortably close to mine in excitement.

"We're going to Transfigure Oliver!" Fred cried.

"And then we're going to shrink him!" George added, both of them ignoring the incredulous, stupefied look on my face.

"Oliver will turn into a small object, but the locket will remain the way it is."

"Which means it will be big in comparison to the Oliver-object and just lie around it on the floor."

"Taylor will snatch the locket up from the floor before anyone else can touch it."

"Thereby _removing the locket from the Oliver-object herself!_"

"And before she can pull out any more tricks from her sleeve, we'll Transfigure the object back to Oliver."

"And he will be free to love you til the end of time! TADA!" The twins grinned proudly and crossed their arms expectantly. "_Well?"_

"It…kind of…makes sense, I guess?" I stammered. "I just don't see why we have to Transfigure him into an object first. Why not just shrink Oliver?"

"Because if we keep him in his original form, the locket will just shrink with him," George explained.

"But if we Transfigure him into an _object, _the locket can no longer be worn by him and it will remain the same size, see?"

"I don't know," I said nervously. "Transfiguring people is horribly complicated and so many things can go wrong…. Isn't it potentially illegal to do that?"

"Not if it is in the name of love," Fred replied. "_Trust us. _Have we ever made you distrust us?"

"I _do _quite clearly remember your jinxing my Halloween mask to ensure I still looked like Dumbledore well after Halloween was over," I answered dryly.

"Oh. When did that happen?"

* * *

**Oliver's POV **

After a long, tiring Quidditch practice, I was trudging up the stairs toward Gryffindor Tower when I heard a soft, dreamy voice behind me say, "Hello there, Oliver."

"Oh. Hey, Luna."

"Oliver, I think I'm…disappointed in you."

"Huh?"

"You've regressed in the progress we've made during our therapy sessions," Luna said disapprovingly.

"What are you talking about?" I asked in disbelief.

"You still speak your thoughts aloud?"

_No, and the last thing I want to do is stand here talking to you when I really need a shower and a nice long nap._

"You just said that out loud, you know," Luna pointed out politely. "Just saying."

"Argh!" I groaned in frustration. "Luna, what do you want from me? We've had, like, five therapy sessions already and I still haven't fixed my habit of saying my thoughts out loud. Maybe that's all it is—just a habit that I'll eventually get over, okay?"

"I think you're missing the point," Luna said. "You're still on your guard too much. There's something cooped up inside you that you need to say, and because you can't say it, you're speaking your other, pointless thoughts aloud as compensation."

"Huh?"

"Luckily for you, I will attempt yet again to do a cathartic exercise with you that will help you let out your emotion." From out of nowhere, Luna pulled out the gigantic lion's head hat of hers and placed it on my head. "Roar, Oliver! Roar and let out your inner lion!"

"For the _last time, _Luna, I refuse to roar with your hat!" I snapped in annoyance. "I always refuse, don't I?"

"You tend to do that," she admitted. Her eyes wandered to the front of my shirt. "Ah," she said, looking thoughtful as her eyes rested on the locket. "How unfortunate."

"What?" I spluttered. "What's wrong with my locket?"

"Everything. I see this will do no good until that thing around your neck is taken care of." She removed the lion's head hat from my head and tucked it under her arm. "Goodbye, Oliver, I wish you the best of luck. Perhaps I'll see you again when the tide has turned in your favor."

And she was gone before I could ask her what the bloody hell she was talking about.

* * *

**Katie's POV**

_Dear Diary,_

_Tonight is the big night! Yes, it is finally the night of Fred and George's birthday bash. If things go according to plan (if only!), then Oliver and I will be back together. Wish me luck!

* * *

_

**Oliver's POV**

It was almost 9 pm, which was listed on Fred and George's invitation as the starting time of their party, yet the location of said party was _still _unknown. Fred and George were nowhere to be seen, and a bunch of other Gryffindors and I were in the common room turning the invitations over in our hands, trying to figure out where the hell we were supposed to go.

"Well this is awkward," Angelina said as she plopped down next to me on the couch. "A pool party yet no pool. How typical of Fred and George to leave this a mystery until the very last minute."

At that moment, as the clock struck nine, the letters of my invitation started shifting around.

"What the…" I watched as the letters rearranged themselves to spell out the following:

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The wait is over!

The location of Fred and George's 18th birthday bash is:

_The fourth door to the left of the statue of Boris the Bewildered on the fifth floor._  
Password to the door is "fermez votre bouche" (translated as "shut your trap" in French).

Your designated time to enter the location is:

**9:08 pm**

Times have also been staggered to minimize the risk of getting multiple people caught in the hallway. _  
Do not be early. Do not be late._

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Around the room, there were gasps and exclamations of excitement as everyone else's invitations revealed the message.

"Oops, gotta go!" Angelina said, pointing to her invitation, which said **9:03 pm**. "A perk of being one of the birthday boys' girlfriends?" I asked, eyebrows raised. Angelina shot me a grin and left the common room.

"Oh my gosh!" came a squeal from across the room. I looked over to see Hermione with Harry and Ron, staring at her invite. "Their party is in the _prefects' bathroom! _They could get in so much trouble! How utterly risky and…"

"And?" Harry urged.

"_Brilliant_," Hermione admitted.

"How so?" Ron wrinkled his nose. "What could be so great about a party in the bathroom? We're all going to paddle around in a tiny bathtub?"

Hermione smiled knowingly and patted his knee. "Oh, you'll see."

It was soon 9:05 pm, and I started making my way to the prefects' bathroom so I'd get there on time. I reached the statue of Boris the Bewildered, went down four doors to the left, and muttered the password when the coast was clear.

The door opened…

* * *

**Katie's POV**

_Dear Diary,_

_Fred and George's party was… absolutely. Bloody. Brilliant! _

"How on earth...?" I marveled as I stepped inside. I'd never seen anything like it. The prefects' bathroom was made entirely of marble and…_huge. _Not only that, but Fred and George had somehow covered the entire floor with warm, soft, white beach sand, and there were giant lamps hanging from the ceiling that emitted what I'm sure were actual sunrays. In one corner was a volleyball net; in another corner were rows and rows of lounge chairs and towels for people to sunbathe on. And on the other side of the room…

"That is one big-ass bathtub," Angelina said in shock as we gaped at the swimming pool-sized "tub," which even had a diving board at one end. Even better was the rows of color-coded faucets around the pool, which were pouring out bubbles of every color, shape, and size. I think one of the faucets was even enchanted to emit bubbles that didn't pop, because they were floating around the room merrily.

"Welcome…to paradise," Fred and George greeted us, bowing gallantly. We squealed and hugged them, wishing them a happy birthday and pressing their birthday gifts into their hands.

"You took a piece of tropical heaven and planted it right in the middle of Hogwarts," Alicia gushed in amazement. "I can't believe I get to work on my tan, with winter barely over!"

"Tan away, my love!" George said merrily, planting a kiss on her cheek.

"C'mon girls, let's go claim those chairs over there," Alicia said.

"Go ahead, I'll be right there," I replied, exchanging a glance with the twins.

"We got this, Bell," George murmured quietly once my friends scampered off. "As soon as Wood and Taylor make their appearance…"

"There they are," Fred said, pointing to the door. My heart melted a little as Oliver strolled in with Taylor right beside him. My only consolation about her presence here was that she wouldn't even have gotten an invitation if not for the fact that the twins and I needed her to put our grand scheme into action.

"Fred, George, awesome party! This is bloody brilliant!" Oliver exclaimed as he walked in, giving them both a high five and handing them their presents. "Hello, Katie," he added, seeing me. "I don't suppose you know Taylor."

"Oh, we know each other quite well," I replied coldly. Taylor flashed me a triumphant smile as she clung to Oliver's arm.

Completely oblivious to the underlying tension, Oliver asked, "Just curious, mates—how in the world did you get the prefects' consent to throw a party in their bathroom?"

Fred answered, "Well, the prefects we're friends with agreed to it, as long as we changed the password later so non-prefects can't come in ever again. Obviously they didn't want to miss out on the party either."

"And the prefects you're not friends with?" Oliver questioned.

"Simple Confundus spell to trick them not to take a bath on a Friday night," George said. "Plus, who bathes on a Friday night anyway, when everyone else is having fun?"

At that moment, the door opened and in walked none other than Percy Weasley with a towel wrapped around his waist. His eyes widened at the spectacle and then fixated straight on his guilty younger twin brothers as he began to tremble with rage.

"We forgot to Confund Percy!" Fred groaned, smacking his forehead.

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?" The room instantly grew silent.

"Percy! You came to wish us a happy birthday!" George exclaimed with feigned excitement.

"WHAT ARE THESE IMBECILES DOING IN MY BATHROOM?" Percy raged.

"Now, now dear brother, this is _all _the prefects'bathroom, not just yours—"

"OUT! EVERYBODY OUT!" Percy yelled, getting red in the face. "I am reporting this _immediately!"_

"Desperate times call for desperate measures," Fred and George agreed, looking at each other. They pointed their wands at Percy and yelled, _"Confundo!"_

The spell hit Percy; instantly, he looked dazed and confused. "Oh! Are we on a Caribbean island somewhere? Now how did the whole school get here?" He looked at the giant sunshine-emitting lamps on the ceiling. "The sun! I adore the sun! Although I always get a awful burn and can never tan. How terribly sad."

"It's just a dream, Perce! You can leave now," George said jovially as he and Fred took him by the arms and led him out the door. "You'll forget it in no time." The door shut behind Percy.

George turned around to face the room. "I swear, if _any _word gets out about this, you will grow horns and be unable to speak for a week, you hear?" he threatened everyone.

"And we mean it. We've got that curse memorized to perfection," Fred added.

"But enough chitchat. Let's PARTY!"

The crowd let out a huge cheer and everyone went back to sunbathing, swimming, playing volleyball, or flirting.

"Are you sure you won't get caught?" I whispered anxiously to the twins. "Do you even know that horn-growing, mouth-shutting spell?"

"Course not!" George replied carelessly. "But everyone will listen to us because it's just the sort of thing we might do. Genius, right?"

Before I could answer, Fred asked, "Okay, Katie, you know the plan? Let's go over it one more time."

"We wait til midnight, when everyone will make a toast to your birthday," I recited from memory. "I'll be watching to make sure Taylor is beside Oliver. In the commotion, you will Transfigure Oliver into a small object. As soon as Taylor freaks out and realizes this, she'll pick up the locket. I'll send up a small spark above the crowd and keep the Oliver-object out of Taylor's reach. You'll see the spark, make your way over to me, and Transfigure Oliver back. Presto."

"That's my girl. And what do you do until then?"

I sighed sadly. "I have to keep pretenses up and pretend I still love Zacharias so Taylor won't suspect I'm up to something." Fred frowned, looking sorry for me.

"Yes, but only until midnight," he said comfortingly. "We even invited him late on the invitation so you had to deal with him less."

"Just wondering…what 'small object' exactly are you planning to turn Oliver into?" I asked curiously.

"No time to answer—there's your prick of an ex-boyfriend now!" George warned.

_Oh no. _Zach was standing at the door, looking absolutely befuddled by the party he was seeing before him. When he saw me, though, his eyes lit up and he made a beeline straight toward me.

"Whoops, and that's our cue to go," Fred muttered as he and George left me to the mercies of my obsessive ex-boyfriend.

"Katie!" Zach cried, throwing his arms around me. He pulled away from the embrace, his eyes looking me up and down appreciatively. "Wow, you look fantastic!"

"Er…thanks." I squirmed, almost wishing I'd worn a one-piece instead of my bikini if it meant Zacharias Smith kept his eyes off me. "Want to go grab drinks?"

"What? You're voluntarily hanging out with me?" Zach beamed happily. "You're giving me a second chance!"

"For the moment," I muttered, directing him toward the refreshments. He was so deliriously happy that he didn't even notice the desperate, pleading look I shot at Fred and George, who were too busy entertaining their guests to notice.

The next couple hours until midnight were _torture_. With Zacharias in tow wherever I went, I had hardly any fun. Angelina, Alicia, and Leanne kept shooting me looks of disbelief, as if to say, _"What? You're taking him back?" _and it took every ounce of me not to explain why I had to pretend. Even though they were my best friends, the less people who knew about the plan, the better—too many people involved could seriously screw things up. Plus, I didn't want their sympathy if the plan completely backfired, which I was so terrified it would. I started biting my fingernails, feeling like my nerves were shot.

"Honey, you're destroying your fingers!" Zach exclaimed worriedly, pulling my hand away from my mouth. I winced at the affectionate name. As time passed, he had grown increasingly confident that he was winning me back, and was getting sickeningly affectionate with every minute.

"Bloody hell, what are you doing?" I shrieked as he kissed my neck, earning us a few curious looks from people around us.

"I thought we were back together," he whimpered pitifully.

"Zach, I put up with a lot these past couple hours," I seethed, trying not to explode. "When you asked to put sunscreen on my back, I let you. When you started playing with my hair, I let you. Even when you started spoon-feeding me raspberry sorbet, I let you. But this—_this _I will not tolerate!"

"Oh. Sorry. I'll stop if you want me to, darling," he replied sorrowfully.

"Thank you," I muttered, ignoring the puppy dog expression on his face so I could look at Oliver. He was sitting at the edge of the pool, feet dangling in the water. As I was admiring his gorgeously chiseled body, Taylor appeared and sat beside him. I felt nauseous as she fed him a spoonful of ice cream and simpered at him. What's worse—he smiled at her, and then put his arm around her!

"I'm going to hurl," I whispered, feeling sick.

"Baby, you okay?" Zach asked, grabbing my hand. "It's the sunlight, right? Want to get out of here? Maybe…maybe head back to my room?"

And once again, Fred and George saved me by shouting, "Hear ye, hear ye! It's nigh midnight, and thus time to make a toast! Everyone gather round!"

"It's showtime," I muttered as I followed the crowd toward the platform Fred and George had just set up in the middle of the room. They stood on it above the crowd and started passing out bottles of champagne.

"START THE COUNTDOWN!" the twins shouted as a giant clock appeared in the air beside them.

"Ten!" the crowd cheered as the clock began ticking down the seconds.

"Nine!"

"Eight!" My eyes searched for Oliver and Taylor, making sure they were standing together.

"Seven!" They were together, all right; I didn't have to worry about that. Taylor was looking up at him in adoration, giving him a sickeningly sweet smile.

"Six!" I pushed through the crowd until I stood right behind them.

"Five!" The twins both looked at me and gave me a grim nod.

"Four!"

"Three!" _Are you there, God? It's me, Katie. Please, please, please make this work!_

"Two!"

"One!"

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" everyone screamed, and champagne bottles popped everywhere around me. Continuing to keep up the pretense, the twins both threw back their heads and started chugging from their champagne bottles. Only I noticed that their eyes were fixated on Oliver, with Fred's wand pointed discreetly at him.

"Darn this bottle. Why didn't anyone tell me how to pop this?" I heard Ron mutter from a few feet away.

It was like those movie scenes in slow motion. I watched in horror as Ron wrestled with the bottle…then as the cork suddenly flew out with a loud _POP!..._right towards Fred, who got hit in the chest with it. Startled, Fred looked down at what hit him while muttering the spell at the same time…the wand pointed away from Oliver and right toward…

"ZACH!" I screamed in horror as my ex-boyfriend disappeared and shrank instantly, becoming a…

"Ooh, a muffin!" Neville Longbottom cried in excitement as he saw the baked good on the floor. He reached down and picked it up, opening his mouth to devour it.

"NO!" I screamed, hurling myself at Neville. Fred and George, who instantly realized that something had gone very, very wrong, leaped off their platform and pushed their way toward me.

"Dammit, how could this have gone wrong?" George exclaimed.

"Thank our dear brother Ron, who doesn't know how to open a champagne bottle pointed _away from other people,_" Fred snapped. Suddenly their eyes rested on Neville and a very terrified me.

"DON'T EAT THAT!" Fred, George, and I screamed together. We were starting to get people's attention as they started realizing something weird was going on. Neville's bottom lip quivered and he looked about to cry.

"Actually, wouldn't it be funny if he did eat it?" George whispered to me.

"_George!" _I whispered back, appalled.

"Grandmum never lets me have muffins at home either," Neville said sadly.

"We'd let you have it, really, except that that muffin is Zacharias Smith," Fred replied. "Can we have him back, please? We'll get you another." Looking bewildered, Neville handed Zach the muffin back to Fred.

"What's going on?" Angelina asked, pushing her way toward us. "That muffin is _Zach?" _

"Er…long story," George replied sheepishly. I wanted to curl up and die right there.

"Oh my gosh, look! Someone help him!" Hermione suddenly shrieked, pointing and looking up at the ceiling.

To this day, there is still no explanation for this, but somehow, the faucet that was releasing unpoppable bubbles had gone haywire, because the bubbles it was blowing had gotten bigger and bigger. Poor Colin Creevey, too curious for his own good, had probably gone to check it out. An enormous bubble had formed around him, and he was now floating above all of us, his screams for help barely audible behind the thick surface of the bubble.

"Pop it!" someone yelled.

"No, that'll kill him!" another person cried.

"The world has gone mad. Mad!" Fred gaped in awe as the crowd rushed to help Colin. "I LOVE IT!"

By then, Taylor had caught on that the twins and I were up to something. "Come, Ollie," I heard her say sweetly as she frantically looked for an exit. "It's starting to get a little crazy. Let's get out of here."

"They're getting away," I cried, tugging on George's arm. "Our plan completely backfired!"

"It's okay, Katie, we got this!" he reassured me. "Fred!"

But Fred was momentarily distracted, as the crowd that pushed past him knocked the muffin out of his hands.

"BLOODY HELL!" I shrieked as my ex-boyfriend went flying through the air in the form of a muffin. I raced to catch him, falling flat on my face as I just barely caught the muffin with my fingertips.

"She'll be okay. C'mon, we need to catch them!" George shouted, grabbing Fred, who was trying to help me up. Fred looked up in alarm at Taylor, who was dragging Oliver toward the door.

"_CONFUNDO!" _they yelled, pointing their wands at Taylor. But at that moment, she slipped on the wet floor and the spells hit Oliver instead.

Instantly, a look of confusion appeared on Oliver's face. "Wow, who knew heaven would be so awesome?" he gasped, looking dazed and wide-eyed. "So many girls in bikinis!" He pulled away from Taylor and turned his back on the door. "Sunlight! Sand! Yippee!" Oliver cried in delight as he picked up a handful of sand and threw it in the air jubilantly.

"No! Ollie, we have to leave!" Taylor cried, looking desperate as she followed him.

"Indeed, the world has gone mad," I whispered, having no idea what to do and looking utterly stupid as I stood there frozen, holding my muffin.

"It'll be okay! They haven't left, have they? We've still got a shot!" Fred said reassuringly.

"Think, brain, think!" George muttered, rapping himself on the forehead. "What do we do next?" But Oliver decided that for us.

"Hahahaha!" he laughed happily as he saw Colin Creevey floating above the crowd by the pool. "What a crazy balloon! I want to touch it!" And he disappeared into the crowd that had gathered below the poor bubble-imprisoned Colin.

"Ollie, come back!" Taylor wailed, running after him. Fred, George, and I ran after them and started shoving our way through the crowd looking for Oliver.

"There he is!" George shouted. Oliver, in a fruitless attempt to grab the "balloon," had jumped onto Harry's back to use as a footstool. Poor Harry, who couldn't hold Oliver's weight, fell over. Oliver toppled off his Seeker's back and collided with Taylor, who screamed and teetered on the edge, about to fall backward into the pool.

To this very day, I don't know what got me to do it.

"Take this!" I screamed to George, tossing him the muffin. Boosted by a rush of adrenaline, I dashed forward, extending my hand to Taylor as if to help her. She thrust her hand forward, but I pulled away at the last minute and her hand gripped onto the closest thing to her—Oliver's locket. But before I could determine whether she pulled it off him or not, I lost my balance and fell against Oliver, who toppled onto Taylor, and the three of us went tumbling into the pool headfirst.

By then, the colorful bubbles in the pool had gone insane and I couldn't see anything through the rainbow of bubbles, which had piled on top of each other like clouds.

_Why did I have to fall in before Taylor could pull off the locket? _my mind screamed as I thrashed in the water. _The locket is probably still on him…I've lost him forever…" _In my despair, I choked on water and struggled to grab the pool's edge.

Suddenly, I felt a strong arm grip me by the waist and haul me out of the water. I lay on the floor beside the pool, gasping for air. I saw Oliver's chocolate brown eyes looking straight into mine; I realized he was the one who had dragged me out of the pool. I had to force my eyes to leave his face to glance at his chest, which was…

Locket-free. The original plan had gone awry and backfired straight into my face but somehow, _somehow_, it had all worked out.

My eyes wandered back to catch Oliver's gaze again. His hair dripping wet, he was panting for breath too. His eyes were wide, holding some emotion that I could not read. Slowly, he lifted me off the floor, eyes never leaving my face.

"You're a madwoman, Katie Bell," he said softly in his deep, sexy voice. I held my breath, unable to speak, waiting for his next words.

"I love you."

Then he was kissing me, kissing me over and over til I thought I could die of happiness, and we were blissfully oblivious to the sound of Taylor's shrieks, then her gasp as Fred yanked the locket from her hand, repaired it with his wand, and threw it to George, who wrapped it around the muffin before Transfiguring it back to Zacharias. And when the twins (bless their souls) shouted, "Nothing to see here, folks!" and led everyone away from us to go pop more champagne, Oliver and I were left alone, just how we wanted to be.

And yes, someone did eventually manage to get Colin Creevey down from his bubble.

* * *

**Oliver's POV**

I couldn't have asked for a more perfect ending to my seventh year at Hogwarts. Gryffindor won the Quidditch Cup (I'm embarrassed to say that our win actually got me teary-eyed when Dumbledore handed us the trophy), my N.E.W.T. exams were all right (except for Potions), I had signed on to play for Puddlemere United...

And I was dating the girl of my dreams, who happened to be curled up beside me on a sofa in the common room with her head resting on my shoulder. She looked up at me and smiled, and I kissed her on the forehead.

"We've gone through quite an adventure to get here, huh?" Katie said, laughing softly.

"It did take too long," I admitted. "I wouldn't have gone through that rollercoaster ride for anyone else."

"Still, it's amazing how things turned out all right, with no loose threads hanging," she marveled as she entwined her fingers in mine. "Taylor's out of the picture, Zach didn't end up getting eaten—_thank heavens!_—and the twins were brilliant to put the locket on the muffin before Transfiguring Zach back. He hasn't been obsessed with me ever since!"

"Although Fred and George screwed it up…a _lot…_they actually do deserve a lot of credit in getting us together," I admitted.

"AHA!" Fred and George shouted, jumping up from behind the couch so suddenly that Katie and I jumped.

"We were instrumental in getting you two together!" Fred announced with a triumphant grin.

"And you admitted it!" George crowed.

"Ugh…how did I know that would boost their egos?" I groaned, while Katie laughed and said, "Well I guess it's true. Thank you both for your help. We owe it to you."

"And you, dear Captain…?" They grinned cheekily at me.

"Thank you," I grunted, although secretly I was grateful.

"Oh, we do love saving the world," George said, pretending to wipe a tear from his eyes.

"But no good deed comes without a price!" Fred exclaimed joyfully. "Now's your turn to pay us back!" He and George pulled out a bag from behind their back and held it open. Inside were delicious-looking—yet strangely suspicious—pastries.

"Why am I suddenly terrified?" I groaned.

"Can't you just consider us…charity?" Katie questioned weakly.

"Nope! As lucky recipients of the goodwill of Fred and George Weasley, you must now assist us in our test trials for our fabulous Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes! Go on, take one."

Looking at each other uneasily, Katie and I reached into the bag and pulled out a pastry.

"Before we eat these, can we just confirm it isn't Zacharias Smith and friends?" I asked, sniffing the cream puff suspiciously.

"Har har! Of course not!"

"You never did explain why you chose to Transfigure him into a _muffin_, of all things," Katie pointed out. Fred and George shrugged.

"I dunno…we've always been tickled by the thought of Transfiguring someone into a muffin and thought it was the perfect time to try it out."

"Any other stupid, annoying questions?"

"Will we die?" Katie asked worriedly.

"Course not!" the twins chorused together. It wasn't until Katie and I finally took a bite that they whispered to each other, "They won't, right?"

I threatened them, "I swear, if something bad happens, I'll—"

But I could no longer speak. I, Oliver Wood, Captain of the Gryffindor team and voted among the best-looking male students at Hogwarts—thus deserving of much dignity and respect—and Katie Bell, the love of my life, were suddenly transformed into giant canaries, and squawked at Fred and George in furious indignation as they laughed and laughed until tears fell from their eyes.

* * *

_**Epilogue**_

"I'm surprised you decided to come see me before school lets out."

"Actually, you've been a great deal of help and I thought I should swing by one last time to say thanks."

"I've helped?"

"I don't speak my thoughts aloud anymore."

"How wonderful! I haven't been so happy since my dad found a rare collection of Huffing Humdrums in a museum in Mongolia!"

"Er…right."

"You and Katie are staying together after you graduate?"

"Definitely. We'll have most of the summer together til I start training with Puddlemere United. Katie's coming to a bunch of my games and when she starts school again, I'm going to visit her on Hogsmeade weekends whenever I can. Say, was that Roger I saw leaving this room when I arrived?"

"Oh yes. He started to come see me for 'therapy sessions' but it was because he still fancied me. But I used our talks to convince him not to like me anymore."

"You…talked Roger out of liking you."

"I figured once I got talking, and Roger realized how weird I really am, he would stop liking me. And it worked! Because I really am weird."

"Oh. Sorry..?"

"What for? He's cured now! For the better."

"You seem to be pretty good at this therapy thing."

"Yes, well...that's neither here nor there. Are you finally ready to perform my cathartic exercise? I know you normally always refuse but I have the tinglies in my toesies so I feel like this time will be different. Where's my lion hat…ah, here it is!"

Luna placed the hat on my head and smiled. "Ready?" She pressed the button on the hat and it began to roar loudly. "Roar with me, Oliver! Express your triumph and _release your inner lion!"_ I took a deep breath. And this time…

I roared.

* * *

A/N: It's finally done! This story, now almost four years old, has come to a close, and I hope you all enjoyed it. Whether you do or don't, however, I owe you all a HUGE thank you for being so patient, supportive, and all-around amazing. **Thank you so, so much. **One of the greatest joys I had over the past few years was coming home from the horrors of high school to read your wonderful, encouraging reviews. Thank you all for being a source of such comfort and inspiration!

Last order of business – college is so hectic that I will probably not write any other fics or finish my other incomplete ones. However, I will try my best to continue being supportive and read your fanfics when I can.

Please, please, PLEASE review! I'd love to hear your opinion on this story. Thanks again and love you all!


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